Can someone advise me please

[stressedmumto2]

My son's father is dead against my child going to boarding school and I need some advise on this.

 

Basically my child has recieved virtually no education since last Jan, he's currently at home with me everyday untill we go to tribunal. At present he is much calmer but that is because he's not at school but when he has to go to school because of his school avodiance and refusal his beahviour at home is totally disruptive. He is on alot of medication something of which I would like him to come off one day but there is no way he will be ready for it for a long time.

 

I really want him to go to a residential school. I know it would do him the world of good, for starters he would have the consistancy that I cannot provide 24/7 not just that I feel he will get into trouble with anti-social behvaiour as he gets older and follow a similar pattern to that of my brother, who I really worry about.

 

Tonight I have spoken to my sons dad again and asked him if he will visit the school I have in mind. He said he doesn't wnat to go because he thinks that if my son is away from me it will kill him, he actually said this "he will be dead, he will kill himself". My son often refuses to go to his dad's and to school but this is because he doesn't know what will be happening, what he will be doing etc and he obviously likes his home creature comforts i.e. pc and playstation. At this rate though if we don't get him into the right school my son's life, well he's not living unless being stuck in front of a playstation all day is living.

 

His dad just doesn't get it and I don't know how to make him see sense. I've asked him if he will have son stay with him for 2 weeks, he had him 4 days, I've asked if son could live with him temp and he's told me no way. He doesn't offer the help when I really need it and he doesn't properly support neither of the two children we had together.

 

What can I do? I really want to get dad round to the idea. His dad has not had to go through all the stuff I have with my child being school refusal, having the meltdowns that last 4 hours every night, having his place smashed and being abused by your own child.

 

I feel that his dad has tried to make me feel guilty tonight. I've just had to pay for private reports to be done on my son before that the LA had my child down as a badly behaved child, but he's got so many difficulties that his dad thinks sticking him in the local ebd school where there are no trained staff in autism and related difficulties will be fine, dad has also told me he's not got any money to help pay towards the one assessment he said he would pay towards.

 

Sorry for the long post, boy I do feel a bit better getting that all out.

 

Now any advice anyone? please

[reuby2]

<'> <'> <'> <'> <'> <'> <'> <'> <'> <'>

 

I really feel for you and your situation.I don't know what is the answer, but I do know that his Dad has no right to make you feel guilty when he isn't around to see what the whole situation is really like.At the moment my son ( 8 ) wont do anything without me , doesn't like being with my hubby (i'm not staying with that idiot!! etc) but when he is left with my hubby, without me he has a good time and it brings him out of himself. I think it's terrible that you are being left to make all these decisions without any support. If you feel that the boarding school will do your son good, then trust your instincts. I haven't any experience in all this but I'm thinking of you and hope you get some support in all this <'> <'> <'>

[JsMum]

Hi can I ask if he is very likely to go to this specialist residential school? and does it have trained staff in Autism? can this school offer him a 24 hour full programme of education, social and recreational opportunities? and can the school provide further assessments once he is their?

 

may be if the answer to these are a yes then there is some chance the dad is scared because then others will see your concerns where right and the lack of responsibilties with him may show more once he is somewhere that are going to be able to see he has Autism and needs specialist care and attention.

 

I think personally if he is given this opportunity to attend the residential school and I have a feeling what the results will be that he will have a life worth living, a life with support and understanding and a place where he will hopefully feel safe and secure with the adults that will be looking after his well being whilst in a place recieving this kind of support, I think the proofe will be in the pudding and I really do daught that if this is the right place your child wanting to kill himself becaus he is away from you will become a very distant thought and if anything you may need to be persuading him to come home at weekends because he just might want to stay so he can participate in the recreational activiites that they have on offer for those who dont have caring loving parents waiting eagly for them, so I would try and see who is right becaue so far you have been right in the long road you have traveled with your son, and I know that you are going to be doing what is best for your son.

 

I think dad is worried incase this actually goes in your favour! and your prooved right with what support and understanding he needs and thats a whole range of areas that meet all his needs not just his education.

 

At the end of the day the only approval you need is your LEA, YOURS and your Sons and this spersific school your looking into.

 

JsMum

[stressedmumto2]

Ah, thanks for the replys' and thanks j's mum.

 

I think tbh dad is worried that when son does come home at the weekends then son will not want to see him, that was his worry two months ago anyway and I told him if that were the case as much as I may not enjoy it then we would have to put past behind us and do family outings or his dad come and see him in his home. I think really it's time we put the past behind us and try and get along, he's got a new life I have too and it's about time that before we think what is best for us we need to think what is best for our child.

 

The only prob is the LA are not on my side and the way dad was with the old school going behind my back etc I feel he may try and do this with the LA. The school willbe able to offer my son alot more than I can and a local education, the private specialists agree he needs 24 care but his dad doesn't agree, the sad thing is he is writing at 2 and half years below his age and his dad doesn't give a damn.

 

I'm feeling a bit better now

[smiley]

<'>

 

Aren't ex's delightful... (guess that's why they're ex's... ).

Anyhow - i can understand how you are feeling. It is very difficult to get the balance right. Maybe your ex is feeling out of control of what's happening? - is it possible he is going through his own stuff trying to come to terms with whats going on?? ......... Or is he just a pain in the backside! .

