philipo

Thanks LyndaLou, I 'm trying to work hard on being superficial and shallow since i found out I was an asd/asp/autiy job ,but can't really live the lie that I'm 'normal',for want of a better word.i only managed the self employment because the ex did the books for me,but I dumped her and my family/most of feinds becasue I did'nt know I had the 'curse' then,and was misdiagnosed by a private shrink as Chronic Post traumatic Stress Disorder ten years ago. The art world is really a self regurgatating monkey seee,monkey do mess although the creative/expressive aspects for individual self knowledge are extremly positive. Thats one of the amazing things about crative expression,self awareness.I did some darkroom photograms of my skull x rays 8 ish years ago .basically it was a skull x ray superimposed with electrical wiring and computer chips.i had NO IDEA about autisim/asd/aspy brain at the time.Looking back it was clear as a bell,trying artistically to express my 'problems'.It was there staring me in the face all the time,but thats hindsight.I often wonder if art could be used to help diagnose peoples mental disabilitys/illness.Uni lecturers were terrified when I anaylsed art from the pshycological perspective,they are still digesting Freud and 'modernism'! Biggest problem is I'm very shy so expressing is very hard,technically I'm brill but in terms of using a website/forum I'm a divvy.Until about a month ago I was wondering if most sites users had moved to the Norfolk Broads cos it seemed a nice quiet place to live if affected by asd/aspy/autyism.I started to consider moving there,but then someone on the site explained that it was a 'points' system,depending on how many posts made.That about sums it up,really bad with the simple things that many take for granted,especially time/calenders/rotas. Knowing what I know now about my 'condition' I'm sure that if I went back self employed I'd easy get away with appearing unconventional/odd/eccentric by saying 'I'm an artist!' and no one would suspect what my problems are and forgive me loads of things. thanks for reply. philipo x

Thanks forn your reply Leeds_Demon, I only accepted my problem last autumn,i'm 48.I was accepted at Uni a few years ago to do an art degree,with no qualifications and no secondary education.Did'nt know I was 'bonkers' with it the.Kept getting lost going to uni and pesterd the staff for ten minutes help a week to help me with a weekly rota and was ignored.Went to the disability services who were rubbish and missed my asd,said i was dyslexic but praised me for being the only student who knew who Catherine the great was in the disabilities 'assesment.After that they treated me as an unspecified mental case/idiot so I left after 2 years learning nothing except art = establishment painting .Baddad wrote a while back 'Those who can do,those that can't teach' or words to that effect.The low quality/bland art students were there qualify as 'art teachers' and the good students wanted to work for themselves or were just too odd to do either but produced fantastic art. Whats really weird is last night I was dreaming I was in 'art' class back at Uni!The only time I've ever dreamt about it.Do you beleive in telepathy? Before i went to uni I'd done my own art as a creative compulsion/unconcious theraphy,taught myself to do music and sculpchure.I learnt to start writing and very basic internet at uni but not by staff.i left after 2 years because they were obviously just screwing me for money and thought the 'course' was just a box ticking exercise.Some tutours resented that I was more skilled than them in film/sound and I was always asking deeper questions about 'art'.WHY WHY WHY?I always asked. I worked self employed for a while doing adverts and community filming but had a motorbike accident last year and am doubting wether to carry on with 'arty' stuff since now I know I'm an asd job and understand myself alot more I'm thinking of taking the 'neurotypical' approach ,i.e. produce somthing contoversial and shocking to make MONEY. I've turned down offers of work from right wing political parties and freinds from the Asian community,I'm so sick of doing films for motorbike clubs ,rockmusic is a timewarp. getting a steady wage is great but ,like many,I feel this is just peeing in the wind thinking I will ever be accepted as 'normal',working for myself is just as hard because I have difficulties staying on track and focus,made worse by spinal/head injuries.

And so do I . we cant see what others see in us.Just trust the feedback from other posters we all have a lot of respect for you.Just beleive yourself that your on it and unravelling it all the time.And you'll get happier and happier as life move on.you've given lots of people help on this forum and be proud and take on board that your contributions are positive and have helped alot of people.You don't just exist in your head you know.you exist outside in other peoples because your alive and real and important.And you've got understanding and guts. I'd rather read your posts than talk to a mental health worker anyday.

