georgiapiano

Oh my goodness - you sound exactly like me! Have I met a soulmate???

Hello and welcome to this lovely site. You will love it here, everyone is so lovely and supportive. Congratulations on your diagnosis. Nowadays so many more people are diagnosed, but I guess when you were younger aspergers wouldn't have ever been thought about. And no, there is no 'normal'. My definition for 'normal' is - BORING. Enjoy your journey in the aspie world. It's not all that bad a place to be really. xxx

Hello there fellow aspie lovelies! First and foremost I would like to invite anyone and everyone to contribute to this thread. Men and women. I am primarily interested in women because I feel there are so many more of us out there undiagnosed and going through the same struggles as I (or we) do. I’m sure this is the case for many men too, but what interests me is that women are more difficult to diagnose and there is evidence and research out there that proves this… My intention for this thread is to make new friends and share experiences with people alike. But ULTIMATELY, I want to find some answers, and I want to find ways of actually doing something about ASD in women, particularly high-functioning. Here’s a bit about me – I’ve tried to keep it straight to the point and non-waffly. I am sure that as we all get to know each other and discuss more on this thread we will share our experiences in more detail… I am Georgia. I am 34, female, have 2 young children, a professional job, a partner who I love dearly and is also the father to my children… To others, on the outside, I appear completely normal and functioning, but also very confusing and unpredictable. I am undiagnosed by the health professions, but positively self-diagnosed in the last month. I choose not to seek a diagnosis because I don’t want to risk my career, which I perform well in. I have read and researched ASD for the last 6 months after discovering it for the first time and relating to it, and have done several online tests. I have been previously diagnosed with depression and personality disorder. Help I’ve received has been counselling, psychiatrist and cognitive behaviour therapy. NONE of which have had any impact at all, if anything it makes me worse. I always have a meltdown after CBT. My life, from a child until now has been an existence of angst, frustration, confusion, anxiety, unexplained meltdowns, poor relationships with family and friends, OCD, health obsessions, phobia of illness and hospitals, being misunderstood, depression, addiction, self harm, anger, inability to function for no explained reason, over-functioning some days to the point of hyperactivity…so yeah, the ‘normal’ things related with ASD. Nobody would really know this about me (apart from my partner who is amazingly supportive), because I don’t show it on the outside. One of the books I’ve been reading, among several others, is: Women from another planet? By Jean Kearns Miller Anyone read it? Fab book. I related with so much of it. It’s basically written by a group of women who initially met on a forum/group (just like we potentially are) and who shared their experiences. They ended up compiling their thoughts and experiences into a book, also consisting of poetry. It’s a very uplifting and thought provoking book. But as I’ve really engaged with every part of it, there has been a question in my mind… My response to reading it: You say all this about ASD/autism/aspergers in women – BUT, what is actually being done about it? Yes, the book helps me in that I know others experience the same, but What happens to people like me, who are leading a functional life (higher functioning ASD) and who have professional jobs, so cannot seek a diagnosis, yet need support? I struggle every day to function, but I do it. Some days I just have a meltdown and can’t do it. I swear that if it wasn’t for my children I wouldn’t be here today. I feel like I need help but don’t know where or how to get it. I know now that the NHS cannot help me. Another thing, what about raising awareness of other people like me (and us)? How many people must there be out there suffering the same, wondering what the hell is wrong with them, when all the time they have higher functioning ASD but just don’t know it? I am really keen to do something to raise awareness and to help other women like us. Does anyone know if there IS already any help out there, and what? Or does anyone have any thoughts about how we can move forward from here? Even something as simple as setting up a support or awareness website? I don’t know. The possibilities are endless I guess. I’d love to discuss any thoughts. Thank you for reading. Love you all, whether you respond or not xxx ​

Thanks Ally that's useful advice. I like strawberries and not actually a fan of dairy products anyway, so I'm onto a winner already with that one. I have a lot of friends in my job - well, colleagues anyway. But not ones who would really understand the ASD side of things. I'm undiagnosed and in a professional job which I love and I don't want to risk my career by getting a diagnosis. My job is not the sort of job I can ask for extra help with things like that. But the diet side of things I will definitely give a go, and the book looks good too! Thank you muchly x

