TA trouble - UPDATED (I'm fighting back)!

[oxgirl]

I'm still feeling very sad and down about school.

 

My son's TA keeps calling him rude and selfish and I'm very unhappy about it. Rude and selfish are quite insulting terms, I think, and they're not the right words to describe my son. It's true that he does come across as abrupt sometimes, but he's not meaning to be rude, and he doesn't always consider other peoples' feelings, but that doesn't make him selfish. Am I just being over-sensitive and over-protective, am I just making excuses for him?? I don't know, I just don't want people going around calling him unkind names and insulting him. I know he needs help with his social skills, but I don't think shaming him is the right way of going about it.

 

What do you think, do you think rude and selfish are accurate words to describe our kids??

 

~ Mel ~

Edited March 6, 2007 by oxgirl

[Bagpuss]

Mel, no , I don't think those words are appropriate It beggars belief that staff in an ASD unit are using this terminology to describe the pupils behaviour Hope you find a solution Mel...you know you can PM me whenever you want. Take care hun <'> <'>

[bikergal]

No I don't think they're the right words to describe our kids. Dd1 came home from school the other day upset about several things , one being that the TA asked how her music lesson went, to which dd1 replied 'ok'. TA then went on and on saying 'is that all you can say, ok?' Well, excuse me she does have a communication disorder she should think herself lucky she got a reply at all! <'> <'> <'>

[dooday24]

no way she should not be calling him these words, its disgusting.

[Karen A]

Hi I also think the TA is being totally inappropriate.If she spoke like that about my child and I was present or another adult witnessed what was said I would complain to the HT.

It sounds like she is in desperate need of some training.The TA is using negative language to label the behaviour that relates to a disability.

Rude =lacking understanding of appropriate social behaviour.

Selfish=lack of empathy.

I do believe these are the very things that the TA of a child with ASD is employed to provide support with.What is his/her view of why your child needs support.

A TA would never dream of saying that a child with hearing impairment just did not listen.So why is this considered ok.

Also if the TA is using such negative language then other children will pick up on it which does nothing to help your child.

Edited March 1, 2007 by Karen A

[curra]

Mel

It'not appropriate at all. Some people think that by saying insulting words to a child, it child will react and make a bigger effort. That is wrong and it doesn't work with NT children either. Those words humiliate and frustrate a child and they don't empower them to bring out the best in them. With ASD children they have an even worse effect because ASD kids can't help (in most cases) the behaviour for which they are being called names. It's much better to model a positive behaviour to them and just say that such and such a thing are just not accepted. For example, "swearing is not allowed. What better word can you say instead of that one? " Then praise the child for using the right one. Your son's TA seems to need urgent training.

 

Curra

[cmuir]

Hi

 

That's disgraceful. I'd be fuming if my son's TA called him rude and selfish. How dare she! She should be doing her job and helping him how he should react in social situations whilst at school. I have noticed that my son can come across as being a little rude and selfish. I firmly believe that he doesn't mean to be, that this is because he genuinely doesn't realise that that's how other perceive him (again, perhaps down to not recognising or realising how he should act/speak). It's about learning and encouraging - not criticising in a non-constructive way. He needs support and encouragement. This person is clearly negative and I'd have concerns about what kind of effect she'll have on your son.

 

Caroline.

[JsMum]

oxygirl I think this is dreadfull, and totally letting not you down when you pick him up but it must be very emotionally damaging when your son hears these negative insults, you know that I would be describing this kind of behaviour into a letter of complaint.

 

I am really angry that your son has to recieve very poor teaching, its appauling, it really is.

 

NAS have a education helpline they may be able to help you further with maybe an advacate or a supporting person incase you choose to challenge this person, as I know what I would really like to do, other than the more mature way!!!!!?????

 

its a real let down, so hope you can sort something out.

 

We think he is a great young man, so tell him that we dont think them things of him and here we love him.

 

JsMum

[oxgirl]

Thanks everyone, you've just confirmed for me what I already believed, that this TA working with him is totally without insight and understanding. And I'm supposed to walk away every day and leave my son in the care of this person??!!