Your a good mum Lnydalou,and whats more you've the guts and courage to bare your heart about what does your head in with your baby.Many women feel they have to suffer in silence and give out this persona of 'perfect mum',when theres no such thing,except in the projections of men and the male world. When i was a single dad with a baby,I felt even more of a freak ,but i quickly realised were all kids really ,if we are honest with ourselves.The back ground daily grind of kids,especially babies can get to us all but i found in myself little coping mechanisims.No ones perfect and I learnt that perfect parents are dodgy and I was suspicious of parents I met who always glossed over the fustrations when i asked them how did they cope when it all got too much.i've got more respect for women than men(generally Baddadda) after doing babies, and \\i'm a bit of a fem. if your anxious then evry little noise is worse.Being hyperd up its really hard to realax,try and treat yourself and pamper yourself,its easy to forget your needs when your stressed.I remember the teething and when she had measles.I'd get steadily run down ,day after day and just when I was about to drop completly she'd get better.Although a lot of it was sheer poverty and domestic drudgery I look back now after all these years and would'nt change a thing . Keep on going,an old saying...what does'nt kill you makes you stronger. Baddad stick to the OP,its a waste of electric otherwise philipo......says(leaving himself open to pshycic assault) ONLY REAL MEN CAN DO 'WOMENS WORK'.

I was a sound mixer for years,there is a lot of 'not what you know but who' in the music bizz but as i was not into doing coke and E's I missed the boat as I found the social side of it hard. It used to be like when i was a chef,long hours,no weekends and punters full of alchohol who did'nt appreciate the work and concentration involed. Certainly not a 9 to 5 er,when it comes to creativity its steam engine time when its steam engine time and i compulsivly go with the flow.

With my baby ,many years ago I used to have ears like Lassie,always listening when she was asleep,it was the anticipation of the crying/noise that kept me on edge and intruded into my brain,not the actual crying/noises.Try interacting with facial expressions and silly noises.My kids forst words were mama and nana(banana) and kur(the cat)try getting the babsy to imitate silly noises and experiment to see waht music baby prefers..Obviously its stressfull with babies and the reality is that until they start talking and walking babies are very unrewarding.Women are expected to deny any negative feelings about babies,where men can say 'kids!puhh' and thats ok .I've done the teething,the lack of sleep ect with em and i used to just hold her and rock her when she was crying and say to myself 'keep going one day she'll be grown up and I get my time back'.I did'nt realise that the time would fly by. if it gets too much get out of the house.despite many current attitudes of selfish singles who deny bioligy and choose 'career' amny people find it a beautifull thing and have great respect for childrearing because they've been there,

Thats a most clear and elegant,if all negative veiw on the suject.Its not just the AS though its your situation and its got lots of dimensions.having some clear support helps.i feel pretty much the same.I feel its an undeclared biological war,made worse by drug companies and by people expecting that there's a cure,or normalisation of behaviour. What keeps me going is the support and encouragement of freinds and the samll mercies and beauty that I find when i talk to people who listen and inderstand, Class and inherited wealth helps,then you can be treated as eccentric instead od suspect mentally ill/non specific lunacy. I read bits about it being a 'modern' deisease ,caused by the way we live and the onslaught of modern technologies.Foe me i think thats why (despite having loads of techy skills) I prefer farmwork and camping in woodland. Whatever the affliction/disability/illness remember there's only you who's got the biggest input to create your own happiness. Most people (as in 'normal'?) can't handle negative expressions,as there not that in touch what makes them tick as ones who are biologically hyperalert,It scares them because it reminds them who fragile there sense of 'sanity ' is. Thats a primal peice of expression Darkshine.I could'nt do it ,not without aggresion/swearing and making some other posters squirm. To me it feels like I'm just a brain on a stick,or trapped inside a body,fully aware but trying to co ordinate with the outside world using a playstaion control pad.

Thats why we are lucky to have each other on this site.

[/size]Lee scratch perry....divine madnesss...... Butthole Surfers ...Hairway to Steven

This a problem for others too?[/color] I find it hard to switch off asking why this why that. I think its caused through higher sensetivity to things and being unable to understand some simpler basic things that results in a feedback loop where i feel even more compelled to ask more questions.many people havr alwsay told me 'you think too much'.i split a big question down into a series of smaller questions to make the whole big question make sense.I do it with engines and wiring diagrams,the smaller questions get answerd then are added together like a puzzle/jigsaw one at a time until they all synchronise,like the cogs in a clock,its just I cant see the clockface,but that doesnt matter. I've found it brilliant with answering kids questions,i can never get bored and love youngsters inquisitivness as I can really relate to asking 'why'.i find many alledged 'grown ups' so bladdy boring alot of the time,more inclined not to ask why because their sense of 'reality' is fragile.Its much easier for adults to shut kids up or be dismissive ,especially when the kids are asking questions that the adults have never asked themselves. 'I think too much'