Ahhhh, you know what....? Thank you!! I didn't expect a reply, but I'm glad you did. Again, more reassurance that I'm not alone in this crazy, unpredictable world. My grey cells certainly did decide to have a rainy day. And you are so right - my good days are amazing and my bad days suck! Love your last sentence. "So what?" is definitely something I will try to say to myself more. I like it! Thank you xxxxx

This is really useful. Thank you. As supportive as my partner is (and he is the only one, as nobody else I know - not even family - would even believe me if I told them I had ASD, let alone support me) he finds me difficult to understand. He tries really hard, and I really get how it's very difficult for him. I don't even understand myself sometimes! This bit of advice is really helpful. Little bits of help at a time - fabulous. xxx

I love this forum because here I am about to have a good rant - what better place to do it - because nobody else is going to listen. If you're reading this, you might not want to listen either. That's fine. I just want to let off some steam..... My children have gone to stay with their Nanny today - the idea being to give me a day where I can do some work (Which I NEVER get to do with them around, as much as I love them). The morning I spent running about trying to get my laptop working (which I hadn't PLANNED in my schedule for the day!). When I finally got around to starting work around 1pm, I really couldn't be bothered. I feel exhausted now. My head today is all over the place. I can't concentrate on anything at all. I don't know where to put myself. I feel like I'm all hyperactive, but at the same time can't be bothered to do anything! I've ended up putting the work away and now I'm on here. And now I'm beating myself up for not being productive. I have so many days when I feel like this - when I'm meant to be using time productively but it just doesn't happen. My head is all in a weird spin. I'm in a bad mood at the same time. I don't even know what I feel really. There, rant over. If you've read this - thank you. No replies required. Just nice to rant

I think I'm going to self-diagnose myself. My job is so important - I'm good at it. If I lost my job because of a diagnosis I'd be destroyed. Is it ok to diagnose yourself? How sure can you be on a self-diagnosis? I've done loads of reading and online tests, so I can be pretty sure. It just feels a bit weird to diagnose yourself. Also, it will have an impact on my already dodgy relationships with my family. I can't honestly imagine saying to my mum "Mum, I have ASD - I'm not diagnosed, I've diagnosed myself. My reasons are...." I can just see how this will end. She will laugh at me, tell me I'm fine, there is nothing wrong...blahhhh, blahhhh, blahhh blahhhh ..... Annoyed. WHY is there so little support and so little understanding about ASD out there!! ??? I'm really frustrated!! Love to you all on here xxx

Ah man....reading this reply has brought tears to my eyes. I cannot believe the amount of support on here. I guess I'm just really overwhelmed that there is finally someone out there who understands and relates. It's so nice to speak to people who understand. Thank you. I understand that with a diagnosis my life won't be the same. I don't expect my life to suddenly change and be wonderful. It's just that since a young age I have always wanted to make sense of WHY I am the way I am. I have always been "different" and I have always had this sense of wanting to understand WHY I AM. If I can only find some reason to how I am me, that would help immensely. Then I can face ASD and say "f*** you ASD. I may live with you, you may be a part of me, but I can move on and live my life with you there. Because I am strong!" I don't want to live a different life. I am happy with what I have. I just want some understanding about why my brain works how it does! You guys on here are so fantastic. Thank you xxx

I appear normal, but find life day to day so difficult in so many ways. My online tests came out with scores on the ASD scale but on the lower end, making me higher functioning. People expect so much from me, and I cannot deliver. I feel so much pressure to just perform on a daily basis. But I do it. And I do it well. It destroys me. I'm ill a lot, I have extreme meltdowns and often I'm tearful. I just read some stuff about diagnosis. And how it can affect your job. I'm in a professional role which could be affected by a diagnosis. I love my job and I'm very good at it. It's one thing that keeps me functioning. I don't know what to do know. I feel I need diagnosis for peace of mind but if it affected my job it would ruin my life! Argh!!