 

I really don't know how to go about handling it though, I've got such a bad relationship with the staff there now. If I go all official and send an official email to the Head of the Unit, they'll just resent it and think I'm excusing his 'rudeness' and 'selfishness', but if I have a 'quiet word' with her, I know she won't listen and I'll end up getting all steamed up and frustrated. I just hate this so much. I just want to be able to walk away and trust that they'll do a good job, but I just can't, all my trust in them is destroyed.

 

~ Mel ~

[Karen A]

Hi Mel.What sort of unit is it ? If it is a specialist ASD unit and the staff have so little insight I am not surprised you feel cross.Karen.

[oxgirl]

Hi Mel.What sort of unit is it ? If it is a specialist ASD unit and the staff have so little insight I am not surprised you feel cross.Karen.

 

 

Yep, it's supposed to be a specialist ASD unit attached to a mainstream secondary school, but I am constantly flabergasted by the sheer lack of understanding and insight and imagination that some of the staff there demonstrate. There are some good people working there, but, unfortunately for us, my son is saddled with a stuck-in-her-ways, near-retirement old woman who spouts rubbish, such as 'I brought my kids up to say please and thank you', and ' so-and-so is a very rude little boy'. Once, when I was upset and crying because my son has no friends, she came out with the gem, 'well, maybe you should try taking him places then'!! When I (rather shocked) stated that actually I do take him places and he hasn't any friends because he is autistic, she went on to ramble about how 'so-and-so is autistic and her mum takes her all over the place, she's off to Canada in the hols', etc. Honestly she talks total rubbish and everything she says and does infuriates me. Heaven forbid that I should criticize a member of their precious staff though, that would be totally unreasonable and unfair of me, wouldn't it!!

 

Blimey, so sorry to rant Karen, bet you weren't expecting that, were ya, not sure where all that came from!

 

Cheers. <'>

 

~ Mel ~

[JsMum]

The best thing to do is to write a letter of complaint to the SEN Department, you wont be the only parent who has been upset by her remarks, opinions and total disregaurds, she sounds really hurrendous.

 

The NAS Education advacacy Helpline I am sure would help you with the letter and process, the treatment your son is recieving is not on and she needs to be accountable for her behaviour not only towards your son but to you as well, she is demeaning you and devaluing the good that you do.

 

I really do insist you complain, put it in writing and go to the top.

 

Its bullying, thats all I can see here.

 

JsMum

Edited March 1, 2007 by JsMum

[Faithnomore]

Have you ever tried speaking to the Parent partnership? They deal with parents that have SEN kids and know how to deal with all sorts of issues. I contacted them again recently as AJ needs to go to school, he cannot grasp the concept of doing school work at home. They've been pretty helpful to me. Having read your posts I'm not surprised you want to HE again.

[caren]

Its disgusting IMO and think the TA's should have more training , I too had a problem last week with our TA and she told kurtis was being bad ( i was shocked) he's so quiet and placid that he's never thrown one trantrum or stamped his feet , after mark shouting her down cause she was trying to cure him off we went to see the head master and what ever was said or done kurtis is now sleeping through the night ( 7 months of no sleeping ) mark asked the head master for her to go on a normalation course and he agreed which were doing well 2 different courses now we have requested she goes on and he agreed to both

 

I hope you can sort some thing out cause the pain and upset of leaving your child with a TA who just don't understand is awful <'>

[Clare63]

<'> Oh Mel I am so sorry to hear about this and so angry I just don't know what to say that has not already been said above. I know these problems with this TA have been going on a while you must be exhausted with the constant battle with school. The old battle axe is probably at home now all cozy with her feet up.... how dare she and how does she sleep at night, what a blinkered, judgemental, thoughtless bully !

Clare x

[oxgirl]

Thanks again everyone. I really don't know what I'd do without you all and your support, I feel so alone sometimes (not alone in that I know).

 

I will def. complain to someone, not sure who yet. Jay has been off sick for the last two days and maybe tomorrow as well, so it's a nice break from that place.

