How do I stop it becoming negative

[bramblebrae]

Hi my DS (7 ASD) has not been able to learn to ride a bike yet, we've not tried for awhile now as it got to frustrating for both of us. Anyway the other day a little lad rode past on his bike and DS noticed his jumper was a school nursery jumper and after a second he said he's only in nursery and he can do that. To be honest he looked surprised more than anything about it he wasn't upset then but I'm afraid this will become more and more apparent he already knows his one little friend who is a year younger roams about the streets and goes to the local shop on his own whereas I don't let DS and he told me the other day he wouldn't go to the shop on his own til he's 20 even if there weren't any roads to cross as he would be scared and feel too alone. He is becoming very dependant on just me as he often insists that I'm the one with him as opposed to granny (who he has spent alot of time with) or any other family member. Luckily it's never been a problem once he's in school through school gates he just forgets me really (2 waves goodbye in 3 years of school )

What I'm trying to ask is I feel like there is trouble brewing and he's already been upset about the future and feeling like he dosen't have one, which threw me for six, because it came out of nowhere when he said all that. I can only see it getting worse as he becomes more and more aware of his differences and difficulties. For those who have gone before - did this happen with your children was there an age when the suddenly became aware? What can I do to help him?

 

thanks

Lorraine

[DaisyProudfoot]

I don't know if Martin is aware that his differences may hold him back (he's ten). He does say things like: "I'll never be in top set like my brothers because I'm stupid" (which he isn't) but he's got to the point now where he knows things will be different for him and he looks at how well celebrities with AS are doing and reckons he'll turn out ok. I do get upset when he says things like: "I wish I was dead" and "I'm so depressed" but what we do is make him focus on the skills he is good at like computer games (Bill Gates started out like that and he's a billionaire), he's very good at Maths (look at Einstein) etc etc.

 

One of my older sons is dyspraxic - he's 13 and still can't ride a bike - he just doesn't have the balance. When he was younger it bothered him but now he just says: "I'm dyspraxic - born clumsy - I'll probably never ride a bike." and shrugs it off. Again he has talents in other directions.

 

When your child gets down about his shortcomings just boost him up with his positive skills whether that's as a loyal friend or a top notch Playstation gamer.

[oxgirl]

Hi my DS (7 ASD) has not been able to learn to ride a bike yet, we've not tried for awhile now as it got to frustrating for both of us. Anyway the other day a little lad rode past on his bike and DS noticed his jumper was a school nursery jumper and after a second he said he's only in nursery and he can do that. To be honest he looked surprised more than anything about it he wasn't upset then but I'm afraid this will become more and more apparent he already knows his one little friend who is a year younger roams about the streets and goes to the local shop on his own whereas I don't let DS and he told me the other day he wouldn't go to the shop on his own til he's 20 even if there weren't any roads to cross as he would be scared and feel too alone. He is becoming very dependant on just me as he often insists that I'm the one with him as opposed to granny (who he has spent alot of time with) or any other family member. Luckily it's never been a problem once he's in school through school gates he just forgets me really (2 waves goodbye in 3 years of school )

What I'm trying to ask is I feel like there is trouble brewing and he's already been upset about the future and feeling like he dosen't have one, which threw me for six, because it came out of nowhere when he said all that. I can only see it getting worse as he becomes more and more aware of his differences and difficulties. For those who have gone before - did this happen with your children was there an age when the suddenly became aware? What can I do to help him?

 

thanks

Lorraine

 

 

Hi,

 

I'm sure everyone will tell you a different story about their child, but for me, my son is nearly 13, and is really only now realizing that he is different and 'odd' or 'weird' or whatever. It's almost a sudden realization that, 'hold on a minute, I haven't got any friends'!! - kind of thing. Before, he was pretty oblivious really to it.

 

As I say, he's 13 next month, and he has a terror of being on his own and, therefore, has absolutely no independence. It will be several more years before we're able to leave him in the hosue and pop to the shop and probably several more years after that before he would consider venturing out to the shop on his own. He is very able and intelligent, but just has no confidence, I suppose, and feels very vulnerable on his own. It's probably the result of a life-time of helpers and assistants that makes him so dependant on having someone with him at all times. It is very scary and we do often wonder if he'll still be trotting to the shops with us when he's 30!

