desperate Report post Posted February 5, 2006 Well we have hit the troubled road once again. Neil as you may remember goes to an independant residential school. (not asd specific but they do have other asd children) Anyway he has complained for many months about being bullied by three students at the school. We have had many discussions with the school about these complaints and have been told often that yes Neil is being provoked and wound up by these boys, one in particular. We were told that the winding up is part of this boys difficulties and Neil has to learn to cope with it. They have also said that Neil is not always innocent and they feel it to be 50/50 a lot of the time. Anyway on Tuesday evening we received a call form the school to say that Neil had hit this boy with a snooker cue, they had taken him to hospital for a check up and the police had been called. When we got there the boy was being interviewed by the police. A care worker was then interviewed. We waited for about an hour whilst this was going on but did not see Neil. We then went into a room with the policeman, the head teacher and the head of care. We were told that it was very serious but the police were not interested in taking it further because of the boys' disabilities etc. The head of care told Neil that they knew he was picked on. The head teacher said that Neil had been surrounded by these boys surrounded Neil and were chanting at him. They then said that the one Neil hit was not involved but Neil says he was. The head asked Neil if he wanted to come home for a couple of days, he said yes. She tehn said for us to send him back on Monday as usual in his taxi. We asked her for a meeting before he went back to discuss the bullying issue. This took place on thursday but we were told that Neils perception is ff and he doesn't understand what is really going on. They suggested his going as a day pupil as he didn't cope in care time. the head said she would need to run this past the chair of governors but she was very pursuasive. She also spoke to the lea to ask if this new arrangement would be ok. They said yes. Since then the mother of the boy, who is a governor, has said that if Neil is not per. excluded she will press charges against him. There is now a governors meeting on Monday evening to decide what the school are going to do. we are not invited. The police have said that they decide what action to take not the mother, and they are also looking into the harrassment by the other boys, as well as neil's part. They felt this all should have been handled by the school long before it got so out of hand. They also said if neil is per. excluded they would not be interested in charging him with anything. We have said that we would be interested in pursuing the harrassment of Neil. He said he would expect that. We are also wondering why if these boys were harrassing Neil, and the school says they were why they did not intervene. No sanctions have been given to the boys who were harrassing, bullying neil the whole enquiry by the school is centered on Neil's reaction. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
OPooh Report post Posted February 5, 2006 Well as someone who is being also told that my ds' bullying is just perceived and reading that I'd say I'd rather home educate tbh. That's awful <'> Even if it is "perceived" what are they doing to help your son then? <'> Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
phasmid Report post Posted February 5, 2006 Hi desperate...what a ruddy mess. We have no knowledge of independent schools so the only advice me or Mrs P can offer is based on common sense. Anyway here goes: We have had many discussions with the school about these complaints and have been told often that yes Neil is being provoked and wound up by these boys, one in particular. We were told that the winding up is part of this boys difficulties and Neil has to learn to cope with it. They have also said that Neil is not always innocent and they feel it to be 50/50 a lot of the time. Ok, so he isn't always the innocent party. Fine. Then deal with any incidents on a case by case basis. However if, as you state, they have acknowledged that one boy in particular is causing Niel problems what have they done to address it? Your son has a socio-communication disorder and is likely to mis-read and mis-react to social situations. Knowing that they supervision on hand ought to be keeping a close eye on the other boy and Niel, especialy if the other child is known to be what my children describe as a 'wind-up merchant'. The school should have been pro-active to this not re-active. Why did they allow this situation to occur in the first place? Where was the supervision? The two of them clearly don't get on so why weren't they being watched? The head of care told Neil that they knew he was picked on. The head teacher said that Neil had been surrounded by these boys surrounded Neil and were chanting at him. They then said that the one Neil hit was not involved but Neil says he was. Yet again they admit they knew this was going on. Have you got minutes or copies of statements where thet say this? If not a letter to them confiming the deatils of our conversation of (date) then make sure that fact is put in there. If it does not get a reply disagreeing with the content that's the evidence you need t prove it. The head asked Neil if he wanted to come home for a couple of days, he said yes. She tehn said for us to send him back on Monday as usual in his taxi. We asked her for a meeting before he went back to discuss the bullying issue. This took place on thursday