hev Report post Posted February 7, 2006 i met my partner when steve was 2 and all through steves dx he has been there for us,as steven is getting older though they seem to be clashing a lot,he cannot stand it when steve talks horrible to me and he cannot ignore a lot of things i can and it ends up in abig row with everyone upset over something i would have ignored,steve goes to hit him its horrendous and its sad because they are very close,i think sometimes would it be better for him to move out but hes not really doing anything wrong,i think i get upset as hes not his dad and if they row i think thats the reason but its ok for me to argue with steven,hope im making sense,one thing i do know if nick wasent here steve would rule the roost Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
oracle Report post Posted February 7, 2006 (edited) Hev you make perfect sense and I truly understand really I do. We had a very explosive day here on Sunday and although Terry and David get on better now than they have ever done when David blows it's always Terry who gets the fall out I have to say that he does not handle it well but if I am honest would I? I have to remind myself that David has autism and sometimes he just loses it. In answer to your question would Steve rule the roost? I think that the answer to that would be yes and the thought of that would terrify me and has terrified me. Terry and I did actually split for awhile as he was finding David really difficult to cope with. David will not accept any kind of authority from Terry and although I know that it is wrong we have had to overcome that. It is funny - well not really - but on Sunday when we were in Meltdown City and David was hurling abuse in the direction of Terry and Terry began to rise to the bait, Matthew actually interjected that Terry had no right to be telling David what to do as he was not David's father. I realised for the first time how black and white and rigid kids with ASD can be and Matthew has not heard this from me or anyone else but it is his mind set that that's the way it should be. Sadly it's Davids too. We get by for the most part although it's not always easy but the thought of going it alone is scares me rigid and Matthew would be totally devastated. Carole PS we do each other a great deal Edited February 7, 2006 by carole Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
helenl53 Report post Posted February 7, 2006 One thing that has to go into the mix is - you also have males who are doing what comes naturally and instinctively and autism or not - when the boys start to mature, they behave just like any other young male in any society in the animal kingdom. Rites of passage and all that Sometimes it is best to just let them work it out - I think that sometimes we inflame the situation - I know I used to when my eldest was at home - I was very defensive and made it worse. Love HelenL Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
rainbow queen Report post Posted February 7, 2006 <'> hi just wanted to add my last boyfriend who i was with a year [not my childrens dad] ended our relationship because of the difficulties you stated, he kept worring about the future and he could not handle it-i dont think he loved me enough to stick by me and all the extra trouble regarding one of my sons. we split last june o5-and my boys were very close to him because they never really knew there proper dad. i found this the hardest thing to get over. i am now doing ok but have to say very very wary of even attempting finding another man again because i just feel no one could cope with it all,and i dont want to rock the boat now ive sorted myself out a bit and have learned to rely on just me. ive no advice just to say i do relise what a hard position you are in-you end up being in the middle of it all-and its hard to please everyone Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest flutter Report post Posted February 8, 2006 i wonder cos he has been around so long does the fact that he is not his dad really matter, he has alway been there as a dad. I think that cos you guys are having a ruff time just now that it all seems worse, I think maybe you feel your man has a good "get out clause" but at the end of the day so does anyone if they really want it <'> Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
oracle Report post Posted February 8, 2006 Flutter I know that it matters a great deal to David that Terry is not his real Dad. Even though he would be the first to say that his real Dad was as much use as a Chocolate Tea Pot. Both he and Matthew have very rigid ideas about parenting and who should be doing the parenting. For example I am meant to be wearing an apron and spending my days cooking and cleaning. So far as David is concerned I am not a 'real' mother, but because I am his Mother he accepts that I can call the shots. No matter how useless David's real Dad was as a Dad to him the fact that he is his Dad makes all of the difference. I can't speak for Hev here only for us. David was four when his Dad and I split and he was six when I started seeing Terry. He is now eighteen so he has actually been with Terry far longer than he was with his Dad but he has a clear mental picture of who can and can not call the shots. Believe me we have tried but it makes no difference. David would also be the first to admit that Terry is the one who does the most for him but that does not alter how he views Terry overall. Wish it did. Carole Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Paula Report post Posted February 8, 2006 I think helen as a realy valid point in males clashing whether as or not. As my son approaches puberty hes 12 and As he and his dad are clashing more.Its like our son is pushing the bounderies and trying his arm to see how strong he is. I think if you take a peek behind anybodys net curtaines youll find in reality couples arguing,tensions high and a hell of a lot of agro at times kicking of.Our house on Saturday was a hell hole.Ended up with me packing my husbands clothes and saying sod of dont come back.he was back with in the hour.Just tension pressure.We all love each other realy. No one truely understands the stress haveing any child with a disability puts on you unless youve been there. <'> <'> <'> Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
hev Report post Posted February 8, 2006 thanks for your replies,it matters to steve that hes not his dad even though he loves my partner,steve cannot get it that im not the only one to discipline him yet he chose my partner to go with him to cahms yesterday and i look at them cuddling on the sofa and i dont understand how it all works! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
reuby2 Report post Posted February 8, 2006 Sending you loads of <'> <'> <'> <'> <'> <'> <'> <'> Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest flutter Report post Posted February 8, 2006 carole sorry <'> i think i was meaning it form a grown up point of view i also should not post when i not had any sleep, dd and son have flu big time take care i off to stick head back in sand where it firmly belongs Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
oracle Report post Posted February 8, 2006 <'> Flutter <'> I was not having a go at you sorry I did not mean to come across as which is my usual state of mind Carole Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
oracle Report post Posted February 8, 2006 Hev if Steve is like David then it's always going to matter to him that your partner is not his Dad. We all know that it should not matter and there is more to being a Dad than biology. But our kids often do not get that at all. I agree with Helen things did get worse in our house when David hit 13. It is an alpha male thing and I live with 4 of them so you can see how nice that is sometimes Things got better for us once we stopped trying to make David accept discipline from Terry. Terry felt that by standing back it would give David everything he wanted. It did but not in the way Terry had feared. David actually has more respect for him now and is much more compliant. I also find it easier knowing that I can do my stuff with David and we wont be changing direction because Terry is trying to help. I think that it can be hard for any man just to sit back and let his partner get on with it but if that is what is needed then so be it. Sometimes (like Sunday) Terry can not keep stum and then it does spiral out of control. I really feel for you because not only have I been there - I still am <'> Carole Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Flora Report post Posted February 8, 2006 Reading this thread I was in two minds whether to post on it or not, I can relate to everything on it but have no advice to offer. Me and my boyfriend moved in together just over two years ago, and although all 3 of my kids get on really well with him, and he (another Terry!) consistantly works hard to build up a good relationship with them, it's been a roller coaster couple of years. Looking back now I can see that most of the problems we've had have been down to me being over protective. It takes a while for someone to grasp the complexities of autism, and I can see that Terry now has a good understanding of AS and all the associated differences. But I am still often on the defensive (that's an understatement if I ever heard one) and sometimes poor Terry can't do right for doing wrong. We have yet though to meet the challenges of teenage adolescence so I'm sort of prepared for the ride continuing to be a bumpy one. This thread has certainly giving me an insight in to what we may expect in the next few years though Yikes! Lauren Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