 

Does he have parental responsibility? If not, there's very little he can do if he wants to stop any decision you make about your son. If he does - then if the LA do place your son in a residential school, i doubt very much that your ex's objections to it will do much damage - if that's where he needs to be, then that's where he needs to be IYSWIM. My ex initially objected to our son being statemented *i don't want a special needs child* - but, once the ball was rolling (and he received all the advice from professionals) he didn't oppose it anymore.

 

Hmph - sorry, i'm not getting my thoughts across very clearly am i!!

Edited January 4, 2007 by smiley

[Kazzen161]

Likewise, my ex didn't think T needed to go to a residential school - but he never actually objected - just left it up to me to make the decision - I think he thought that if it went wrong then he could blame it all on me.

 

You do have to trust your instincts.

 

Karen

[LittleRae]

My first reaction is that if his dad is not experiencing the problems, is not willing to have his son stay with him & is not willing to contribute financially, then I wouldn't consult him!

[ksasnic]

Ditto D's mum..

 

It seems that the dad has issues that he is pinning onto your son. Does your ex have any idea what its like for your son ? I'd inundate the bleep with loads of information just leave it in your sons overnight bag when he goes and stops.. enlist the help of others who may be able to get through to him... just leaving the literature might be enough for him to pick up when no-ones looking and give it a read...

 

What does your son think about the school ? If he is all for it maybe ask him to write to his dad about it.

 

Good luck and in the mean time big hugs... <'> <'> <'>

[loulou]

Hi, <'> <'> <'> <'> <'>

 

I was just reading your post and was wondering the same as Smiley. Does your ex have parental responsibility? Also, as you have residency of your son, then i really don't think he has much say. I can understand why you would want him on your side, conflict with an ex is not nice, but you have to put your son FIRST.

 

I can't remember how old your son is? My son is 8 now and he was off school for 18 months with refusal/phobia after being excluded when he was just 5. I was petrified of him going back to school and he practically became a recluse and wouldn't let me leave his side whilst he was at home with me.

 

He now goes to an EBD school (which i was also petrified about) and he boards 2 nights a week. He actually coped really well and settled in after only a few weeks (the staff had to literally peel him off me at the door, but within 15 minutes he was fine). I am lucky in that his school is excellent with ASDs (30% of the pupils are on the spectrum), so it's been great. Their routines suit him really well. However, his behaviour at home is quite challenging so i'm looking at residential schools for the future.

 

Whatever you decide will be the best for your son, stick to your guns because YOU know what's best for him.

 

Loulou xx

[hev]

js mum your reply made me feel lot better about things,thanks <'> <'>

 

stressed mum to 2 its all very well your ex saying these things but he should realise that you have not taken this decision lightly,you know whats best for your son,your ex might also be saying it in an ex hutrful kind of way as only exes do best

 

if he was to sit down with you and discuss rationally how hes feeling instead of saying your son will kill himself which i think is a terrible thing to say to you,im in the process of my steven going to residential and its hard enough coming to terms with it,without the added pressure you must be going through with your ex.

 

keep strong and let us know how you get on love hev

[stressedmumto2]

Feeling a bit more on top today. Think dad is just saying it to try and be hurtfull.

 

Dad doesn't have any parental rights. About a year ago it was being pushed on me as a way to get him to help more and I refused it by saying he should wnat to help without having it on paper. I did say if he could prove himself that he was willing to help when I needed it and not just when s/s call him then I would agree but it never happened.

 

Somehow I knew that whatever I wanted for our son he would try to intervene, he thinks that if his son went to a normal daily ebd school and got hit it would teach him a lesson, yep he's said that too.

 

I'm gonna fight for residential with or without his dad's backing, he's not here to help despite living less than 3 miles away and just leaves me to get on with it, on one occasion when my son who is 8 went for me with a glass bottle in a park because I said we had to go and he couldn't ride his bike any longer his dad just stood and watched and didn't intervine, he can stand back and watch me fight I am not going to let my son fall deeper into depression and be dumped in a school that wont meet his needs.

 

It's a big fight, I haven't got the backing of the LA or s/s but I do have the backing of some very good friends who I know are with me all the way, they know who they are ;-)

[JsMum]

Try and visit your local MP in your area as well and write a short piece why a residential school will meet your sons needs and try and get his backing too, they are very positive and helpful and I know they do make a big difference in getting people to listen.

 

At tribunal you could ask that the school your thinking of be named and request he has it funded by your LEA? is this what the tribunal is for or is it to have an assessment for Statementing?

 

 

JsMum

Edited January 6, 2007 by JsMum

[stressedmumto2]

Hi J's mum. I had a councillor involved at the very begining, he was abit useless tbh and because the guy who works for our LEA seems very nice, everyone listens to him about how good the local school day placement will be, tbh the school they want my son to go to did used to be relatively ok a few years ago but that has gone down hill, especially for children with ASD'S as the school do not have the trained staff or the understanding of ASD children.

 

I am going to tribuanl over my son's placement for him to get a place in the residential school. The LA think his educational needs can be met in their school and don't care about his emotional well being etc.

 

It's a fight but if I don't win I know I can appeal it again and at least his needs will be recognised in the statement and he will get the support he needs, that's if the school follow through with the statement anyway.