WillR73

Any way you can get in touch with one of the kids she's having the problem witb? Kids ain't shy about telling you what they don't like. Sounds a bit like she's maybe said a couple of things that came out wrong - wrong'descriptions'. I'm 37 and I still do that a lot That's just a guess - you won't know until you can find someone who is able to talk.

I stated my opinion - obviously a lot of people don't agree with it. But I don't think this is the right place for this discussion. Smiley is quite capable of ignoring me, and you all have the right to recommend that course of action. Having nothing else to add to the original subject, I'm going to go away. Then the rest of you can concentrate on giving her the advice and support she(?) asked for. Wish you the best Smiley.

Reason I asked about mental illness is the meds you named. Prozac? Zombie juice for the nervous wrecks. Risperidone? They tried me on that - it was like popping Smarties, but they didn't taste so good and the side-effects weren't nice. I could understand a 5-10mg Diazepam daily for anxiety, but anything beyond that would worry me a bit. They offering him a psychologist? Bit of talking time and a chance to let off steam could do a lot more than anti-psychotics for a child who isn't psychotic. Raise the subject next time you meet the shrinks....never hurts to ask.

I recommend Judge Judy and Jeremy Kyle. I know that sounds silly, but hear me out. They follow the same format - he says she's lying, she says he's lying. At the end the judge or lie detector tells you who was right. It's a bit of a mystery puzzle - you watch, decide what you think sounds sensible, decide who looks dishonest, then at the end they tell you if you got it right. I know it sounds silly, but give it a try - it's both educational and a little addictive

Sorry if I annoyed you Bid - I only speak as I think. I didn't say human grief counsellors can't help - I asked if they can. And yes - I do describe myself as a seperate species. Reason is I've spent years working very hard to teach people about someone like me. And the fastest way to get their attention is to tell them "You're human, I'm Asperger". They need to understand the distance we both have to cross. As to my opinion that grief is different for Aspergers, I speak from what I've seen. People like me getting confused and stressed because they don't react the way the human world expects them to react. So I accept that we both speak as we have seen, and obviously we have seen different. I can only speak from my own experience, but I have every right to do so. And smiley has every right to ignore my world-view.

Hi Weebo. I'm Will, 37 yr old Asperger. Don't start me on animals - I'm a dog-lover Nice to meet you, and I hope life is treating you well.

Hi Lisaa

I kinda agree with eco88. For an Asperger grief is different. If someone I love dies, I raise a glass (or 6) to them that night. Then I put it away until Dec 31. That night I lock myself away and look back on my year. Then I mourn the lost. Can a human grief counsellor teach an Asperger how to mourn? You'll get a lot of professionals telling you what to do next. Just do what works for you. Write letters to the loved one, stand on a bridge, and make them into little boats that float down to the sea. Stand on a cliff-edge and scream at the wind. Rescue a puppy from a shelter and give it all the love you used to give to the lost. My point is, maybe the experts can help. If not, it's up to you to find something that helps you.

Just need to ask one question before I react - does J exhibit any sign of mental illness? As opposed to the usual stresses and strains of being an Asperger in a human world.

I'm a high-function Asperger, and I've found an easy way to explain myself to people who get bored with all the technical stuff. I say half of me is 37 and the other half is 12. My shrink cringes when I say it, but it helps most people understand - part of me stopped maturing at a certain age. Isn't that the core of the Asperger's problem? Don't know about Friends, but I still lmao at old episodes of Pingu Is that a problem that needs to be solved, or is it just a case of 'go with the flow'? Humour the child part, and the adult part will be much calmer. That make some sense?

