How are you treated by your childs school?

[mum22boys]

Hi,

 

I have come to the conclusion that I can't be the only one who is treated like dirt by their childs school. I may be the only parent at the school made to feel like it there but I am sure there are others on here that feel the same way i do.

 

M's school have no understanding of his problems. The Head hates to be told anything and even if she does suggest something she doesn't bother to act on it. But what really gets me is the staffs attitude towards me and M. They regard him as a naughty child and me i'm sure as a neurotic mother who can't control her obviously undisaplined child For the past two years everytime he has had a tantrum and i'm at the school (you know what it's like, they usually kick off at the beginning or end of the school day) the staff just walk past me like i'm not there. I am holding down this incredibaly strong 7 year old whilst he headbutts me, kicks me, bites me and shouts abuse at everyone that walks past and it's like i'm not there. I thought that once I proved them wrong that I knew there was something not right and had a diagnosis that things might change but they haven't. My guess is that the staff are told to ignore me and M. I don't even know if she has told the staff that M has ASD. I doubt it, or if she has they don't know what it is.

 

Yesterday he had problems with some kids, the Head has told him to come and tell her if he has problems. She never told him what to do if she wasn't there, and suprise suprise she wasn't there. He came out of school gave me no background information as they don't, just assumed i knew what had gone on and demanded I take him to find the Head. Ok I thought he has just had a problem and he needs to see her, so we go to the office. i tell the stroppy bulldog looking woman who regards herself as the secretary M would like to see the Head. She bluntly replies, 'I've told him once shes not here' Now he starts crying and screaming that he needs to see her. Then the teacher PA shouts out 'If you carry on crying we won't tell her at all' He them goes into a massive tantrum and I have to hold on to him for half an hour whilst 5 members of staff walked past like I wasn't even there. His support teacher from that day got a load of abuse from him because apparently he tells me he kept getting into trouble because she didn't call his name first and he had no idea she was talking to him as well. The support teacher looked at M when he shouted at her and smirked

 

Now am I the only parent being treated like dirt or do others have this sort of treatment at their childs school?

 

I sent in a letter of complaint today about their attitude towards us and also their lack of understanding of M's problems.

 

Please let me know i'm not the only one treated like it.

 

mum22boys

[peppa]

Oh my word the way you have been treat is discusting!!!!!!!! I hope the letter has some posotive effect.

 

Up to now dd's school are great,but she is only in nursery so time will tell

 

Best of look for a more posotive future xx

[JsMum]

Do you have a Autism outreach unit that could come and support you at the school, it does look like they have his behaviour all misunderstood and their attitude does not in anyway help, secretaries at Js school are very good and would of explained to him that the head was not in his office, but that another teacher could be if he likes one, J has at least three named staff because there could be times in the day where that teacher isnt available.

 

I would keep a diary of the attitude and their reluctance to support you when you are having to restrain your son, once I had to restrain J in the playground and the staff led us into a little room out of view where I let him go and he was able to express his anger more verbally, but I didnt need to hold him with spectators.

 

They could of provided you an area where he could of calmed down.

 

The problems are their lack of empathy and understanding but from the sounds of it your son has a great mum who is dealing with a child who is very challenging and having to walk away with very little support, that in my eyes makes you a very strong lady, one who can rise above those who actually could be in a position to support you greatly.

 

I do hope your letter makes them see that they are not providing enough support for both you and your child.

 

JsMum

[Bullet]

Who diagnosed your son? Could you ask them to write up a brief report explaining why he has his difficulties and then give copies to all the staff?

[mum22boys]

Thanks for your replies.

 

M was diagnosed about 6 weeks ago by a peadiatric consultant. She is lovely and although we didn't by any means go into our problems with the school we think she guessed by the message book that the school supply me with (took me over a year to get that). She has written a very long report with a management plan for M which involves him needing lots of classroom support, support with moving round the school, and support at lunchtime. She also phoned the Head to go through his problems and will be coming into the school next month for a meeting with the Head, us, and Autism advisory. Although I am very pleased it feels it is our last hope before we make the decision of whether to move him if they won't support him. Now the funding system has changed who knows if she will actually commit to spending any of her budget on M.

 

The AA teacher is actually useless. She constantly tells me things could be worse, something i just don't want to hear. The Head seems to have her version of how m is at school, but i must say since the school diary/message book began it will prove she is a liar. She told me the other day she can't remember the last time M had a tantrum, yet the book tells another story with things happening sometimes on a daily basis. I have photocopied the book in case the Head confiscates it, I doubt she knows it exists.

 

we have decided to request a statutory assessment when we attend this meeting, hopefully the consultant will back us and so will M's 1-1 private tutor that he has twice a week after school. I doubt if the school will. I would love to move him from the school and he hates it there anyway, but his younger brother is in Nursery there and due for his assessment in September at the CDAC so we are holding out for then until we make a decision.

 

I hope my letter makes them see how we feel but i just don't think it will. Loved the fact i used the word disability constantly throughout it so she can't ignore it.

 

mum22boys

[mum22boys]

Had reply from school, am in tears, they blame me again

 

mum22boys

[KateBall]

I'm really sorry. <'> I do know what its like. I had trouble with attitude from my school early on - for the first 2 1/2 years I'd say. In the end I went for a diagnosis only because I wanted to wave it at them and say here now you've got to do things the way I say. You've got to understand and stop blaming me or my ds.

