single parents???

[purplegail]

I would love to hear from other single parents of ASD children.

My husband and I split over a year ago. On top of other problems he found it very difficult to cope with Laura and I found it increasingly difficult to cope with Lauras' problems as well as coping with him 'not coping' with laura and life in general. I suggested something temporary to allow him to 'come to terms with' his problems but he liked the 'born again bachelor' life and it became permanent.

To cut a long story short , I hoped that we would be able to share care as I noticed that Laura responded well to 1 t0 1 parenting but he is 'very busy' and sees her once a fortnight (if that! because she often doesn't go as it's too short notice - I can't get him to understand that her asd means she responds well toa set routine!!!)

My main problem is the bitterness and hatred that he passes on via our children. (he didn't care about much at all until I started seeing someone else) I know that many split families go through these problems but for laura to deal with ''well if it wasn't for that man, me and your mum would be back together now'' is proving a very long, emotional and often physically painful battle. She liked my new fella and , for her sake (she can't stand intimacy) we kept it purely platonic in my house. But her Dad insisted on telling her that I was lying and he ''probably stayed over when she was away'' tHIS WEEKEND HE'S TOLD HER THAT I get money for her (DLA) AND THAT IT'S HERS BUT i SPEND IT ALL ON ME. I've had to spend all evening trying to get her to understand that it's not ''hers'' but for her benefit - like allowing us to stay in this familiar home and not go through the trauma of moving and for repairing holes in the wall!!! It goes on and on and on and of course my younger son is also affected by both the bitterness and the knock on effect of the lies.

Sorry for rambling on but It does feel better to 'get it out'

I try to stay neutral but it is so easy to get dragged in to a debate when what she's repeating is so unfair.

HOW DO I GET HIM TO SEE THAT IT'S MENTAL CRUELTY TO INVOLVE THE KIDS IN HIS WAR OF HATE AGAINST ME?????

[Frangipani]

Its a tough one <'> <'>

 

All I can say is give him a no reaction reaction, try and make it that he collects your child from school on Friday afternoons so you dont have to see him, and get him to take them to school Monday morning.

 

My ex left me for another woman then after six months he wanted out and he wanted me to help him tell her why he needed to come back to our family for at least seven years thereafter he made several attempts through the children on what a wonderful mum I was and what a terrible mistake he make, but for my ears to hear any of this it was like excuse me. He thought I would take him back after marrying another woman and having a child to her I am not kidding.

 

When he first left as I had to collect the kids he would yell at me if I forgot to pack something, throw their bikes and bags towards me and storm off. This is why I chose the school pick up and drop off. For my sanity.

 

You are always going to be the bad guy, they are always going to paint a picture that it is all your fault, just say to yourself they are in denial and are going through a grieving process and behaving in the most odd ways.

 

All I can say is dont react to anything that they say, join a support group for single mums do a hobby, find new interests. Expect you will have times where you feel like you are taking two steps forward and five steps back, but if you exercise regularly, it will make you stronger. Keep him as far away as possible. Talk to your children listen but try to avoid saying bad things about their dad, if something is mentioned that dad said, and you feel like picking up that phone, DONT, write it down. Put it off for a week, if it is still a problem in a weeks time, do some walking to help you calm down, and ask your self one question. "Is it really important', then decide to talk to him about it once you have calmed down. Or talk with your children and be their rock, be the safe place to fall, talk with them but try not to put dad down. Kids are smart, they will work out who is making up the stories. Just focus on being the best parent you can be, and the b......d will leave you alone.

 

NO reaction reaction, if he knows he is getting you upset, he will continue to do it.

 

Just keep faith in yourself that you are a wonderful mum doing a very hard job, but your kids love you and there is a blessing everyday for you, that you enjoy, and he has walked away from, his loss.

 

Take care of you, all the best

 

<'>

[Tylers-mum]

I'm a single parent and have been since I was 4mth pregnant with T, then when he was born he started stalking and harrassing me where we lived and became emotionally abusive as he was during the relationship also. I then moved into a refuge (safe house) where iu was rehoused, he found me so was rehomed again here. We are happy here and for our safety, my son does not have contact with him.

Yes it's hard b/c I have to be both Mum and Dad and fight for everything he deserves in life but he is my lil boy and I love him with all my heart. I have thought of giving up a few times and throwing in the towel when he's in meltdown or having a particulary hard few days but I know that deep down, we are both far far happier now alone, than we would have been if I was still in a relationsship with his dad.

 

With regards to your situ, can you get legal advise?? What your ex is doing IS emotional abuse and believe me, that takes a LOT longer to heal that physical abuse does (Just my opinion though as I've been on the recieving end of both). Wounds heal but pychological damage can take years, if not a life time to ease and even then, they never go away.