 

Then again I know loads of AS kids who are out playing with their friends, so it could be totally different for you and your son. <'>

 

~ Mel ~

[Frangipani]

Hi Lorraine,

 

My son also never managed a bike either, unfortunately it is just too hilly around here, he did alright for a while on a smaller bike with trainers and eventually were able to remove these supports. But, then he grew quite quickly and his over enthusiastic father went out and bought him a bigger adult size bike, he came screaming out of control down our hill and almost smashed into my car. He never got on a bike again after that.

 

I spoke with my sons Paediatrician about it, with my son riding a bicycle and he said frankly we have lost a couple of kids meaning 'our kids' special needs kids he was referring to on bicycles, so I decided then and there I wouldnt get the bike out again, we ended putting them all out for collection one council pick up.

 

Now I wish I wasnt that drastic. I wish today I could get my son involved in a bicycle riding club, and if I could do it all over again, I would have persisted and gone to a bicycle riding school with my son, there are many of them in the local paper or phone book. There are some wonderful bike tracks around here, and it is a very social thing, they have clubs and meet up as a group to ride.

 

So, we really need to be careful with our decisions. So it is really up to you and having a plan, and communicating with your child about the dangers, but, I feel I made the wrong decision.

 

Its not to late though, I may take my son to a riding school, as I feel it would boost his confidence.

 

Just something to think about.

 

F xx <'>

Edited October 14, 2006 by Frangipani

[bramblebrae]

Thanks for all your replies. It does give me alot to think about. As far as the actual bike riding goes I think we do have to keep trying every now and again- the lack of motivation from him dosen't help and I don't want to regret pushing him into it later but to be honest I can't see it going well cause last try after 5 mins he got it going but then cycled into a bush on the flat and that was it tears and howlers of I'm not doing that again replaced the big happy smiles of actually getting the wheels to turn. Anyway i wil try a nice big flat park with wide paths and see how it goes. I'm still waiting on a OT referral to discuss these type of motor issues cause they seem to be getting worse not better or if its from another side we're also waiting on a re referral to the clinical psych department cause a big part of it is he can't think about two things at once. He only plays with the singstar on the playstation or games which only use the stylus on the DS thingie cause using the 2 sides of the controller at once just frustrates him and I'm not sure if its coordination or concentration or whats wrong. Pc games which are only point and click with the mouse are the favourite though 2 button keyboard games will be tolerated to a certain extent. Thing is OT always said he was fine but I think there is something really wrong somewhere. At the moment I don't think he'll be able to drive a car when he's older and yet others are always saying how able he is and they can't believe there's anything 'wrong' with him, it just bugs me. Sure none of these abilities are the end of the world but people expect so much from him and don't realise what the future might hold and expect me to be all positive about it ...aargh think I'm heading on a downer ignore me- my sister and her family are going to Hong Kong for 2 weeks today, it's making me nervous.

 

take care all

and thanks again

 

Lorraine

[jb1964]

Hi Lorraine,

 

My daughters 13 and I would say probably the past 2 years has been more when she has become 'aware' - although definitely the past couple of months even more so. Really once she went to secondary school.

 

She still can't ride a bike and has only just this summer learnt how to swim - and I felt so proud. She also has some fantastic talents in other areas - and as Daisy said I just try to get her focused on those when she's sad or depressed.

 

We'll get there in the end I'm sure.

 

Take care,

Jb

[Kathryn]

Hi Lorraine,

 

I sympathise with this: both my children have coordination problems and have always lagged behind their peers in physical skills.

 

L (17) did learn to ride a bike when she was younger: we bought her a bigger one for her birthday, she fell off on the first occasion and never got back on a bike again.

 

My son (9) still can't ride a bike or swim, so those are our targets for this year. It is difficult getting him motivated, he'd much rather read, write stories and play on the x box. And his dad and I hate going to the pool so we end up not taking him. He doesn't say very much but I think he's starting to feel a bit embarrassed about the fact that he can't do these things when all his friends can. To some extent he compensates for his lack of physical skills by being the class clown and making people laugh.