Went to my GP today, who diagnosed me with TMD (temporomandibular joint disorder) - basically a grinding of the jaw, stress related, which leads to aches and pains around the head, jaw, teeth and ear. He explained we need to get to the root of the cause (hurrah, I think, as I'm still undiagnosed). I explain to him that I've been receiving CBT, I'm due my last session in a few weeks and it's honestly not been very helpful at all. I tell him also that I've expressed my thoughts about ASD to my CB therapist and that my therapist has told me "I don't think you have ASD. I work with someone who has it and you don't seem to present as ASD." My GP has not referred me to a psychiatrist or specialist for assessment. He's just said he will write a letter to the CMHT who are working with me to "address the issue of ASD". I'm not really happy with this. I don't feel like anyone is taking me seriously. The thing is, on the outside I can appear very confident, chatty and - well, "normal". But I have practised and practised this act for years on end and it's getting tiring. I'm a good actress, performer and musician. No-body knows the true me. I never show the true me. It's a horrible place, and nobody knows because I'm very embarrassed about it. I can understand why people find it hard to believe. But nobody knows my real angst, and it's scary. Only my partner knows. I don't want to get to the point where I can't handle it anymore and then I end up leaving this life and then people read this and say "Oh, if only we knew." Well then it will be too late if nobody actually listens to me and takes me seriously!

Thank you. Ha, the art of positive thinking. I missed that out of my jigsaw. The point of my jigsaw is for my CB therapist to see everything that happens in my head. If I'd done the jigsaw for me, then my positives would be included on there. Just because you have, or believe you have, ASD absolutely does NOT mean you don't experience happy things. In fact, in my experience, the happy, good things are intensified massively! Because of the angst and mental turmoil, the good things feel 100 times more amazing

Congratulations on finally getting your diagnosis - and thank you for your reply. You know what, I have spent my whole life since late teens in mental turmoil. I was referred to a psychiatrist 10 years ago who also diagnosed me with "personality disorder" - following this, I continued my life feeling absolutely awful - hopeless, self harming, over-dosing on one occasion, avoiding anyone who actually cared about me, being a total recluse - but still being very excellent at my job as a professional!! And then I had children, which is the most amazing thing that has happened to me - and I still continue to live in turmoil. I agree with you wholeheartedly that it is just a fob off! I think I'm a nice person - there are so many good things about me - but I'm just always misunderstood all the time because I feel so awkward being open and myself around people. Nobody actually knows the real me apart from my partner. Thank you for your reply. All the support on here is making me so much more determined and so much for accepting of myself. Georgia xx

Thank you so much. It's a real compliment. It's not often someone calls me intelligent. I did it because I've had 5 sessions with my cognitive behavioural therapist and still don't feel like I'm getting anywhere - if anything I'm even more confused. There is so much going on. I asked him if we could end on our last session by putting all the pieces together (a lot of which we haven't even talked about yet!!) I think he's going to be surprised with what I present to him. I hope so really. I need to get a diagnosis so that I can move forward and accept that ASD is part of me, rather than feeling all these crazy feelings all the time and feeling like I'm nuts! Good luck with your own jigsaw hun. Maybe you should start small - step by step. Create one piece at a time - put each piece in one place - and over time, once you have a collection you can use it to help you? Have you been diagnosed yet? xx

Thank you for your reply. I totally agree with you. I feel like I'm being completely fobbed off left, right and centre. I'm trying all angles to get a diagnosis and it seems like a real battle. I assume you've not been diagnosed either, and looking to be diagnosed? Xx

Thank you. I'm glad to be here. It's reassuring that I'm not just going crazy. Love to you all xxx

Don't worry! I've worked it out :-) xxx

My cognitive behaviour therapist said after our second session he didn't think I have ASD. He told me that in our last session in a couple of weeks we'll put all the pieces of the jigsaw together and he thinks our work will be done. Good luck to him . I don't think he's expecting to be presented with this. This is my 'homework'. We've only touched on a few of these things. I've not been diagnosed yet and I'm 34. I'm pretty fed up with living in my head. What are your thoughts? Love to all Georgia xxx

