Attachment and dependency

[SensitiveSoul]

I hope it's ok for me to start a topic, and I apologise if I've started it in the wrong place or anything. I did have a quick look to check where the most obvious place was to start the topic but it wasn't obvious to me in the end, so I've put it in general. I also checked nobody had started a topic similar, and couldn't see anything, but apologies if anyone has. I just have this thing I wanted to say and get other people’s opinions on.

 

I'm not sure if it's an Aspie thing or just 'Sonia' thing, but when someone is nice to me, or makes me feel like they care about me I have a habit of becoming very attached. I think it might have something to do with dependency. Ever since being a small child I have depended heavily on others to look after me. Okay, so it’s normal for a small child to need to be looked after, but it’s something that I’ve never grown out of despite growing older. For some reason I have an inability to make decisions. For some reason there’s this inbuilt belief in me that I can’t make the right decision. I will always get it wrong and therefore I need someone else’s opinion to reassure me. I need someone else to take control because they’ll be able to make the right decision for me whereas I can’t.

 

When I’m alone I feel helpless and scared. It makes the world seem like a hugely overwhelmingly scary place and I really believe it’s too big for me to cope in and the fears – which are probably highly exaggerated, but to me feel incredibly real – completely take me over and overwhelm me. I can’t get them out of my head. It means I live in a permanently high state of anxiety.

 

All of this means I seek out people to care for me and reassure me. It means that when I find any such people I grasp on to them with both hands because of a desperate feeling of needing them to survive.

 

My dependencies rule my life. They have a huge detrimental effect on it. I live with so much fear and anxiety. My beliefs that I am unable to care for myself are so massive that I fail to function properly in life if I haven’t got anyone to fall back on and deal with the responsibilities for me.

 

Am I alone in this or do other people experience attachment and/or dependency issues?? I'm feeling like a bit of a freakish person right now, because I don't know anyone else who has an issue similar to mine!

Edited August 6, 2012 by SensitiveSoul

[Special_talent123]

I feel the same, And it hits me the hardest when they have left and I dont want them to go. I already miss a few people

[A-S warrior]

i thought this was an a-s thing but i quess its just me... but ive always walked alone, i hate being in the company of others and i can be quite rude if someone drops in unexpected. i dont care if pepole are nice, i dont care if there nasty it makes no difference to me, the only person i need is myself. the rules change with girlfriends however, but i always keep the shutters up with everybody else.

[Isobel]

I'm quite sensitive and get upset if people pretend to want to like me, and then suddenly dump me. Its like dangling a carrot in front of a donkey and then taking it away.

[robert7111a]

It's nice to be looked after and it's also nice to be wanted/needed. But it is not good to be dependent on somebody else.

 

I feel this can be a sign of vulnerability and people might take advantage. For example, somebody might be nice to you and want to be your friend. But they only do this if they want something from you and then they dump you afterwards.

 

I am very wary and distrustful of people unless they can prove to me they can be trusted. This was (and still is to an extent) why I didn't make friends. I was used and bullied at school and quite gullible. But living on my own for many years kinda toughened me up as I had to learn to survive out there in the world full of unknowns and people ready to make a killing.

 

It is better to be independent in life where you can make better choices

[smileyK]

i can so relate to attachment and dependency issues as like you saying whe fear/anxiety is involved steps up or become scared worried can frighten you off and need comforting /reassurance off my parents mainly or another adult source to 'cling onto' that's why feel so trapped sucked into 'child's world' which hard /difficult climb out off as like security /comfort blanket it becomes sense of NEED more than WANTING IT! you become desperate seek it out if can't find it right away when you crave it! so hard move away and be responsible adult use your own mind when anxiety makes you hunt around for someone to help you find the right route of answers etc it's not nice feeling to have you want to escape it run away but it draws you back even ever time try move away at school be teachers, at college it be tutors at home parents at work- colleagues i feel like i'm forever fighting away but yet again chasing hope you get what trying to explain! sorry if don't!