 

Good luck with the riding - I found with my daughter a gentle grassy slope was a good place to start - they can get the momentum without too much effort.

 

K x

[Platefull of Love]

How about trying a scooter 1st. That way it means he can start to get a sense of balance, also he is on 2 wheels & its easy if you wobble to put your foot down. Its also something where you don't need as much space to use it as well. I am lucky as my D has a superb sense of balance. In fact one of his obsessions is was his unicycle, it was one of those i have tried & i will not give up until i do it things, He virtually cracked it 1st session, I have never seen a child as red with as much determination before , strange as other things if he gets it wrong he is floods of tears etc.

[bramblebrae]

Seem to have the same problem on a scooter though he will try for longer just can't conentrate on steering and making whichever vehicle go at the same time. Also panics the minute there is any kind of slope.

Good idea though as I do think it is better to practise on for overall balance but he rarely chooses to go on it either. He has pretty good balance over his body like walking along little walls and climbing etc it's just when combining balance with co ordinating other body parts..mmh not even balance really its more he can't push scooter with leg or turn pedals and steer at the same time...he can't split his concentration in this way..mmh that was interesting (thinking out loud or out me fingers I should say!). That'll help me describe it better when/if we ever get to see the OT or Psych services.

 

thanks

Lorraine

[Frangipani]

Hi Bramblebrae,

 

Have you thought of taking your child to see an OT, I remember one of the exercises my son had to do with helping him with balance was

 

Jumping up and down on a mini trampoline, this does something to the brain and assists with balance. You can stand there and hold hands until he gets used to it. Then let him jump to the rythym of some music.

 

Other OT exercises to help with gross motor skills co-ordination we were recommended to sit him on a swivel chair make him sit with his legs crossed and hands on the arm rests and slowly turn the chair around with his eyes closed and touch areas of his body and make him name them. Touch very lightly to make it more difficult.This also helps balance. nose, left shoulder, right hand,neck, left cheek, right elbow etc.

 

Also just take your child to the local park that has lots of equipment to climb through or over, the OT recommended this at least 3 times a week.

 

Or gymnastics, join a gymnastics club, they go at their own level, and this helps with any problems with co-ordination.

 

Eventually you may have more success on a bicycle.

 

Fxx

[Nic m]

hi lorraine, im new to the forum im a single mum and my daughter is nearly 10 and has just been diagnosed as asd 3 weeks ago(this was done privately as the school still fail to recognise her needs).

My wonderful bubbly daughter recognised she was 'different' when she was 8 years old and it was a devastating time for both of us.My daughter talked about killing herself and was very violent towards me and on occassions to extended family.

What i would like to tell you is that i am a very optimistic person and always focused on her talents and told her how wonderful she was how smart how beautiful etc etc.

It took my 8yr old to tell me that she needed to acknowledge where she was struggling and that was the turning point for us.

I need to say at this point i knew myself my daughter was on the spectrum from when she was about 18months and really focused on helping her where she struggled but without making her aware of it.

my daughter has bowel problems , is allergic to sodium benzoate and we are awaiting a referral to a podiatrist to help get her diagnosed as having hyper mobility syndrome.

she always appeared clumsy but she was very flexible and i enrolled her in gymnastic classes and swimming classes, this has been great for her as it has had many benefits. the exercise helped her gross motor skills it relaxed her and also boosted her confidence and she was able to be in a club with other children without having to join in with them but still feel part of things in her own way.

this was when we tackled the bike! I can take no credit for this as i am hopeless on a bike but her dad took the pedals off the bike put stabilisers on and spent weeks getting her used to this before she herself asked to try the pedals!(.Hayley also struggled to do more than one function at a time)

This small success really boosted her confidence and she is now as good as any other 9yr old.

Hayley still only copes with talking about how she is feeling for about 5mins a week but she did need me to talk about her problems and she has said she cant trust me to judge anything if i only tell her the good stuff.

Not bad eh! but she didnt warn she would go off on one when i did point out where she needed help.

I hope this helps a wee bit and i can now see the light at the end of the tunnel again so keep your chin up and i wish you good luck.

