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Hope it going to be as 'positive' as I think and believe! Fingers X

Sorry if haven't been receptive to ideas/feedbacks but know something needs to be "done"

I feel it something 'NEEDS' to be said done sorted talked through "issues" than my parents!

Do I have a heart to heart with my auntie over "my struggles" that are developing as don't know where to begin with writing a letter?!feel I can be open and honest with her!

I'm sitting in bedroom -on bed writing a organised list of what I need (clothes wise and object wise)!

Has made a countdown calender to make the days quicker... As getting impatient! But told by my neice (who's 8 years old on monday!) That's for kids hand made calender! Lol ;p

I don't feel 'I know myself' I feel others know me better than I do! I can't find 'balance' as doesn't exist!

After "AS crash" happens just seem to "shut off the world" and watch taking in the world around me I suppose its more "extreme case of people watching" seeing reality of their lives! Its ironic how right now just coming out on mini and major form of AS crashing I would agree on the case of it common occurence to happen within our lives! And us wanting to do anything to avoid the 'AS crash' as much as possible as makes you anxious and scared holding your breathe! That's my idea of going away for few days to "breathe fresh air" to gain 'clear head'!

A school friend has moaned about same subject topic on facebook and is not at all pleased or happy think she'll be going down local council monday morning

I think personal level it great you can sit down be open and honest with your mum about what you feel your issues are what causing them it sounds like you and your mum have close relationship which will deffo. 'Help' when comes too assessment asking questions on family background/structure , how school was for you! Etc and sometimes because you 'live' with it everyday don't seem to 'spot' or clearly notice 'anything' but others on outside do! So may help taking your mum along with to the docs if she aint already! Just incase you're anxious or nervous and skip/miss information/details! I think the decision to do it now is "right" as with puberty and all changes fast "hitting" approaching can be quite a hard /difficult time and "shock to the system" this is where support of your mum comes in too! Good luck! There can be many difficult emotions/thoughts that come up are raised but get to the "right answers" have to be faced head on! X

*i think reason behind my guilt ,hatred is pure self-esteem issues which crop same time when depression is playing up which adds to frustration!

I don't think ill ever give myself 'a break' but this 'break' away will give me the "head space" to pull myself back move forward productively without going lots of steps back like in my past! I know main key is stop being so harsh with myself and blaming myself continously I know I need to move away from these thoughts which push me further ,deeper in! Just finding self resource skills to fall back on when things get too much (thoughts/emotions) hope one day I find peace within instead trying to chase myself in circles trying push everyone away so everyone hates me as much as I do! Probably don't make sense but hope it does! I can only free/release myself try got to work it out step by step!

Fingers X for ya xxx good luck to both you and your son! X

Kids @ work, my neices! Lol ;)X

I feel scared I going to lose "everything" -my family and my friends and this specially worries and scaries me as I know my family mean it when they say it my last chance "be good" my family see myself exclude myself from the family unit lot of time I withdraw when "not well" enough so hard make them see it don't just plan it!

I'm in the same predictment right now of trying work out where next to go what neXt to do for the best try help myself out of this state before my family have truly reached the end of the road,last tether then I on my own I lost them all my eight year old neice is scared of me due to me "kicking off" in front of her now can't control used to be able to when she was around! And that well huge amount guilt comes in that she don't feel safe and secure/protected around me -her auntie literally destroys me knowing that I'm on last chance /warning with my older sister if I mess this up I can't see my neices again I'm wrecking messing up everything my family what for! Because my mental health messing me up screwing me up! And services getting me in a pure mad tizz/spin adds to frustration! Its not like I love moaning being nasty cruel unkind all of sudden spring out ill never forgive myself!

I did raise the question of having a social worker aligned to me mt care needs /support plan etc. Ihave been told directly this "system" is rarer few between! Sounds like a 'postcode lottery' and was told by a nurse at MHT don't know if because I'm an adult funding cuts etc which so frustrating to be honest! XKLX

* I know I'm selfish! Knowing this makes me worst I know I'm horrid! I hate see the heartache,pain pure destruction in the path I have left! The guilt is totally overwhelming but I have to "carry this burden" as it my fault I cause it! Why don't I know when back off when enough is truly enough?! And calm down go away!

I also am struggling to stop wallowing self pitying stop moaning about how bad I feel my life is right now feel guilty for raising it but can't help how feel inside feel I have to fake it pretend I"m happy when I'm not I'm failuring awful and dragging my parents down so drained fed up of way I act moany all time and not bucking my ideas up trying to "move on" and help myself out of this which my parents see me doing for a while then switch bad! Just going round in circles! They (parents) feel I am doing enough to work on myself!

It sounds quite positive MIND going hand in self -referral next thursday and go from there really! I'm glad I thought of re-connecting to MIND both in volunteering position and also on personal level /basis I hope can get some luck this way! As got some high up connections (knowning both seniors there well) they can also look into bi-polar?

Have been into MIND today as used to volunteer there a few years back as part of my college course work placement I loved it there! Thrived! One of senior managers "took me under her wing" as such helped me lot! I bumped into her few months back in clothes store!popped into today told her about my current situation (crisis,mood states) she said her advice to me was self -refer to MIND assessment! I'm trying to be proactive / "fight back" to my current situation! I did explain I am temporary with mental health service and that personal budget normally covers costing of my needs MIND do overall assessment XKLX

Can't do this x ;(

Feel like I was one them people in life born to be bad fail!

Don't know where I going with any of these services to be quite honest as like dad says not getting anything from them... Don't believe even been referred or on waiting list of any kind! But she is MH nurse surely counts for something knowing about meds? No!? They both said shouldn't be long and that social worker should have contacted by me now also with news too! I think I need to emotional off load properly in saf secure environment maybe down my aunties is good time! But then with my uncle leaving her may not be "right thing" to do just need deeply honestly "spill out" cry scream shout someone can hold me close! * its not pyschologisat I'm being referred to otherwise I'd be staying under MHT she ASD counsellor looked on her website does one to one individual sessions fa

@ lynda lou I want regular source contact to go to for pyschology support as that's what I feel is needed to move forward not strong enough to work this out purely on my own! My train trip only thing keeping me going strong stop myself 'spiralling' into "another crisis situation! No one explains clear what my current needs offer me entitle me too In simple terms easy to grasp get head around?! Feel like pyschology needs link/connection to my ASD though or what's point as both combine anyways make eachother grow rapidly worse fast! I now don't watch much TV buy hardly any reality magazine either to be honest!