darkshine

I can understand your lingering dislike about women considering your experiences and the post at the end where you said: This would be a step forward as school experiences are not indicative of the rest of your life - or they don't have to be (thankfully) I think that if you continue having female friends and interacting with women who don't bring the old feelings rushing back, you will eventually get to a point where your issues become less of a problem. I think both sexes have their flaws, and as philipo suggested, there are a fair few similarities too but by being honest with yourself that you have this issue, you've got more chance of reducing it (there's still enough women out there who might reinforce it so avoid avoid avoid)

the word 'get' is not a proper word, along with about a million others - I'm still hung up over the word 'soon' - people keep saying it lately and it keeps floating back into my head at the weirdest times - it even looks stupid!!! This is all just assertion and opinion of course But to me: language is just a series of sounds that signify things. Like the use of "it". It's raining, it's warm, it's dark... Doesn't really mean a thing, but everyone knows what you mean - if you see what I mean I hate it when a new term gets stuck in my head - there was a word used on here and I keep calling my housemates it and then having to apologise when they get peed off after a few days of it - but I just want to say it to everything that they do that is dumb, wrong, annoying, or for no reason whatsoever (I don't say it in an aggressive way - and they laugh half the time too which makes me say it more) there's a few other's I've made up from other words that I rotate - I don't even mean it 98% of the time but just can't stop saying them!!

I REALLY wish I could do that!!!! Well, I can in other ways but not like that - how useful would that be though?!?!?

I have almost zero sense of achievement so I don't even get that little bonus (which may or may not be related to low self-esteem its what I was thinkin jus glad you said it I think the thing that does get better is certain coping mechanisms, acting, and stuff like that, cuz I have improved in certain respects - I don't hide behind people's sofas anymore when visiting people (for example) so there is some degree of "better" but most of it seems to be from the view of other people. I actually felt better when hiding behind the sofa, but other people think it is better that I sit normally and try to listen and talk...

Thanks Just wanted to check cuz although I cannot be positive like you, I am definitely trying to be less negative.

I'm nearly ALWAYS catatonic with fear in social situations, but I have learnt to bury it sometimes - its a very hit and miss thing, but there are times when I come across as normal from other people's views (which means that sometimes I obviously succeed at pretending and hiding) the unfortunate part is that I can't just turn this on and off when I want. sometimes I'd term it collapsing, shutting down, paralysis of a sort... But in answer to your specific question then for me this would comprise of a few things. I go to my room, I shut the door, I have no resources left for any interaction with people, I often go to sleep because of complete mental, physical and emotional exhaustion (and sleep is the quick fix). If I don't sleep I might play certain music really loud, or sit and do something mundane like looking at a book or something that does not require thinking or reactions. Sometimes I just lay in a ball on the floor, it feels grounding and reliable sometimes... And sometimes I just sit cross-legged on my bed staring into space for a couple of hours

Are you asking all of us that? Or one of us specifically? I'm doing this at myself but I thought I might as well ask

I find this very tiring but am slowly accepting 2 things: 1. it might always be this way 2. I might be able to practice more and reduce the exhaustion (but if not refer to point 1.)

I wish that telepathy worked with people - it would save SO MUCH TIME!!!!! I like that you are comfortable with the 'dark side' although what exactly the 'dark side' is would be questionable as you pointed out

I didn't mean that I think I am evil, I meant one of the narrative in my head. the "evil" voice in my head CAME from other people - it was all things I heard said and then my mind stuck it on remix and auto repeat Off the topic of evil however... I find this with normal things too, the ways people talk, the things they say, the facial expressions they pull, the manner in which they talk etc. Basically I am a blank canvas in some ways and get influenced by others and consciously/unconsciously find myself doing the things other's do.

Less than that for me.... I don't think I ever attend social circumstance without having to recharge afterwards...

Yes!!! It's really annoying cuz sometimes I look like a genius and other times like a fool I think no, cuz everyone thinks and learns in different ways

In answer to this question I'd just refer to the dictionary definition of the word, since this is what the narrative did/does... dictionary definition of "evil" 1. The quality of being morally bad or wrong; wickedness. 2. That which causes harm, misfortune, or destruction. 3. An evil force, power, or personification. 4. Something that is a cause or source of suffering, injury, or destruction. I think it is at this point that it becomes evil - when it does all the things listed above? Best Darkshine