 

XKLX

Edited August 6, 2012 by smileyK

[SensitiveSoul]

i can be quite rude if someone drops in unexpected.

 

I would say that particular trait isn't just you. A lot of people (myself included) with AS can't stand the unexpected. I think for me personally I rely on routine and structure, so I always set out a structure for my day first thing in the morning. When something happens unexpectedly - like someone dropping round that hadn't arranged with me first - then it throws my daily routine, and the structure I have planned out in my mind for the day so I really don't like it!

 

It's nice to be looked after and it's also nice to be wanted/needed. But it is not good to be dependent on somebody else. I feel this can be a sign of vulnerability and people might take advantage.

 

I know it's not good to be dependent on people. My dependency issues are the bain of my life! I'd really rather not be the way I am, but unfortunately I am, and I started the post to see if anyone else understood how I feel and what I'm experiencing. My dependency isn't just a sign of vulnerability. It is a vulnerability! I've had people take advantage of me because I believe so much that I need people to survive, that I get scared of losing them. I become willing to take so much rubbish off people. I would rather shut up and put up, than express how I really feel for fear of upsetting them and losing them. I’ve never been any good at expressing anger because I won’t show people when I’m angry with them in case I upset them. I will let people treat me really badly, and say nothing. I just won't get into disagreements!

 

Having a dependent personality is really hard! I would love to be independent - it's not that I don't want to be. It's that I have this disorder that not many people know of, or understand, which is severely impacting on my life and pulling me back from being independent. I'm battling to get it under control but won't ever without issues of dependency and that's scary.

Edited August 9, 2012 by SensitiveSoul

[Mike_GX101]

Apparently someone with a dependent personality could fit into personality disorder cluster C.

 

But of course we all started off dependent on someone and we adapted to become self-sufficient. Often this happens due to circumstances where a family might have difficulty sustaining itself financially and the dependents may choose to chip in with house chores, etc to help ease the burden. Even if this doesn't happen many decide they want to go their seperate ways perhaps to a college of their choosing and so have no choice but to adapt and become self-sufficient. If none of these drivers are present however then dependency may become an issue later in life.

 

Anyone who recalls the film The Matrix will recall the point at which Neo is 'unplugged' in the 'world of the real' and he undergoes a series of muscle development programmes due to his muscles never having been used before. The same happens when one has lived a life of total dependency on others and then has to forgo it - often their mind cannot take it in and in a desperate attempt for support they grasp for attachment as if they cannot imagine life without it. But there is always life beyond dependency - you just have to give it time and learn the skills of self-sufficiency and in time you too will develop your muscles of self-sufficiency and self-dependency.

Edited March 11, 2013 by Mike_GX101

[smileyK]

I so struggle with being 'too attached' and also dependent on my parents have struggled to 'break free' but am working steadily on this as my 'home work' I taking it step by step day by day! Still difficult to "swallow" walk away with own independent own life! Panic get anxious and scared over my 'missing' or 'lacking' skills which I seem to pressure myself over it all time trying to "break down" every part slowly gradually! Taking it easy! But overwhelming long road to travel can be so frustrating and overwhelming! XKLX

[trekster]

I think sometimes this is partly due to not having enough confidence to break away from your parents. im less dependent on my family and more on my home help now than I used to be.

[smileyK]

@ trekster - I think my whole daily existence 'boils down' to not have 'enough' self belief /confidence! Which brings with it a sinking dread /anxiety within me I need 'someone' I trust around incase something goes 'completely wrong' and can help guide reassure me into a decision that is "right"!

[Alain Menai]

Hi Sensitive Soul.

 

I understand as I have had some of the same issues in the past. I respectfully suggest that you read some Buddhist articles about 'Attachment'. Getting my head around these concepts really helped me. This of course is assuming that you have not done so already.

 

I am non-religious and non-political and I find the 'Noble Eightfold Path' of Buddhism and mindfulness to be a really useful framework to live my daily life within.

 

AM