loulou

Hi, Well, I managed to tell Kai on Friday that he wouldn't be coming home this weekend. He cried and cried, it was the worst thing i've ever had to do. His class teacher was in the room and she was lovely. He said he understood, but to be honest i don't think he did. I sent his mobile phone with him, which now i'm wondering whether that was a mistake. He keeps phoning me and sending me texts saying "Take me home" and "I hate it here". I feel terrible and i haven't slept for the last 2 nights so i'm not thinking straight at all. I drove down to my sisters last night so she's been looking after me. I feel numb. Earlier i told him he HAD to stay there all weekend. He said he was going to smash his phone up and then the phone just went dead. I haven't heard anything since. Now i don't know whether to call the foster carer or just leave it. I'm sure she'll call me if there's a problem. I phoned her last night and she said he'd been crying a bit but had eaten and had talked to her quite a bit. She sounds very caring and she's been fostering for 20 years, so i'm sure she's used to it. I don't know if he's playing me up to make me feel bad, or if he's really unhappy. I suppose ANY child would feel home sick in a strangers house. I have never felt so confused and torn in my life. Part of me wants to go and get him and hold him like a baby, the other half of me knows this is the only option. This is all like a terrible dream i wish i could wake up from. Sorry if i've upset anyone by sharing my troubles. I don't know what i'd do without this forum. Thanks for all the hugs, Loulou xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Hi, Following my previous thread about Kai being arrested, it has now been decided that he should go into temporary Foster Care. I have been asking SS for help for so long, but they haven't listened to me. Now it's come to a crisis point and i can no longer have him in the house due to his extreme aggression and violence towards me and his baby brother. I phoned SS Monday and told them I couldn't have him back, and it's taken them until today to sort out a carer. Unfortunately Kai does not yet know, and SS have left it to ME and the school to tell him in the morning . I don't know how i'm going to tell him. He is still my baby and i love him to bits, but we can't carry on like this. Something serious will happen if i have him home again. I feel so guilty. I have just packed his things and now i feel terrible. He'll be so confused. The foster carer sounds nice and she's had 20 years of experience, so hopefully they'll get on. Wish me luck for tomorrow, i'm going to the school at 11.30 to tell him he'll be going home somewhere else for the weekend . Loulou xx

Hi Cat, What you said really sums things up. SS won't send Kai to the residential school now as they will have to foot the bill. Next September he is due to go to high school, and as there are no suitable schools in our county, education will be paying for him to go. Our social worker is totally useless, she can't get past the fact that Kai is "ok" at school but not at home. The school are fed up with telling her that this is common with AS children. Basically they're taking the easy/cheapest way out by putting him in Foster Care. I feel that they are setting him up to fail (again) as he will get so distressed and won't cope. On a more positive note, my Dad has now got our local MP involved, so i'm waiting for him to call. Maybe he can do something. Loulou xx

Hi, Well, the weekend did not inprove at all. Kai was in a rage the whole time. Any little thing set him off into major meltdown/tantrum. He ended up attacking my Dad (who is 6ft tall), kicking me and punching me in the back (still in pain from it now), tearing my baby's comfort teddy to shreds ( ) and screaming abuse at my neigbours for cutting their hedge (he liked the patterns the branches made). This was on top of his usual constant verbal abuse and aggression. My partner was on nights so he was tucked up asleep in his flat (lucky him). I had to call the police out again as I had to barracade myself and the baby in a bedroom whilst Kai was trying to kick the door in to get to us. They didn't do anything that time, but said they would call SS to take him if he did anything else ( ). It's so hard to know what to do in this situation. Arresting him is not the answer, but i can't live like this anymore. I feel in such a state i didn't go in to work today or yesterday. I have spoken to the Social Worker and told her I am not having Kai back in the house after school on Friday. I feel really guilty, as he can't help it, but i can't put myself and my baby/unborn baby at risk anymore. They said they are going to look for an emergency foster placement for him. I dread to think what he'll be feeling when they tell him he can't come back home. I'm going to keep on fighting for a place in the specialsist residential school. He's got a place for NEXT september, but i want hin there now so he gets the help he needs. I'll keep you updated, loulou xxxx