What job would you want if you were employed by someone else? What would you do if you employed yourself? Darkshine I'd like to be a music producer,not so much pop but music that expresses 'feeling'...resonance.But only have a basic laptop/studio and minimul equipment. Of left to myself i'd like to make pewter sculpchure.horses birds and animals.and write 'nice' songs,instead of satirising sexist rock n roll and politics.I've just got to find my fiath in things after motorbike accidant,its easier not worrying about money,and support/affection helps with gentile creative stuff.

I can't count the week ,have problems with numbers'reading letters with 'boxes' in them and can't read music.I flicnh at sertain high frequency sounds and while my brain has a surplus of visual and audio space running through it most of the day I find it really hard to relax so I can express my creativity.Internal visualisation of text gets in the way of concentrayting. Go to youtube/ERASMUS320 to see some scraps.......Parrys mountain vid is the nearest I can get to expressing my 'autism/asd/aspergers

Thats just it in a nutshell.PEOPLE GET SO STUCK ON THE LOW EXPECTATIONS.Yes a musician that does'nt understand time.How time works like counting it ,ticking it off,calenders rota's.I deal in chunks of time.I can work out the chords to songs by hands on playing them from memory,but i don't know what the chords are.i know how the patterns work but can't count them I rely totally on the sound of it,counting it is impossible.I 've played guitars and can produce and create various musical styles yet can't even understand written music or the names for the notes of the strings on a guitar.The ability to manifest the expressions in my head ,musically,mechanically,creativily is compulsive yet so hard fought for.Its very simple things I have problems with,things that people take for granted and do not even consider I would have a problem with because they think I'm 'clever' especially with mechanics and electrics and history and all my life that 'praise ' has been so empty and hollow because I always wanted to do the simple things that I don't understand.I do understand that most people are too simple and thats why I consider them shallow and dunces.many auty/asd/aspies have this strong desire to be 'normal' and wish they could switch off and shut down their minds.Being undiagnosed for years I intuitly embraced what I could do and worked on it,self taught because I could'nt remember what day of the week it was . EG (with time)went to funeral 6 weeks ago of brother in northern Scotland,relatives ask how long I'm staying.I reply after long pause,I look at my ticket and say '16',they look at me odd.16 was the day on my ticket,When ticket was booked (on day of travel)ticket office say what day are you returning?I say...long pause..and no idea what day as I never thought of that as it ivolves anticipating time in a fixed point in the futire!!two weeks i reply,cos that what people say.my answer was a mimic answer to appear normal.i did'nt understand when that was.On return journey I arrive at coach pick up three days early just in case I miss it.On getting on coach to come home,coach driver tells me I'm one day early but lets me on the coach.coach stops at Glasgow for 25 minutes,i get a tea and return to find coach gone due to getting lost after panic/anxiety attack caused by air brake noise in the bus station.When I work the job in hand becomes my 'calender'.it gets broken down into a left to right series of tasks each connected to the other, a timeline.i can visualise the seperate parts that have to follow each other ,thanks to teenage mechanics I learnt this early,a coping mechanism LOGIC.In the absense of key tools, i have to make my own. Sorry for calling you a blahh blahh blahh,jsut remember I'm not 'clever' or 'gifted',we are probably as cantankerous and great as each other baddad,just dont call me an asshole who's spent his life moaning,i've spent my life getting on with it,trapped in a bubble whre its hard to touch the simple things. back to th OP Industry is losing billions and wasting loads of creative origional energy,the situation is compounded by an education system called 'comphrehensive',which really means generic and cheap where no one will be treated as an individual with varying needs.MONEY,CLASS,POWER.There no room to encourage origional research or thought,unless it has a finacial outcome.I'm 48 and a newcomer to the world of writing.xkiss kiss u cantankerous old git.

The article expresses concerns on all types of disabilties including ASD. JsMumxxx Don't worry, once the accountants have re checked their figure's they will realise it would cost far more money to put them in care,its just many of the funding cuts are just a knee jerk reaction.If it's any comfort the Social Services are'nt very happy about it either and know its not been thought out.

its the same with me Hughey, I'm very skilled but only with what my hands touch,as i got older I found the 'written' stuff easier but still have to keep rereading things,You'll find your a really practical person,especially stuff like mechanics,building,and anything that brings you in physical contact.

