JJ's mum

I dont think I was saying you were thinking of the nights out, I was merely saying that the other person was not being selfish. ie a selfish person would be thinking of the nights out and wishing the child away. I was in no way passing comment on people who send their kids to residential school. Im sure it is an agonising decision and in my post I did say it was good for some children. The op was agonising that her child needs the love and support she can provide and in my opinion she may well be right, she knows her son best. The LEA often dont. If she feels it is in the childs best interest to send him to res, then she should. If she doesnt then she shouldnt. Im not sure why people have to be so nasty on this forum. Ive been here just a couple of weeks and already I have been insulted several times. We all have agonising decisions to make regarding their kids, myself included. Many children that are home educated can do well both socially and academically given the committment of their parents. School isnt the only way to socialise nor to meet other people like yourself.

My daughters dad went to a residential special school from the age of 10 as he has severe dyslexia and at the time there wasnt the expertise within mainstream schools.He felt very rejected by his parents. He was also severely bullied during his time there and felt he had nowhere to escape to.In my opinion it caused a lot of his difficulties. He has hardly worked since so in my opinion there was no profit in his case. I dont want to scare you, I just wanted to let you know it isnt all rosy in any school. At least if he is educated locally he has the sanctury of his own home and room to retreat to, the food he likes, flexibility to do the things he enjoys. If your insticts are saying no, go with them. I am a believer that love, security and a stable background is worth far more than the best education. Have you considered home ed/ tutoring? The LEA have an obligation to educate the child. You are not being selfish by not wanting to send him to residential, most children have a home upbringing and you want the same for your boy, I see nothing wrong in that. You can provide more than some, in that you can provide a loving home. The LEA have to make provision, maybe they could use a home tutor and you could help him with the rest. As he is bright, he may well be able to complete the national curriculum at home with some promting from you. You said your child is bright, but his problems are with mental health. Im not convinced a school can provide the unconditional love,support and security that you can. The 3 greatest human needs concerned with internal needs are love security and self esteem. I dont see the education system listed in Maslows heirarchy of needs. As a parent, no matter what his educational or behavioural needs, I will do the best by my child, whatever that is. For some they feel the kids need the routine and maybe some respond to the methods used in such schools. The NAS has some residential schools and looking at the website they look wonderful. In my opinion it is best to teach a child how to function in a home environment, how to relate to the world and not just their peers, wherever possible. I would give home ed/tutoring a go if all else fails. School may well be a part of your sons probs especially if he gets bullied. Who knows he may just respond well to less stress and expectations. I have a great home education book specific to ASD's from the NAS. It has a lot of positive stories about how the children have thrived when they are out of the education system. For me this is the way to go if I find my son is anxious all the time at school, but it doesnt suit everyone. Im only raising the point because you obviously feel you can provide the best for your child, I feel exactly the same. In your sons case he may get a better education but if he doesnt leave school happy and with a positive self esteem he wouldnt thrive in the world of work anyway. Yet a happy child with no qualifications can go far. If whatever the LEA suggest works then all is well but if not it could leave your son with more anxieties. Trust your heart and go with it. You know your son better than anyone. Going to such a school may do nothing more than prepare him to live in such a school. You can equip him with what he needs to thrive in the real world and with a group of people representative of the real world. If you want to read the book at any time, PM me and Id be happy to loan it to you. Sorry for the essay. Its a long way of saying go with your heart and you are not selfish, quite the opposite. If you were selfish you would already be thinking of the nights out ...

I saw the videos on YouTube when I was looking at videos on Autism, they were really taunting the poor boy and subjected to him to a campaign of verbal abuse especially. They had basically set out to humiliate him before the world. The sad thing is that they were quite happy to sit there in front of the camera and do this, publicising in the comment that they were at Poole college. They also had the boys ( victims) first name and surname on the caption which isnt very good in this day and age. My heart bled for him and I spent Sunday in tears for him and for the future my son may face. I was one of the people that phoned Poole college first thing on Monday morning. They had already had another 2 calls, I also made complaints to YouTube about all of the videos. Perhaps it is a good thing these were posted on YouTube else these bullies may never have been caught. Being on BBC news as well as the one above will hopefully teach them a lesson. Another thing that concerns me is on the link in the post above there is comment by someone talking about how her child has been subjected to severe bullying at school and has come home with bruising. This is totally wrong but if a child is being sprayed with acid at school( as I can well believe- theres a boy with autism that lives locally to me and he is bullied real bad) why do they continue to send him to school? As a home ed book Ive been reading says "where else in a childs life are they put in a class with 30 other children whos sole aim is to make their life a misery". We now have an answer, college. At 4 years old and preschool my son has already been subjected to bullying. Which is why Ive decided to stay at home with my children when I graduate to ensure that this never happens and if necessary "education otherwise" is a very real option. Self esteem and a knowledge of the real world which is thankfully slightly more accepting than schools are far more important to me for my son than key stage 3 attainment. PS I would recommend looking on YouTube and typing autism. There are some videos of some gorgeous children with autism on there and it is loverly to see just how much they are cherished. I spent over an hour watching videos on Sunday so it wasnt all bad. The bullying ones had been posted on Saturday I think so were removed pretty quickly for YouTube.