Quite a few people have mentioned this in the last week and I wanted to share my thoughts on it cuz its suddenly seems a lot more common than I thought!!!! This commentary for me was first noticeable when I was about 14 or 15 as it turned into an evil abuse at me instead of the usual somewhat neutral one of before. So my documentary style narrative tore pieces out of everything I said and did. I wasn't aware that everyone didn't have this (the narrative not necessarily the abuse) until I started asking people - which wasn't until I was nearly 20!!! The people I asked made out that I was schizophrenic - even though I am not and was not - and so I don't really mention it much any more. I don't mind the narrative in some ways, but in a post I made about behaviour and acting, it is this narrative that makes me feel wrong about it, and for me the narratives in my head have been very destructive over the years. I block it out with medication now, so a lot of the time its not there so much and I miss it, it feels very quiet and lonely in my head, but I DON'T miss the abuse. A question I get asked A LOT is "what are you thinking?" and ignoring the many other reasons that make me find this question hard (like not knowing what they mean, or when, or what they want to hear etc) the main reason I cannot answer is because my narrator is not here most of the time. Does any of this make sense? And is it more normal than I thought? And what is it like when the "voice" isn't evil? The reason I ask is cuz I've been made to feel like I'm wrong/insane because of this, and I don't know how to deal with it if it is abusive (if I stop the meds and it comes back) Best Darkshine

Hello HM, and thank you for not being insulted by my question. I don't know if it is right to tell people things or not and I definitely would not advise living in shame of things like I do!!!! If you enjoy it and are proud of that or don't care what people think then thats a healthy attitude I think, if something isn't causing anyone any harm then why should it matter? (it does to me, but in theory I think that what I said could be true) The thing you said about role-play and people growing out of it? Well my experience of life is that people often grow out of everything I like, but then, sometimes I come across people who say they life something and it always surprises me that I'm not the only one!!!! I do stop mentioning things to people because of what they think cuz I can feel the scorn and contempt of their thoughts even when they don't say anything... I'm over-sensitive a lot of the time!!! And I worry about the "normal" things as much as the "abnormal" (for want of a better word - cuz it seems like abnormal may be more normal than normal sometimes My dad did something like this when I was about 7 and he convinced me to burn a lot of my favourite toys BUT he didn't stop when I changed my mind and he burnt my best friend (a cuddly toy)!!!!!

Hello, Do you find that hard to admit to? even on here? Sorry if that's blunt, its just that I was talking about this kind of thing a little while ago (behaviours that are not viewed as "normal" by some people) and your hello, just reminded me of it I like many strange things - except they are only strange according to other people - which then makes me feel self-conscious... which is why I asked my blunt question - cuz there's A LOT of things I don't do because of the social gaze and judgements of others I don't play with hot wheels - I like little VW camper vans and VW beetles - but mine just sit in a box in the loft bored all day and don't get to have any adventures at all!!! Your right, sometimes it does (doesn't always for me) but for a lot of people it seems to be a comfort. Hope you feel welcome here Best Darkshine

I can think of a few of the old NT's that don't like this either!!! Can you put all your really private things in one safe place and therefore reduced the worry on that aspect of your issue? I know I would if it really bothered me - actually, I have done it when someone stayed over that I didn't trust a few years ago

This is a little.... weird.... Music

I've been let off but only for the pilot... Still - I see a chance to try and get a grip (and more importantly stop being childish) - I have listened to it a few more times and it still annoys the life out of me so I am going to try and ignore myself as much as possible. Maybe I should speed the tape up so we all sound like chipmunks, or I could slow it down so we are in slow-mo instead (possibly easier to type when slow) Anyone else had this problem and how did you deal with it?

I have just been informed that most people would say it is winter and he is building a snow man. Here's what I thought before they said that to me - it could be spring, autumn, or winter cuz it gets cold, rainy and snowy in all 3. He could be digging the garden, piling up leaves, shovelling snow, moving earth, sand etc, but essentially I just don't know. This should be a relatively simple scenario I guess, and illustrates your point about how social ones may be more problematic. For me I just try to learn them all - there are a lot to learn though and this is probably not the best strategy I'm interested to see what responses you get cuz I still struggle with this... Oh, my other strategy is guess (I get it right as much as I get it wrong)

I think that's a good idea too As sesley says, your parents will have thought the decision through, so if you don't understand this part I still think asking them to explain why they chose this school would help you understand them a little more. I think most parents would like to be able to understand their children, and if they were getting something wrong they would like to know. The reason I keep saying that knowing their reasons will help, is because it gives you a chance to tell them what you think of that, and it gives them a chance to review the situation. Because this is happening to you, you might not always see why this is the case, and even if you don't like their answers, you might be able to understand them, which will help them to understand you too. Good luck Andrew Ps - maybe a test run of your letter might help? There are a lot of parents on this forum and it might give you insight on how parents view what your are saying, and practice at justifying and explaining yourself when they ask questions... That way you'll have a better idea of how to express yourself to your own parents, when the time comes. Best Darkshine

