Hi, everyone, haven't been on here for about a year

[reuby2]

HI everyone,

Thought i was coping okay but really am not.Son was diagnosed as being on the spectrum last october, He still has ot exercises at school, speech therapy and the autism outreach go into school periodically for him to make sure things are okay.I finished my job this last march so that i could be there to pick him up from school every day as he hated being picked up by my mum, in fact he hates being with anyone without me, even dad.

The problem is that since finishing work i have dived into depression and anxiety, it came to a head in the summer when i was ready to top myself because i thought i was going to hurt him. I am having counselling now, very good counsellor but i am feeling more negative towards my son the more i talk about how difficult things are sometimes.I have panic attacks when i have bad thoughts towards him and although it doesn't show on the outside, i am always extremely kind and patient with him even when others aren't.But i don't feel i can keep going .

He is so anxious and repeats things over again on the way to school etc, counting clouds etc or a favorite one is... he looked funny at me, he's not going to kidnap me is he? then repeats it for most people he sees. Or can i eat my pepperami this way, the anser..yes, then " can i eat it the way i don't want to?..the answer..yes....."can i eat it both ways".....etc etc etc etc

He asks me if he can do the simplest things, but i have to answer or he gets upset and angry until i answer.

He is very good at school but when he gets home the things that bother him all come out. My hubby is getting depressed as my son jumps on him and covers his face even though my hubby keeps telling him not to do it, he keeps on doing it over and over untill hubby loses his temper.

We are both feeling down and i am having to take librium the last few days as i am so anxious i feel i am going mad, splitting personality or something.I already have antidepressants but aren't sure they are working anymore.

I'm sorry to post such negative ###### but maybe someone can remember me on here and maybe i need to be in touch with other parents in the same situation.

[loulou]

Hi reuby2,

 

Welcome back <'> <'> . I can't believe a year has gone that quickly.

 

Sorry to hear you're having a hard time. All i can offer is some virtual <'> <'> <'> . I went through similar last year with panic attacks and depression so i can empathise. I have come through the other side though, and although things are still tough (when are they not?) they ARE better. May i suggest you go back to your GP? Maybe your anti D's need to be increased for a while.

 

Also, have you enquired about respite? I was offered 4 hours a week (wow!) but i turned it down as my son now boards at school 2 night a week. I think that has been my life saver.

 

Keep posting if you can too, because the forum can be a great help.

 

Loulou xx

[butterfingersbimbo]

oh chic am sending you massive <'> <'> <'>

 

am not sure what to advise, i know tho its very hard when they keep repeating things all the time, el does this too and tbh i sometimes just feel like screaming at her to shut up!!! and she is also quite paranoid, although this tends to come and go.....

 

i have started to go to body combat classes at the gym and it really helps to get your frustrations and anger out....only downer is its once a week and i could probably do it a few more times than that!!!

 

it sounds like you really need to find something to do that doesn't involve you thinking about him and how difficult his behaviour is, while i am sure that the counselling will be great in the long run, it sounds like its encouraging you to dwell on all the problems rather than focussing on any positives there are in your life. no wonder you are struggling!!!

 

sending you even more hugs, hope that there is something you can find to do just to get a break from it all. <'> <'> <'>

[reuby2]

Thanks for your replies, it feels a bit better just to get it down on paper as such instead of just pretending everything is okay.

[oxgirl]

Hi reuby2, sorry to hear you're having a rough time, I think we can all understand what you're feeling. <'>

 

I think BFB is right though, it sounds like, now you've finished working, you really need to find something to fill up your mind other than worries about your son. I am the same, I am at a loose end every day just waiting until it's time to pick up my lad, and I don't see anyone or talk to anyone all day. My life saver is that I have started running. It sounds silly, but it is the only thing that is MINE, I do it for me and it's become so important to me. I started by just jogging from one lamp-post to another and gradually increased it until I can now run four miles. It's not much to other people, but it's something I can be proud of that I have done for myself and no-one can take it away.

 

Have you thought of getting something for YOU that you can work towards and achieve while your son is at school, because, like you, I'd just sit and weep and worry myself sick if I didn't have something to DO!!

 

Hope you feel better soon. <'> <'> <'>

 

~ Mel ~

[Bagpuss]

<'> <'> <'>

[Cat]

I had one of those sons where only Mum would do and I know just how hard it is to parent a child like that. But because 'only Mum will do' it's also Mum who gets the fall out

 

I have to say that your son sounds very anxious and depressed himself and that often comes out in the behaviour that you are describing. They have to go over everything time and time again. Repeating things over and over again can be a classic sign of anxiety, and it sounds as if things are anything but right for him at school. Sadly he probably can't even begin to tell you what it is and the only way out for his is through his behaviour. I found that the more stressed my DS2 became the more he needed to control me and that is very hard to live with.