Does anyone know if this is harmful in any way. My son gets red ears every night usually starting at the dinner table. His meal consists of some form of potato, sometimes chicken, and the odd carrot. Which of these if any could be causing the problems? He also eats the occasional piece of pasta/bread. Im not sure cutting out food would be practical in my sons case as anything different causes him to vomit even if the carrots are a little more cooked than usual or if the potato has a powdery texture but I guess it would be interesting to know.

JJ has always gagged in the past and hates certain textures. eg he usually eats mashed potato but if its even the slightest bit thicker than usual he would gag. Since 1st Jan when we tried to tell JJ that turkey was chicken and he vomitted after gagging and said it was dry, he has been vomitting a lot. Today was the first time he has vomitted. My daughter did present him with the doughnut pretty. Im wondering if he has just sussed that throwing up with avoid having to eat a couple of mouthfuls. I am currently aiming for 5 mouthfuls of each meal and he does this with some meals. He never vomits with sandwiches and will often eat half a round and rarely refuses but any meal on a plate is a non starter.

Does anyone know if food phobias can be caused by aspergers. I know picky eating is quite common and my son has been picky all his life, his diet consisting of bread, chicken, roast potatoes and chips. I usually encourage him to try new things but just lately he is vomitting at the sight of food if it isnt a food he loves. I dont have a clue if he is ill. He doesnt look ill before the food is offered but then he rapidly turns grey round his mouth. Sometimes like it today it is instant. He looked fine, my daughter offered him a doughnut and he just said that he didnt want food and threw up everywhere. This has only been happening a few months but I cant take them anywhere because of this. Anyone any ideas?

You didnt upset me. We were together for the last 2 1/2 years though not living together due to unpredictable but rare behaviour including self harm and violence. He was planning to come back in a few months. He hasnt been violent for almost 3 years, but the fear is still there when he gets angry. I do believe he has aspergers but agree it doesnt mean he doesnt need to take responsibility. Im not convinced he can help the anger fits as they are very very out of character but it doesnt make it less of an issue and in a way makes it worse because if he cannot help it, he cannot just stop and therefore the argument that he has changed cannot be true. I would be stupid to have him back and after reading the article by tony attwood recommended by nellie in this post, I realised the life I would have at best with him isnt the life I dreamed of. I am moving on because I long to have a child one day with someone who is not only happy about it but who takes an interest and with whom I can share the experience. I feel like im not only raising 2 children alone but also my husband is like having another child :-( only not so loveable. Thanks for the advice everyone.