 

~ Mel ~ <'> <'>

[curra]

Mel <'> <'>

 

I would write a letter to the Head explaining problem and asking for an appointment to discuss this further and find with the school a way to sort things out. Try not to think or mind how they will react , just have your son in your thoughts and stick to your guns. Teachers usually comment that parents are excusing their child's behaviour, but they must listen to the parents and accept a child's statement. It's hard to face school staff when there are tensions, but you have a right to expect appropriate support for your son. If they refuse, you can complain to the Chair of governors with a copy of your complaint to the LEA. Then you'll see how fast they'll find a solution

I'ts a good idea not to go alone to meetings with the school. Ask a friend or someone from PP to go with you. It makes an enormous difference when you are being backed by someone!

 

Hope Jay gets a good rest at home.

 

(Sorry for the typing errors in my previous post - I clicked on "send" too soon )

 

Curra XX

[Karen A]

Yep, it's supposed to be a specialist ASD unit attached to a mainstream secondary school, but I am constantly flabergasted by the sheer lack of understanding and insight and imagination that some of the staff there demonstrate. There are some good people working there, but, unfortunately for us, my son is saddled with a stuck-in-her-ways, near-retirement old woman who spouts rubbish, such as 'I brought my kids up to say please and thank you', and ' so-and-so is a very rude little boy'. Once, when I was upset and crying because my son has no friends, she came out with the gem, 'well, maybe you should try taking him places then'!! When I (rather shocked) stated that actually I do take him places and he hasn't any friends because he is autistic, she went on to ramble about how 'so-and-so is autistic and her mum takes her all over the place, she's off to Canada in the hols', etc. Honestly she talks total rubbish and everything she says and does infuriates me. Heaven forbid that I should criticize a member of their precious staff though, that would be totally unreasonable and unfair of me, wouldn't it!!

 

Blimey, so sorry to rant Karen, bet you weren't expecting that, were ya, not sure where all that came from!

 

Cheers. <'>

 

~ Mel ~

 

 

 

 

 

Don't worry .....you rant away.We are in a fortunate position.Our elder [NT] son is at the same school as Ben.He is one of the most intelligent,socially skilled individuals the teachers have come across.So if anyone is tempted to criticize I can always think .....take a look at the one I made earlier.

Although even that can be difficult for Ben-having the most highly regarded child in the scool for a brother when you are regarded as one of the most challenging does not help brotherly love.

Karen.

[julieann]

I'm still feeling very sad and down about school.

 

My son's TA keeps calling him rude and selfish and I'm very unhappy about it. Rude and selfish are quite insulting terms, I think, and they're not the right words to describe my son. It's true that he does come across as abrupt sometimes, but he's not meaning to be rude, and he doesn't always consider other peoples' feelings, but that doesn't make him selfish. Am I just being over-sensitive and over-protective, am I just making excuses for him?? I don't know, I just don't want people going around calling him unkind names and insulting him. I know he needs help with his social skills, but I don't think shaming him is the right way of going about it.

 

What do you think, do you think rude and selfish are accurate words to describe our kids??

 

~ Mel ~

Hi Oxgirl ,

I think your son needs one of my 12 inch laminated prompt cards. I use them for non autism friendly staff but maybe your sons TA should have one.

 

PUPILS WITH ASD'S ARE NOT RUDE

Rudeness implies knowledge of what is socially acceptable, and a conscious decision to disregard it.

THIS ABILITY IS LACKING IN PUPILS WITH ASD'S

 

Edited March 5, 2007 by julieann

[oxgirl]

Hi Oxgirl ,

I think your son needs one of my 12 inch laminated prompt cards. I use them for non autism friendly staff but maybe your sons TA should have one.

 

PUPILS WITH ASD'S ARE NOT RUDE

Rudeness implies knowledge of what is socially acceptable, and a conscious decision to disregard it.

THIS ABILITY IS LACKING IN PUPILS WITH ASD'S

 

 

 

I think you're right, julieann, this TA certainly needs something anyway, maybe retirement!

 

~ Mel ~

[Clare63]

Julieann,

That's excellent, got anymore of those 12" laminates ????

[smiley]

Mel That made me go all misty eyed reading what the TA says to your son Disgusting.

 

There are sooooooo many positive ways to handle our children, there's really no excuse.

