darkshine

What is she actually doing? How do you know she needs the loo? What do you do with her? If you let her out into the garden what does she do and how does she act - and if you put a lead on her and walked her what does she do then? And when you are convinced she needs to go, then when do you try letting her out again if the previous attempt failed?

I've been reclusive, its hard to experience and learn a lot of things that way, maybe part of the madness can be a good thing, but I think such things need to be channelled or they can lead to destructive places - that's my experience at least. Oddly enough, the first link you put up is one I am fairly familiar with although my knowledge of geometry in general is very undeveloped, I like the concepts, but sometimes in the living of life it is difficult to maintain a level of self awareness to see that things are progressing and that things are changing. I think the interesting aspect here is the difference between the two, the linear spirals progression seems quite orderly and consistent, whereas the nautilus gets bigger and broader very quickly. Personally the nautilus example appeals more to me, because each time you want to move to the next stage you have more and more to do, and it pushes outwards a lot quicker and seems less uniform, when you pass the point where you pass an inner line its further away, it suggests moving on and each time as you don't pass so close to the previous stages as with the linear spiral. It also gives me an element of patience as I realise that the first steps were easy compared to what needs to be done to proceed - its daunting - but it feels accurate when viewing such things against a human life and gaining experience. With the linear spiral you could keep passing the same point and it would be easy to be unsure as to whether things actually have changed because of following the same lines over and over - that would be a good explanation of the last 30 years of my life, but I reckon for the next 30 the golden mean stuff is a better example as you really have to work and put a hell of a lot in to get to the next stage - I think for some developments in life that is true, sometimes it does take a lot more to move on, sometimes the boundaries have to be pushed right out, and if that happened we would move noticeably further away from the lines we pass from our pasts and as we gain in experience.

I knew it

The benefits of smoking I use that as an excuse on the rare occasions I go somewhere and need a few minutes to try and collect myself, I'm trying to cut down, but there's something in the act of rolling a ciggie and diving out of a situation sometimes. Thanks for the link, my internet connection is moderately low at the best of times, but I reckon it'll open in the next couple of minutes. I like to keep an open mind about things, this is very difficult with depression sometimes, but within my personality is the desire to remain open to things and the things we have been talking about the last couple of days have really interested me and unlocked part of myself that I had locked away, I need to not forget that again because I think life can be better when we are ourselves. What do you think about stone circles? I've always fancied visiting some - as part of my reclusive lifestyle for the last decade I haven't really gone anywhere, but these types of monuments have always held an appeal.

My mood changes rapidly amongst people, even using the internet I get that albeit to a lesser degree, I had to fight against a diagnosis of rapid cycling bipolar a number of years back - I didn't want the label - and the mental health services backed down. But that label does offer them (the mental heath docs) a plausible reason for such things, I look at the criteria and I can see how I fit into that, but if I sit in a room on my own my mood does not cycle or peak and dip anywhere near as extremely as when it does when I am amongst people. I feel a lot of feelings that do not have words, I've even been looking at words to define emotions but there aren't words for some of the things I feel, if someone were to ask me at those times to describe what I am feeling I wouldn't be able to say (I've had this happen with friends and psychologists or psychiatrists) and I am left with no words for them, I want to gesture and stuff because there's no words and maybe the gestures I want to make describe things, but those people don't understand what gestures of explanation mean (so I stopped doing it). And I could not work out how they couldn't feel what I was feeling, for the feeling was in the room and I was overwhelmed but they did not notice a thing - I hoped that there was a telepathic way of passing the information from me to another, but that doesn't work either because a lot of people are closed. Sometimes I wish I could make it go away, or as you put it "defend" myself against that stuff, but I'm not really sure if I want to as its one of the ways that I understand people from the stuff they give off - but at the same time I feel that choice is a valuable thing in life and I would like to choose sometimes whether I want to openly receive this stuff in the world or not. If the modern day witches explained what you were feeling is psychic energy, how did you defend against it - or what publications did they recommend? Empathy is something I can turn off and on sometimes - but other times I have no choice and I get overloaded by how I feel for other people's troubles, I seem to be tuned into to pain and bad stuff, negativity and such more than anything else. I feel people's pain when they talk about things or tell me things, I feel it if they are in the room with me or not, and it hurts me deep inside as though I feel the same things they do. People seem to like that I understand, but they don't always realise how much it hurts me, not physically, it hurts in my mind and my heart and my soul. It can be like being crushed to death or buried in another's pain and grief and torment...