I can see both sides of the 'do we tell him?' debate. I was 32 before I was diagnosed. The experts describe me as an 'extremely high function' Asperger. In other words, I can pass for human..lol Reason I can function in the human world is I had no choice - no-one knew I needed help. That forced me to learn my own solutions to life. I might do it the hard way, but I can do it. That's the good news. Downside is that I ended up doing everything the hard way, scraping through, and taking some hard knocks along the way. That brought me to the point I function well for short bursts, then I need to go home and lock the door for days. So there are good points on both sides. Understanding helps make sense of it all, and support will always be an asset. But forced independence encourages development of essential skills. So I say tell him, but downplay it - don't make it an excuse for not trying. Support him, but don't carry him. Sometimes, like any other parent, you may have to stand back and let him get wrong - I've learned more from my mistakes than from my successes. As to home schooling, only thing I would say is that my ability to cope in social situations is a kind of 'mental muscle' - I have to keep exercising it or it will waste. If he likes books, maybe the local library has some kind of book club? Or even a local school might agree to let him sit in on reading hour? Important to keep that social 'mental muscle' working. Hope this helps a bit

I can say something that might lift the cloud a bit. My mom's a foster carer. Years ago a 12yr old Asperger arrived at her house. He was getting out of hand, his mother couldn't cope, and she found a couple of gins made it easier. He stayed with Mom 3 months. She took no nonsense, proved more stubborn than he was, and taught him how to tell jokes His mother saw him regularly, and the time gave her a chance to clear her head and recharge. 6 years later, any member of his family will stop Mom in the street and tell her how well he's doing. I don't know how your situation stands, or how it will turn out. Just wanted you to know that the system doesn't always screw up - sometimes it comes right in the end

Been doing my own DLA forms for years, and my mom was involved in a charity that let me watch her fill them in for the last 25 years. Try to get something on every page. Remember they aren't asking you about an average day - the forms openly say 'worst day'. Add anything you can think of - under 'conditions' I put hayfever and short sighted just in case it helps Appeal automatically - don't even stop to think. And if an appeal gets rejected, you can still ask for the decision to be reviewed. They have some senior staff who will re-assess the appeal. Only had to deal with them once, but I got a nice one and it all worked out good.

This is a personal opinion, which a lot of people might disagree with, but I say part of me is 37 and the other part is 12. That's my lazy description of Asperger's. So even at 37 I've got that touch of 12yr old mischief. Recently, purely out of boredom, I worked out how to get a restraining order against Santa. Would have worked, but I didn't do it - sometimes the grown-up me kicks in and ruins my Brilliant Ideas. Besides - my support worker threatened to hurt me..lol So yes - enjoy the fun bits And never encourage your child's Brilliant Ideas, or you might end up as a witness for the prosecution against Santa..lol

Eats half his dinner, runs to the toilet and throws it up, then comes back for the other half? Yup - been there, done that Always used to put my sisters off their dinner..lol I'm 37, I'm an Asperger, and I started doing that before I remember - need family members to remind me. Now I'm 5' 11", 180lbs, and the main reason I don't throw up is I love me grub too much to part with it So don't worry unless his weight gets low - then talk to a GP. Otherwise, get used to it, or he'll ruin your appetite and you'll end up malnourished. Welcome to the wierd and wonderful world of wautism Sorry if I don't sound serious. That's my point - don't take this serious. Works out ok in the end. Although if he has sisters, they'll hate him forever

This isn't going to offer any solutions, but might help a bit anyways. I'm an Asperger, I'm 37, and I've been living fairly independently since I was 21. So I should be able to handle the simple stuff. Scenario. I pick you up in my car on Saturday morning and you point out I still smell like Friday night, and maybe you should drive, I'll shrivel in embarassment and my mood will collapse. Because I can follow the logic - had a few Guinness, went bed, woke up, jumped in car....forgot to brush the teeth, or maybe wore the jeans I spilt the booze on last night. I understand it logically, but my emotional reaction would be "Oh my god I screwed up and what must she think of me? She probably thinks I'm a drunk-driver!!!!". Logic goodbye, being confronted with the limitations imposed upon me by my condition just feeds that permanent fear of 'not being able to do it right'. This doesn't solve your problem, but maybe it's part of why the 'sit down and talk about it' path goes wrong. I don't have any answers for you, but I hope this bit of info will help you understand the response.

