Home/school differences in behaviour

[Klou]

Hi All.

 

Its been a while since I have been here. Alot has gone on. I am working full time. DS started school. We are trying to get DLA after health visitor suggested it but are waiting for them to decide on the appeal.

 

I've just come back from parent's evening at school where I have been told DS is getting along fairly well. Some days they really know he is there. Other days the teacher doesn't notice he is in school till she does the register because he gets on quietly. The only problem seems to be him touching other children when they are siting on the carpet and the teacher has a really good creative solution to that. So that is fine.

 

The big problem is that the ed psych and OT don't want to see him again, although he is staying on file. This is fair enough as school haven't got any problems they can't manage. But at home we have.

 

I thought there was a thread on here about others with similar problems but I can't find it. I'm doubting his diagnosis even though there are days when he might as well wear a sign saying 'I've using all my AS symptoms today KEEP AWAY!'

 

I'm just feeling - like everyone else - that the professionals can't be bothered with us.

I can't even join the NAS properly because the website and my email appear to have problems with each other!!

I just want to understand what is going on here for my own sanity.

[butterfingersbimbo]

hi chic, it might be that school is so regimented that he finds it easier to cope when he is there, they follow a time table and generally know what they will be doing each day. where as at home there is more variety, and less structure, maybe this is causing him problems? my friend has the same problem with her AS son, he is very difficult at home but school think he's lovely!!!

[cmuir]

Hi

 

I'll be watching this thread with interest. My 5 year old started mainstream in the summer. I'm told that he's doing really well (frankly, I'm not sure whether to believe it!). At home he acts like he's possessed. It's a nightmare. I think the teachers think I'm neurotic!

 

Caroline.

[CarerQuie]

My son is almost perfect at school but the mere effort of behaving like that means that he is a different prospect at home.I think that he runs an emulator at school and relaxes and is more himself at home.xx

[Klou]

I'm glad its not just me then. Sometimes the books etc give the impression that our ASD children are a nightmare out and about but are fine in the confines of their carefully controlled homes. I wonder is it linked to AS more than autism because the AS kids function at a higher level?

[Bullet]

I was definitely more prone to outbursts at home but enough of my Aspergers showed at school to make the teacher's comment.

Tom shows no difference in the way he acts at home or nursery.

Edited November 9, 2006 by Bullet

[Kathryn]

Hi Klou

 

This subject comes up again and again. I think this might be the thread you're referring to? It's old but has lots of useful information including one or two quotes from professionals.

 

The Passive Child/ pretending to be normal: meeting the needs of the passive child

 

Hope this helps

 

K x

[lynyona]

When kieran was at school he was two different people,an home kieran and a school kieran.He was an angel at school and a so and so when he got home.i was told by one of his then teachers it could be because at school like someone as said they are set rules and boundarys and know what is expected of them( or it could just be the continual routine in kierans case as well),and when they arrive home it is a completely different ball game.

[darky]

it is VERY comon for children with AS to camoflage themselves whilst in school and then kick off when they get home. in our experience, my sons "front" at school is very different to how hes really feeling, but he does his best to make sure he does not stand out.

i actually believe that these kids are more disabled than kids who display their difficulties through negative behaviour. when a child is kicking off in school they have to be noticed, but who notices the passive child sat in the classroom struggling and wont say boo to a goose?? whats happend to my son, is hes been allowed to get further and further behind, but because he presents with a smile on his face, he is ignored, even when he has pooed himself in fear.

 

not now because i have fought for him tooth and nail, i wont let him be invisable anymore. its their duty to help him as much as a child who is disruptive.

[bikergal]

My daughter has always been like this, though her behaviour at home has improved. She is now 13 but is almost mute at school. Actually she had a big melt down last week owing to several things happening and building up and she didn't have anyone to talk to about it. When she got home from school she stormed off was very upset...she felt her friends had made her feel invisible, drama class did a bullying thing whereby she was picked, chosen, coerced into being the bullied child..she told me it felt like it was real...to cap it all a teacher gave out a class detention because of the talking, well excuse me she doesn't talk. She was punished for doing nothing wrong.

I think my daughter's first school definitely thought I was a neurotic mother but they didn't get the aggressive behaviour or see the heart breaking sobs as night after night she begged me not to send her to school and her telling me that she wanted to die.

