Expressing my worries to school!!!

[oxgirl]

I'm having a terrible time at the moment with my feelings about school and how to express them. My J had an awful afternoon last week and was sobbing and feeling terrible, both mentally and physically, and they didn't even bother to phone me. I feel strongly that they should have sent him home, but they just don't seem to care. They made him stay for another four hours and for what purpose, so they could prove to him that he couldn't get away with it, or what!! I'm furious and have lost a lot of trust in them.

 

The thing is I'm having trouble expressing myself to them. I just feel so intimidated when I try to speak to them face to face, I get all choked up and usually end up crying and feeling that I haven't got my thoughts across. But if I put it in an email they resent it and make me feel like I'm just making a big fuss over nothing, as usual!

 

I just know know how to communicate with them, I'm either too official or too emotional and either way they can't stand me!!

 

~ Mel ~

[JsMum]

Hi oxy I have felt the same when J was on his similair school, and even when I tried writing it to them and have regular meetings things got heated when it was made clear they still where not meeting his SEN needs and the headteacher had a real good way of making you the mother feel like a child and he constantly condensed the stuggles or disbelieved he had SEN.

 

My experience is that you are wasting your time, and energy with schools like this, when I transferred him to another smaller school who wherent afriad to offer support things have improved and any difficulties J has the school make changes to suit J.

 

The new head treat me like a more level person, he certainly doesnt use his authority to scare me, he is patient, and he listens and understands.

 

If J had of began here I believe he would of got all his needs regonised and achknowledged, I see new children come and they are just like J was and straight away the child is supported and services in place so this school shows that there is good schools out there, loads of parents with SEN kids are removing children from local school who are failing to provide the services and then placing them into this school as it is that good.

 

 

I have to recommend you have a good look around other schools including mainstream and special schools, I understand your son is very academically bright, there maybe scope for a scolership in a private special school somewhere.

 

NAS Education helpline could offer you assistance in finding a more suitable school, one that doesnt just look at the educational needs but the SEN, the emotional and social well being of the child as well.

 

I think your on a loosing battle with school who intimidate,ridicule and make parents feel useless.

 

JsMum

[oxgirl]

Hi oxy I have felt the same when J was on his similair school, and even when I tried writing it to them and have regular meetings things got heated when it was made clear they still where not meeting his SEN needs and the headteacher had a real good way of making you the mother feel like a child and he constantly condensed the stuggles or disbelieved he had SEN.

 

My experience is that you are wasting your time, and energy with schools like this, when I transferred him to another smaller school who wherent afriad to offer support things have improved and any difficulties J has the school make changes to suit J.

 

The new head treat me like a more level person, he certainly doesnt use his authority to scare me, he is patient, and he listens and understands.

 

If J had of began here I believe he would of got all his needs regonised and achknowledged, I see new children come and they are just like J was and straight away the child is supported and services in place so this school shows that there is good schools out there, loads of parents with SEN kids are removing children from local school who are failing to provide the services and then placing them into this school as it is that good.

I have to recommend you have a good look around other schools including mainstream and special schools, I understand your son is very academically bright, there maybe scope for a scolership in a private special school somewhere.

 

NAS Education helpline could offer you assistance in finding a more suitable school, one that doesnt just look at the educational needs but the SEN, the emotional and social well being of the child as well.

 

I think your on a loosing battle with school who intimidate,ridicule and make parents feel useless.

 

JsMum

 

 

Thanks for your reply JsMum, I'm feeling very trapped with all my feelings at the mo

There just aren't any alternative schools here that would suit my lad, this is supposedly the best there is. I wouldn't mind, but it's a specialist ASD unit and I don't feel that they understand him or care that much either. I'm sure they think I'm just making a nuisance of myself, but I just need them to reassure me that they're going to CARE for him

I have a meeting on Monday but I know I'm going to come away feeling frustrated and fobbed off.

Cheers.

 

~ Mel ~

[pumpkinpie]

Is there anyone who could come with you to the meeting?

[oxgirl]

Is there anyone who could come with you to the meeting?

 

My husband will be there, but he tends to just nod and agree with what they're saying to appease them. I'm the opposite, I always end up gabbling hysterically and come away feeling I haven't been heard or have been dismissed as being over-emotional. Nope, there's no-one else to support us.

 

~ Mel ~

[JsMum]

My husband will be there, but he tends to just nod and agree with what they're saying to appease them. I'm the opposite, I always end up gabbling hysterically and come away feeling I haven't been heard or have been dismissed as being over-emotional. Nope, there's no-one else to support us.

 

~ Mel ~

have you talked to NAS education support line they may offer someone physically to go with you, also try your local carers centre, they have people too that could offer someone as well.

 

The local childrens disabilty team?