Hi all, Today has been a total disaster. Spent half the day arguing with useless Social Worker about why putting Kai into foster care won't work. He needs to go to specialist residential school NOW (he's been given a place for 1 year's time). SS can't seem to understand why I can't cope with Kai, as I "only" have him at weekends and holidays. I 've explained to them until i'm blue in the face that he's so stressed at his current school, he lets it all out when he comes home at the weekend. They can't seem to grasp this fact at all. I also have to cope with a toddler and i'm 4 months pregnant too. Anyway, he came home from school at 3pm in his usual "stressed out" mode. I went out in the garden with the little one to let Kai calm down in the house. Things then went totally pear-shaped as i had "dared" to move something in his room whilst putting stuff away. He went totally crazy and was throwing missiles at me in the garden. I had to run into the house with my toddler for our safety as he was hurling anything he could, including bricks. I locked the patio door as he was right behind us in a full rage. He then proceeded to throw missiles at the patio door, cracking it. I warned him i'd phone the police but he carried on. He then picked up a spade and began trying to bash through the door with the spade. I was really frightened so i called the police. He managed to bash his way through the door and turn the key to let himself in. I had to run into the front garden and lock the door. It was horrififc. The police came and arrested him for criminal damage and he's spent the last 4 hours in a cell. My Dad has just brought him home and he's very hyper, almost excited. I couldn't handle it so i've sent him to my parents for the night. I feel awful that he's been arrested. I know he can't help it, but i can't live in constant fear of what he might do to me/my baby/my house. The police were really understanding. Now i don't know what to do. I can't carry on like this. All Kai's health professionals are recommending he goes to residential school now, but SS are saying no. They seem to be in control of the situation. Loulou xx

Hi, My son is 10 and has AS and ADHD. His room is a total pig sty. He told me he likes it messy because he knows where everything is ( ). He has become increasingly hostile to me tidying it up. In fact the last two times i have tidied it, he's kicked off big time and physically attacked me and then trashed the place. He's put post-it notes all over his door saying "Do not tidy" and "Do not make my room horrible by tidying it". I've tried to get him to tidy it with me, but he's not having any of it. At the moment i'm in a no-win situation, so i have shut the door and given up! loulou xx

Hi everyone, I haven't been around for ages (again). I've been struggling so much with things and just haven't been up to "chatting". That sounds daft really, as the forum has always been a great source of support. Kai's behaviour has spiralled out of control. He has become increasingly violent and destructive. He is really verbally abusive to me at the moment. Things got so bad last week, I actually drove off in my car and left him in the house. He was trashing the place and i'd had enough. I phoned SS and told them i'd left him in the house (he's 10), and they told me i'd be arrested for leaving him!!!! Anyway, that seemed to do the trick as they have now starting giving me respite. It only took them 5 years to arrange . The LEA have also agreed that Kai can go to residential school next September, but i'm fighting them for it to earlier as i can't cope anymore. My little one is 18 mnoths now (no signs of AS or ADHD yet). He is a little sweet heart. I spend most of my time trying to protect him from Kai's behaviour, which is really hard. I'm also expecting another baby in February, which was a massive shock. I don't know how i'm going to manage with 3 of them . Anyway, i'm off now as my eyelids are getting very heavy and i need to try to get Kai to go to bed. He's going swimming with his carers tomorrow. Hope eveyone is ok, loulou xxxxxxxxxx .

