Stella63

Hi, Well, firstly thanks so much for all your support, comments and opinions and links - it really does help get things into perspective because everyone looks at things differently. As it turns out, it wasn't as simple as us withdrawing the charges cos the police decide what they proceed with and also he already has a criminal record for the previous conviction. AJ didn't mention anything for a couple of days - it was almost as though he realised, or was told by friends, that there was very little anyone could do, so he has been behaving himself. Both DH and I spoke to the DS in charge of his case and he suggested that if AJ came down to the police station for a chat with him it could have a positive effect on his court case. AJ was up for this so I took him down today. The guy was really great with him and basically told him that he would never be a true 'hard' criminal cos he doesn't have the background and if he continues the way he is and ends up in prison he would get eaten alive by the real hard guys! He talked about the drugs thing and about hanging around with youths several years older ( basically that they have been left behind by their own peer group and therefore need to look to younger kids to get the respect they so desperately want). That makes perfect sense to me!! Anyway, all is quiet, AJ assures me he has learnt his lesson and will not be dealing or messing about with drugs, no more stealing etc. I am adopting the positive approach with him but realistically I don't believe a word he is saying (please don't say I'm being negative cos if he really means it we will start to see signs but on the other hand we have been through so much and witnessed his barefaced lies etc). We are his parents and we love him, whatever mistakes he makes but, and we have made this clear to him, any drugs found, anything stolen will result in the same course of action. I will let you know what happens on Wednesday, his 16th birthday, what a way to celebrate!!!!???? Stella xx

Hi, For those who followed the previous thread about AJ stealing OJ's games and then getting arrested for having cannabis on him and attacking us AGAIN with a metal pole, he has been charged with possession, affray and criminal damage (although the police missed out the huge chunks of plaster gouged out of our walls all the way up the stairs, landing, spare room and his room and focused on the very cheap, old, plastic garden chair that got destroyed!!). He seemed to accept his fate until yesterday when he started on me telling me to withdraw the charges or we would be ruining his life cos he would get a criminal record - he cannot see that he has done this to himself and the consequences were made very clear to him! He was very intimidating towards me, which he can't see or doesn't want to and ended up losing his part time job cos he was too angry to go (and that was all my fault as well!!). Today, amazingly he went into school (first time for several weeks) to take a science module exam and he knew we were having a meeting with SS and Youth Justice. They tried to talk to him about taking responsibility and consequences etc but he wouldn't budge from this view point that we were messing up his life by pursuing charges. Later, after going round in circles with this he got very angry, punched more holes in his wall, smashed a lamp in the lounge, DH told him to go, he went up to his room and started sobbing. I have only seen him cry maybe 3 or 4 times in his whole life and when that happens you know that he is very stressed and upset. He was supposed to have his interview for his work placement with a landscape gardener but obviously was not in a fit state so I managed to get a second chance for him. He then calmed down, sat down and we tried talking again but still not getting anywhere, other than him promising us that if we drop charges he will sort his life out but probably not until after Xmas cos he needs more time!!!!!! then phone rings and the police want him to go to station to be arrested for something that happened last saturday!!! Luckily, he was ther but not involved so did statement and was told that there wouldn't be any further action, probably! he was very calm and nice early evening but while I was upstairs with OJ in the bath, he snuck down, saw DH asleep and stole �10 from his wallet!!! So, the big question is, what do we do? If he goes to court for all the charges he will get a criminal record ( 2 charges of affray), the possession of cannabis is a lesser charge as it was only a tiny bit. If we back down he is not learning from it but if he gets a criminal record thats with him for a long time and these days it seriously affects your chances of getting any job as any employer can access the CRB and that could mean he will go further down the illegal route and the repurcussions for us as a family could be huge. But if we don't follow it through he has got away with it and we can't cope with these increasing, violent assaults on us. any advice would be appreciated, as always. Stella xx

Thanks for the support everyone - it really does help!!! The local police are organising a day out (or in) at a local prison for him - its a proper recognised scheme that in some cases helps the offender to see that life down that route is not an enjoyable one. They are also trying to get him on an outward bound weekend. I have to say the police are incredibly supportive - unlike SS who haven't bothered to get in touch AT ALL!!! We have told AJ all charges stand and if we find drugs again we will do exactly the same thing - he doesn't seem bothered by it at all. At the moment I am more concerned about the effect this is having on OJ who is struggling to understand why in his eyes nothing has been done to stop AJ. I have been intouch with victim support to see if there is counselling available but it seems to be a bit of a grey area. If anyone has any ideas please let me know. Although he is talking to some of the LSA's at school, I feel that he needs someone who understands his AS etc who can help him talk through everything. He is a victim in all this and I am worried that this could lead to another breakdown. Stella xx