but we were told that Neils perception is ff and he doesn't understand what is really going on. They suggested his going as a day pupil as he didn't cope in care time. the head said she would need to run this past the chair of governors but she was very pursuasive. She also spoke to the lea to ask if this new arrangement would be ok. They said yes. So it was sorted! They did not plan to exclude him for more than a few days - cool off time if you like and quite sensible in the circumstances. No Police charges. Reasonable due to dx's I suppose. What I don't like is what comes next. The school have agreed with you what the plan was going to be, remember that fact! Since then the mother of the boy, who is a governor, has said that if Neil is not per. excluded she will press charges against him. There is now a governors meeting on Monday evening to decide what the school are going to do. we are not invited. The police have said that they decide what action to take not the mother, and they are also looking into the harrassment by the other boys, as well as neil's part. They felt this all should have been handled by the school long before it got so out of hand. They also said if neil is per. excluded they would not be interested in charging him with anything. We have said that we would be interested in pursuing the harrassment of Neil. He said he would expect that. We are also wondering why if these boys were harrassing Neil, and the school says they were why they did not intervene. No sanctions have been given to the boys who were harrassing, bullying neil the whole enquiry by the school is centered on Neil's reaction. Who runs the school? The head or this governor? The decision has already been made and agreed on by all parties concerned as I read it:You, head, CoG and LEA. So why the meeting on Monday. If the meeting does go ahead then the mother of this child SHOULD NOT BE THERE, in any capacity. As a parent, your not allowed to attend, niether should she. As a governor she has a 'vested interest' in the matter and should not be there for that reason. The mum here is just that, governor hat OFF and parent hat ON. Her governor status should make no difference to the way the thing has been handled. The police are not pressing charges...she wants revenge! A swift letter to the governors to be read at the meeting is suggested. Accepting the plan put forward by the head but point ing ou in it quite firmly that the school should have seen this comming - they knew there was a problem between them why was it not addressed? Niel is a victim in this and you need to show that. Point otu that the police are willing to look into the matter of harrasment and provocation but as it stands if they are willing to keep the two well supervised you feel htis is not necessary. I hope some of that makes sense to you. I don't know what else to say other than fight fire with fire and watch your back. Make sure this mum has no part in that meeting and try and make them stick to the original plan. Good luck. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
reuby2 Report post Posted February 5, 2006 I feel really angry about this! I'm tempted to say that this lad got what he deserved and if anyone's to blame it is the school!!!! If these lads were surrounding your boy, where were the staff? if they knew he was being bullied why weren't they taking care to monitor the situation? In fact someone is negligent here! Your boy has obviously taken about as much as he can take and It's the bullies that need to be dealt with NOT the victim. These boys were surrounding yours? A scary enough situation with the addition of ASD. Chanting at him? How does that feel to anyone let alone someone who has sensory issues? This is awful, I hope you ask and get some answers! when your son is there you expect him to be safe and cared for!!! Sending <'> <'> <'> <'> to you, hubby and son <'> <'> <'> <'> Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
justamom Report post Posted February 5, 2006 I agree with what Phasmid and reuby2 have posted. Your son is not the victim and it always ends up being turned around to look like it was his fault in the beginning. If the school had taken action when your son first mentioned being bullied it would never had ended up like this.... He was just protecting himself What a awful situation to be in... Chanting and behaving like animals its not right... stick to your guns and dont let them get away with this.. justamom Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
justamom Report post Posted February 5, 2006 Sorry meant to say:- not the cause but the victim hope that makes more sense Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
UltraMum Report post Posted February 5, 2006 Can't add anything more - but will be that things go in Neil's favour tomorrow and that right is seen to be done for all parties - Neil needs to see that these other children are not allowed to get away with this harassment. <'> <'> <'> Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
reuby2 Report post Posted February 6, 2006 Hope everthing goes well later and that this silly parent shows herself up when it is explained what happened !!!!!! <'> <'> Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
asereht Report post Posted February 6, 2006 Desperate, Can't add anything to the good advice you've gotton so far ,just hope it goes well for Neil tonight ...Glad to see you back on the forum sorry things are not going well for you though..keep in touch. Theresa Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