That's one of the medications I stopped taking, I noticed very few side effects from it, although to begin with I did get an almost constant urge to chew on something, after a few weeks that feeling abated. The other med I stopped was tegretol. I used to be on venlafaxine and tegretol (carbamazepine) before I changed the venlafaxine to mirtazepine - the withdrawals from the venlafaxine were terrible, I literally spent the best part of 4 months wanting to die last winter (from October to January) really messy few months. But I'm glad I did it because mirtazepine seemed so much less harmful, if it hadn't been for a week of sickness I would have probably took it for a while longer, but I felt that after that week of being able to ingest nothing, including meds I figured it was my opportunity to give life a go med free. Of course the continued sickness could have been withdrawals, but then I was still taking the tegretol and I know that that used to make me feel sick if I stopped taking it, so I cannot really comment given that this other drug was present in my system too, but I do know that when I forgot to take the mirtazepine I did not notice any ill effects. I think medications are not always suited to people on the spectrum and we have to find what works for us.

That's a lame excuse I'd look at it like this - if you are the top poster one day and its cuz you put up something interesting, or something that made people laugh, or something intelligent, or something helpful - or whatever word you wanna pick then its alright innit? Cuz int that the whole point? To interact and discuss stuff, some people wanna rant, some want help or advice, some want conversation or fun or just to know someone is listening and stuff - lots of things - I'm not great on examples this morning as I'm shattered... I think the other point is that if you got something out of it too then its ok if you posted the most posts one day.

Ok

I gave up looking for decent TV programmes, I pretty much dislike most of what is shown - and the rest I have no opinion on and now largely rely on other people recommending things to watch, usually documentaries... occasionally I see something advertised, but not often as I mute all adverts - so as part of my giving up I have selected the total rot that I enjoy and I stick religiously and obsessively to that - unless someone suggests something that sounds interesting in which case I might take a look.

The last time I looked was when I was testing all the forum buttons worked when it was glitchy - although I did accidentally press that link instead of the mod team link one day, but I wasn't particularly interested. I'm assuming you are or were the top poster then? I'm not sure why its even there.... does anybody really get interested in that stuff? Is it like a league table where if you clock enough up posts you get rewarded with being top of the charts and then if you do really well you get a nice new mountain under your name? Or could it be a bad thing to be top in which case do we get given a penalty ban for a while as punishment for talking too much?

Have you ever tried to make recordings? Or photographs? I haven't ever seen an aura around someone but I feel things from people, like energy, although I have used the words 'emotional tuning fork/sponge' about myself in the past... I pass people in the street or a corridor or am in the same room and some people give off something, it could be anything, most people give off very little, only their latest mood or emotion. But some people have more, sometimes I'll pass someone in the street and feel something is 'off' about them, something wrong or bad or evil, and other people can feel positive or vibrant, some can feel intensely strong in some way hard to define, and I feel people's moods too, they press down upon me. It feels weird, like a premonition sometimes, but other times like another sense, depending on the person I shiver or feel a tingling in my arms and hands and through my fingers, sometimes I shudder and go suddenly cold with dread, sometimes I feel a feeling of comfort or ease - it passes as soon as they person is far away enough, but sometimes leaves an echo of a lasting effect.

