excercising tough love

[Flora]

Just looking for support and reassurance that I'm doing the right thing.... I KNOW I'm right, but it's bloomin' hard and I just need to hear it from others.

 

Bill has a typical aspie obsession/special subject... video games. He can complete a new game in less than a day and knows all about the history of video games, even the one's he doesn't like!

 

He's already managed to wangle his birthday present early from me, then from his grandma (birthday AND christmas) in the form of an Xbox 360 plus game from me, and a wii plus game from his grandma.

 

Yesterday, he was seeking me out to talk about all the games that are being released for the wii, not asking me to buy one but using a lot of emotional leverage in order for me to offer! I didn't take the hint, and instead just sympathised generally and agreed how frustrating it is when you can't have what you want right now and either have to wait or not have it at all.

 

Anyway, this escalated in a melt down of mega proportions, which resulted in me sobbing with him, then us talking half of the night. When bill is in this state he seems to find his voice and all sorts of anxieties and worries come pouring out... His life is terrible (which it is), nothings ever good enough for him (which is true), then the wishing he could just die so he didn't have to feel like this anymore. Then a new one, 'of all the millions of people in the world why did this have to happen to me?'....it's so distressing to see your child in such a state of despair.

 

I realise that Bill hides from himself via his use of video and computer games. When he is absorbed in a game he doesn't have to face up to the reality of his life.

 

We got through it and I haven't backed down... but it's sooo hard, absolutely necessary but hard.

 

Flora

[llisa32]

Hiya <'>

 

You did the right thing, J has a similar obsession with his games and will do almost anything to acquire presents 'early' or barter for one every week if he could. We also have the problem that he obsesses with anew one for practically 24hrs - week, and it then sometimes never gets touched again.

 

I've had some very tough convs with him pleading for yet another game and me telling him we've spent enough that week and he can't have a new 40.00 game just 'cos he wants one' everytime he asks.

 

I know how hard it can be - especially as it sometimes seems to be the only thing they really enjoy, but I think they do have to learn that sometimes you can't have everything all at once 'just cos you want it'.

 

I sometimes get round this by saying ok...we haven't got x amount of money to spend on a game this week but lets look through ebay to see whats on there and see if we can get a bargain...he's sometimes then happy to wait for bidding to end and postage etc, and I've got another peaceful couple of weeks and a bit of extra cash!

[jb1964]

I realise that Bill hides from himself via his use of video and computer games. When he is absorbed in a game he doesn't have to face up to the reality of his life.

We got through it and I haven't backed down... but it's sooo hard, absolutely necessary but hard.

Flora

 

Hi Flora,

 

Just sending lots of thoughts to you - it is so hard to do - we have the same as you say - when our daughter is absorbed in something she doesn't have to face up to the reality of her life (she is so aware of her differences now and does become sad/lonely/depressed).- and sometimes where possible it is easier to give in than face the consequences - but it doesn't help her for the future - yet at the same time we want to save her from any more heartache (because the heartache my daughter suffers over things like this is almost like pure grief).

 

Even though it might not feel so great at the moment - you've done the hard bit now.

Take care,

Jb

[oxgirl]

I realise that Bill hides from himself via his use of video and computer games. When he is absorbed in a game he doesn't have to face up to the reality of his life.

 

I can totally empathize with this, Flora, Jay is exactly the same. As long as he is sitting by the pond examining the fish and insects and snails then he doesn't have to think about all of his problems, he's an expert at distracting himself from having to think about what he can do to help himself.

 

You def. did the right thing in not giving in to him, though, I know it's very tempting. Before the pond, Jay's 'thing' was Lego and he acquired so much of it in the end that we can hardly move in his room. Somehow it felt as if the Lego seemed to compensate for his lack of friends and independence, in a way it made US feel better to give him things that made him happy, but, again, it was just a distraction from the reality of his loneliness and it doesn't help in the long run.