Hi everyone, Thanks for the support <'> . I feel terrible today. Mostly due to what my baby has been through, but i feel so sad for Kai as he feels so guilty. I sent him back to school today, even though he's not really well enough. I just needed the space to think. SS have been round and weren't much use (when are they ever?). I have to keep the children seperate, so that means shipping the baby out to his Dad or my parents. I really want him with me, but Kai won't go anywhere so i don't have any choice Maybe it has taken this to happen for people to finally listen to me and give us some help. I've been screaming out to them for years . Take care, Loulou xxxxxxxxx

Hi, I live in Hertfordshire too, so if i can be of any assistance, feel free to pm me. My son has AS and ADHD. Loulou

Hi, Today has been the worst day of my life. I'm still shaking from it all now. I have Kai off school with a chest infection. This morning one of my cats caught a baby bird and Kai was running around the garden in the rain screaming about it. I put the baby in the lounge and went outside to sort it out. We came in after a few minutes and the baby had managed to get hold of one of Kai's precious model planes and had snapped a wheel off it. Kai is totally obsessed with planes at the moment. He went completely crazy and kicked the baby in the chest (he is only 16 months old). I shouted to Kai to stop, but before i could do anything he did it again really hard. I went to grab the baby and Kai kicked him full force in the face . The baby was screaming and bleeding from his mouth. Kai was still trying to hit the baby so I ran upstairs with him and into his room. It was so awful. Kai was trying to kick the door in to get to him and was screaming like a wild animal. I was so frightened and worried about the baby that i called 999. I have never had to do this before. The police and ambulance came really quickly and they were really good. Not judgemental at all. I've spent half the day at the hospital. Thankfully the baby only has bruising and a fat lip. Poor little thing, i feel terrible. Social Services wanted to take them both into emergency foster care, but the police were happy for the baby to go to my mum's and Kai to stay with me. I can't believe this has happened. I feel so bad for my baby, but i also feel bad for Kai as he can't control his temper and it's getting worse. He's written a letter to the baby tonight and it's really sad. He must be feeling terrible too. I don't know what's going to happen now. SS are coming over in the morning. Good night, Loulou xxxxx

Hi Enid, Sorry you're having a tough time. I just wanted to share with you that my son (Kai) is being like that at the moment too. He's been like it all week. I don't know if it's because it's half term and he's lost he's very rigid school routine. I was saying to my parents today that it's as if he hasn't had his meds. He's as high as a kite and is totally on another planet. He's been throwing random objects about and has totally smashed up my garden , for no apparent reason. He's got an "evil"l ook about him aswell, and it's really scaring me. Thankfully he hasn't asked to go out to play, as God only knows what might happen . Lets hope they both calm down soon Hugs <'> loulou xxxxxxxx

Hi, Thanks everyone for your replies. I felt much better reading them, I have really missed the support the forum provides <'> <'> Kai's behaviour is still totally out of control , but somehow i've managed to survive it. Last night I actually felt like putting him in the car and dropping him off in the middle of a field somewhere (thank goodness I didn't). This evening he's calmed down a bit and is on his playstation. I know he's stressed because he's been repeating the same phrase all day (very rude unfortunately!). He's still doing his "funny eye" tics too. Have phoned SS, but the social worker was "out of the office". No surprise there I've also written to the LEA as they have put on his Annual Review that "current provision remains appropriate". I have said that it is NOT appropriate and that I want him to go to an AS specific school. I'm sure they'll say no straight away, but i'm ready to battle. Thanks again for the replies, it really helped, Loulou xx