I think my thoughts on this are developing a little, I know that I cannot act all of the time, I can't even act for very long as it is so exhausting I just close down and fall asleep, but I can see that all people have to do this to a degree in some part of life or other. Maybe my feelings of resentment towards it are normal? The thing that is also difficult is that it really feels like lying, and I am not comfortable with this either. I'm not going to use my dx as an excuse. Maybe eventually I can figure a way round this that feels less tiring and less like lying? I wasn't sure whether other people have any ideas on things that would help me do this? I believe that the tiring part will ease with practice maybe? But the lying and falseness of it all - well, I can't think a way round that at all. Thank you everyone for your comments so far Best Darkshine

Study update I did my pilot interview of 15 minutes last night. (Sunday) I roped in someone to do this pilot interview with me. So I could practice the whole scenario and see what it is I have to do. I live with this person and the eye contact is really really problematic, as soon as I set up the interview situation with the chairs facing each other, well, it felt weird before we even sat down!!!! He was very helpful and he used to do interviews so we had a rare good conversation about it and the whole process afterwards and this has helped me to think about it more, but he knows about this stuff, about me, and about what I’m doing with the OU, and he knows what this requires, the real ones won’t be so lenient… If anyone’s thinking that a problem is going to crop up next in the next bit – you are right! Eye contact - I can’t do it for more than 5 seconds. Thankfully I can hold a notepad with the questions on it and to make notes, but there is no avoiding that this is going to impact the data (the eye contact not the notebook)… I have now accepted this and will try to minimize it but I don’t think I’m going to suddenly learn how to make it all feel fine in the next week to ten days, so I will have to get round it as best I can. Here’s the biggie: Because of an incident at school when I was 8, I have vigorously avoided EVER speaking on tape until this month and tonight’s the first time I have listened to myself talk on tape to another person EVER. (I did secretly listen to myself once about 5 years ago when the OU supplied me with the tape thingy but I only listened for 3 seconds and then deleted while vowing to never do it again, and I was whispering so it wasn’t the same) I sound like an idiot. This is a very very uncomfortable part of this project. I sound so much worse than stupid – not just in the sense that everyone says they sound stupid cuz their voice sounds odd because it’s on the tape and not right next to their ears – but for the reason that made me avoid being recorded when I was 8 (I just forgot the reason over the years… now I remember WHY I don’t want to ever hear myself in conversation ever again on tape) This is why I hate it. I sound stupid because I can’t even understand myself half the time. Which is really bad, when you don’t even know what you are saying and its you!!! Where I believe my voice does what everyone else’s does in conversation – when I actually hear myself it doesn’t!!! My voice is flat, dull and monotonous half the time, and then when I try to add (inflection? Is that the word?) well, it’s in all the wrong places, its slightly off all the time!!! I’m high when I should be low, I’m excited sounding when I’m intending to be serious! It’s all over the place!!! I might as well hang my tongue out and just say nyah cuz it would probably sound better. I know this is childish but I don’t know how else to get across the torture this is, and I’ve only listened to 5 minutes out of 15!!!!!!! And not only have I got to transcribe this pilot – which means I’ll have to listen to it about 50 times BUT I also have to do it twice more for the real interviews and these will be twice as long!!!!!!! I really need to forget this as soon as possible but it’s taken me over 5 minutes to write up 56 seconds of interview and the first 16 seconds of that are me checking to see if the tape-thingy was recording. So IT IS GOING TO TAKE FOREVER!!!!! Yeah I have to rewind it cuz he talks fast, and I can’t type as fast as he talks, but I can understand him!!! How weird is it to not understand yourself?!?!? And now I have this mocking voice in my head repeating the bits where I sound like I’ve had half of my brain removed. This is a total nightmare… I am really wishing I had not listened to this last night or ever!

I don't know how easy it is for you to discuss with the people in your life, but it could be an idea to think of a way to broach this with them, if they aren't already aware of your feelings then they should know how you feel Andrew. If talking isn't easy try writing it all down. I found it impossible to talk to my parents at your age, but I now know (later in life) that they wish they had known what I was thinking and feeling...

I've seen them blown up ball things they look fun - there is a place that does it near me - and I went one day with a family-friend and their children (age 6 and 2) and I have to say that most of the kids there were playing up and being little nightmares while they waited!!! So good on your lad for waiting nicely! Cuz the kids I saw that day - well, I'm not a parent, but the way some of them were behaving, they would have been told by me to wait nicely or they wouldn't get a go! Its nice to see this page of positives - some of us need to see it!!! I hope more people post here