Passive at school children are often invisible and it's up to us to make sure that they are heard. You are not alone and you know your child best. Don't be afraid to make a nuisance of yourself.

 

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[loulou]

Hi,

 

My son has really separated home from school. He does really well at school (he's in an EBD school) and then can go "off on one" when he gets home. For him, i think it's the transition from one thing to the other which he finds stressfull.

 

When he was in mainstream however, his behaviour was awful at school and home and they didn't address his needs at all. Now he has 1 to 1 and is in a very regimented but caring environment and he seems to be doing really well and is learning.

 

I expect your son is trying really hard at school and then when he gets in it's all too much for him so he kicks off.

 

Loulou x

[oxgirl]

My son has been both!

 

When he was at primary school he was an angel at home, very happy and quiet, but at school he'd run riot screaming and throwing things and generally was out of control. I remember them asking me, how did we restrain him at home??! We stared blankly back at them, because, of course, we never had to, he never behaved like that at home!

 

Now he's older (nearly 13) he's more aware of his behaviour and generally tries really hard at school to not lose it, and the effort is an enormous strain on him. Yesterday, in fact, he just couldn't cope with the day and burst into tears during the maths lesson, he was that overwhelmed. He then felt terrible that everyone was staring at him and felt very embarrassed that he'd drawn attention to himself. At home, he's more volatile then he used to be and shows more obvious signs of anxiety that he doesn't show at school.

 

Not sure which I preferred actually!

 

~ Mel ~

[lil_me]

If my son has a good day at school he's hell on legs at home, and a bad day at school usually means he's calm at home. As me and the LSA have agreed we can't have everything. She gets a turn then I do etc

[hev]

steven is the same at home and at school,horrendous

[mum22boys]

Tony Attwood mentions in his book a 'jekyll and hyde' character, where the child 'copes' with school and then the pressures of school are released at home.

 

You are not alone, my son also is like this. School do see problems BUT the head doesn't want to believe her school could cause him stress and it is usually swept under the carpet. He plods along fine on normal school days, but if they do something different then all hell is let loose.

 

Just wondering, you said you were waiting to hear about DLA after appealling. Did you get turned down because of a school report? I had this when applying for M's DLA. I sent in loads of supporting info but the school said he had no problems and I had to fight to get him it.

 

mum22boys

[Karen A]

Hi As others have said the situation where children with ASD cope at school but are hardwork at the weekend or in the evenings crops up here a lot.We have times when Ben does really well during the week.However he becomes more stressed towards the weekend as he gets tired.Saturday can be hard as he spends the day letting off steam.It is easy to become frustrated when school appear to have an easier time.In our case the ASD support team have offered help for us-to help us come up with strategies for home.

It must be very frustrating if people do not appreciate the difficulties at home and just look at educational issues.Karen

[Klou]

These replies are great. Thank you so much.

 

Mum22boys the DLA diod have a report from his nursery and it explains alot because they did not really have many problems with him. He behaved well, made good progress etc. I picked them to do the report because I ended up doing the DLA at the end of his nursery time. School had not even met him then. In the appeal I wrote that my health visitor had recommended we apply for DLA because of the problems he has at home.

 

Interesting development - DS clawed his fingers down someone's face yesterday. He was talked too, banned from the sand play outside (it is his favourite thing really!) and informed that I would be told. The teacher thought it was quite ironic that she had given him a good report the day before while I indicated he was a challenge at home. Friday he hurts someone and when I talk to him about it he really didn't seem to quite 'get' what he had done. I guess AS children don't set much score by 'your mother will be told about this.'

 

I too am not sure whether i prefer home angel - school devil or the other way round.

[mum22boys]

Klou,

 

has your health visitor written a letter for your DLA claim or have they filled in a form from the DWP? I ask because generally it is not enough to just tell them the health visitor knows of the problems you face. They want written evidence. Send in anything you can, even letters from family, friends and strangers if they will write what they witnessed. If the health visitor hasn't written a letter ask her to do so.

 

You will need everything you can.

 

mum22boys

[Klou]

Thanks Mum22boys

 

I've got some time tomorrow so I will make a few phonecalls. We have to phone the OT back anyway to feedback from when she saw him at school.

 

Weekend nearly over and I am exhausted, just in time for work tomorrow.