I know it doesnt make it ok, which is precisely why we dont live together, I was merely pointing out that much of my husbands behaviour could be explained ( though not excused by an asperger diagnosis). Im not saying that aspergers makes it acceptable to do such things and also he has never been taught to take responsibility for his actions by his parents. What I am saying is that certain behaviour can be provoked in an adult that has aspergers and seem totally irrational to other people. To him his behaviour makes perfect sense. I have only really known for 4 weeks that my son has aspergers. I do not have a formal diagnosis but 3 experts have said they would be surprised if he is not on the spectrum. Im ruling out more severe autism as he just scored far higher than his age for the language part of the health visitors assessment. And he talks more maturely than me often. I intend fully to ensure that my son is able to function in the real world by the time he leaves my home. Im not saying husbands behaviour is acceptable as I do not tolerate it from my son. However if my son is having a tantrum because his routine has changed suddenly then although I dont encourage him to have a tantrum or condone it, I do understand why it is happening. When my husband is engaging in this unacceptable behaviour, he does not have control over his actions. The reason my husband does not live in our house and hasnt for 2 1/2 years is because I am trying to set an example to my children about how to behave. It is incredibly hard to ask my son to stop headbutting walls, hitting me, close his mouth when eating, stop stuffing loads of food in and stop having a tantrum when he sees the person who is intended to be a role model doing the same thing. He shows no interest in the children, when he is there I am effectively raising them alone although he will do anything he is asked to do within reason, but its not pretty. Im sorry if I offended anyone, I do apologise. I dont try to blame the traits on autism with my son nor my husband. In any case the only one who is diagnosed is my brother in law. Im 98% sure my husband has. He is nt close to a womaniser at all. I was his first and last partner and we met when we were 20. His brother has no interest whatsoever in the opposite sex so I guess people are different. My husband even now isnt really interested in women, he really just wants another mum. I have almost decided this week to end the relationship anyway. He is being really patronising about my son and im fed up with it considering he has probably only spent 4 weeks living in the same house since he was 18 months. Also I dont have the energy. My son is on the spectrum, I can see that. My husband may well be, he ticks a lot of the boxes too but Im a mother to my son, Im wasnt ever meant to be looking after my husband so Ive decided to move on and seek my soul mate. I also want more children one day, my husband doesnt show any interest in the ones we have. I suspect he has aspergers too but once someone is an adult with no idea they are wrong, it is very difficult for things to change. My son can expect to grow up to enjoy a happy life. He might still be having tantrums now (4) but I dont intend for him to be by the time he is 27. I know its a bit harsh, but autism or no autism, if you arent happy with someone and their behaviour then autism is not a reason to stay.

Sounds like a tough position you are in. Im in a similar position with my in laws. They fuss over all their boys far too much and never accept that they can ever be wrong. Im not sure if its because 2 of their boys have aspergers and maybe they feel an overwhelming urge to protect them. They do however phone my kids, and they do the same, make sure that they speak to their dad. He never bothers phoning himself so I told them id prefer it if the time they have with them was just grandparent time and they appreciated that it is better to have quality time. That way he makes his own arrangements to speak to them. I didnt like the fact that it was obvious to the kids that nanny had asked daddy to speak to them. Its a tough one and I feel for ya, good luck whatever you decide to do <'>

I agree entirely, if he cant accept his son for who he is then he doesnt really want to know him. My son is the best but my estranged husband and his family keep saying annoying things like he probably doesnt have aspergers, they think its just something that ticks all the boxes but that suddenly gets better when he reaches 18. Little do they know it is what makes JJ who he is. I wouldnt change him for the world. I dont want him to suffer, but it isnt JJ who needs to change its the attitudes of the people around him. JJ is perfect just different. Your son needs support, doesnt sound like his dad could care less so concentrate on the people in his life who really care about him. If the grandparents are on their sons side ie think it is acceptable that he only sees son every 2 years then Id get rid of them too, but only you know what to do. If I were you id talk to the grandparents, sounds to me like he is under the thumb. Personally id give him an ultimatum, either he keeps in regular contact with son or he gets on his bike. Cant make your son feel too great that his dad is so half hearted. It doesnt sound like he is just having a problem accepting your son, but accepting he has a son at all.

I may well go to this. I wasnt aware of this having only just found out my son has aspergers (unofficially). Already some of the allowances Im making with my son has caused my daughter to feel a bit put out that he is allowed to do some of the things she isnt etc. This may well be the help im looking for so thanks for posting.

My husband of 5 years also has aspergers ( i believe) he can see he has many of the traits himself. To be honest and a little blunt, many of his behaviour seems like a child in his behaviour and egocentricity. eg he will have a tantrum ( shout, self harm, violent) over a seemingly small thing. He would say something like " you hate me", of course being a sarcastic person ( a fault on my part) I would say something like "of course I hate you, thats why I married you". To a normal person it would be obvious I was joking, but to him he sees it as major like the end of the relationship and hence the reaction. It would explain a lot of the behaviours, as the only negative sides to his behaviour could be explained by aspergers. He is normally a generous person but there are times when it just does not occur to him that there is anyone other than himself to think about. It upsets me a lot, one occasion when I miscarried he said " oh well its only little anyway, I hope this doesnt mean you are going to want another one!". When I was upset the following year he had totally forgotten that it ever happened. We have spent most of our married lives on and off living seperately due to violence, self harm etc. Looking back I thought his behaviour was totally out of proportion, but if he is autistic it would explain a lot. My husband is very similar, he doesnt react at all when im talking about serious issues, he waits patiently for me to finish then goes on about something totally irrelevant like a film that is on. It is incredibly lonely, like you he has told me things that have really hurt me, but he could never accept that his actions could have hurt me even the violence. He was sorry for being "bad" as he puts it but doesnt accept it hurt me, but like you I do love my husband. We have almost divorced several times but we get back together. Realising that he probably has aspergers makes me positive because I can see how I can change my behaviour to hopefully prevent the situations but the realisation that I may never have someone with whom I can share my heart is hard.My husband isnt my soulmate, he is my friend yes, but he doesnt understand or even try to understand how I feel. He My son is very similar in that he follows rules but doesnt understand the consequences of his behaviour on the other person. I hope you work through your difficulties as I hope I will with my husband but I know how you feel, it isnt easy.

