Wardie

Hi Shona What you are describing is so familiar! <'> We've (DH and me) been discussing how we handle the situation. You might want to look at the cant see this getting any better, we re all miserable thread - lots of good ideas there. I'm rapidly coming to the conclusion that we stress too much about correct completion of homework and we should let our DS just do what he thinks he needs to do and leave it at that. Also that we should try a cuddle rather than getting cross when he says he can't do it. Wise words! A definite aim when he gets back from sailing this week! Best of luck

Hi I don't know about siblings - only the one child - but I do wonder about parents. I think my husband may have AS - or certainly many of the traits. I display some behaviours, but I suspect not enough to register if we even went for a diagnosis.

Smiley <'> <'> <'> <'> I find it so hard to believe anyone can be so appalingly insensitive and unprofessional. Also difficult to understand how a head this awful gets to be a head. Definitely copy your letter to chair of governors (possibly not to the rest of the governors because it gets really complicated if you end up actually complaining about the head (or fighting suspension) and all the governors know the story - means there's no-one impartial for a tribunal). Do you have copies of the school's SEN policy? You can ask for it at the school office. If you find you have to write more letters, it's always good to quote the school's own policy at them, means the governors also have to take note. I know what you mean about getting cross with M - it's so hard because we are supposed to support the school and I have always done this, regardless of whether I agreed with them - but in this case your son is reacting to the way he is being treated. He can't help it, is even able to understand his actions are incorrect later. In this case I'm inclined to think a cuddle is probably the right reaction. I really hope you can resolve the problems with the head - maybe he just needs educating (no pun intended!). Is there another member of staff you can have a chat with who might intervene?

Hi Sarah First of all <'> <'> <'> <'> <'> <'> I don't know whether we just got lucky, but whilst there are odd triggers for my DS, major meltdowns are rare. We have always put it down to strict adherance to routines from almost the time he was born. My friends / family could never understand why, when we got together for weekends or holidays we would always insist on J having meals / bedtime etc at exactly the same time when other kids just went with the flow. Breaks from routine, or failure to prepare for change caused him such distress that we just fell into following his natural routines and not varying them. Same with food, clothing textures, I'm sure there's others. We would sometimes push the boundaries a little to see if he was ready to move on, but without pressure. As he's got older (10 now) things are easier, but it's been a slog. We've only got the one so maybe it was easier. Don't know if this helps in any way at all. Good luck with the assessment.

Sorry, I was joking about the 'mild' bit. I really should have thought first. I did understand you and appreciate the insight from someone who lives with autism / AS.

Wow! I do that- I just thought I was clumsy - I fall up, down, through and under anything and constantly sport bruises. I thought it was my weight - but actually I've probably always done it. Maybe that's what J does. Although some stairs are definitely more a problem for him than others and I can do any stairs as long as I'm watching where I'm going>. What coping mechanisms do you use? Is this a common AS characteristic? Forgive me I can't remember - are you dyspraxic? Could this be dyspraxia? BTW I wouldn't class myself as having AS - however when I look at my son's behaviours it seems to me that he took a combination of me and my DH and made him. I am known for outspokenness (very un-female especially at school), make good eye-contact and know when I've upset someone - although I don't seem to be able to not say the words! Hmm - just read the previous paragraph - I think all it proves is that I don't really understand AS. Sorry, I don't mean to offend, I just mean that whilst I have always been different, the differences haven't been enough to cause real problems. Similarly for DH. We got through school, bit battered but achieved just fine and have professional careers in IT. J seems to multiply our "mild" (sorry couldn't help it!) problems to ones that really impact him. Dear me! talk about rambling! I'll stop now.

It didn't even occur to me to question whether homework might be negotiable! J's school is really very good with him and open to frank discussions, I might just raise it next time we meet with them and see what options there are. I do have secondary school to think of, and want to form habits, but sometimes it really doesn't seem worth the effort. Thanks for the tips

J went sailing on the Isle of Wight today for 4 nights - I jump every time the phone rings! fingers crossed! Thanks for the insight to the differences between autism and AS. I'm still learning, these debates (mild or otherwise ) really help understanding.

I can't believe how timely all the posts are today! Thank you everyone! Homework a huge problem in our house too. In fact it probably causes more melt downs, and loss of our tempers than anything else! I understand DS's anxiety about the homework, but don't seem to handle it well. Does anyone have any tips for staying calm and keeping him focused? We have a planner and homework comes home written on slips, so no problem knowing what to do - it's the grief to get him started and get the task finished. Sorry to hi-jack the thread for my problems too.