Hi Sciencegeek, May I say congratulations!? As the others say, it will take time to sink in and a whole range of emotions will surface but at least now you know officially!! Glad your game arrived - enjoy!!! Stella xx

I can honestly say that I love this forum - it has enabled me to learn from other peoples experiences, be able to offer advice and make friends who understand what our lives are like. Like a few have already said, I pick and choose what to look at, depending on what is going on in my life at any particular moment and there are times when I have been in the depths of despair, I have gone into Off Topic and read something extremely funny (cos there are lots of members with the most incredible sense of humour!) and it has cheered me up! I, for one, would not be without it, warts and all!!! Stella xx

Hi, Well it all kicked off again last night!! We had told AJ if we found any drugs in the house we would hand it over to the police. He came in had his dinner and went upstairs leaving his coat in the lounge. We found a bag of cannabis and a grinder so took it and phoned the police. While DH was talking to them AJ realised what had happened and went ballistic, found another metal pole and started smashing holes in the wall in his bedroom and along the landing. We phoned 999 and he was arrested. DH went to get him at 2.00 am and he has been charged with possession, threatening behaviour and criminal damage. I haven't seen him yet, he's still asleep and am dreading any more confrontation BUT we did what we said we were going to do cos it just can't carry on like this. There is still the matter of the stolen games and he will be arrested for that in the next few days. He will obviously try and persuade us to drop the charges and I think we have to stay firm on this but it is going to be extremely difficult. Will let you know what happens. Stella xx ps. He is up in court on his 16th birthday - divine justice!!!!???

( OJ ) here, Yes, i have created a Death-Knight, they are really cool, and you will love it, remember to /w me On Killert ... Dragonblight Alliance, night.. ^^

Jsmum, They're right, you are far too important to leave us for good. Your advice has helped me on so many occasions and we want to know how things go for Jay. Stella xx

Hello, this is OJ, ( Oliver ) <'> I am sorry to hear that Wolk didnt arrive for you, and even worse that you needed it to relax, HOWEVER, When you do get it, it is worth the wait, just play some normal wow for a bit, get some food ready for your adventures and stuff. Its worth it .. BTW.. /w me in Dragon-blight alliance.. Killert is my name, and i will play with you. Hope it arrives soon, good luck, BYE!! :)

GO DS3!!!!! Fantastic - a million miles - that's going some!! I'll be watching - OJ likes to see the Dr Who special and hopefully that will be on or one unhappy OJ!!! Well done Stella xx

Thank you peeps, you made me laugh - first time today!! Stella xx

OH NO!! There must be an awful lot more sad WOWers in Bristol!!!! Don't mean to make you feel worse but OJ is playing away!! Having said that his screen keeps freezing and computer shuts down which could be cos so many people are trying to play it today. Hope it arrives tomorrow Stella xx

Thanks guys Enid that is the problem, it is just impossible for that to happen. SS aren't interested and as he is 16 in a couple of weeks I understand that they would not use foster care from then on. So what are the options????? Stella xx

Hi The sorry saga continues!!! Discovered yesterday that most of OJ's Wii games and one of his only two Xbox games (only bought a couple of weeks ago) have gone missing. AJ of course denied it - but I know he went into town on tuesday with 2 of his friends so I went in to the local game store that buys games for a trade or cash and they have it in their log that 3 of those games were sold on Tuesday and the name of the boy who signed the form is one of his mates (the only one old enough to have ID). So, straight down the police station and they will now investigate. The shop has cctv which can hopefully identify them. I know it sounds harsh but we are absolutely at the end of our tether with him - he's refusing to go to school, staying out late at night, we know he's dealing drugs - or a 'runner' I think is the expression and this is why he desperately needs money all the time. We don't want drugs in the house or any repercussions from irate parents or drug dealers and the effect it is all having on OJ is devestating. I am liaising with the local police who want to shut the drugs ring in this area and I'm naming names and doing whatever I can to get him out of it even if that means he is arrested and has to deal with those consequences. Ok, rant over!!! Have bought OJ the WOW expansion pack that came out today so at least he has something to play!! Stella xx

