Did I over react?

[Hectorshouse]

Thursday was a terrible day for T, I came home from work and we read together his home/school book which we always do, his TA's normally read to him what they have wrote as well, only this day she didn't this is what she wrote ...

 

T's old book is AWOL, as it was near theen I have started a new one.

 

T has been very challenging today - he decided he was going to be disruptive and difficult. He was told off in English, and then threw a fit in citzenship because he lost some of his work on the computer. The problem seems to be linked to computer games at break again. He is going out of his way to get out of lessons/work and we have had to be very firm with him. He threw things today and was verbally aggressive. He came very close to being excluded and he needs to realise tht he has to work as best he can with our support.

 

My response ...

 

If T's book does turn up please could you send it home with him, as it is a very useful record.

 

- I don't think that or believe that T actually decides to be challenging or disruptive or difficult. These are all signs of anxity or distress for a person with Aspergers - Althouth T can articulate very well his communication skills are not the same as ours. This is very negative attitude and it is one that T will pick up on. He will also start to self fulfill and return to habitual behaviours (usually disruptive ones) if he is unhappy or insecure. What needs to be considered here is why T was acting or reacting in this way. Although I am not a schyool I could tell you of the possibility of difficulties for T this week ..

 

1) unfortunately there was an unplanned change of TA, this was compounded by the fact it was with J who T does not have a relationship with - or atleast any kind of positive one.

 

2) if he looases something like his work that 'he' views as important - he will throw a fit. This is the nature of egoism in Asperger's, he is not able to see beyond the self and cannot be rationlised with.

 

3) if the 'problem' seems to be linked to computer games at break then this really isn't T's problem, it is the problem of whoever is allowing him unsupervised access to them!! He doesn't even have this at home as it can deteriorate his mood tremendously, and will escalate the chance of him going into meltdown - he can't finish until he reaches the end etc .. another Asperger issue, he is working to his timetable and has to complte one thing before going onto the next regardless of others.

 

4) if he is going out of his way to avoid lessons, then I seriously suggest you find out why! This is such a negative turn around for T, who was happily willing to access most lessons - this is another anxiety/distress issue.

 

I could go on, but all what has been described are classic traits of distress/anxiety from T - returning to practised behaviour to gain expected responses from those around him, it is a control thing, and a classic Asperger behaviour pattern. I was extremely disapointed to read this diary and T was devastated when I read it to him. He went to bed sobbing, refusing to talk, begging to be 'normal', last night he didn't want any support in school, he was determined to be like all the 'other' children etc ...

 

Fortunately this morning his mood is brigher, I was going to keep him home with me, but he was determined to go in today,. I only hope it isn't such a negative experience for everyone.

 

If you want T to 'realie that he has to work as best he can with our support' then you are going to have to reassure, teach him this, reassure some more etc .. Social communication/nuances that we take for granted are not natural for someone with an ASD, what is learnt one day is often forgotten the next or it is rote learnt. Your patience is going to be tested, but once you truly understand why T does the things he does you soon begin to realise he didn't do it just to annoy or irritate you.

 

Senco's response ...

 

Mrs w, whilst I appreciate your concern, M's comments were a 'snap shot' of what happend and the situation whas totally resolved in school demonstrating t's ability to turn things around. We are very aware of the things you have pointed out and continue to be very impressed with T's progress here, however we must be realistic; there will be 'blips' and as is obvious its a learning experience. I think it would be helpful if you could arrange to come in and discuss a few point with us.

 

Now if that had been put in the diary first I wouldn't have reacted quite as I did, but for T to be soooo distraught and return to head banging and rocking at bedtime, which went on and on and on, bedtime wasn't until the early hours in the end, refusing to talk to me in the same room only through the door, telling me he was fed up of all this 'autasm' (thats what he calls it .. bless) sh*t ... not a good day.

 

Sorry for the long post ... HH the master of epic length threads ... but I still don't think I over reacted, well maybe just a bit ... Oh I don't know ... any ideas?

 

HHxx

[lisa]

I don't think you over reacted at all. I think you explained the problem and gave good reasons for what probably happened. It's important to get across to the school why T is behaving as he is and that he is AUTISTIC not doing it to wind them up!!

 

Well done.

 

Lisa

[phasmid]

I don't think you 'over-reacted'...just simply reacted to what they had said. I think what you have put in yor letter was fair comment on the weeks events overall and spelt out to them, very clearly, why this would result in T's behaviour manifesting itself in the way it did. I think the reply is an honest one - providing of course that they will acknowledge at this meeting that this is a learning experience for them too. Use this as a chance to be frank about things, I think they are in the mood to listen and take your comments on board. Sieze that chance.