KIDS

and Mencap are all other services that I recommend.

 

You really need an extra person just so they can take in things you may miss also to help put your point of view and be heard.

 

The way you feel is not good when you say they are the best in the area, it doesnt sound to me that they are offering a proffessional service to you, they shouldnt be making you feel the way you are.

If your feeling like this then there is a possibilty other parents are too.

 

What about writing it down and sending it to the local special educational teams section, in your area, as they may be able to support you and get the school to hear how you feel.

 

Schools should be interested in how you feel about your sons ed, they should be listening at least.

 

If there is no way of any other school, then maybe its back to home education because clearly your son isnt coping in the unit he is in now.

 

JsMum

[oxgirl]

have you talked to NAS education support line they may offer someone physically to go with you, also try your local carers centre, they have people too that could offer someone as well.

 

The local childrens disabilty team?

KIDS

and Mencap are all other services that I recommend.

 

You really need an extra person just so they can take in things you may miss also to help put your point of view and be heard.

 

The way you feel is not good when you say they are the best in the area, it doesnt sound to me that they are offering a proffessional service to you, they shouldnt be making you feel the way you are.

If your feeling like this then there is a possibilty other parents are too.

 

What about writing it down and sending it to the local special educational teams section, in your area, as they may be able to support you and get the school to hear how you feel.

 

Schools should be interested in how you feel about your sons ed, they should be listening at least.

 

If there is no way of any other school, then maybe its back to home education because clearly your son isnt coping in the unit he is in now.

 

JsMum

 

 

Thanks again JsMum <'> Today I spent quite a long time just typing up how I was feeling about it all and I think I'll hand it to them at the end of the meeting in case I don't manage to get everything across. It doesn't feel at the moment that all the stress and strain we are all feeling is worth the benefits, but you never know, we might come out of the meeting on Monday feeling a whole lot better. Here's hoping <'>

 

~ Mel ~

[nvapid]

letters to teachers should be brief and not include any emotion. you can say that you are:

distressed

dissapointed

that this situation puts you and your family under stress

 

but not:

angry

upset

crying

unhappy

 

why?

the first set of adjectives sets up and uses legal terms which ring certain bells and MUST be dealt with

the second set actually plays into the hands of teachers/eps as beign an Hysterical parent which they are to distance themselves from

 

make it brief

1-2 sentences outlining the problem

1 sentence on how distressed you are that no/whatever action has been taken

1-2 sentences on what solutions you thinks they might consider

1 sentence requesting a plan of action by a set date of your choosing.

 

ALWAYS send a copy to your SEN govenor/chair of govenors - if you dont tell them what is happening the school does not have to.

 

Informal exclusion - the school CANNOT by law call you and ask you to take your child home for any other reason than imediate threat of serious physical harm your child may perpatrate on another or infectious illness. They must apply a strategy to deal with your child IN SCHOOL.

 

What you should be focusing on is how they deal with your son when he becomes upset and creating a strategy that they can apply that will work.

[Cat]

Some parents actually want their children to remain in school no matter what. And trying to be fair to the school if they did ring you when your son is very upset to come and collect him, they may fear that you at some point may then decided that this is a form of illegal exclusion. I am not saying that 'you' personally ever would but it can and does happen. I am no fan of the school system but sometimes schools can be between a rock and a hard place. It is part of their duty of care to be able to cope with your son when he is very upset. If they are not doing this then they also have a duty to ask for input. Together you need to find ways round the problem.

 

However if you make it clear to the school that you are NOT one of the parents who wishes her son to remain in school no matter what (I am also one of these parents) then they are aware of your wishes.

 

What I tend to do if I have importants things which I need to address is to make a short report outin the same way that schools do when there is an annual review. All of the lead professionals will submit a repot about where they feel your child is and any areas of concern and how to address them. This is what I do I do this not only for education but also when we have an appointment with any of the medical bods that my son sees.

 

Doing it this way give you the chance to make your points and they are also down in writing so it's more difficult for them to be ignored It actually makes me feel better and more on an equal footing with whomever is sitting round the table.

 

What usually then happens at a meeting is that the reports will be discussed and this gives a chance to enter into a discussion about the issues you have raised. It will then depend on what stance the school decided to adopt. Hopefully they will be willing to meet you half way

 

Cat

[cmuir]

Hi

 

Never be frightened/ashamed/apologetic for caring about you child. If you don't, no one else will. You love your child dearly and hate seeing him distressed. It's difficult not to get emotional, which is why it can be difficult when meeting face to face, not to get angry or upset at head/teachers. How are you at letter writing. Not only does this provide 'cover' in terms of logging down information, but it means not getting emotional, etc. I've got quiet a file building up. The neighbourhood support coordinator can't even be bothered to respond to my emails or letters - and I've got proof of that!!! She's ignored my letters expressing my concers, etc. The main thing is that I'm covered!

