KateBall Report post Posted July 26, 2007 why is it that no one ever says "well done" for doing so well with your ds. Well done for looking after him, being patient, taking the abuse, the thumps, the kicks, handling the tantrums, the never ending questions, the funny looks in the street or the shops, the lack of any real social life, the stress and hassle, the lack of income because you just can't go out to work, the heartache when he gets bullied or is unhappy because he has no friends, putting up with having no friends yourself, having to work out how to say things, how to get him to wear things, not wearing perfume or hair spray, not belting out loud music ................. Sorry, feeling sorry for myself and fed up with feeling that actually what I get is that knowing look - she must be a bad mother, she must be soft on him, lets him get away with things, makes a rod for her own back, I know better than her what to do with him, he's fine with me - must be her. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
mrs.ddh Report post Posted July 26, 2007 I hear you, hon. It is frustrating and overwhelming sometimes, isn't it? Things getting on top of you? Been there, done that. Now what you need is some time to yourself, or a good cry, or an ASD-free moment or two. Anyway you can do any of those? Or all three at the same time? A bubble bath with a mag? A video only you want to see? With popcorn or sweeties? You are not a bad mother, and as for those looks from others - ah, blast them. What do they know? I tend not to see them anymore, to my peril! This week I took son (HFA14) to lunch with his two sisters (Both NT, but then I wonder) and we then went to a few charity shops to have a good mosey around. Well, son decided to try on all the wedding hats and chose one (a pink number with veil) and wore it in the shop the entire time we were there. I didnt think anything of it. I only thought he looked rather attractive in it. Well, shop assistant was not a happy bunny about it, and I failed to notice. Not until my daughter nudged me and told me that he was making a scene did I realise that he was. Oh! The shop assistant was glaring and fuming! I calmly told my son to remove the hat and put it back, which luckily he did without a fuss. And this is just one of many occurences...he often sings or dances or squeals or jumps in the middle of wherever we are - to the shock or horror of everyone else. (He is six foot one - so he does take people by surprise with his antics.) I am sure they think he is rude and inconsiderate of others, but I know differently - and that is all that matters. So sod them I say, and so should you. Hang in there, KateBall. And go have whatever makes you happy for a moment or two. You deserve some down and fun time. Race you to the chocolate. ddh Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
llisa32 Report post Posted July 26, 2007 Hi Kate...really sorry you're feeling low today <'> I know how you feel...it's awful thinking that everyones watching your son's behaviour and knowing that they are most likely blaming you...and they're not there to see the constant full on attention that he demands. And if he's anything like my son he does demand...like a little sargent major on a bad day!. It's gets really tiring and it can just grind you down. Every other day now I try and sneak a little bit of me time...even if just 15 - 30 mins where i'll have a good soak, or read a gossip mag...or watch one of the soaps (thats my fav actually for a cheer up! - nuthins ever as bad as their lives . Like you my social life is currently on hold for most part cos I'm usually too worn out to bother if I do get the chance! I and many others on here no doubt will tell you that you ARE doing a great job, and it's probably the hardest one we ever get...pays rubbish..and barely no time off for good behaviour! ...but your son loves you. When I've had a rough day with mine I take a peek when he's sleeping and looks all cute and angelic....just to remind me Y I put up with him! : ) You know you're a great mum, so hold your head up, stare the ignorants in the eyes..and don't take up any of your time with them - def not worth sparing the energy for. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
summertime Report post Posted July 26, 2007 a couple of years ago I was sitting with my eldest in the cafe at our local BHS when a family came in, they sat at a table for four with their little girl aged about 3 and baby aged about 6 months. dad went and got some food and they all sat together eating and chatting. nothing unusual there you may think but they had another child, aged about 7, clearly autistic and while this little scene played out he ran around the table continually circling it and squeeling. he seemed quite happy in his persuits but other people weren't and you could see them thinking what are the parents thinking letting him act like that. I felt such admiration for the parents, they were clearly doing the best they could for all their children and handling the situation well. I wanted to speak to them, to acknowledge that I realised what was going on , and to say well done. but i was stopped by how condesending that could have appeared, so instead I just smiled as I walked past, but I still remember them and wish they knew how much i admired them Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Clare63 Report post Posted July 26, 2007 Kate..... <'> <'> <'> So true, you hit the nail right on the head, I frequently feel this way. Think the only people who understand are other parents like us or members of this forum ! You are a great Mum and you do more than your best and it is so dam hard I know. Take care and try to spoil yourself a bit Clare x x x Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