[Hectorshouse]

Thanks Lisa and Phas ... I was worried I had spat my dummy out a bit!

 

I think your right phas I will use this chance to be frank about things, the SENCO is very good, unfortunately she isn't the one that works mostly with T, but it is her job to get across to those that do what his needs are and how to address his behaviours ... trust me I have days where he drives me to distraction, but I can't exclude him can I, nor would I.

 

Anyway, the new draft statement was due to arrive today, and guess what it hasn't ... back on the old LEA ring-a-thon again ... on joyous days!

 

HHxx

[Tez]

I agree you didn't over-react. I have written similar letters to A's school. I found most of them on his school record and, from comments written on them, the school did seem to take on board my concerns. A's Deputy Head always said to me that communication was the key to resolving his problems, that's what you were doing...communicating.

[phasmid]

A's Deputy Head always said to me that communication was the key to resolving his problems

 

He's right! Good communication, in both directions, makes all the difference. I am forever getting stopped by parents when out shopping or wandering around town with a worry or problem. Standard advice is 'Speak to Mrs XXXXXXX (head) or Mr XXXXXX (senco). We can only deal with 'X's' problem if we know about it. Even if it is a 'home' thing it can affect school - we need to know.' It works, often the parent is just wanting my reassurance they are doing the right thing by telling the school, which of course they are (Why they ask me about it I don't know). Lost count of the times my head has said to me did you send so-and-so's parent(s) to see me about '??'?, it's a good job because... But she wil do the same thing with parents of ASD children, telling them I am the best person to advise them - and I am happy to do so too.

[ediebee]

We are having much the same difficuties at school with our son, they just don't seem to understand that his behaviour in not intentionally bad, thankyou for the explanation of practised behaviours, we can see that this is where the school are missing it, and will use the way you explained it at our Interim review meeting for him next week. It seems so unfair to threaten with exclusion when people are missing what is so obvious to us about our children. We are taking along our VERY supportive parent partnership officer so hopefully we can come to some positive plan with school.

[Hectorshouse]

ediebee ... I'm sorry that your having much the same problems, bizarrely the probs that we are having now are mild compared to what we had before, T is now in an ASD aware secondary mainstream that the majority of the time do very well, only sometimes do things like this happen now.

 

Before we moved boroughs his previous school, never acknowledged his dx, blamed everything and everyone else for his behavioural issues, including accusing me of being at the root of all his probs ... anyway those are the bitter dark old days of constant exclusions and part-time timetables. It did teach me a lot though, I have learnt unfortunately never to truly trust any professional, learn everything I can about ASDs and how they affect our children, learn everything I can about SEN, and unfortunately teach it to most of the blooming professionals and bods I come into contact with.

 

Know your child, understand the dx, learn the system and try and remain strong. Don't doubt yourself and share as much as possible, krism has been a bed of strength and information that I could not have done without.

 

HHxx

[LKS]

I think parents are so willing to ask you Phas because it is so obvious that you have empathy for the way that parents feel. If there had been someone like you at our primary or at any of the truly dreadful schools we hear about on krism then there wouldn't be half the problems.

[justamom]

Wow, I wish i coud write a letter like you do HH, that was brilliant.

 

Hope when you do have your meeting it all goes well

justamom

[Hectorshouse]

thanks justamom, I tend to write these letters and then have a complete panic attack, thinking I've overstepped the mark and that it will have an effect on the support that T gets ... but in reality it will have an effect and hopefully a positive one with proper communication and understanding that me as mum I do know my son best.

 

I think I come on here and share what I do as a way of reassurance, and usually the fabulous Phasmid helps to allay my fears, along with the rest of the goodly krism crew of posters. I wish I had the confidence to just do it and not seek the reassurance, but it is scary when your dealing with these people, they have such power over the lives of our children, I already know the downside of a disastrous school relationship with a SENCO and the effect that had on T and us as a family. Its a balancing game, between fighting for what our children our entitled, dealing with some fragile ego's in the education sector and being strong. But after all that, I am just a mum, who loves her son and wants him to have the best chance in life, to be treated with respect, dignity and empathy.

 

HHxx

[tmf]

I don't think you overreacted at all.....dam i wish i could express it that well!

 

Good luck with the meeting.