Thanks Dave - that's really interesting. Like yourself, I'm not doing very well at all with any therapy Ive had despite numerous attempts. I can't communicate with anyone close to me about what's going on (apart from my partner who I live with) as they won't understand and they won't believe me. My CBT worker told me basically he doesn't think so when I suggested I thought I had aspergers. I'm going to make another visit to the doctors this week. He's diagnosed me with TMD (Temporomandibular joint disorder), which is stress related. He wants to get to the route of my stress. He's a new doctor, and I think he might refer me to a psychiatrist. Fingers crossed. I hope they can get through and try to see me for everything I am - not just what's on the outside. How has your diagnosis changed your life? Has it all felt better for you since? Georgia xx

Hi I'm really sorry if I'm posting this in the wrong place - but how do I upload photos on here? I've been trying for the last hour. Any help greatly appreciated xx Georgia x

Thank you. I will look into it. I've read a lot of books already. A good one I'm reading at the moment is Women from another planet. Any ideas on how to get a diagnosis? x

Hi there. I'm in a very similar situation to you. I could write a book about my experiences since a child. I'm 34 and have not yet been diagnosed. It's only been recently that I realised that my ways may lead to Asd. I've read books and done online tests like yourself and have resulted in ASD. It's tough isn't it. I find the hardest thing is relating with my family. They don't quite understand. Nice to meet you x

Hi Dave, Congratulations! Great news you've been diagnosed :-) I'm Georgia. Like yourself, I'm new on here - only just posted my first post. It's good to see people on here who are being diagnosed late. I'm 34 and have not yet had a diagnosis. I'm trying to get one. In the past I've had referrals to a psychiatrist, CBT, counselling, anti-depressants... and I've recently been reading up on ASD and have done online tests which say I am ASD. How did you get your diagnosis if you don't mind me asking? Anyway, well done you - and may the future be a prosperous one for you now that you know! :-) Georgia x

Hi. I'm Georgia. I don't really know if I've come to the right place. There are so many forums online! It's all a little confusing (as is always the case in my muddly head. I find it hard to cope with so many options! I just want a straight, black and white answer - 'yes, THIS is THE forum for people with ASD'). Anyway, all I want to do is pin point a place which is best for me to discuss my experiences with others who have experienced the same. I've had a look at some of the posts and it seems I may be in the right place - please correct me if I'm wrong?? Here's my story... Well, actually, my story is way too long to tell in one post. I could write a book (I'm actually thinking seriously about it) about my life from a young child until now. So here's me in a little nutshell instead. I'm 34 years old, I have not been diagnosed with ASD. I have severe problems with high levels about anxiety and obssessions about health, illnesses and death. It takes over my life. I have a professional job, which I love. I have two young children and a partner who is the father to my two children. I love my family immensely. Despite all the great things in my life (and it couldn't be happier) I struggle daily with just generally functioning. I have massive moodswings, which are random, unexpected - sometimes very angry. It frightens me sometimes how I can feel so out of control for no explained reason. This only happens at home. At work, I am an actress (not actually an actress, but I am acting in my role of what I do so I can cope - I am not myself). I hate my true self. I struggle with my own self identity, I have self harmed in the past. I have had difficulties with relationships in the past. I hate social situations. I blush at the click of a finger and want to run and hide in a big hole. I want to be perfect all the time - in fact, I have to be perfect - things have to be perfect otherwise I crumble into a heap of uselessness. I have tried antidepressants - I hated them, they made me worse. I then also obsess about the side effects of them. I don't take any medication for anything unless it's a matter of life or death because the worries about the side effects makes me more anxious about dying from something. I've tried counselling, CBT....I'm getting to the end of my tether now. I've read books about ASD in women and late diagnosis. It's all making a lot of sense and I can pretty confidently say that I can self diagnose myself. I've also tested on the online tests and come out with ASD on the lower end. Would be great to talk to some people on here with similar experiences to mine. Thank you :-) Georgia xxx