 

If it were me - I'd begin by having another word with the TA (probably won't get you anywhere...but still...). Then I'd go to the Head of the Unit and tell him/her of my concerns and ask for a meeting to discuss it. I know it's an ASD Unit - but are there any autism outreach workers in your area, maybe PP (if your's is a good one), anyone really, who can back up what your saying and who is outside of the relationship you have with the school. Keep it all noted - dates of meeting and outcome etc, keep a diary of what was said and when - is there anyone else who has heard her speak to him like this?..... If it's still going on I'd be going higher up.

 

Really, really hope you get this sorted - it is bullying, and should be stamped out quickly. <'> <'>

[butterfingersbimbo]

i would also be fuming if they said this to ellie!!! i am just reading martian in the playground, ask them if they have got a copy, and if so then they should give it to the fossil TA to read!!!

[Canopus]

I am getting fed up with the way ASD kids are being treated by staff at school, but this is absolutely disgusting. Has this TA had any training in dealing with kids with AS? From the looks of things she appears to be a crotchety old ratbag obsessed with Victorian style etiquette that never existed in practice. You really need to have a meeting with the head about this.

[annie]

Hi Mel,

 

I hope you manage to get these comments stopped. I know from my own son's experience that his teachers had no idea of the amount of damage they did to his self-esteem with thoughtless remarks .

 

Annie

xx

[David Matthew Baker]

I don't think any child should hear those sort of comments. That is just going to make any child feel like a failure and stop them even trying to work to the boundaries imposed by the adults in a class room. It is far better to be positive where ever possible. Just like the number of teachers who tell students off for moving or humming. It would be far better to harness that energy in such a way that it encourages and promotes greater learning. I'd much rather be in a class where it is obvious that all the students are happy and content than in one that is silent. I also know which I'd have learnt better in. There needs to be some controls but many people take it too far. That said there is certain behaviour that does need dealing with (the more physical when there is not an underlying problem that is the cause of it).

[Flora]

Mel,

 

Sorry I'm late to this thread hun.... <'>

 

It seems to be a common occurance. Bill has been called rude, selfish, etc etc in the past by the teacher he had for the last 2 years at secondary school. He used to get really upset by it, and he still brings it up now..I'd definately find a way to put a stop to it. One thing Bill isn't is rude... if anything he's overly polite.... but ignorance can make some people perceive the behaviour as rude or selfish.... It makes my blood boil.

 

Flora <'>

[oxgirl]

Thanks peeps, you've all made me cry 'cos you are the only people who will listen and understand.

 

I'm still struggling with this business and haven't spoken to anyone at school about it yet. It just seems that each and every day something else is said and done that makes my blood boil, that I end up coming to the point where it's all too much, I don't know where to start to complain about these people or tell them how let down I feel by them. Problem is I don't really think they care, that's the truth of it, when I raise concerns I'm just seen as a nuisance. When I go to the school now it all just boils around in my head and I end up tight-lipped and silent and sullen, I sit in the car fuming and glowering and I just can't express it all in one sentence, I can't bring myself to speak to them. If I put all my concerns and fears on paper though it would run to three or four pages, I'm sure, and it would just end up in the bin anyway. I feel so overwhelmed with sorrow and frustration about this awful place that I don't know what to do with myself half the time. Not sure I can go on much longer like this though, the pent up emotion and frustration and stress is making me very ill.

 

Thanks for listening. <'>

 

~ Mel ~

[Clare63]

<'> <'> <'> Oh Mel , these school battles are so tiring and as you say they just don't seem to care or understand. Guess its up to us Mum's, Dad's, carers etc to keep the fight going, no one else with any power to change things seem to care. You put it all down in writing to them and copy as many people in as possible (School, TA, Head, LEA, SS your MP - someone will take notice) tell them how it s making you feel not to mention your poor boy and then the fall out you have to deal with. Print this thread off and give them that !!! oh sorry I am so angry that they have upset you so much and have made you feel so down. Please don't give up on this one, you've got all us lot behind you, you are no alone. I wish I knew what to do to help you more. <'> <'> <'> <'> <'> <'> <'> <'> <'> <'> <'> <'>

Clare x

[David Matthew Baker]

If you send it to the schools SENCO it should get listened to. Also send a copy to the head teacher and the head of the governors body. That way upper management should check it gets dealt with. If you can give referenced facts as to why what is going will have a negetive effect on a child with autism I expect it would help too. If that doesn't work send a copy to the LEA.