The moon landings were based on pre war chemical,rocket and telemetry technology ,the internet comes from multiplexing old style signals technology,even fibre optics are an old idea,and the millions of transistors inside a computer processor are a variation and development of the the thermionic valve,as invented at the turn of the 20th century and our television and flat screens are old hat,as is the use of wireless routers and mobiles are just a variation on a theme invented by Marconi.many surgical 'inventions' are the result of anasthesia developments that allowed further experimentation,and of the life saving treatments I'd think synthetic insulin is a good un,the thermal radioactive batteries of pacemakers and artifical hearts are based on old ideas,antibiotics stem from the late 30's.The main difference is the DEVELOPMENT of old inventions . As other posters point out the OP .....I have employed (temp) many photographers and artists on a job by job basis,most of them seemed to me lazy and unimaginative and coventional.The best ones were a bit 'odd' as in their perceptions were new and certainly a different slant on things and their contribution to my commercial film ads and music vids gave them a real dynamic because they wer'nt 'standardised production'.working on motorcycle rebuilds /customs and restorations I found the same thing,unconventiality and origionality in ideas,problem solving and execution.If i had a software/engineering/motosport/advertising/media/space program company i'd (where possible)employ the geeks and freaks and the ones who spend a lot of time 'inside' their minds ,rather than the o level modern degree wonders who've been educated to regurgate other peoples ideas,instead of scared sociopathic mimics who 'tick' all the right boxes,I'll always go with the origional thinkers,because evolution demands it. With asd's/aspie/autisim there are clear traits connected with obssesion,practical hands on learning and the ability to internally visualise that create great minds.these great minds face a daunting struggle to be accepted as 'normal',and even if they make a commercial success then there's still the matter of vested interests.The history of Tesla and the sheer dullness of Edison are worthy of study.The lives of the physicists and mathematicians are another. Mr Dyson was just another crank until he made some money,the preffered form of excrement.Its all about creative visions and origional thought and people who suffer? from the (d)isability are a vast untapped resource who's contribution to the world of media/entertaimnet/technoogy is vastly unrecongised.The masses are ever more oblivious about fundamental technology except in the use of the net ,which is really just about language ,not how it works. In work ,as in life and love I'd side with the oddballs,weirdos and freaks anyday .The 'unaffected' are just too shallow,grasping,oppertunistic and ,dare I say stupid and unorigional. When Microsoft ,years ago decided to start making computer games it hired a load of artists for the graphic ideas and storylines.it suddenly realised it had a rebellion on its hands as nearly all these artists,scriptwriters refused to work for Microsoft unless they could do it on Mac's!Despite company policy,Microsoft had no choice.

A study of history and technology/science will reveal that most of the fundamental contributors have expressed clear autistic/aspie/asd traits.This is true of our cultural life.As the sciences and subjects have begun to be 'taught' our technological and cultural progress has slowed considerably.Without the obssesives there would be no computer code,electronic invention,new ways of understanding art.If we carry on having a generic society based on profit then we are doomed .One ability of aspies/asd is the ability to be multi skilled and to understand the crossovers of different subjects.Art for instance 'teaches' students about dali ,van Gogh ,Duchamp and hundreds of other oddballs and incorperates it into 'art theory' and art history.In fact these artists were beyond the pale when they were alive and considered non emtities and trouble makers.Its the same with technology.There have been no fundamental inventions for over 50 years and computers ,cars and nearly everything else is just a variation on an OLD invention.Look at the 'traits' and read your history ,I beleive as a civilisation we are heading for banality and extintion,languauge is abused constantly ,Its considerd an auty 'fault' that we take words literally .Geeks and other social misfits are tolerated by 'normal' society as long as they keep being dynamic and pulling cultural and technological rabbits out of hats,when they can't they are considerd menatlly suspect an 'anti social'.The real mental cases are the ones who drive 4 x 4's and waffle o about green technologies and holistic medicine while looking the other way while their goverments kill johny foreigners to steal their oil and mineral wealth while having very little understanding of the technical and mechanical,unable to comprehend that their I pads and touch screen mobiles are only possible through the slaughter of the people of Congo and elsewhere.Specialism is for insects. From the days of frankenstien to the present day there has always bben a cultural expression of the fear of humans becoming creatures of science,like cyborgs.While many are scanning the skies for UFO's for an alien invasion the reality is in front of us, we have become slaves to our own machines,this is the real world of robots,we are the robots,non thinking simple creatures manipulated by simple logic.

