Don't normally really talk about the Old Man

[helenl53]

Oh help - I just need to blurt this out.

 

My husband and I decided to separate a few months ago but he is still at home and whistles and sings and puts his laundry in the basket etc.

 

He knows we are not going to continue and will not do anything around the house because it is no longer his home. (we had agreed that J and I will live here and he will find a flat nearby and that when J leaves school we will sell the house).

 

because things are not settled, I am quite anxious and uptight but being very patient as my husband is AS. He is taking J to Yorkshire this weekend and I am going to be doing my Uni work. I asked him to think about making a move to get his own place and that whilst he is in Yorkshire he can start planning. He looked quite shocked. He agrees that we are separating but said he has been waiting for me to tell him what to do

 

I am really finding things a bit difficult. Sorry - I try not to bring my stuff onto the forum - stiff upper lip and all that jazz.

 

Don't know if I need advice - just needed to offload.

 

HelenL

[UltraMum]

<'> <'> <'>

 

Don't know what to say but consider yourself hugged

[Bagpuss]

Oh Helen <'> <'> <'>

 

I hope this situation is resolved for you all .....must be so tough living like this, its neither one way or the other. Have you considered getting a third party involved, to talk things thru with yourself and your dh about what happens now? It may take some of the responsibility off your shoulders and dh may appreciate being given some guidance and advice.

 

Take care <'>

[bid]

Thinking of you, Helen <'>

 

It's very hard when you still care about someone, even if you don't want to be with them anymore

 

Bid <'>

[Kathryn]

Hi Helen,

 

No advice to offer - just sending some of these <'> <'> <'>

 

K x

[Bullet]

<'> <'> <'> Helen <'> <'> <'>

[Guest hallyscomet]

Helen, <'> <'> <'>

 

I am so sorry <'> dont feel bad for talking here. You have a lot of friends here, and it is at time like this you really need your friends.

 

Just talking is a start to help you process it all, if you keep it all inside, you become like a pressure cooker, and then we dont always make the best decisions when we are feeling like this.

 

It takes a lot of courage to reach out and talk, it does help. Take it from me, I know.

 

It is the hardest thing you will ever go through.

 

Sending you lots of these <'> <'> <'> try and get out and walk, that helps a great deal too.

 

God Bless we are here if you need to talk, or if you want to PM me you are more than welcome if you need an ear.

 

Take care <'>

 

Hailey

[something vague]

Henny,

 

Sorry, I didnt see this earlier.

 

<'> <'> <'> <'> <'> <'> <'> <'> <'> <'> <'> <'> <'> <'> <'>

 

You know you can e mail me anytime. Take care and I think Bagpuss has a point, a third party might just help to take the weight off your shoulders.

 

SV

[shortie]

<'> I'm a single mum and dd's dad also as,i think if ur hubby is anything like my ex he doesnt realise how ur hurting but the sooner he can move out the better for u so u can get on with ur life,i always thought my ex was just plain selfish and wanted me to do everything for him and to be honest he still rings me first when hes got a problem etc but u need to be strong and let him sort things himself for ur sake and his!!its hard but u'll be fine i'm sure and we're all here for u

[smiley]

<'> Helen <'> <'> <'>

[kirstie]

Helen,

<'> <'> never feel you need to have the stiff upper lip here you offload whenever you like.

It sounds like a stressful situation and your right he needs to make plans, but maybe it's a bit much on your shoulders if you have to give him a helping hand in that direction, third party sounds sensible to me too, not always easy i know to talk with someone from the 'outside' but sometimes it's the best option.

Hope you get things sorted out soon one way or another,

Thinking of you,

Kirstie.

[helenl53]

Hi Guys

 

Thank you very much for the support.

 

It is difficult at the moment but my eldest son who doesn't live at home has been here for the weekend and it has been really good to talk things over with him. My hubby has gone up north with J to visit some rellies.