Edited March 5, 2007 by David Matthew Baker

[oxgirl]

UPDATE

 

Discussed the whole thing with hub last night and how to go about approaching these people. In the end we agreed that he should phone the teacher at the Unit and ask her if she thinks it's acceptable for her staff to be calling our son names. He did it today and he said she agreed that it wasn't right and that she would be talking to the TA concerned. So, we'll watch this space. He arranged a meeting with her and the Head of the Unit for two weeks time.

 

In the meantime, I'm making notes of all the things that this woman does that I'm not happy about. E.g. today:

 

- She was mistaken about something during an English lesson, but when Jay tried to explain it to her she point blank refused to listen to him, leading to him getting very frustrated and getting sent out of the lesson, for HER mistake! When she is wrong (which is very often, I might add) she will not admit it and back down, she will not listen to him.

 

- She was supposed to teach him History in the Unit today, but instead asked him if he could just sit and do his English homework instead to save her having to go and get the history book!!

 

I've got my guns out for this woman and when we go to the meeting in two weeks I'm gonna let them have it with both barrels!! Hope my nerve holds!!

 

~ Mel ~

Edited March 6, 2007 by oxgirl

[caren]

UPDATE

 

Discussed the whole thing with hub last night and how to go about approaching these people. In the end we agreed that he should phone the teacher at the Unit and ask her if she thinks it's acceptable for her staff to be calling our son names. He did it today and he said she agreed that it wasn't right and that she would be talking to the TA concerned. So, we'll watch this space. He arranged a meeting with her and the Head of the Unit for two weeks time.

 

In the meantime, I'm making notes of all the things that this woman does that I'm not happy about. E.g. today:

 

- She was mistaken about something during an English lesson, but when Jay tried to explain it to her she point blank refused to listen to him, leading to him getting very frustrated and getting sent out of the lesson, for HER mistake! When she is wrong (which is very often, I might add) she will not admit it and back down, she will not listen to him.

 

- She was supposed to teach him History in the Unit today, but instead asked him if he could just sit and do his English homework instead to save her having to go and get the history book!!

 

I've got my guns out for this woman and when we go to the meeting in two weeks I'm gonna let them have it with both barrels!! Hope my nerve holds!!

 

~ Mel ~

 

 

good for you hope things are sorted soon

[annie]

Hi Mel,

 

Well done to you and your DH for speaking to the school. Keep making notes of anything that happens between now and the meeting because if, at the meeting you have something to refer to with dates etc. it will let the TA/school know that you are serious . Having said that, at the meeting, stress that you want to work with the school and not against them. Let them know why the comments will have such a negative effect (low self-esteem) and explain to them that your son's reactions to the TA's actions are a part of his ASD and not something he does for the fun of it. Give the school some strategies that work for you at home. I know it's hard, but try and stay calm.

 

Annie

<'>

[David Matthew Baker]

Well done on trying to get things sorted. Hopefully things will work out. Fingers crossed for you.

[Bagpuss]

Good luck with the meeting Mel <'>

[Clare63]

Go for it girl that's the spirit. Good luck for the meeting Clare x <'> <'> <'>

[pearl]

Mel,

Big hugs to you. If they decide to replace the TA is there any way you can have a say in selection of new one? We were lucky in that we had an enlightened school who always included us in the selection process & we always got good uns this way. The one time they appointed someone I wasnt happy with, I fought against it & won. She wasnt a nasty woman but I could tell she just wasnt the right personality to get the most out of J. I was allowed to "vet" her replacement & new within 5 mins she'd be fine. She was with him for 8 years & moved over to High School with him Your child gets one chance at an education so you are right in what you are doing.

Keep us posted, thinking about you.xx

[oxgirl]

Thanks everyone, I'll keep you posted on what they say.

 

Wow, Pearl, that's amazing that you get to choose your own TA, there's no way on this earth I'll get a say, I don't even think they'll replace the one they have, they'll probably try to persuade me what a good job she is doing , but I know I won't get any say at all in who supports my son, NO WAY!!

 

~ Mel ~