 

With reagard to the way he behaves with your DH I wonder if you took a pic of him doing this and then put a big red cross through it and displayed it where he can see it if it may help for him to get the message? It would be a constant visual reminder, which may anoy him to begin with but then he is anoying his Dad.

 

It does sound as if your son needs weaning from you, and I don't say this in a nasty way, because I have been there and lived through this. He needs to know that he can trust other people and that you are not his property. Mum does have a life outside of him. It wont be easy but it's not working for you right now so maybe it's worth trying. Even though you are at home could someone collect him from school say one day per week? He wont like it but it could be your way of tellingf your son that you have needs to. It took me years to get this across to my son but he did eventually get the message. I am not saying that he liked it but he learnt to live with it.

 

Cat

[cmuir]

Hi

 

It would be so easy to come online and say you should be doing that and that. Fact is, in very stressful situations, no one can say how they'll react unless in exactly that situation. I think the fact you've identified a problem and receiving counselling is an amazing start. I've read several posts on this forum with parents saying that they're disgusted, angry, surprised, etc (a whole mixture of different emotions) about how their children behave. If things are really difficult it's no wonder you're having trouble coping. I know that every now and again I completely run out of steam and feel that I can't cope, etc. That's when I lose confidence in myself and my ability to be a good parent. I totally sympathise with you on that. Fact is, that perhaps when you fall off the sadle it's may be good to try and get back on. I know that's there's numerous situations, etc that I've avoided (in fact even stepping out the front door!). I seem to get myself all worked up and then when there's something that I have to do, it often turns out a lot better than expected.

 

Best wishes

 

Hope you get some helpful answers off this forum.

 

Caroline.

[UltraMum]

Reuby2 - good to see you again but sorry things are rough at the moment. Hard though it may sound things will get better - good counselling draws this stuff out and gets it sorted but it hurts while it's happening.

 

No real advice but lots of <'> <'> <'> <'> <'> <'> <'> <'> <'> <'> and feel free to off load on us lot here We're broad shouldered - (Note: must cut down on the doughnuts!) and there's always someone around <'> <'> <'> <'> <'> <'>

[Kathryn]

Hi Reuby,

 

<'> <'> <'>

 

Sorry to hear life is rough but I hope with the help of counselling and meds you will find a way through this.

 

Talking about giving up work rang bells with me - I was at the start of a fairly promising job, something I'd always wanted to do, and had to stop when L needed a lot of extra care and support. I felt hugely resentful and panicky, feeling like my whole life as a "carer" was now mapped out before me, and I got very depressed. Eventually when L became less dependent and was able to go to college, I was able to go back to work part time, and keep up with hobbies I enjoy, which I still do. I find this has a direct bearing on my mood and ability to cope. I need to be seen as someone apart from just L's mother. Ironically, the more demanding work and leisure activities are, the more I'm able to deal with L as I feel less like a victim of circumstance and more in control generally.

 

I think oxgirl's right about needing stuff to fill one's time - Is there something you've enjoyed doing in the past that you could take up again, perhaps?

 

K x

[reuby2]

HI everyone,

I have started this september to do craft classes and art class during the day, so i am trying to fill my time.I think it has more to do with feeling trapped and my loss of independence.I felt a bit better when i read what you said Kathryn about when your son got older and went to college it got a bit easier.My son is 8 and i guess i am just seeing my whole life in this place. Also i find it hard to come to terms with the fact that i don't want to be with him all the time, it may sound silly but because he idolises me i feel that it would hurt him so much if he knew this. After these difficult few days i am accepting that i have some resentful feelings towards him (didn't know i had), but it isn't his fault and actually since i have realized this, i feel better towards him and see him far more positively.

Thanks to everyone,

[hev]

hello,good to see you on here again <'> you come back a year later and im still moaning

ive got a letter today about councelling cos i asked doc to refer me,i tried it before but i gave up half way through cos of relationship probs,im going to give it my all this time though as ive heard positive things about councelling.

 

i also get resentful about steve sometimes and its only something i can admit on here because it feels like a failing,obviously i love him dearly but it gets on top of me sometimes.

 

i think the others have given you good advice,ive nothing to add just to say we do know how you are feeling and ive heard many positives from members with older children that things do get better so im holding on to that thought,take care love hev