Hi everyone, I haven't posted much at all lately as i've really been struggling with Kai and looking after the baby too. I also went back to work, which is more stressful than ever (good old NHS eh?!). Kai's behaviour has become increasingly difficult to manage in the last few months, I don't know if it's due to his age (9 1/2 now), or because he's finding school difficult. He had his annual review a few weeks ago and the Head said that the school has educated him, but not addressed his AS (it's an EBD school). The school has done really well with Kai, considering he was un-teachable this time 3 years ago. However, he really needs more specialist help with his AS. He's been self harming and although his meltdowns seem less frequent now, they are much more intense. He also talks about some really disturbing things, mostly linked to violence and death. He's also developed a new facial tic, which is his most noticable one yet. He rolls his eyes up and to the left in a really bizzare way. He does it pretty often and whether i'm looking at him or not. The school have commented on it too. He also is swearing ALOT and for no apparent reason. He was swearing away to himself in the bath the other night. I asked him why he keeps swearing and he said it sounds "nice". He keeps saying the "F" word in a really weird high pitched voice. I'm starting to wonder if he has Tourettes? We're waiting to see a Psychiatrist at GOS, so hopefully they will be able to help. I'm really at my wits end now, as i have no control over him at all. He won't get dressed, he will only eat when he wants and what he wants, he won't leave the house and he won't go to bed. I've ended up going to bed before him as i'm exhausted. He's also started being mean to his baby brother and he's pushed him over and hit him a few times. I really feel now that i don't want him in the house anymore. That sounds really awful, but i've had enough. I went to see an AS residential school last week and it was fabulous. I could really see Kai fitting in there. He's not due to move schools until 2009, but i've decided to battle with the LEA to move him now, before he gets any worse. I'm off to bed now, the baby's teething and I know i'm going to be up in the night! I've missed you all, Loulou xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Hi, You could also try this website: ENTITLED TO It works out exactly which benefits and how much you can get depending on your income and circumstances. It's very helpful. Loulou xx

So sad to hear this news. Phasmid gave me some great advice when i was going through hard times. There are too few people in the world as kind and caring as he was. My thoughts are with you and your family Mrs P <'> . Loulou xx

Hi everyone, I haven't posted for months and i've really missed you all <'> <'> . The last time i posted i was having trouble with Kai's behaviour and it has really been getting to me. I was really struggling to cope with looking after him and a new baby. I got so low that i couldn't speak to anyone, even online. However, i'm now back in the land of the living (well just about!), thanks to antidepressants. I didn't want to go back on them, but i'm glad i did as now i'm managing things better and Kai's behaviour has improved. My little bubba turned 1 last week and he is a really cheeky little thing . We also have 2 new additions to our family, 2 little rabbits called Cosmo and Momo (named by Kai). They are really cute and fluffy and were going to be house rabbits but Kai is allergic to them so they are outside. We have also just moved house (again) and i've been without internet access for a month, so i've been desperate to get back to the forum. We have finally got our "forever house", with 3 bedrooms and a big garden in a really nice area. The house is in a bad state, but i don't care because i know it will be lovely once it's finished. I hope everyone is ok, i think i'll need a few weeks to read all your posts to catch up on what's been going on. Sooooo glad to be back, Loulou.

Hi Bard, I'm not sleeping well, but that's partly as the baby is still in with me. We're waiting for a 3 bedroom house. Kai has been pretty passive at school, but recently he's been getting very defiant. He argues with the teachers and refuses to do some of the work. He won't work in pairs or groups, only alone. He says he doesn't like anyone at school, but i think he'd be like that anywhere. Four out of the six children in his class are ASD. I just feel totally down trodden now. Hopefully something will be done before he gets any worse. Loulou xx