 

I personally would write them a letter telling them how disappointed you are that your son was showing clear signs of distress, yet they took no (or inappropriate) action.

 

Best of luck.

 

Caroline.

[oxgirl]

letters to teachers should be brief and not include any emotion. you can say that you are:

distressed

dissapointed

that this situation puts you and your family under stress

 

but not:

angry

upset

crying

unhappy

 

why?

the first set of adjectives sets up and uses legal terms which ring certain bells and MUST be dealt with

the second set actually plays into the hands of teachers/eps as beign an Hysterical parent which they are to distance themselves from

 

make it brief

1-2 sentences outlining the problem

1 sentence on how distressed you are that no/whatever action has been taken

1-2 sentences on what solutions you thinks they might consider

1 sentence requesting a plan of action by a set date of your choosing.

 

ALWAYS send a copy to your SEN govenor/chair of govenors - if you dont tell them what is happening the school does not have to.

 

Informal exclusion - the school CANNOT by law call you and ask you to take your child home for any other reason than imediate threat of serious physical harm your child may perpatrate on another or infectious illness. They must apply a strategy to deal with your child IN SCHOOL.

 

What you should be focusing on is how they deal with your son when he becomes upset and creating a strategy that they can apply that will work.

 

Thanks very much for that nvapid, that's very interesting. That actually makes me feel a bit better, knowing that the school HAD to keep him there, because I was feeling that they were just being uncaring and it was really getting me down. <'>

 

~ Mel ~

[oxgirl]

Some parents actually want their children to remain in school no matter what. And trying to be fair to the school if they did ring you when your son is very upset to come and collect him, they may fear that you at some point may then decided that this is a form of illegal exclusion. I am not saying that 'you' personally ever would but it can and does happen. I am no fan of the school system but sometimes schools can be between a rock and a hard place. It is part of their duty of care to be able to cope with your son when he is very upset. If they are not doing this then they also have a duty to ask for input. Together you need to find ways round the problem.

 

However if you make it clear to the school that you are NOT one of the parents who wishes her son to remain in school no matter what (I am also one of these parents) then they are aware of your wishes.

 

What I tend to do if I have importants things which I need to address is to make a short report outin the same way that schools do when there is an annual review. All of the lead professionals will submit a repot about where they feel your child is and any areas of concern and how to address them. This is what I do I do this not only for education but also when we have an appointment with any of the medical bods that my son sees.

 

Doing it this way give you the chance to make your points and they are also down in writing so it's more difficult for them to be ignored It actually makes me feel better and more on an equal footing with whomever is sitting round the table.

 

What usually then happens at a meeting is that the reports will be discussed and this gives a chance to enter into a discussion about the issues you have raised. It will then depend on what stance the school decided to adopt. Hopefully they will be willing to meet you half way

 

Cat

 

Thanks Cat. Yes, I probably am unfair to the school a lot of the time, I know they have a difficult job to do. I just work myself up into such a state when I'm at home on my own that all the little mistakes and things they do that I don't agree with build up out of all proportion so I end up feeling like I'm going to blow!!

 

I'll write some stuff down ready to discuss with them on Monday. Wish us luck! <'>

 

~ Mel ~

[oxgirl]

Hi

 

Never be frightened/ashamed/apologetic for caring about you child. If you don't, no one else will. You love your child dearly and hate seeing him distressed. It's difficult not to get emotional, which is why it can be difficult when meeting face to face, not to get angry or upset at head/teachers. How are you at letter writing. Not only does this provide 'cover' in terms of logging down information, but it means not getting emotional, etc. I've got quiet a file building up. The neighbourhood support coordinator can't even be bothered to respond to my emails or letters - and I've got proof of that!!! She's ignored my letters expressing my concers, etc. The main thing is that I'm covered!

 

I personally would write them a letter telling them how disappointed you are that your son was showing clear signs of distress, yet they took no (or inappropriate) action.

 

Best of luck.

 

Caroline.

 

Thanks for that Caroline. Yes, I'm really good at expressing myself on paper, but unfortunately, when meeting 'official'-types face to face I find myself clamming up or going to pieces, most embarrassing!! Trouble with writing it down is that it tends to get their backs up because they see it as me making a fuss or being a nuisance, I'm sure, then I get all defensive and it just leads to a difficult relationship.

 

Thanks for the good luck, I'll need it probably!

 

~ Mel ~

[Bagpuss]

Mel <'> <'>

 

Good luck with the meeting. I find I get a little nervous before attending meetings too. Sometimes you just want to know you are being heard and taken seriously....and I always leave feeling I'd could of done/said more or phrased it differently.