[hev]

i also wish i could express how i feel but i find it hard,its in my head what i want to say but writing it on paper is a different story!! i liked the way you put your views in the contact book hh

[Mother in Need]

it is scary when your dealing with these people, they have such power over the lives of our children, I already know the downside of a disastrous school relationship with a SENCO and the effect that had on T and us as a family. Its a balancing game, between fighting for what our children our entitled, dealing with some fragile ego's in the education sector and being strong.

 

HH, I don't think you over-reacted at all!

I tend to send the same type of letters all the time (though nowhere near as well explained as yours). My ds psychiatrist has told me though, that it can have a detrimental effect at times; I have 'treated' him to a few of my letters, and they have been very useful, but he told me that I can be a very scary person and that those type of letters can send people into a protective mode, they feel they have to justify their own behaviours instead of really taking on board the information I am giving them.. that surprised me rather, i have never thought of myself as scary.. anyway, I thought I'd share that, as I can see his point there.

I still would have reacted exactly the same way as you though, if a similar thing had been written in my sons home-school book.

 

and oh yes, the power they have over our lifes, it is so enormous. If schools and LEAs just did their jobs properly, I for one wouldn't have lost my business and a good friend of mine wouldn't have lost her sanity (for real, unfortunately).

[Hectorshouse]

I know what you mean MIN, I have been told I'm scary, and I know I have made some so-called professionals feel defensive, it has not been intentional, after all had they being doing what they should have been doing and not avoiding the responsibility to provide my son with an education that he is entitled to, with the appropriate support etc .. then they wouldn't have had anything to be defensive over.

 

I have had my parenting ability questioned and criticised by these people, why should I not question what they do and how they do it, if I had trusted some of these people then T would now be in a PRU following a permanent exclusion. It was only my tenacity and belief that T can achieve with the right support that has averted this, he now does have hugely more appropriate and a statement that will enable this to be maintained, all things that our previous EP didn't think were necessary. However, even with the improvements I am as diligent as ever, also I find it very hard to totally relax, it seems the minute I take my eye off the ball and let 'them' get on with it I get comments like those above from his TA.

 

I've come to realise that I am going to have to remain T's advocate and defender, for a long time to come. The only help and support he has got has come from me being a fully paid up member of the awkward squad.

 

HHxx

[Mother in Need]

had they being doing what they should have been doing and not avoiding the responsibility to provide my son with an education that he is entitled to, with the appropriate support etc .. then they wouldn't have had anything to be defensive over.

 

I have had my parenting ability questioned and criticised by these people, why should I not question what they do and how they do it, if I had trusted some of these people then T would now be in a PRU following a permanent exclusion. HHxx

 

All so true HH, and very much describing our situation as well.

 

I've come to realise that I am going to have to remain T's advocate and defender, for a long time to come. The only help and support he has got has come from me being a fully paid up member of the awkward squad.

 

And true again, the only help I have managed to get is by being such a 'member' as well. Why can't everyone simply do their jobs properly, and all this wouldn't be necessary....just moaning...mind you, with a proper permanent exclusion they actually get more education than by being illegally excluded...

[witsend]

Hi HH, you're brill, no way did you over react. You told it like it is and the school did rather ask for it! Your a great advocate for T, now could you please come round here and advocate for D? Cheers, Luv Witsend.

[kirstie]

wow, well said HH!! I would have done the same and you did it so much better than i could've.I know i will refer back to your letter for future reference!!

[Guest hallyscomet]

Hi Hectorhouse,

 

<'> <'> <'>

 

You must feel exhausted, but its good to put all your cards out on the table like that, as this opens the lines of communication and also allowed your child to get it out of their system......its hard going, but it is all progress, and I bet you all understand each other a lot better today, and the school will be much more supportive in the future.

 

Take care, be gentle with yourself, you are doing a great job.

 

Regards

Hailey <'>

[Hectorshouse]

Just wanted to say thank you <'> to one and all, I feel loads better about what I wrote now, and am waiting for the meeting to be booked.

 

... but after everything I said about the school, I was a horrid mum this morning, typical monday morning tiredness and was over grouchy with T, we both fell out this morning, but I know I was frustrated at things and he was just being T, but hey we all have off days, I can't be super mum everyday, just getting through each day is an achievement. I know we will be firends by tonight, but I hate it when we have morning tiffs, it just puts a downer on the whole day and I know he will feel the same, but we are only human after all.

 

HHxx