We didn't get a dx - because he's too sociable Anyway at the camhs meeting I told them why it was important to have a dx and got angry with them. They did dx a cover all "communication disorder" and sympathised with my problems at school and agreed to come out to have joint meetings. This was the turning point. The meeting involved the OT, the SALT, ED Phsyc, SENCO, LSA's and HT. At first the meetings were frosty - but the aim of them was simply to work out a strategy to deal with my ds and his problems, learning and tantrums etc. We had about 3 or 4 meetings in all and then SUDDENLY the school attitude changed towards me. No more defensiveness or being dismissive but instead much more empathetic. I have no idea what specifically caused the change of attitude. I must admit I was very tearful at one or two of the meetings and just kept saying I want them to understand how much their input and way of dealing with ds was important. I was supported by the professionals and eventually the whole situation turned around. Now the school are brilliant. They accept my ds doesn't know right from wrong - isn't just being naughty and they are very protective of him encouraging his integration in the school. They implement strategies to deal with him in crisis situations. There was one other very important person (I thought so at least) at the meetings. She was the lea advisory teacher. She was very good - and I felt was on my side. Maybe she had a word.

 

I do strongly urge you to persevere. Know from our support here that you are right. Because you are. Just keep plugging away but try and involve the other professionals - like I did if you can although I know perhaps I was lucky to have them all together for the time I did. I never got personal with the school - what I mean is that I always tried to remain focussed and objective. If they listened and did something right - I thanked them. If they didn't I challenged them. I think this may have left the door open for them to have a change of attitude towards me.

 

I really hope you can achieve the same.

[dooday24]

sending u loads of these <'> <'> <'> <'> <'> i know exactly how u feel having really hard time with the school just dont get that reece is different to other kids really annoys me, hope things get better love donnaxxx

[rainbow queen]

totally agree with you

your not alone

although my son has no firm dx of asd ....

hes in year 1 and ive already moved him from one school which were terrible in attitude to me

i thought this other school would be better as they do have dealings with asd

but alais it is better but not 100 %

i was thinking it was just cause we no dx yet....but it looks like from yours and many other posts that even when u do have a dx not much improvement happens then

<'> <'> <'> <'>

[palgem]

hi

ds is dx aspergers and has a statement which is shortly under reveiw he is still treated the same we have the out reach team involved and things r slowly changing but the schools atitude remains so somethings hi-lighted may not change anything .you r far from being alone

bye paul

[oxgirl]

So sorry, mum22boys, I'm having terrible problems with my school at the mo as well. <'>

What did they say in their letter?

 

~ Mel ~

[Clare63]

<'> <'> <'> <'> <'> <'>

I am so sorry too and can truly empathise, this school business is a total nightmare.

Don't forget your are a fab Mum to 2 wonderful boys ! stay strong and keeping fighting.

Clare x

[onlycrazygal]

im so sorry this is happening to you hun.....

my experience was a nightmare that snowballed into something much bigger.

the school failed to recognise my sons difficulties....

2 years down the line im fighting a pending care order.

stay strong sweet, theyve no right treating you this way.

hugs,

paula

[loulou]

Hi,

 

<'> <'> <'> I've been there with Kai when he was in mainstream. You are being treated appallingly, and so is your boy. As for the PA's behaviour, .

 

I remember pinning Kai to the floor in the school corridors to stop him attacking people when he was distressed. The Head just stood over us saying, "You need to be firmer with him."

 

What did they say in the letter? I definately think you should apply for Stat Assesment. You will need back up from the Paed, as it doesn't look like the school will support you. I applied for Kai's myself (took 2 attempts) as his school just thought he was naughty and i was too soft .

 

Stay strong and don't feel intimidated by these people. You need to fight for what your boy deserves, which is NOT being treated like this.

 

Loulou xx

[di30]

Hi, for years ever since Dan was 4 I have been trying to get some help and support from the schools, he is now 12 and it's only now things are coming to a light, but as he is now in the first yr of the secondary school and the head of year is aware of this and we did mention to members of staff at parents evening in case they haven't been made aware of (AS). Dan has been referred for his Diagnosis for next month.

 

What really annoys me is the 'the head of year' mentioned at the beginning of SEPT/OCT 06 they will help and support Dan all they can but want his official diagnosis before they can give this !!!

Surely they can still give this ??

 

It had taken me stacks of letters to the 'HEAD of YEAR and SENCO over the last few weeks/months, also emailing the EP, LEA and as we have been requesting a meeting for a long time now, last one was in Jan 07 with the EP and SENCO due to Dan's ongoing difficulties, especially as its come to the point of Dan skipping PE etc and hiding away during these lessons.

 

As soon as we mentioned about PP (parent support services) they got back to us, so now we have a meeting early in June.

 

I think its disgusting and don't believe they all understand anything about ASD etc, and I think the schools should have staff meetings, watch films/clips etc and learn something about this.

Due to this I have seriously been thinking about 'Home educating' but yet this probably wouldn't do a lot for his social skills.

If they do not resolve this, I may mention at the meeting, maybe this will give them the push they need. What do you think ?

 

Cheers.

Di xxx