CarerQuie Report post Posted February 6, 2006 The school also have a part to play in this sorry situation.They NEGLECTED to do anything to diffuse an ongoing situation which they KNEW about. More to the point,are YOU confident that this school is an appropriate place to meet your son's needs?xx Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Suze Report post Posted February 6, 2006 This is an awful situation, and it,s been handled really badly.Are you considering if this school is the right place for your son?........is it a specialist school?.........Iam gob-smacked that the boys were allowed to take the goading and teasing of your son so far.I,d be wondering if they could keep my son safe.I hope this gets sorted for your and your boy, how is he ?.........best of luck Suzex. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
UltraMum Report post Posted February 6, 2006 about the meeting tonight - when will you hear the result? Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
asereht Report post Posted February 11, 2006 Hi Desperate , how did it go? Theresa Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Canopus Report post Posted February 11, 2006 This all reminds me of what happened at my residential school. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Flora Report post Posted February 11, 2006 What an awful situation . I really hope that justice and common sense prevail. Let us know what has happened. <'> <'> <'> Lauren Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
witsend Report post Posted February 11, 2006 Hi Desperate, have come to this thread a bit late but wanted to say this situation sounds awful <'> to you and your son. Surely the school have to be taking responsibility here, as they were aware of what's been happening with your son and you have kept them well informed about the problems then what on earth were they playing at allowing such a situation to arise in the first place?? Sorry don't have much advice just sympathy. Please do let us know what happened at the meeting - good luck Luv Witsend. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
desperate Report post Posted February 13, 2006 Hi there just an update as to Neil's situation. He has been out of school for two weeks on unofficial exclusion due to his retaliation after "perceived bullying". AS you know he was surrounded by four boys who where pressing up against him, taunting him and one had his hands around Neil's throat. Neil hit one with a snooker cue. The boy did go to hospital for a check up by is ok. He is a governors son. And we are talking about an independant special school who it would appear even from ipsea, can set there own agenda etc. Neil is not to return to school until his annual review on 8th March when his "fate" will be decided. The school said the boy Neil hit was not involved in the bullying incident but Neil maintains he was. There are also other students at the school who have said yes he was. I have also heard from another mother whose son had a very bad experience with these boys. They got up at three in the morning, went into her son's room covered his face with sun cream. And then they woke him up, set an aerosol can alight and tried to set fire to her son's face. These boys got between five days fixed term exclusion and ten days. They were then allowed to return to school, unblemished. The school did appoint a waking care worker for the night hours. We both consider this to be a premeditated act, not one of self defence or one commited whilst a child was in crisis. Neil did hit another child with a snooker cue but it was done when he was frightend and being bullied. Neither myself or the other parent can understand why the school dealt so lightly with the fire incident and yet so seriously with Neil. He will had had an unofficail exclusion of 6 weeks by the time of his ar and it is not certain that he will be allowed to return to school after that. The police were called in after neil hit the other boy but not for the fire incident. Our sen manager is going to the school next monday to try to sort things out and I have asked the other mother if she would send me an e mail to forward to her so that she can have proof that Neil is being treated less favourably than others. Any suggestions or ideas. I have spoken to ipsea, who have said that in state school it would be against the law to unoffically exclude for so long but it isn't in the independant sector. If Neil is p excluded we would they feel have a case for sendist but Neil wants to be at school now, he does like it there and on the whole they have done more for him than anywhere else Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
phasmid Report post Posted February 13, 2006 I think your best hope for progress will lie with the LEA inclusion Officer. If the LEA are funding your son's place at this school they will want to know what is going on. I assume you have filled them in with the background to everything. If not I would get it all in writing to them as soon as possible. IPSEA are right I'm afraid, private schools can pretty musch set their own rules to suit themselves. It does seem that this particular governor and thier son are being allowed to get away with far too much say in things. Can't think of anything else to suggest to you. I just hope you get this resolved as soon as possible. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Suze Report post Posted February 13, 2006 .................this isn,t getting any easier is it. <'> ..............are there any other alternative schools suitable.Wish I could help more Suzex Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