Just to let everyone know that it went really well with the health visitor. On her assessment he came up as 48 months for all except language which he came up as 60 months for and social interaction he scored 36 months ( he is 52 months). It was exactly what I was thinking he would do well in. He speaks more like a 6/7 year old than a 4 year old but has the emotions and social skills of a 2 year old. Anyway it is good news, the referral is what I wanted and even if it takes an age at least I know he will be seen. She is going to speak to the nursery too. I have spoken in depth with the nursery as they had expressed concerns. They also confirmed his weaknesses in imaginary play and social skills in that while he is happy to be around other kids he is very much egocentric. He plays his own game alongside another child rather than interacting with them. They also mentioned his fondness of routine and the fact he is obsessive about not getting dirty to the point he wont paint, glue etc. He also got deeply distressed when he got a drip of drink on his jumper.

. My GP said my son just needs more boundaries and I should try disciplining him consistantly and then come back in a year. So I wonder if my GP can tell me why at 4 my son is having tantrums when we go to the shops in the wrong order and not when he doesnt get something he wanted from the shops? Eg if I say we are going to Sainsburys ( he hates shopping) then pop in the toy shop on the way he will have a tantrum because I hadnt told him we were going there even though he loves the toy shop? And maybe he would like to tell me exactly what discipline technique to use because I cant get a word in edgeways through screaming. I cant do time out because we are in town, shouting just makes him worse and he isnt spoilt. He has rules and he sticks to them rigidly. He rarely does anything he knows is wrong except tantrums but I dont think he can help them. I had quite a heated debate with my GP politely explained he has had enough discipline, only gets sweets once a week, doesnt eat additives, crisps, turkey twizzlers etc. I got nowhere so am trying the health visitors out of defiance really and the one I saw originally has autistic son so she must have some idea. Unfortunately it is just the assistants that do the test. And I have a feeling its another developmental check

I have my sons full assessment with the health visitor tommorrow. I need her to refer my son to the consultant so I need advice as to what to say. Im concerned as they keep referring to it as a development check and im worried it will be shapes,colours building etc like last one was. Does anyone know what such a test will entail? I have talked at length about my sons difficulties with a health visitor who agreed that it sounds like my son is on the spectrum but this is a different one who is doing the test. Im worried because my son appears very mature in that he has an extremely good use of language and is very intelligent for his age. Ive not seen a health visitor test imagination, empathy etc so im worried she is going to say everything is fine. I know its not, but the only thing I can think of that she is likely to find is his lack of ability to catch a ball. Im 99% sure my son has aspergers though I realise diagnosis is a very lengthy process. Im keen to get through it as quick as I can so he can get help at school when he starts in September. Does anyone know of any comprehensive lists of difficulties kids with aspergers can have so I can show her them? Ive been writing things down for weeks but lost my book and now I have mental block :-(

Hope things are looking brighter today for you. I just wanted to say, I love your website, its great. I also love Macs. Ive got an imac G5 and it is the best. I also own 3 other recent computers all with Xp pro and Mac is far more stable ( though Microsoft products do tend to let good computers down). Hope all goes well for you <'>

My boy cries when he gets hurt but he just runs away. In fact he probably cries more than the "average" boy of his age. I read somewhere that a high pain threshold is a sign of autism. I have 2 different lists of symptoms. The autism list around half of the things apply to Jo. On the aspergers list everything applies to varying degrees except a noticable heightened sense of smell. Though he may have one and just not express it. I spoke in length with someone from my local toddler group today and in length with all the people from his nursery ( 4 people were present) and all agreed that they have observed everything I hilighted with the exception of hand flapping ( this happens quite infrequently when he is very excited). They agree with me in thinking that Jo has mild autism/aspergers. So I guess I should relax I mean it isnt the end of the world. I didnt dream of my son living in fear or being misunderstood but Im not going to help by winging about it and getting stressed. Thanks for everyones help especially those who have basically said "get a grip" in a nice way. You are right, he is still my baby and he is the cutest boy in the world.

