TheNeil Report post Posted August 20, 2006 Mrs TheNeil has just confessed something very bad and I don't know what to do. She's admitted that she's been texting a guy she used to work with for the past couple of months and sometimes seen him while she's been out and about buying paint etc. Now his wife has found out and is accusing them of having an affair. She swears to me that she hasn't (and I believe her) and that this was all just a case of letting of steam etc. She's admitted that life in chateau TheNeil has not exactly been a bundle of laughs for the last few months (apparently I do tend to fixate on the AS a bit, and the work problems have become a bit 'dull'(?)) and that she's been feeling a bit <sigh> for a few months. We've talked it through and I've said that I understand and that I still love her and everything but I don't know what to do (or, more importantly, how to cope/find a path through it) I, obviously, had no idea but I don't know what to do. I can't work out what to say to her (she's off phoning a friend of hers at the moment)(a friend who apparently knew what was happening), how I should be feeling, what I should be thinking etc. The logical part of brain has accepted it and understands the situation (it was just friendship - his wife had just had a baby, Mrs TheNeil was feeling miserable and they both just needed someone to talk to), the personality part of brain keeps switching off and ignoring things (I think it can't cope so just shuts down)(that's partly why I'm here I think - it's an attempt to get into a routine) but my stomach is churning away, I'm confused and I seem to be stimming really violently in my legs (I'm sat with my chin on my knees while I type this and my left leg keeps nearly knocking me out) I'm not angry or sad (should I be?) but I'm in a state where I don't know what I should be thinking or doing. I'm in turmoil and I don't know what to do. Help Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Flora Report post Posted August 20, 2006 The neil Only you can decide how to cope with this and what to do. A few things though. She came and told you which she didn't have to do.... honesty is good. But more importantly, we all need friends outside of our family unit. Sometimes a situation is best discussed with someone who there is a natural distance with. ie, not another close friend or family member, but someone who you know who isn't involved in your life. I can see why you, and this man's wife might feel a bit betrayed, but looking at it logically Mrs TN and this bloke were both in situations that they don't feel comfortable moaning about and obviously were able to vent their moans to each other without fear of being judged. Even seperate from that I can never understand why just because you are married to someone that it is necessary to let the other person into every single aspect of your life. When I was a nurse there was an elderly lady on the ward who'd been married for nearly 70 years and was still happy with her husband! I asked her what she thought the secret to life long happiness with a partner was and she said that keeping an air of mystery, always holding something of yourself back from the other person kept things alive. It makes perfect sense to me. Hope you manage to get sorted and don't sweat the small stuff. Flora Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Bagpuss Report post Posted August 20, 2006 TN <'> I think Flora has made a valid point..we all need someone to talk things thru with and if your wife has come to you herself and told you what has been happening its a positive sign. I hope you can both put this behind you and move on. I can understand why you feel in turmoil about it but if you feel deep down your wife is being upfront and honest, then let it go. Maybe she's been able to cope with things better by being able to let off steam with someone outside the family or close circle of friends. They sometimes can have a better perspective on things. Take care <'> Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
TheNeil Report post Posted August 20, 2006 I explained to her that I fully aware that I could happily live within four walls but that I hadn't wanted her to feel restricted, confided etc. I want her to have a social life, have friends etc. I think, logically, I have no problem with the istuation but I get the impression that I'm missing something: The way the bloke's wife reacted, the way she's hidden it from me (she has admitted that this was probably a mistake), the 'serious' way that she told me. I think that it's this that has gotten me confused and upset - am I missing something? Is there something obvious that I should be seeing that I'm not? If she'd just said off-hand that she'd been texting <name omitted to protect the innocent> then it wouldn't have bothered me Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