 

My son understands that it is not that dad has done anything horrible - it is just that I can't cope with him and J. He is going to try and offer dad some support and encouragement because he said that dad, although he has friends, will not have opened up to them because he will not be able to really tell them what has gone wrong- because he doesn't really understand himself. M will try and explain to dad why I need for him to move out and will help with the process if dad wants.

 

This could be good because my son wants for dad and I to preserve our love and friendship and can see that living apart would help this. He feels that maybe one day, when things are not so difficult, that perhaps dad and I can live together again, but that if it doesn't happen, then at least dad and I will still have a strong bond.

 

I feel much better having my son support both of us - but I feel really sad and guilty that I can not just say, that dad can stay and we will patch things up - I am not feeling that I want it 'patched' up. I just know that the problem will re-appear and the problem is with how I feel, not with dad.

 

Love

 

HelenL

[loranderc]

HI helen

havent been on for a while but i can really feel your pain. there are a few "couple" counsellors out there who specialise in aspergers. i know of one in coventry called maxine aston (who i found a bit too blunt for me but i dont think i was ready at that point) and another but i cant remember where. Not saying that they are the answer but perhaps someone like them could help both individually and jointly so that you get the support you need and perhaps your other half may be able to talk his thoughts to someone else. Good luck and lots of hugs.Lxx

[mossgrove]

Helen

 

I am sure things seem pretty bleak at the moment, but I don't there is any reason you should feel guilty.

 

I think a lot of what happens next depends on what you both want from the separation.

 

If you are separating as a means of enabling your love/friendship to continue this does not need to be a negative thing. Our former neighbour still lives in the marital home and her husband (Who has a disability but I don't think it is autism-related) lives in a flat a short walk away. She helps him with tasks like shopping and orgainising his life and they see each other daily.

 

It's not a conventional arrangement but it works for them and they are both happier than when they lived together full time.

 

Simon

[helenl53]

Hi Simon

 

I think that is what I would like for the relationship.

 

When I spoke to my big lad, I did say that the chances are that I would end up cleaning dad's flat and doing the washing anyway.

 

It proabably sounds daft to think that if I am still going to continue a form of relationship with him and to continue to care for him - then why do I want him to leave. But the truth is - I do need him to leave - I am feeling overwhelmed by him being here.

 

Before we had J,we were separated for nearly a year - and it was great!!!. That is not said in a horrible way, but I used to see him socially and have great fun and he would come and take my eldest boy out and to visit his family and we were very close. In fact we were so close that I ended up becoming pregnant with J. I was adamant that I would remain on my own but that dad would be a big part of the lives of my children. The pregnancy was very difficult and I spent a lot of time in hospital. Dad spent a lot of time at my flat then because he would need to rush me in to hospital or be there for big lad. Anyway, a few weeks before J was born, we decided to try and make a go of things. J is nearly 11 so we have both tried hard.

 

There is no one else that I like and love as much as him. He is a great person but I just want to kill him most of the time!!

 

I am glad you posted Simon, it helped me see that we have to do what works for us and J and just to hear that another couple have done what we will be doing and that it works has given me hope.

 

Best wishes

 

HelenL

 

PS - I can not believe that I am talking about this!

[mossgrove]

HelenL

 

The hard thing in this is working out what your husbands feelings are. If he has aspergers it is probable that he finds recognising and talking about his own emotions quite difficult, and the fact that he was waiting for you to tell him what to do points in that direction.

 

It is however possible that that he may be happier with the new arrangement. For much of the time he will be able to behave as he wishes without having to conform to any pre-conceived notion of what is or isn't acceptable but he will have regular access to the support/companionship of the family.

 

I am not sure what sprt of house you have now, but is they any potential to create a kind of 'granny flat' arrangement where he has his own space within the family home, or would it be a possibility to move to such a property? A lot depends on finance, but it is worth considering, especially assplitting the house when your son leave home may not yeild enough money for you both to buy the homes you want. It would of course make it impossible for you to 'move on' in terms of any future relationship but I don't get the sense that that is what you would be looking for anyway.

 

Simon