The hard won understandings of asd/aspies/autisim have not yet filterd into mainstream health/disability policy.focused on looking at the negatives of the topic I beleive that wider society is completly ignorant of the cultural and creative holocaust thats happening as it abuses words like 'care and provision'.Another one bites the dust.If I had'nt been brought up with love as a child and then had my children to care for later on in life I would have joined him long ago, Its so terrible that this young person felt that down and unsupported that he killed himself.

Thats why we need action, tears and sympathy are limited.We can't expect to wait for the underfunded services to intervene.Thats why 'support groups' should be expanded.Its terrible and a daily hell for thousands.

Obviously moving will be a big stressor so helping veiw the new surroundings in a positive way will mean a few months of extra energy for your family.I think its important to keep him focussed socially and help him get the positives of being in a group of new freinds and not let him slip/retreat into seclusion.Anger issues are for everyone,being able and feeling secure to express negative feelings within the family should be encouraged.Everyones different but just keep on the positives and encourage your family's awareness of percepual issues with aspie/asd whatever and it should be a very enriching time for all your family.Just try to keep your feet on the ground and differentiate between (d)isability issues and normal teenagerdom/moving home/new enviroment issues and resist the temptaion to be too forgiving.It sounds really good that he can be with his siblings,in the same house there's no such thing as half siblings. You may be able to get disability help and money/support from the colledge and if your las needs medical support it may be worth seeing the gp early before he moves so they can find a little time to read any notes.he may be able to get some supervision sessions through the colledge disability service.The biggest most positive factor will be getting him to feel part of the family.Good luck and welcome to the forum,its the best place to be.

Welcome to the site Callum.x

It s all communication tools I suppose.Theirs the voice in my head taht echoes,e.g At the shop the otherday the checkout operator said 'get that box' to another worker while I stood in line waiting to buy my porridge.A few minutes later i paid and went home.In those few minutes of queing up after he said 'get that box' the words just floated in my head and I then drifted off thinking about boxes,and wether the word get was areal word and felt uneasy because I coul'nt decide wether 'get' was a proper word.All the time i was internally anylaising it it kept repeating itself ,audio and written script (visually) left to right in my head.I'm so used to this happening most of the time,a sort of echoe.I notice that peoples mannerisms/sayings also echoe and repeat in my head audiolly and visually and i think they repeat because my mind is automatically/compulsivly busy trying to understand/make sense of what they mean.Most of the time the echo quickly goes away as I get distracted by another thought/noise/visual imput.Its a sort of compulsive analyzing of imformation on the world around me using the voice in my head to ask and reason.that voice in my head also 'speaks' angrily,as well as soft and lovingly.When it's 'evil' its ok by me as I know its just part of me thats expressing itself,insecurity,powerlesness,feeling isolated when i really do want to join in and share, I'm so used to this mental 'chatter' that I've learn to get on with things over the years like family work etc...and accept it.its only when I force myself to relax or stay away from noise/people that this voice(me) helps me be extremly creative and happy and content.I'm sure most people have an 'inner dialogue' but i think that most of the anxiety comes from being unable to turn off outside speech from television,people speaking,sirens ,aeroplanes.I've even stopped listening to music with lyrics because my 'mind' starts storing the phrases and they then spill out later when I talk.The bit that Darkshine said about being a blank canvas is spot on in my life.i do music and film,in order to create my music/film i need to exclude all the garbage and external visual and audio stuff thats got in my 'mind.Using the saying 'blank canvas',i think it really helps me to be a blank canvas,but on my own,otherwise I just end up producing music and film styles that are 'normal',which to me means outdated overused artistic metaphors and significators,but in acutual fact its precisly these 'normal' things which would make me a financial/artistic success. Telepathy does exist ,it's just society focusses on externalities and language.Thats why I mostly prefer the company of animals.

But when away from the work environment its like a switch being flicked and suddenly i become robotic in conversation with close family and almost mute where communication seems almost pointless. A worry i have is that I've never been more calmer and happier when not communicating and really enjoy not speaking or having much to do with the human race.As a late dx job I've discoverd this non verbal person who beleives that most communication is absurd ,trivial and really pointless.philipo x