I used to experiment with aromatherapy, its yet another thing that I just tossed away during a depressive episode. I stopped taking anti-depressants a few months ago, as much as they kept me from my own versions of cliffs they also kept me within a narrow band of mood, so as much as I didn't experience the scary lows, I didn't feel the opposite either, I'd have occasions moments of something like pleasure and then it would be gone leaving me within a limbo of nothingness. Not that it is plain sailing without the damn things, there are some days where I look at how I am and wonder for a brief moment if I should take them again - but I just cannot bring myself to seriously allow that as an option for I know they were no good for me. You may right about the process of preparing natural remedies, the mindset involved in sourcing and preparation could be a key part of the benefit.

Mine doesn't like going when the ground is frosty, its mildly amusing watching him lift each foot up as high as he can while he walks across the grass, but judging by the look on his face he doesn't think its amusing. He also will only eat under specific circumstances and never at any other time. Guess you could cover your garden But it rains in summer too doesn't it? I like rain in summer, in autumn it can be quite annoying getting soaked every day, especially when its so cold getting wet, so that I'm running out of clothes because they just won't dry quick enough, and it doesn't help that I'm trying to only put the heating on when absolutely necessary which at present is for a maximum of an hour and not every day either, but it gives me a headache so I have to have the window open in the room I sit in or I feel terrible, which surely wastes heat and money... It's probably better sitting outside because part of being inside is that you notice a draft and feel cold even though it might not be that cold - I went into a shop to buy milk and the woman behind the till shivered and spoke to her colleague and they agreed to turn the thermostat up in the shop, I was thinking but its so warm in here - I figure its the same principle, that you acclimatise and so notice subtle changes.

I can see why I totally messed up as a teenager, I must have set fire to the polish half a dozen times before I got the knack of not setting it alight, I made a wonderful mess trying to figure it out (not very successfully but reasonably enough - well I thought so at the time) I think I prefer the sound of the cadet shine approach. Thank you for the details of stretching leather, I will try it out, its the sort of task that I need to be in the right mindset for but now I know what to do (in principal) I can have an attempt. I used to carry a pocket watch, I never fully enjoyed it because it worked from a battery and I felt that a winding mechanism would be more appropriate. That was part of my ruffian phase of ripped boots, black jeans and shirts (denim or checked, mainly), so I couldn't use the chain and fob in the correct way so I would place the fob in my rear pocket of my jeans and the watch in the front pocket (it had a long snake link type chain) I thought that was a good look at the time, I am not so certain now upon looking back though. I think there's something in what you say, part of my obsolete look is because I don't want to be noticed, but I sacrifice part of myself by appearing as something other than myself. Its a shame that it is so easy to stop doing something that you enjoyed, or to forget that such things gave you pleasure, I find that I've forgotten a lot, mainly due to the fact that I am remembering more and more of late. I have lived a lie for half my life under other people's expectations and it crushed me and I lost myself, and what wasn't crushed or lost I buried, I stamped it all out because I didn't feel I should be in this world or was worthy of a place in it. I honestly have deviated from myself so far that it isn't a surprise that I lost my way. I believe that depression does serve a purpose, it does make us stop and work things out, I wish it hadn't taken half of my life to begin to see that there could be a way out of this. Yes. I do know there is light in the darkness and some of the old magic is unearthing itself, and I find that I am more afraid of this light than I am of the dark, I've spent so long in it and know it so well, all of my adult life has been this way, living in darkness and losing myself, burying the light but it wouldn't go out, no matter how close I came to extinguishing it, I couldn't put it out. I've felt and been so split, into so many pieces, so many me's, that it has been hard trying to discover who is the right one, I'm still not sure, I split myself into so many pieces fractured myself before I was even 20 that it is not only confusing that I do not know this me that is emerging, but it is also frightening seeing some of the pieces come together and seeing that they could well be part of one me and not several. I sort of feel like a die has been cast and set something into motion, I'm trying to find what I need within myself to move in a direction and see where it leads, I think I sometimes go round in so many circles that it isn't a surprise I can't see where I am.