The system is simple. Your local health authority puts money into a bank account. You become a manager. That bank account is your budget. With the agreement of your social worker, you create job descriptions, interview, hire, fire, all that management stuff. You need a nice social soul you can share a coffee with and moan about your week? Hire one. One of your kids needs to get out and active and join some local clubs - get them a friend to take them there. This is the simple version, but you get the idea. And if you want any more info, or a listening ear on the bad days, contact me - I'm usually free and wasting my life - be a pleasure to feel useful

Info on Direct Payments in the Help & Advice section of this forum. You start by doing the two really difficult bits. You tell your GP you need help. Then you say the same thing to the social worker he refers you to. That's the tough bit done..lol Next you ask for a Needs Assesment on each of your children, and a Carer's Assesment on you. You're only asking to seem polite - you have a legal right to stamp your foot and demand. Don't sign off on any agreement unless you agree - keep correcting it until they get it right. Now you and your children have a legally recognised right to support. Then you can start talking about Direct Payments This is too long - I'll follow with another post

I didn't take any offense Cait - hope you didn't think I sounded a bit grumpy? What I was trying to say is that there are people, like me, who it didn't go right for. It turns us into veterans of a war - the battle to live in a human world. Don't wish us smiles for tomorrow - use us to stop your daughter joining our ranks

Cait, you are the poster-girl for local support services. Why aren't they in there helping you? You got the social workers involved? I know they ain't always great, but they're the best route to Direct Payments and shrinks. And stuff you may not need, like benefits and housing. Especially Direct Payments if you last the battle. My aunt's direct payments pay someone to change her nappies. Mine pay a girl to settle down over lunch and a movie and just chat - keep me social. Flexible or what? You get the point - this might be one of those rare cases the professionals can actually be useful

The short answer. Get someone she can meet up with in an informal environment for a couple of hours a week to rant and vent and let the pressure off. Do the same thing for yourself. Nothing complicated - walk by the river and take a bit of bread for the ducks. That one works as well for adults as kids Maybe you can think of family, friends, etc who could fill the roles. If not think about Direct Payments. Means getting a social worker and wading through bureaucracy, but ultimately puts you in control of what both of you need and get. Either way, find someone neutral for each of you to vent at...that'll keep the pressure off while you work out what to do next.

Sally, once I was your son, and my mother was you. It all kinda worked out - we both stayed sane and didn't lose our hair In Northern Ireland we have the NI Law Centre. It's a charity-linked group - you can only be referred by someone like NAS. Basically free lawyers who like to launch crusades - even to the point of suing councils and health boards. That exist in your area, or something like it? You get my point. You already know your son's legal rights. All the little job-titles can argue importance, but nobody shouts at a Judge You don't have to spend money putting the school in court, just convince them you're ready to do it tomorrow. And remind them that Judicial Rulings often turn up in newspapers. Then ask them if they'd like to compromise

Cait, and I'm saying this friendly, one of the biggest problems I've run into is people who are not Aspergers, but still assume they understand what I'm saying. It never ends well... I say I am what life made me - a big old back-room brawler. And that ain't all metaphorical...lol Two reasons why you should see me as an asset, instead of offering comfort. I've been a 14 yr old Asperger. And 15, 16, 17 etc... That doesn't mean I know what will happen to your daughter next year, or in the following years. But it does mean that I already faced some of the challenges she will have to face, and I did them without understanding and support. Which makes me a bit of an expert on what will come up and the consequences of getting it wrong. Other reason. You need a bit of backup in fighting your daughter's battles? Who you want? An eternal optimist with a thick skin and eternal smile, or the guy who's been fighting the system, the human race, and his own brain for more years than your daughter's been alive? Moral of the story - it isn't all about negative and positive - it's also about realistic and practical. And you don't need to tell me about your daughter. She's an Asperger- I already know she's a wonderful person

Diagnoses are only as good as the information exchanged. You be as honest and accurate as you can, then hope you got the right professional - a listener and a thinker. And it helps if you're religious - a couple of prayers can't hurt

The short story of me. Unfit for work at 24. 32 before some expert told me I was an Asperger. 34 before some expert told me I'd been bipolar for 20 years. You can imagine I've lived in interesting times Now I'm 37, and I am what life has made me. I have one simple goal. I don't want to see the system create another me. Not good for anyone - I got damaged, wasted time of shrinks who didn't know what to do, and cost the taxpayer a fortune. That's it - want to know something I ain't already said, go ahead and ask. All stay well