Hi Mumble If someone said that to me I would think that he meant looking under the surface to see what lies underneath. So for example if you were going to your doctor with a pain in your stomach he would mean looking for something that wasn't obvious as a cause. Does that make sense?!!!!!! I'm not sure myself now!! But it is a bit of an unusual one. Hopefully someone else with have some clues Stella xx

Good luck Sciencegeek - hope all goes well today. Have just downloaded the WOW expansion for OJ for when he gets home from school!!! He has been counting the days for what seems like a year!!! Stella x

Hi Av, At the secondary school where my boys are (and where I work as an LSA) it works pretty much the same way. OJ may have several LSA's in any day but because we all know the needs of every individual child we are able to tailor the support we give. It may be helping to encourage a child to work in a pair or small group activity which they would not be able to manage themselves or would end up being excluded from the group because the other children don't understand them. We are not just there to support the actual academic learning and sometimes we are working in top sets because the children are academically bright. If they have a statement then we are supporting them for what is in their statement and helping the teachers understand their problems cos obviously we know the children far better than teachers who may only see them once or twice a week! Hope that helps Stella xx

I have just pm'd you but just wanted to say well done Connor and you. Hopefully it will have been a good experience today and Connor will reflect on that tomorrow and be ready to back thursday. Little steps!!! Stella xx

Clare, Thinking of you and Connor!!! Please report back later Stella xx

Enid, that sounds like a step in the right direction and you're sounding like you are in control! You have the knowledge and experiences to use and some support behind you. Keep us posted!!! Stella xx

JsMum, What an awful night!!! AND you've not only survived it you are positive about the way you handled the situation and gained some strength from it - what an amazing mum you are <'> We're all here for you. Stella xx

Well, firstly thanks Clare for the posting last night AND for coming to the event not having actually met any of us!!!! <'> <'> There were 13 acts and OJ was not only the youngest but also the only boy!!! He was incredibly nervous beforehand especially when they did a run through of all the acts for a sound check, every time someone sang he whispered to me 'they're much better than me'. Being objective, he was as good if not better, most of the girls were pushing their voices too hard, resulting in some screeching and bad notes. Anyway he sang his heart out, didn't win but knew he had achieved something good and positive from the experience. He won't give up and we all know he will get better and better - remember the name Oliver Joseph cos he will be famous!!!!!!!!!! I am now celebrating with a LARGE vodka and coke And again thank you Clare for being brave and meeting our chaotic family!!!! Stella xxxx

I have a recipe for brownies that my grandmother used and they don't go in the oven!!! AND they are sooooo delicious!!! Might post it if you're interested!!! Stella xx

Hi, Well, SS really pulled out all the stops (I don't think!). After realising that AJ was assessed last december as a child in need and required imediate assistance with education, support for chalenging behaviour, a multi agency plan and regular respite for us (none of which happened) they put this meeting together yesterday. The duty manager had phoned me and said they would like names and addresses of school, police and his private psychiatrist which I gave her and I then found out that no one had received an invitation! I organised for the deputy head of school to come, I spoke to the police and bless them they turned up anyway without their invitation. It was too late for the psychiatrist but he wrote an in depth report for me to take. SS were supposed to invit HOPE which are an alternative to school and can provide a range of services, but they didn't!! So, after going through the catalogue of events that have happened since december they turned round and said well what do you want us to do? You are obviously coping!!!! The school and the youth justice people were brilliant and apparently myself and DH put up a good argument so the result is that they are going to put together another plan concentrating on education and respite. We have said it is up to them to find somewhere for him to go full time until next June when he can legally leave school. It hasn't worked reducing his timetable at school cos he is still bunking off and choosing when to go in and when he isn't there he's getting drawn deeper into whatever illegal activities with all the other losers who are wandering about. And of course he has access to the house when we're at work which is such a worry as he steals. I think the difference now is that I have a better understanding of how SS operate and this time I am going to keep on their backs the whole time!! Keep bombarding them with calls to make sure that things do happen. I will write more about this but I am just too tired now - need to recharge the batteries (if I get the chance!) Waiting to hear how Enid got on today too. Stella xx

We get this with OJ, particularly if he hasn't had his prozac for a couple of days. I now just have to pretend to wind down a large volume control knob with my hand and he knows that means he is talking too loud. My DH on the other hand jsut shouts at him, like that is really going to work isn't it?!!!!! Stella x