Nicola

[yoyo]

I did not learn how to ride a bike until I was over 8.5. My adoptive mother always told me I ought to be so ashamed of myself for being so useless. I am still a dreadful swimmer and hate the water to such an extent that I did not encourage my children to swim, which I regret. However, I was able to drive a car from the age of 8 as my father allowed us to drive the car and tractor on the avenue up to the house. As a child I seemed to be like some of the children mentioned here - high ability, good in some physical areas but amazingly clumsy. I identify with difficulty in coordinating two things at once and i was sheer determination and perseverance that I cracked gear changes in driving. Now I get huge pleasure from long distance cycling and I would drive for a living if it paid better. I hope this helps.

 

Yoyo

[Canopus]

I was 10 when I started thinking that I was different to other kids. Other kids had been calling me names like weirdo since I was about 5, but now I was really getting concerned that something was seriously wrong with me. The thought crossed my mind during the start of the summer holiday whilst sitting out in the back garden. I never discussed the matter with my parents. Y5 had been difficult and painful and my parents were becoming increasingly upset with my behaviour at school and out in public. I used to think my problems at school when I was 5 and 6 was the result of me being too clever and the classwork tedious and trivial. When I was 7 and 8 I thought my problems at school was a "horses for courses" issue. My junior school placed a heavy emphasis on things that I wasn't good at such as handwriting and football rather than things I was good at like computers and science. I never previously thought there was ever anything wrong with me until that hot day in July.

 

I considered myself to be somebody of high intelligence, particularly in maths and science. I learnt to program computers with no help from anybody else because I didn't know anyone who could program! This high intellectual ability was only half the story. I wasn't just clever compared to my classmates. It occured to me that I was different to other 10 year olds or even deficient in some way or other. Why was it so difficult for me to relate to other kids my age or make friends? Was I just thinking things or had I really become less popular amongst my classmates than a couple of years ago? Was there a reason why I was bullied so regularly? The answer was that social etiquette was getting more complicated and I didn't understand the increasing number of unwritten rules. Failing to recognise certain social cues may have been tolerated at the age of 7 or 8, but is seen as unacceptable for a 10 year old by both adults and other kids. My 8 year old NT brother was probably more socially mature than I was. I started to notice he no longer saw me as a role model to follow and told me that his friends - and their parents - thought I was weird or even retarded.

 

For much of the past year at school I had a low self esteem and was frequently depressed. I was becoming increasingly frustrated with poor physical co-ordination and how I was hopeless at team sports which were now the main component of PE lessons. Playing football and riding a bike were things a 10 year old was expected to be good at by default regardless of their intellectual ability. I was the only kid in my school who couldn't ride a bike and it started to become an embarrassment. A 5 year old who lived on the opposite side of the road couldn't read or do simple maths, but he could ride a bike and was a member of a BMX club.

 

I wondered what exactly was wrong with me? The doctors and psychologists I had been visiting for the past two years said there was nothing wrong with me, but common sense dictated there was something very different about me compared to other kids of my age. Being able to solve quadratic equations and program assembly language were not defects. Talking about CPU registers to other kids who could ride a bike when I couldn't, and thinking they wanted to know about bit shifting when they didn't were defects. I spent most of the summer of 1987 attached to a computer and very rarely did I talk to other kids or venture out of the house unless I was with my parents. Unlike most kids, I preferred programming and serious software to games, although every now and then I would load up Exolon, Tau Ceti, and Starglider.

[butterfingersbimbo]

el found it very hard to learn to ride her bike, just like me when i was a kid. she falls off it quite often or rides into things....she is dyspraxic! have you had this ruled out? i am a very clumsy person too and cant belive that i now ride my bike everywhere if its not too far. and i havent fell off so far in three years so i must have improved!!!

 

i am NT as far as i know....but i always felt as tho i didnt fit in, especially when i went into junior school. i think el started to become aware that she was different at about the same age, school life became very difficult for her and so she resorted to being a dog for the majority of her school day

 

anyway, now we just focus on the positives whenever possible. if el does something kind i make sure she knows what a wonderful person she is, if i do something stupid i make sure she knows about to show her that everyone makes mistakes, we are all human.....it can be very hard work but can be so rewarding!