Have you tried following her with a golf umbrella to keep the rain off?

That's why I like black, you see things in it, they don't have to be solid or touchable, you can see ideas, shadows of other worlds, memories and stories all waiting there in the darkness like textures that all have their own feel. I think sometimes something is created that lasts when people truly connect with the processes they undertake, it makes sense that that something comes alive when the process is repeated with the essences of the same values, more so when there's ancient elements and skills involved, some things like that seem have a purity about them. I feel that some places can feel laden with the weight of the past like a burden carried, others can have a feeling of freedom and light, some places can feel very strange and others very familiar yet we only just found them, I think that the unexplainable still happens for a reason.

See, its conversations like this that just keep me hooked into this forum and make life worthwhile "Does you dog ###### in the rain?" Yeah, if he needs to have a cr4p he goes out and gets wet, he does it in a trudging slow way and gets wetter as a result Sorry I'm not really sorry its too funny and too good a chance to be annoying.... made me laugh anyway, so ta for that

I'm noting the name of the paint for future reference - how did you stretch one of them? I keep meaning to do that with a pair of boots I have but haven't been sure how to go about it. When I was about 14 or 15 I used to have a real thing for Doctor Martins, I didn't have a clue what I was doing but I heard that you could melt the polish and it would work better, I spent hours messing with various processes, melting polish on a teaspoon and then pouring it onto the leather - it worked quite well but the effect was quite matt - it did used to shine up but took an eternity I later added a top layer of dubbin and that seemed to be less time consuming, in all I must have spent many hours with brushes and rags but I was committed to the process and they had to shine. A couple of years later I sort of lost the plot with mental health and depression, AS played a part too (although I was unaware of that at the time) and my boots were getting very scuffed so I decided to add rips in the leather (completely impractical for wet days) but I wanted them to look different, and for some reason it felt symbolic of how I felt at the time. Alas I have almost no skill whatsoever when it comes to working with fabric or cloth for clothing, I have tried many times and this is definitely a weak area for me, although I only ever tried with a needle and thread.... however, I did have some ability with leather but I'm not sure that fixing a pals boots or sewing up a split in a leather sofa counts. I preferred my own take on the goth scene, some of the clothes in the goth shop were ok, but finding quality was difficult and you are absolutely right, most of it was poorly made and cost a lot but there did used to be the odd rare find for a reasonable price - it was easier to cut and add things to the clothes I could find. To be honest, I have sold out, the couple of goth years were brilliant, I've never been one to follow trends in fashion and people used to comment on my eclectic tastes especially the phase I went through that linked into the goth years where I experimented with various fabrics such as hemp and velvet - but I have sold out I'm afraid, the years of depression and struggles with identity have led me to a dull place of jeans and t-shirts with the sleeves cut off (I find I have a massive urge to keep my arms bare possibly due to the years of hiding them when self-harming). But I find more and more that I'm wanting to explore with things like attire again, most of what I own now is generic and works well for me to fade into the background - not that I wear most of what I own, I rotate between 3 pairs of almost identical jeans and a few mutilated t-shirts.... I used to like the velvet.... and I used to like experimenting... I quite liked the Haggard music video you put up a short while ago - oddly enough, through my goth time I was listening to music that didn't entirely tie in to it... although that's not unusual for me. I'm listening to some of the music by the artists you mentioned, its reminding me of things I have forgotten about myself - which could be a good thing since I have quite successfully buried a lot of myself over the last decade, it is interesting to me to rediscover some things that I never fully explored at the time. I've yearned for death for so many years, I find it strange to see my feelings edge the other way towards life, but I find myself standing with one foot either side of a gap at the moment, it is very disconcerting and I find that I fear the hope that is seeping into my world, yet part of me is waking up and it is sort of exciting and scary all at once.