PLEASE think of your kids here. Is he really a good role model, is he really a good father? I'm not saying cease all contact with him but I really do think that maybe 'supervised' access would be a good starting point. Please, think of your kids, not only in the here and now but for how their future will be too given both scenarios (with and without contact). That was the deciding point for me when I decided to leave T's father and I know I've made the write decision b/c no matter how hard day to day life is with T, he is the happiest lil boy I know and both he and I are made!

 

All the very best hun. (((HUGS)))

[Kazzen161]

I sympathise - I am a single parent to three boys - my ex left for someone else when T was 4 and the Twins were 6 months old. It was a complete surprise when he left, and I was left to pick up the pieces - T was very upset, and 13 years on woudl still like his Dad to come back and live with us!

 

Luckily we set up regular access quite quickly, so we have always had that routine. There are different rules in the two households, but he has coped with that OK.

 

T did have some counselling for a while, as he was finding it all hard to deal with (we didn't know he had AS at that time). One thing they suggested was making a big picture showing all the various houses. Then we drew the people and cars and acted out who lived/visited where, etc. He liked that. There are some good books in the local library that help to explain what happpens when parents divorce. We always said that mummy and daddy didn't love each other anymore, but that we woudl both always love T (even though it wasn't true, as I did still love my ex then).

 

I don't know how old your dd is. After the initial few months, where we used to argue when he picked up the kids, we decided to only communicate about issues through our solicitors. After a few years, we were able to (mostly) talk things through OK.

 

I have found that in the end the kids work out for themsleves what happened, but it has taken a long time in my case.

 

Karen

[CarolJ]

I would love to hear from other single parents of ASD children.

My husband and I split over a year ago. On top of other problems he found it very difficult to cope with Laura and I found it increasingly difficult to cope with Lauras' problems as well as coping with him 'not coping' with laura and life in general.

 

but he is 'very busy' and sees her once a fortnight (if that! because she often doesn't go as it's too short notice - I can't get him to understand that her asd means she responds well toa set routine!!!)

 

I try to stay neutral but it is so easy to get dragged in to a debate when what she's repeating is so unfair.

HOW DO I GET HIM TO SEE THAT IT'S MENTAL CRUELTY TO INVOLVE THE KIDS IN HIS WAR OF HATE AGAINST ME?????

 

Hi purple, unfortunately statistics (in America) show that 80 percent of parents of autistic kids split.

 

He sounds so much like my ex, it seems he is struggling to come to terms with the way things are. Which we all have to do - i still struggle with the reality of having autistic children. Alot of the time the anger and bitterness and not having time for each spell disaster for relationships.

 

Its definitely mental crueltly to sound off at the children it confuses them. My ex was the same but i know that nastiness displayed towards me in front of the children was more because i think he was angry at himself and he was trying to find someone else to blame - ie me.

 

My ex had an affair, and basically told me he wanted a "normal life" with "normal kids", yet i know he loves both his kids to bits, he just wasnt or isnt in a position to do much about it. He cant cope.

 

Everyone of us has this struggle, things change for us and our kids. Its hard to let go of the "dreams and aspirations" that most parents take for granted. We take things bit by bit day by day.

 

I myself have found myself venting at my daughter especially when she repeats something my ex said and because she understands more and i hate myself for doing it. But all i can say is that we are human we have emotions I sometimes have a meltdown of my own because it all gets too much.

 

Being a single parent is hard enough but having children with challenging behaviours is nigh on impossible.

 

All i can say is i wish you all the best and hope that your ex partner will eventually realise the error of his ways, my ex is much calmer now but has relapses every so often - give him time he will grow up!

 

You ex has got to realise that your kids need you both either together or apart but u both have to work in their best interests.

 

I am often amazed at the childish, selfish and petty behaviours many adults indulge in when dealing with relationship splits - its is disgraceful.

 

I am not a matyr so have come to realise that in order for me to keep my sanity I have to sometimes put myself first.

 

Perhaps some sort of family counselling might be in order sometimes having a third party to mediate can help bring issues to the surface and enable you both to talk.

 

Good luck

[Mother in Need]

Hi, I too am a single parent of three boys, one of whom with AS, ODD and diabetes. I myself kicked my ex out of the house three years ago, and haven't looked back since. He was very violent, and for the children't safety I had to do what I did. The fact that I still loved him didn't matter anymore, he was simply too difficult and dangerous to live with. He gave me a lot of hassle re access to the kids, even took me to court but as I won he has beocme easier. Saying that, he kept saying and doing things that were so horrible for the boys and esp my AS son, that I ended up giving him an ultimatum. I refused to even talk to him, let alone let him see the boys, till he had found out what the words 'Asperger's Syndrome' meant. It took him 4 weeks, but he did it. Then I still did not allow him to see the boys till he had read his son's diagnoses (from over a year ago...). After sending him yet another three copies of this report he finally did.