pearl Report post Posted July 27, 2007 <'> Kate <'> I've felt the same so many times, cringed at the looks & comments when JP was younger. I wish I was as bolshy then as I am now. These days he's relatively inconspicuous when we are out & about. We dont get half so much criticism as we used to. And friends & family, who know how far we've come, DO say well done - but you know what, I dont know how to respond, it embarrasses me. But pleases me too. One thing I've learnt over the years, I NEVER give "that" look to another family - I've been there too often myself. I bet none of us do on here. Next time it happens, say something like, he's autistic, whats YOUR excuse for being so rude? And watch THEM cringe for a change! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
krystaltps Report post Posted July 27, 2007 Couldn't have put it better myself, Pearl. I think having C has taught me to be a better person... and I never give other families THAT look either, because unless you spend a day in their shoes, you have no idea. I just wish that other people would adopt the same philosophy. On the plus side, as C gets older - I AM complimented on him in shops. He is a stickler for rules, and politeness (such as please and thank-you) is very important to him (not with me though :tearful, and only, so far, it would seem in shops ). Three times since the summer holidays started at the end of June, shop assistants have remarked on what a very polite and well-mannered boy I have. This is something that C has learned and likes and has put it into action with lots of practice.... and those few little remarks have made up for all of THOSE looks and small-minded comments over the years. Your time will come <'> , and it may not be much, but it will make you and DS glow with pride. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
ellisisamazing Report post Posted July 28, 2007 Kate <'> Sunglasses work for me on a bad day, I just zone out and smile sweetly.....it really confuses stupid people! All the stuff said here makes perfect sense and much of the advice here is the things that I do, We had a blow out from El today (he didn't sleep last night and is constipated again!) and people were staring, I just carried on and then when a certain judgemental "lady" kept staring and glaring and tutting, I just said, "ok, the special needs show is over now, so bye and......thanks for watching!"(in sarcastic tone) She went a lovely shade of scarlet, and scuttled off! Made me feel better, anyway! Take Care Lisa xx Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Pippin Report post Posted July 28, 2007 "I just said, "ok, the special needs show is over now, so bye and......thanks for watching!"(in sarcastic tone)" Lisa, I just love that one!!!!!!! It's now carefully wrapped up and in that little pocket at the back of (what's left of) my brain, waiting for a chance to use it. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
ellisisamazing Report post Posted July 28, 2007 (edited) pippin, feel free to use it, I can be very quick off the mark somedays....I sometimes shock myself with how cutting I can be, but I only use that side of me if I am really irate! One thing that has happened to me as a result of El's disability is that I seem to have grown the biggest pair of virtual "balls", I will not roll over and lie down and take "stuff" anymore, I feel gutsier and that I have to be strong. It's ok to say no and speak up for yourself! Lisa xx Edited July 28, 2007 by ellisisamazing Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Bard Report post Posted July 28, 2007 pippin, feel free to use it, I can be very quick off the mark somedays....I sometimes shock myself with how cutting I can be, but I only use that side of me if I am really irate! Lisa xx In fencing, it's called a riposte, and you use it after someone has lunged at you first! Seems perfectly fair to me. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
ellisisamazing Report post Posted July 28, 2007 Bard, Girl Power and all that! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
ellisisamazing Report post Posted July 28, 2007 Right I'm off to do the birthday party...bbl! Lisa xxx Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Pippin Report post Posted July 28, 2007 (edited) For once i feel sad that the only thing I'm off to today is full of poeple who know P so I'll have to save that comment for another day (edited cos I cant spell!!) Edited July 28, 2007 by Pippin Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
KateBall Report post Posted July 28, 2007 Wow you guys - thanks so much. Sunglasses - yep that's a good one. Perhaps a baseball cap too? I love the short sharp - "he's autistic what's your excuse for being so rude" that's definitely remembered for next time - as is "the special needs show is over". Its just I was feeling so bad because it was the end of term and going out of my way to thank everyone for helping my ds I realised that - hang on - who actually pats us on the back. No one. That wouldn't be so bad if it weren't for the fact that all we get is suspicion that the reason our kids are like it in the first place is something we must be doing wrong - or there is nothing "wrong" with them its just hysterical mother syndrome. I don't know what I would have done without this forum over the last few weeks. Even if you don't post every other post is helpful or right on target. If only the professionals would listen to us all as a whole. They would learn a hell of a lot. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