Isn't it amazing how sometimes things just come together? My sister has been telling me about her daughter who, although very bright is slipping at school. Turns out that her eyes aren't seeing all words, something about one eye skipping words so that she reads what she sees but it doesn't make any sense because she is missing bits! I'm not sure if this is the same thing as you are describing? I have also been questioning my DS's perception as aged 10 he still struggles with some stairs, as if he just can't see where to put his feet. Does anyone know if this is part of the same thing? Ally

Hi Louisa I remember doing what you have done when I was trying to find answers - I searched all the web sites - and I also remember one of the doctors suggsting 'mild aspergers' - and thinking that there was nothing mild about my DS at all! In actual fact he ticks almost all the boxes for AS. Hopefully you'll find youll get a lot of support from this site, whether or not you get a dx - I know I do. Just reading everyone's mails makes me realise I'm not alone and I have already gained a great many coping tips from reading the various threads. I'm a very new member too, but welcome and I look forward to hearing from you as you go through the tortuous route of dx and beyond. <'> Ally

Found

<'> <'> <'> <'> <'> to all of you! <'> <'> <'>

Thanks everyone who replied. I'll read the thread. Didn't think to check first - sorry

I was walking in the garden centre today with my husband when we saw a little boy who can only have been about 4 with a t-shirt that read "I'm not naughty - I have autism", from the NAS. It made us stop and think. I'm not sure I'd be keen to tell people who might not understand but at the same time I can see it might prevent people interfering when there was a meltdown. It comes back to whether or not to label your child. I just wondered what other people thought.

Ooh difficult. Sounds like the boy's mum is so used to her son's behaviour she doesn't really see situations from the outside any more, especially if she didn't explain clearly to the boy that he mustn't do that. I've certainly seen that sort of behaviour at crossings with my son, (although not to the extent of hitting anyone!) As has been said, lucky it was you!

It was so good to read these posts. This scenario is my real fear when my son goes to secondary school next year. I was wondering about the possibility of getting teachers to write down homework in some way as even in year 6 getting homework completed is a nightmare. His current school provides slips but are trying to encourage use of homework diaries in advance of next year. I will be really interested to hear how it works out for you and which strategies work. Best of luck Ally

My heart goes out to you. It's difficult enough to have a child with ASD, let alone two - certainly 2 parents pulling in the same direction makes things a lot easier - both so you have someone to talk to as well as the clear messages your sons need. <'> <'> However, not getting your younger son diagnosed won't solve your marital problems, and it won't help you handle your son. It could be your DS2 is just reacting to your older son's behaviour - but a professional will help you work it through. If you get a diagnosis, your husband may accept from a professional what he won't accept from you, I think you need to pursue it anyway becuase if your son is aspergers he will need all the help he can get and in my experience, that is mostly forthcoming when there is a diagnosis - especially when he starts school. I can see how hard it is though to do this on your own, I hope you find a resolution that works for you all. Wardie

Hi Anna Thanks for your answer. The Ed Psych is seeing him some time this term, and I am told his primary SENCO works closely with the SENCO at the new school. - will find out soon I guess. When you say social stories - School do them with him - where can I get others? Part of our problem is that neither of us is great at social interaction (definite ASD traits in both of us) so I don't know how to make them up. What did you use?

Thanks Pearl, all really good suggestions. His primary is very good with him and have promised support leading up to transition, I hope the secondary is as good. I'll talk to them about some of your suggestions once his entry is confirmed. You're right about conformance. Whilst I wouldn't want him to be a sheep, there are times when I wince at just how bluntly he expresses his own opinions. I remember being the same - and am not sorry now, but as you say - the hardest time!

Hi Eva We had a problem a couple of years ago where my son's confidence suddenly plummeted and he was miserable - led to lots of arguments and nothing was right. Took the best part of the year to realise the root of the problem was his teacher. She didn't really understand (or even like him) and had somehow managed to make him think he was useless at literacy (he has a better vocabulary than most adults and reads all books avidly). He took that as he was useless at everything and it was all downhill from there! Once I realised the root we were able to deal with his worries and his confidence improved. His teacher the following year was light years ahead in handling him and his school results at the end of that year were outstanding. You said in your first post you thought it might be school, it was in our case - maybe worth digging some more?

My year 6 son was diagnosed with Aspergers last year, his behaviour was different from other children but didn't cause us a probem so we only pursued a diagnosis when it became clear that he was likely to struggle at secondary school. We have always managed hs behavious and routine vary carefully, so meltdows at home are rare, he knows the rules and routine and is a loving, ougoing child who is not a problem at home. School too are careful to manage change and support his needs for clear rules so he is doing fine in the classroom. The problems come in unstructured peer group interactions - break time, school clubs, school holiday clubs especially. He finds these situations unsettling and so overreacts to little provocation. I'm really worried what will happen in the free-format of secondary school where things change every hour Has anyone got any tips for things we can do to prepare for next year? I'm worried that he doesn't hesitate to challenge anyone (even if much older than him) when they break his perceptions of any rule. And he doesn't mince his words! Add this to the constant change, I think he will be anxious much of the time and so easily upset at little provocation. I need to help him but since he doesn't see himself as the problem, he doesn't see why he should change his behaviour. Any tips that have worked for any of you would be appreciated. Thanks Wardie

Hi All I have 1 son, in year 6 diagnosed last year with Aspergers. He finds it helpful to have the 'label', becuase others make more allowances for him. He has always been somewhat different from other children, but we didn't pursue a diagnosis until it became clear that he was going to have problems at secondary school. I found this forum when I was looking for other parents to talk to about managing behaviour when I am not present. I look forward to chatting