Just wanted to add that I've found echinacea to be useful in the past especially for those times when you feel a cold coming on - but also during a cold - as Sa Skimrande says, there could have placebo elements but I personally don't believe that to be so as I do not have any belief in anything that can be taken for things like colds or depression (for example) - but I feel this approach gives me better indications as to whether a thing works or not, I have used this approach with any type of medication whether herbal or otherwise and it seems to serve me well. The reason I say it has been useful in the past is that I am currently going through a phase whereby I avoid taking anything due to years on anti-depressants I am tired of tablets for now and am having a break (the one exception being painkillers should other methods of pain relief fail) and I suspect if I had a bad enough cold and couldn't breathe I would use olbas oil, and if I had a sore throat I would probably buy strepsils so my rules aren't fixed. By the way... interesting conspiracy theory Sa Skimrande - one never knows and there's a lot of money in such industries.

I might have to look into The Crow, it sounds like it might be suited to my preferences. I wore Gothic clothes for a couple of years, but couldn't afford the proper gear so I had to improvise a lot, I still own the New Rocks (black and dark silver devil ones) they were a gift when my dad had a windfall and my most prized possession at the time, I don't wear black very much any more and because a lot of my gear at the time was limited I thoroughly wore it all out, but I cannot bear to part from those boots and they are still in good nick, I fear I am a lot more unfit than when I last wore them as I tried them on a few weeks ago and they feel heavy when they never used to. I like black, it appeals to me on so many levels, I never was very good at putting on make-up although I got away with looking deathly as I am quite pale, I know that the Gothic appeal hasn't left me, although some industrial elements have filtered into my taste since then, I still have the black nail varnish though, me and a pal at the time used to scratch some off sometimes for a less than perfect look. I'm beginning to write a list of things I would like to do and I think I'd like to give fancy dress a try, I too would rather create something than buy or rent a costume, I like opportunities to be creative in new ways, thank you for sharing your experiences Sa Skimrande.

When I was about 15 I was taking the mickey out of my nan who had told me about this train going through her bedroom, that night as I was laying in bed the sound of a train started filling my room and the whole thing rattled, I didn't see anything as I buried my head under the covers, wishing very hard that I hadn't laughed at my nan. A year later I was using her loo, it was a council house and beside the main bathroom was an older lavatory, the type with the high tank and chain and as I left the main bathroom the toilet flushed in the other one - the door was open - nobody was in it. Where I live now, there used to be footsteps in the loft, I'd lay in bed at night and could hear someone walking up there, it didn't really bother me as I had no sense of anything evil or angry, just the sound. Then some time last year I was getting into the bath, I had undressed and walked over to the sink, it has a mirror above it, as I did so, someone threw cold water at the middle of my back, I checked the ceiling because it seemed a logical conclusion that possibly water could have fallen - the ceiling was dry, the water in the bath was hot. I saw no movement in the mirror. When I go places I sometimes get senses of things, like there's a presence, I've felt good ones, bad ones, and indifferent ones that just feel of something but have no positive or negative energy, The older I get, the less it happens, I don't see things but people in my family have. Aren't there lines in the ground that are something to do with energies? I'm sure I heard that... are they ley lines (I don't know if that is the right word, but what you said about the house you describe jogged my memory of a program I saw once where these people were arguing about access to a piece of land and that argument was related to these lines. I haven't heard of that - only with people sitting in the same room... intriguing though because the world is full of energy, I like to try and keep an open mind.

Would the dinosaurs be part of that scenario?

Hi

The forum filter on swear words can be somewhat annoying at times, particularly when certain words are hardly what most would consider to be offensive. I am unfamiliar with "The Crow" yet I find the idea of a wrath of justice to be intriguing to say the least, do you feel different when you dress for such occasions or do you just feel like you dressed up? I am rather lacking in life experiences, I have yet to wear fancy dress (as an adult) or go to a gathering with other people doing likewise, and my only knowledge of Halloween stems from books, films and comics, I really must remedy that as I gather that the minimal knowledge I do have is highly likely to be inaccurate.