 

If you are able to take anyone with you, apart from your hubby, that would be a help. Someone who could speak up on your part and get the important issues across.

 

Write down what you feel is relevant, take it with you, and refer to it.

 

Sorry I couldn't offer more help, hope it all goes ok for you.

 

Take care <'>

[oxgirl]

Mel <'> <'>

 

Good luck with the meeting. I find I get a little nervous before attending meetings too. Sometimes you just want to know you are being heard and taken seriously....and I always leave feeling I'd could of done/said more or phrased it differently.

 

If you are able to take anyone with you, apart from your hubby, that would be a help. Someone who could speak up on your part and get the important issues across.

 

Write down what you feel is relevant, take it with you, and refer to it.

 

Sorry I couldn't offer more help, hope it all goes ok for you.

 

Take care <'>

 

 

Thanks Bagpuss, I'm gonna take a big long list with me of 'issues' I want to discuss! Just hope I can sit in there without making a fool of myself really!

 

~ Mel ~

[curra]

Good luck with the meeting. Mel! <'> Having been on your situation several times, I can only agree with the advice to write down the points you want to make and to take someone from a support group, NAS or just a friend who can back you up. Try not to go alone as it is likely that there will be 3 or more people from the school and that in itself can be intimidating. You won't make a fool of yourself! You are a parent who will say important things about your child to the school because it is your right to do so, and they have to listen to you. If you fear that they will get defensive, write a couple of brief sentences to start with to emphasise your wish to work with the school and to have good communications with them. If you cannot remember them, just read them. You can then say what points you want to discuss in the meeting, (so that they don't try to end it before everything has been said ). It helps them with the length of the meeting and it makes everyone feel more relaxed.

 

Curra XX

[oxgirl]

Good luck with the meeting. Mel! <'> Having been on your situation several times, I can only agree with the advice to write down the points you want to make and to take someone from a support group, NAS or just a friend who can back you up. Try not to go alone as it is likely that there will be 3 or more people from the school and that in itself can be intimidating. You won't make a fool of yourself! You are a parent who will say important things about your child to the school because it is your right to do so, and they have to listen to you. If you fear that they will get defensive, write a couple of brief sentences to start with to emphasise your wish to work with the school and to have good communications with them. If you cannot remember them, just read them. You can then say what points you want to discuss in the meeting, (so that they don't try to end it before everything has been said ). It helps them with the length of the meeting and it makes everyone feel more relaxed.

 

Curra XX

 

 

Thanks a lot Curra.

 

Well, me and my hub went to the meeting yesterday and it wasn't too bad. We did write everything down and gave it to them and they did listen to us, although they didn't always want to take our points. The teacher dug her heels in on a couple of issues and didn't want to budge, but the head of the unit was more open. We're going to meet again in two weeks to discuss how things are going and whether we should cut his timetable further, so I guess they are taking us seriously at least.

I did manage to hold myself together. I had a few tears, but I didn't totally humiliate myself by breaking down and sobbing, like I thought I would!

 

Sorry things are tough for you and your lad at the mo, hope things improve for you soon. It's never easy is it! <'> <'>

 

~ Mel ~

[Bagpuss]

Glad the meeting went ok for you Mel <'> <'>

[oxgirl]

Glad the meeting went ok for you Mel <'> <'>

 

 

Thanks a lot Bagpuss! <'> <'>

 

~ Mel ~

[Kathryn]

Well done Mel. I hope the meeting does improve things. At least they are listening.

 

K x

[cmuir]

Hi

 

Meant to add that when you have a voice or opinion when it comes to something concerning your child, unfortunately experience tells me that that doesn't always make you popular. This is purely down to the fact that some people want an easy life - those are the ones that clock on at 9 and clock off at 5! It often pays to complain/put up a fight for something which is justified. I know I had a struggle to ensure my son got 1-2-1 full-time support when has started P1 at mainstream school. Despite expressing my concerns and providing supportive reports, I was ignored. I then spent hours writing every appropriate person (5!) that I could think of. That time was well spent because I did get the support that I know was necessary for Robert. Another child, in Robert's class with AS didn't get any support. Reason being (I suspect), once I met the mother it became clear - she had a massive chip on her should that "why should I have to do ..." kind of attitude. Sad thing is, that the silly woman can't see that it's her son that's losing out.

 

I wouldn't worry about becoming emotional or getting people's backs up. Emotion means that you're human and that you care!!!

 

Best wishes

 

Caroline

[oxgirl]

Cheers Caroline and Kathryn. <'>

 

~ Mel ~

[curra]

Well done, Mel!

 

Hope things start to improve for J <'> <'>

 

Curra