Hi everyone, I haven't been around much lately. Partly as i am busy with my little bubba, and partly as i've been having such a hard time with Kai. I don't know if it's his age (he's just turned 9), but he's become SO defiant and oppositional lately. He is trying to control EVERY aspect of his life (and everyone elses). He boards at school Monday to Friday and then i have him home for the weekends and holidays. Every weekend has become a nightmare and i absolutely dread him coming home now. This behaviour started off when i was in hospital having my baby. I was very poorly and the baby was premature, so Kai was left at home being looked after by various family members and my partner (who's not his Dad and is not used to looking after him). I don't think he's jealous of the baby. Half the time he chats to him and plays with him and the rest of the time he doesn't acknowledge his existence. This is how Kai is with everybody. These are the new "behaviours": He refuses to get dressed at the weekends and stays in his PJs all the time He refuses to leave the house He refuses to go to bed when i tell him He will only eat WHAT he wants WHEN he wants Constant swearing for no apparent reason Answering back all the time Obsessions more intense Lots of talk about suicide and violence On top of this, he has become increasingly violent towards me. If i ask him to do something he doesn't want to or if i tell him off he threatens me or kicks off (big time). He went for me with a knife because i accidentally broke one of his drinking glasses and he tried to push me down the stairs because i told him to go to bed. I don't know what's making him like this, and when i ask him he says "I don't know" or "I like it". I'm now getting to the point where i can't take much more of this. I feel so low and i am becoming depressed again. I just seem to have no control over him anymore and i don't know what to do. Last week his clinical psychologist came to my house when Kai was at school, so i told her what's been happening. She said she thinks it's anxiety that's making Kai act like this. They are referring us to CSF, although i don't know what they can do to help. I've been asking them for the last 5 years to help but they haven't done anything. He seems ok at school, but the psychologist thinks that although his educational needs are being met there, his emotional needs are not. He's in an EBD school. The psychologist thinks he needs to be an AS residential school, but i don't think the LEA will be prepared to pay up. I know it sounds really mean, but i can't wait for him to go to school tomorrow. I actually can't stand him being in the house at the moment . Help . Loulou xx

Hi, I bought this book a few years back and it's been my ADHD "bible". I often refer back to it. Loulou x

Hi xevex, I'm really glad you had a good day and saw your son. It must have been nice to give him a hug <'>. for today, hope it went well. Loulou xx

Hi xevex, <'> <'> I really hope your meeting goes well. Don't blame yourself or feel guilty, you've done everything you possibly could (and more). My son is only 9 (ADHD/AS) and he is really violent. I am losing control over him and he's so defiant. I am considering residential school for him becuause I am struggling to cope. It breaks my heart, but on the other hand i am frightened of what he may do (i am on my own with him and my baby 90% of the time) and I think he'll get worse as he gets older. I really feel for you . Keep us informed, Loulou xx

Hi everyone, I have just read this article in yesterday's Sunday Times. It's terrible. I don't really know what else to say . Shock Tactics Loulou xx

Hi Hev, Hope this school is the right one <'> . How is Steven today? I have to name a secondary school for Kai's statement and it's not easy. I think i'll be travelling round the whole country looking! Then it will be a battle with the LEA . Hope the visit goes well, Loulou xx

Hi, Haven't been around for a while, but just "popped in" tonight for a catch up. This topic is one i feel really strongly about. I TOTALLY agree with Bid that these "threats" should be taken seriously. My son is 9 and he's been talking about ending his life on and off since he was 5. I was told the same by CAMHS as Bid was (same CAMHS too!). He talks about wanting to die and has also run in the road, has BEGGED me to kill him, has tried to get hold of tablets and most recently he bit his way through a live electrical cable . Sometimes he talks about wanting to die after a meltdown, but sometimes it comes out of the blue. He too says that he would prefer it in heaven. When i tell him i'd be really sad if he died, he says it doesn't matter because he wouldn't know i'd be sad as he would be dead. He also says life is too difficult and he never wants to be an adult as he thinks it will be too stressful. I am very worried about him. I don't neccessarily think he'll carry out his threats, but it worries me that he feels so bad about life. Maybe it's his way of expressing how he feels. I think you should mention it to the Paed/GP and the school. Maybe there is something at school that's really bothering him? All the best, Loulou xxx

Hi, We moved house just over a year ago and it was very stressful for Kai (he was 8 then). Thankfully my Dad came and decorated Kai's room straight away, but it had to be EXACTLY the same as his old room. Try e-bay for the wallpaper border (that's what i did!), or you could try a "Choice" shop if you have one near you (they sell discontinued next stuff and seconds). I think your son will settle, it just takes time <'> , Loulou xxx