 

Maybe Bill could save up his pocket money each week and look forward to treating himself to the games he wants. He'd feel so good when he finally manages to save enough for them, but they have to know that they can't just have what they want instantly and that THINGS are not substitutes for friends or a social life, however comforting they are.

 

Here are some <'> <'> <'> <'>

Be good to yourself.

 

~ Mel ~ <'>

[pearl]

Oh love its hard isnt it, what Bill said is exactly what JP says during/post meltdown. Heartbreaking. And yes you did the right thing <'>

[Nic m]

Well done, i think you are doing a great job.

Nicola

[Suze]

<'> oh he sounds just like my DS, we are currently obsessed with the machinery for sale on E-bay.........he tracks the ones he wants then makes you come and see how "cheap" they are what a bargain they are and how we really really need a tractor, baler, trailer, dumper etc etc.He can spend hours looking at stuff and watching the bids go up , and getting more and more agitated. , Flozza your totally doing the right thing and being a great mum <'> , hugs suzex

[baddad]

Firm boundaries and lots of love.... sounds like a winning combo to me! <'>

 

L&P

 

BD

[elun1]

<'> Sounds to me like you dealt with it really well. I know it's really hard but they need to find out that the boundaries we set don't move as a result of tantrums - I do know how emotionally draining it is (so awful to see them upset) but I think W and O feel much safer with boundaries <'> <'>

[stressedmumto2]

Sound slike you dealt with it really well. <'>

 

 

Suze your son sounds like mine, ours is fishing equipment!! last night he looked all through e-bay and wanted me to buy him a commercial lobster pot, like when does he go out to sea!! when I said you know, really it's not worth buying one as you will need a boat etc to go out to see in he was distraught, which led to verbal and physical aggression, wish I could just ban e-bay.

 

My son is not so into games anymore which is a bot of a godsend but will spend hours searching images etc

[lynyona]

That darn ebay as lot to answer for lol kieran spends hours searching for his things his latest obsession photos ,football shirts etc.and he adds them all to favourites then if i cant come and look straight away he can show me later bless

[Pets74]

i have just read through this, and LOL at the ebay - thought it was just us. my boy is happy just to look and it's the only way i can get him to type.

 

my son is quite severe though and we don't think he knows he is different, i don't know how i would cope with the questions and statements your kids make about being different. it breaks my heart just reading about it. ( i hope that comes accross the way i meant it and not as something else)

 

all seem to be doing a wonderful job though. <'> to all.

[pearl]

Is there any way of blocking it, all hell would break loose at first but may be worth it in the long run?

JP seems blissfully unaware of ebay, for which I am truly thankful

[krystaltps]

Just read through this... and C is EXACTLY the same: from game obsessions right through to ebay, and the pokemon website (which gives the American release date for the games thus instigating the usual twice-weekly conversation about how American games don't work on our machines and why, and how long it'll be before it's released in Hong Kong or Japan and can we order it then)!

I thought it was just us.

I think you did exactly the right thing - although it is very hard to do. C hasn't reached the stage of discussing his feelings yet, but I'm sure if he could he would say the same things.

He can be very very manipulative too. This week's tactic was "How can I cheer up when my hamster has died? Can you think of anything to cheer me up? I know - a new Pokemon Emerald game might just do it because my old one is broken" - I'm ashamed to admit it worked and, because we couldn't find said game on ebay in the UK from a reputable dealer (one that doesn't sell the fake games) he ended up getting a brand new Wii game yesterday... which has since been proclaimed "cr*p" and has been ignored since last night in favour of Pokemon Diamond on his DS.

Usually I make him earn the games - he has to do chores to earn money. This works quite well in principle as he's learning you don't just get things you have to earn things - but his organisational skills are so poor that I usually have to re-do the chores afterwards.

My concern is the amount of time he spends playing the games. I sometimes wonder if I should set him a limit... but then quickly change my mind - life wouldn't be worth living without C having access to his gadgets (he's even allowed to take his DS to school, they use it as a reward/sanction for him) - for him and for the rest of us.