Hi and welcome. Its encouraging to hear that things can and do get better. I havent got it too bad at the moment, I have just been told that my son is on the autistic spectrum though its only the opinion of a health visitor. Ill have to wait a while for a proper assessment. As you will know there are good and bad days, but im looking forward to more good days once I get some help. Great to hear about your boy. My boy is 4 too - sept 02 Claire

They sound similar in a lot of ways. I see now why the health visitor said dont hold breath for diagnosis by September then if you been waiting a year and a half. No, I havent been diagnosed. Ive had a lengthy chat with the health visitor who said she is pretty sure he is on "the spectrum". My mum is working as a TA and has been for 15 years so she has worked with few autistic kids and so she knows a lot of what to look out for. She too has been hinting for months, ive just been too stubborn to see it. Im also pretty sure now I know about it. I dont think id be able to wait that long, i definitely think im going to have to forget driving lessons and go private. Im terribly impatient person. I need help and advice with how to help, discipline etc as well as how to help with social iinteraction. Its a long while to go without helping now I know whats wrong.A lot of help and support groups need a dagnosis. Realistically I need to know by April/May even if its just a rough idea from someone knowledgable on aspergers.

Yeah I know I shouldnt feel guilty, it wouldnt have changed much if I hadve noticed. I might have told him off less especially for things he cant help but im sure he wont be scarred for life at least I can make changes now. Thanks everyone for all your encouragement <'>

Thanks for the very honest reply Js mum, im not sure my Jos behaviour will cause mega disruption but Im pretty sure he wont be able to cope. He is struggling with nursery. Im seriously considering home educating him but mum is against it saying he needs the social interation. Im pretty sure he would learn fine. He isnt at school now and he interacts with kids around his age at least 4-5 times a week outside of childcare. He doesnt need the company of other kids to thrive though obviously I need to teach him the ways of the real world. Im just not sure kids need to go through 11 years of school to learn that the world can be a cruel place.

These arent the negative things about him. There are some things about him that I can see can be linked with aspergers like my mum and health visitor have said. These are things like he rambles about trains and doesnt listen to what other people have to say. The things listed are the ones im not sure if they are conected with autism. Ive never had a boy before so Im not sure. Most of his traits are what I see in my sexist mind as typical "male" traits but maybe Ive just been with my husband too long. The only negative things about my son is he is prone to talk too much sometimes to the point of exhausting me and he also can have big tantrums on buses and other times in public often lasting for 1/2 hour or more. Apart from that my son is the cutest funniest most affectionate boy in the world and he constantly makes me laugh with his cute not-so-little phrases. In fact Id gladly trade my daughter in for another one like him, he never answers back, never rude, never tells me he hates me and never threatens to leave home! There isnt much negative in my son, I just cant help thinking ive let him down by parking him with a childminder for 3 years of his life.

Im not trying but I know what you mean, I just cant help it. I thought I was doing the best thing going to uni when my husband left but it has meant sacrifices. One of those being I have seen him far less with other children. I cant help thinking I would have noticed. I dont want to go back tommorrow now I know but I have to finish now Im so close and I keep telling myself it will help in the long term. I finish in May. I dont know how im going to focus with appointments and all this going through my head.

Yeah you are right and I dont know for sure that he has it, after all its only a health visitor and myself who thinks so so far. I could be worrying myself about nothing anyway. I wasnt worried about him last week and he certainly hasnt changed. Im in Kent too michelle. Do you happen to know of any local (im nr. folkestone) groups etc, if so then PM me. Also if you are in the same health authority, how long did diagnosis take for you?

My boy likes affection just doesnt come to me when he is hurt. When he is hurt he runs around the place, I usually grab him but he fights me for a bit. Usually we are out so I have to really for his safety. Also he usually presses the button on pedestrian crossing. The other day I said to him "we are going to cross the road now" and he just ran straight out in the road. Also if I ask him to go to bed he gets in fully clothed. I usually ask them to get their PJ's on first. If I asked my daughter to go to bed she knows that means get changed and brush teeth etc. I thought he knew what to do, but he obviously doesnt. It seems I never really knew my boy at all :-(