I then slowly let him see the boys again. But he knows, I decided what happens and if he doesn't treat the boys right (or myself even now) I simply won't let him see them.

He can't really do anything about this, as he doesn't want to pay maintenance and can't afford another courtcase and he knows I won the first as he was being unreasonable then and i can easily prve that again.

 

But yes, it is hard being on your own. I have no family at all myself, so no help from them. I do have a few friends, but none of them is willing and able to have my son for even a short while; his needs are too complex, his behaviour too difficult, his moods too fragile, so there is just me and only me. Social services is still completely ignoring all our pleas (even those from GP, psychiatrist etec), their every child matter totally stinks, there is no help from any other source, I have lost my business due to his complex needs and now have to survive on IS which is as good as nothing.

 

Sorry, I'm waffling on now, but in your case, he is not taking your children's welfare into account at all when he does these things and therefore you would have a perfectly legal reason to temporarily not let him see them at all. Even when my ex shouts at me on the phone I tell him that if he continues to treat me like that I will hang up on him and refuse to speak for some time; which is exactly what I end up having to do. But over time this message has gotten through to him, and his outbursts are now much less and his behaviour while with the boys better. I do have to add to this that he is never alone with the boys, except for with my eldest, as they do not feel safe with him, so I am always with them. Which means that I still don't get a break, but at least the boys are safe.

[Platefull of Love]

I am another single mum to 3 boys .I was married & got divorced to S & D's dad. I then met somebody else & had B. I have been on my own now for quite a few years.

My X doesn't understand, or even want to acknowledge D has aspergers, we had a row yesterday as he wants to just spend the time with S & D alternate weekends so he spends the time with only 1 of them at a time, that way he can sort them out as it all my fault for pandering to D that they are how they are. I know he does love the lads, but D. doesn't get on with him that well, he ofton comes home & gets upset about things, I get the backlash when he gets home, he often doesn't want to go, yet I do really need the break. He does take him out, but doesn't see him as I do, he isn't the 1 running back & to for meetings/appointments ect. This hurts me so much as I deal with D on a daily basis, I am not a perfect mum, but I certainly try my hardest. I think one of the things that angered me the most was when he decide to blame me on the ward when I had D admitted as he was threateing to harm himself/wanting out from life. the hospital admitted him, I had just asked for some help for D. but as Camhs were not available for a few days he had to stay in. I am glad he was admitted, it meant they saw him as he is. Of course he doesn't only play up for me there was the residential he didn't even stay for 1 night, they brought him home. But he just blames me, it makes me so sick, it is also upsetting my lads. As we drove off yesterday they were calling him to me. We had only just called round to ask him something as we were passing, I never even got out of the car. Needless to say if I want to do things with my lads I will do, he will miss out. I am not haveing him dictating to me.

[purplegail]

Hiya

As always, it helps to know I am not alone.

I even saw the doctor yesterday who told me to set my boundaries and stick to them with both Laura and her Dad (he also gave me anti depressants!!!!) but it's not always easy with a very large and very violent 14 year old!!!!

 

Is there ever a light at the end of my tunnel????

[mel]

There is light. eventually, whatever problem he has with you will fade along with his anger. when you set your boundaries, stick to them no matter what and try and have as little contact with him as possible.

 

wishing you luck <'>

[lil_me]

Sorry to hear your situation is so difficult.

 

I am sort of a single parent, my partner left a few months ago, he did come back and I thought things were fine then he dropped it on me that it was all an act. I was gutted to say the least as been trying so hard. We're trying something which I am unsure if it'll work because the children took it extremely badly last time and trying just living together as their parents. Most probably think I am completely crazy but I will do anything to try and keep my kids happy right now, they went through hell last time, and avoid things like the parents who have posted about access etc have mentioned.

[shortie]

I'm a single parent twice over,was married yeeears ago and had 3 girls but divorced him for cheating although we do get on ok now!! Then met youngest DD's dad and the same day i found out i was pregnant i also found out he'd been seeing his ex for months aswell!!!he didn't see DD until she was three months old(mychoice)turned up when he felt like it so told him to off!!he turned up again when she was 1yr and for 2yrs it was ok,we were even having a relationship again that was ok!!then DD was dx and things went up in the air,he started acting weird and i knew he was seeing someone else, he made out it was someone he used to talk to about DD and it just happened!! yeah ok! but i do remember something my doctor said to me years ago...."its better to have one happy parent,than two unhappy ones"and i do think he's got a point,its hard on my own but i'm less stressed these days, only got one "baby" to look after instead of two!!!!