getting worried about dying

[Eva]

Hi all,

 

I was wondering if anyone could give me some advice on what to say to my son (he's 6).

 

He's recently been getting very anxious about dying. My MIL passed away a couple of years ago and my partner told ds that she's now in the clouds, which at the time he accepted. Now though he's asking how old are you when you die and if we'll die. At first I thought he was asking, how old is old (how he phrased the question) and I said 70ish but he took that to mean that's when people die. So then I changed it to 500 because he was getting so upset and stressed, and told him that we won't die.

 

Ds came up with the idea that when we get to 70 we'll go back to being 1 again (if only) and he's insistent that this will be the case. He's also got another theory that people in families won't die but people without families will - don't know how he came up with that one!

 

I suppose I'm after anyone's thoughts on how to tell things as they are without being scary, if that is possible!

 

 

Any advice weclome!!

 

Eva

[cmuir]

Gosh, I thought we were alone in this - my son is 5 and talks a lot about death, dying, etc. In simple terms I've tried to explain to him that everyone dies without causing alarm. I not a believer in heaven and hell and believe that when you're dead that's it basically (it's a bit like sleeping, you don't feel anything, move, breathe, etc). I've tried to explain that partically if someone is old, unwell and suffering, that when they die that that person isn't in pain anymore, etc and that that's a good thing. I've also had to explain that mummy and daddy will hopefully be around for a long long time!

 

This is such a difficult topic to cover particularly for a young child. I guess by trying to demystify the subject that that may help. I'll be watching this with interest.

 

Caroline.

[brooke]

Hi

My son is 6 too and has been asking questions very similar about dying. What age etc i just said when you are very old but i also ended up saying you go to heaven in the sky as he looked quite frightened when i tried explaining about being buried Its very hard to explain without making them worried. I dont really believe in heaven and also more questions start coming when you explain about that and i feel as though im being dishonest (im the same with the tooth fairy!!!!). He hast asked any more except how do you get to heaven And why does the tooth fairy want my teeth

[aro]

My aunt died last week and I'm finding hard explaining to dd (4 1/2) that a funeral is where you say goodbye to that person but you don't SEE that person

 

As for death I say that the body has stopped working like when a toy stops working. The person was too ill or old to "mend" and we wont be able to see them any more which is sad, but we can think about them.

 

Really not sure what dd takes in though as she doesn't question any thing and I worry that she is worrying about if we will "disappear" too as she was very clingy most of last week. Also don't want her thinking that any old cold is going to see us off

 

 

The funeral is saturday, fingers crossed she copes, especially with everyone being so emotional (which she finds difficult to understand)

 

A x

[llisa32]

Hi....my son is 7.5 and has also been asking lots of questions about dying/when/how etc for probably the last couple of years on and off.

 

I've been as truthful as I think he can understand without upsetting him...ie..sometimes people's bodys just get worn out - usually when they are 'really' old - so he needn't worry about himself. He did then start asking what age are you when u die and how do you die etc. I now use humour with him and pretend to get all indignant if he seems to be worrying about either me or my mum popping our clogs....I'll say ' you have no chance whatsoever of getting rid of either of us!' - ' you are unfortunately stuck with both of us' 'and now I'm going to try and pinch your bum

 

I think because death is such an illogical thing, they struggle to understand why it happens/and when it happens - as we all do really, but does seem to be more difficult for our kids to come to grips with.

 

I'm actually worried at moment as my mum is pretty poorly with heart problems and the two of them are as thick as theives - he even knows where she stashs the spare cash and he won't tell me So I'm dreading it if I have to run through this for real while he is still so young.

[mand]

When my boys were a similar age they used to watch the video of Grandpa. Its musical and visual and is about death but done in a gentle moving way.Peter ustinov is the granpa.Its done a bit like the Snowman.

I don't know if there are copies available still as it came out in the early 90's, but it helps put old age and death into perspective from a childs point of view.

 

Mand

[oxgirl]

Eva, it's not easy, is it. There are some quite nice books around about the subject, I saw some in the library recently. My lad was 8 when my mum died. I thought it important to be as factual and honest as possible with him, because if I contradicted myself I knew it would just confuse him, but I did try to keep my answers as short and simple as possible. On the subject of heaven and stuff like that, I like to say to him, 'some people believe this and that', because then he could get some comfort from the idea of heaven if it appealed to him. My hub doesn't believe in heaven at all, but he still feels it important to give Jay the option to believe it because the alternative can seem a bit stark really for a small child, imo.

 

Good luck and hope the anxiety fades soon. <'>

 

~ Mel ~

[Bat]

We've had this one with Pipsqueak, and we've gone down the route of peoples bodies are like machines and sometimes they get to sick, too old or too broken to fix. We've explained that their spirit leaves their body and goes to heaven (I didn't want to scare her with any other ideas), but that the bodies stay here with us, and we need to do something with them, as we can't keep them around, so we have a funeral to let us say bye, and then either bury them in the ground or cremate them, that way, we know where they are and they are safe adn there is somewhere to visit to help us remember people we have loved.

 

She's taken this really well (she loves logical things), but can't get used to the idea of using the word funerals or buried, and will insist on asking 'if dead people have been graved yet? '

 

I've also told her she won't be getting rid of dad or I for a good while yet, that I intend living forever to keep an eye on them .

 

Bat

x

[Deedee]

We haven't had a problem with questions about dying as such.My dear MIL passed away suddenly 2 years ago and when we tried to explain it to M he casually said 'Oh she's moved to Spain!' although when he looks at her picture he says 'She's dead now,she died..'

We also took the broken toy approach as it seemed to fit better with M's level of understanding as he now knows if a toy is broken it has to go.

M usually comes out with 'when I'm borned again will you still be my mum?' It breaks my heart even thinking about this sort of thing really..Some days he is so unaware of life in general and with no empathy for anyone or anything then we suddenly get a real emotion seep through so I do think his understanding of this sort of thing is growing..

[Eva]

Hi,

 

thanks for all your fantastic replies!!

 

The broken toy analogy is good one, I might give that a go. (The potential problem is that when/if J gets ill, he might decide he's like a broken toy and will die...). I'll also try to be very logical in my approach - he'll like that. I hate fibbing but I'm finding that the truth about certain things is too much. Recently I was reading some info about the sun, (DS is interested in the solar system), and I read that bit about the sun exploding in a few million year's time. Poor DS got very anxious and worried about that too, so I told him the good news - scientists have changed their minds and the sun's not going to explode anymore.

 

Deedee, that's such a heart-wrenching thing for your son to say - these kids think in such amazing ways.

 

Mel, I like the approach of 'some people believe that...'. You're right, it could be more comforting for a small child.

 

All your ideas and suggestions have been really helpful. It's funny how a common age for worrying about death seems to start at around 5 or 6.

 

I hope your mum is going to be okay Lisa <'> . The whole thing is so hard, isn't it.

 

Cheers all,

Eva

[purplegail]

Hi

 

My daughter showed absolutely no emotion when my Grandad died just before Christmas (she's 15) and has never really talked about it from a young age.

 

Recently and very worryingly she has become obsessed with dying herself and tells me daily that she'll be dead before she's 20!!!! I try to ignore it but at the back of my mind is the talk I once attended at which the speaker mentioned that suicide was commnon in teenagers with Aspergers

 

I sneaked a look at her diary where she talks about ''wishing she was brave enough to kill herself''

 

 

Gail