oxgirl Report post Posted August 20, 2006 (edited) Mrs TheNeil has just confessed something very bad and I don't know what to do. She's admitted that she's been texting a guy she used to work with for the past couple of months and sometimes seen him while she's been out and about buying paint etc. Hi there, I just wondered if you would still see it as 'very bad' if your wife had texted and chatted to a woman friend and is the problem just that this guy is, well, a guy. There's nothing wrong with texting people and meeting up to chat and be friends and if this is all that's between her and the guy then it's good that she has friends to chat to. My hubby is friends with lots of woman at work and I know that's all it is. He gets on well with women, but it doesn't have to mean they're having an affair, just that they're being friends. It sounds like it's the same for your wife. Good luck. ~ Mel ~ Edited August 20, 2006 by oxgirl Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
noogsy Report post Posted August 20, 2006 hi hun im no marriage guidance councillor but i think any couple dealing with disability can experiance problems.im assuming you are on the AS maybe for your wife the whole thing is not intresting any more.i find my hubby gets very bored with me trawling the internet,doing this on forums and generally shutting him out.he had a ex girlfriend from his teens who got in touch with him.through friends reunited..and she used to text him and i was disintrested because i did trust my hubby...lol..it did not come to anything and hubby was a bit nervous and he changed his number....lol.....but for us some thing happened that brought our problems to a head.his (hubbys)mother died suddenly in our home in 2000.....in front of us in our living room of a massive heart attack..we both worked on her till the ambulance arrived but it was not to be..there was NOTHING even a doctor could have done....my hubby took it hard (he is normal im the one who has possible asd)...and our relationship went to pot for three years.we hardly spoke,did not have s*x,and were totally taken up with trying to sort out our kids...i,we ended up going to our gp and having councilling about everything that had happened and it did help.and within a year with a lot of effort from both of us we have went back to normal..i have to say we take time out it has been the most important time...we go away on our own (no kids) and have a weekend away we do this EVERY YES EVERY three months.a nice hotel .nice meals maybe a show and romance no talk of children or work..and we lounge around in pubs....lol.....in fact on of our few rules is to talk of nothing serious or liable to start a row..we dont discuss our friends..we talk to each other about each other we try to comunicate..we do not go out at all week to week we save our pennies to have a quality weekend away.i dont know if i have helped here but i can only tell you my experiance.hope i have given you some ideas to help...love noogsy Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
TheNeil Report post Posted August 20, 2006 OK I've calmed myself down now and Mrs TheNeil seems to be a lot happier (which makes me happier). I think because she came across as this being 'very serious' I had great difficulty in seeing past what I perceived as being an 'ordinary' thing (in that she just texted a friend - male of female, makes no difference to me BTW). All of the 'problem' seems to be coming from the bloke's wife and that's getting Mrs TheNeil very stressed so maybe I'm picking up on that As this is a relationship thing, and I'm no good at 'reading between the lines', I think I just went in a panic Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
jen Report post Posted August 20, 2006 Its very important that you both spend quality time together to make things work. Its also important to have a supportive network outside of each other. Go and do something you will both enjoy. Jen Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Jill Report post Posted August 21, 2006 It seems to me like it is the gentleman's wife that has the problem (the chap that Mrs N has been texting). She sounds quite jealous that she can't cope with her husband having a female friend. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
TheNeil Report post Posted August 21, 2006 It seems to me like it is the gentleman's wife that has the problem (the chap that Mrs N has been texting). She sounds quite jealous that she can't cope with her husband having a female friend. Yep that's about it in a nutshell. I was getting confused as such 'gravity' was being attached the it so, in a brain panic, assumed that I must have been missing something but, as I didn't know what that 'something' was, I went into panic mode. So far, in the TheNeil household, things seem to be getting back on track Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
cmuir Report post Posted August 21, 2006 (edited) Hi As I've discovered, things have a way of working out one way or another. It does seem that some people have much more than others to deal with (all of us on the forum), but somehow we all get by ? because we have to! You've in with the right crowd to offer support and advice. I know I've found that it's comforting to know that there are folks that care, even if we don't always have the answers. Best wishes Caroline. Edited August 21, 2006 by cmuir Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
elaine1 Report post Posted August 23, 2006 wow thats alot to handle. perhaps it wd help if u talked it out? good luck <'> Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
