Am I over-reacting

[elainem]

Hi

 

I have twin 7 years old boys one with ASD. They are in the same mainstream class and M has full time support. They often get invited for tea and play and we reciprocate. Last week one boy invited my NT (J) boy for a play and not my ASD (M) boy. I was a bit upset for M but he wasn't bothered and that was that. But yesterday same boy has now invited J to his party and not M. I know it's hard with parties 'cos of numbers but I would never invite one twin to a party and not the other other. To be fair M is not bothered but I think it's lousy and mean. Not going to say or do anything but I just wanted to sound out on here. Thanks!

 

Elaine

[pumpkinpie]

Its annoying but understandable.

Kids have different friends and whatever the diagnosis need their own space. Whilst it maybe sad for your asd twin hell have diffenrnt friends and there will be times hes invited places and the other one isnt.

I just think whilst you wouldnt have left anyone in the class out we cant all invite everyone all the time and is it fair to let your son miss out because you are annoyed?

Id let him go and just put it down to a irritation rather than something to be worried about and examined

[elainem]

Thanks for that. I wasn't going to let J miss out. I was just quietly seething about it but wouldn't let that affect either of the kids! I know what you mean about numbers and that's what I was saying - I don't think any of us invite the whole class and we have all missed out kids and it's hard. I just felt it was a bit mean to miss out a twin brother I know I wouldn't do it. Maybe I can't be rational about this. Thanks for you input Elainex

[jlp]

I can see that people are within their rights to invite on child and not another in a class and I suppose you can't really say anything - however there's no way I would invite one twin but not another from the same class.

 

There could be the possibility that the parent of the twins has to bring the other twin to watch children in their class have a party and not join in themselves which feels cruel to me and I wouldn't do it.

 

To my way of thinking it would be different if they are in different classes, particularly if they are siblings in different years as this is the norm and even the children seem to understand this but to invite one twin but not another when they are in the same class does seem a bit mean to me.

Edited September 27, 2007 by jlp

[Cariad]

I get the same thing with the DS. It is hurtful, but maybye people don't know how to handle him or are afriad to ask as they are unsure. If M isn't bothered maybye take him out with you when J goes to the party, for example an indoor adventure centre with balls and slides and bouncy castles, spoil him a little. I'm sure as time goes on M will get friends, it's just harder as far as ASD goes. <'>

[Flora]

I personally think it's awful

 

when my youngest child was in reception there were two reception classes, and identical twins were seperated into these two classes. when Ben had a party I invited both twins even though he didn't know the other one, but I just felt that you couldn't invite one and not the other.

 

I don't think you're over reacting at all. My best friend has twin girls and we often discuss this. It's important that they are allowed to develop as individuals and when they get older they will undoubtably have seperate frieneds, but when you're talking about really young children I don't think it's appropriate. As they get older the natural progression of friendships occurs and they will understand that, but young children just see it as being left out. Especially, as someone else pointed out, the other child will have to at least accompany them when picking up and dropping off, even if they aren't actually hanging around at the party.

 

flora

[wishingwell]

Have your twins been to this childs party or house before.

[elainem]

they've both been to two parties once at the house and once bowling. last week my nt son went to the house on his own.

 

I know there's nothing I can do it just makes me feel better venting on here so thanks guys!

 

Elaine

[jlp]

We all need to vent somewhere

[wishingwell]

Before going to the party, plan something special for M and you to do, so that he has a lovely time because he will mind when the time comes even though he will not say. I personally wouldn't have left him out. But its not fair on his twin brother not to let him go. God this is so difficult for you to watch! <'> <'> <'>

[mum23]

Hi all,

Things change with time, my 12 year old ASD son was invited to a party but his NT! twin brother was not invited to said party even though the lad knows both my boys, he just gets on better with one than the other, it's a twin thing I think more than just an ASD issue cos when my boys were younger they both never got invited to parties!

Anna

[elainem]

ok well it's even worse now. My boys have invited one friend over each for a sleepover and M has picked his best friend C. C's mum has just asked me can J (nt) go for a play 2moro and not invited M. I said I would check diary. I have ended up making a total twit of myself in school with one of the TA's as it was the last straw and ended in tears. I am worried now because I just told her the whole thing and she guessed the name of the child in the last instance as she know he is M's friend. I have asked for her confidence as would hate for any of the mums concerned to know. She has to keep it to herself doesn't she as it's her duty to be confidential? I'm really worried now. Why do I have to let it get to me and why couldn't I just keep my mouth shut. Elaine

[mossgrove]

One thing you can do is play it all innocent and ring the mum concerned and say is it alright if you bring both boys to the party as you you have no childcare available for the twin who isn't going, and make her be the one that has to feel awkward about it.

 

Simon

[brooke]

I agree with flora my friend has twins and i think she would be upset too if this happened, althoug oftern for her its her youngest who isnt a twin that gets left out. Id maybe see if they could both go <'>

[wishingwell]

I like Simon's idea.

 

Do people not realize the hurt they cause or do they not care.

[Bard]

I do know how distressing it is when one child is left out, but I also know how difficult it was for my NT daughter.

She went through a phase of not being honest with me about how she felt when she was younger.

She thought it was her duty to have to include her brother in her activities, and at one point she stopped wanting to go to places because she found his company too difficult, and other people associated her with all of his negative, aggressive and anti-social behaviour.

She was very distressed by the number of family social events that he had meltdowns at and had to leave, and then she felt that she couldn't stay because it was disloyal to him and us as a family unit.

So she was miserable, angry and guilty all at once. And she was 10.

So I suppose this long and rambling reminiscence is to say that I like wishingwell's idea.

Both of them get a treat, and you have to struggle along with your heart breaking because you love them both so much, and it isn't fair.

However, if the choice for other children is perceived as both twins or neither, the danger is that the other children and the mothers may seek less complicated friendships. And then the worry and sadness increases for all of you.

There really isn't an easy answer, but that is often the case. I'm so sorry that it's happened so soon.

[Kazzen161]

I would not expect a child to invite both of my Twins to a party - just the one they are friends with. It is hard if one child is more popular than the other, but as someone else suggested, just make the most of some 1:1 time with the one left at home.

 

The worse case would be where one Twin is not invited beacuse the parent feels they would then have to invite the other one.

 

My bugbear was when people gave the Twins one card or present between them!

 

I always did the invitations individually as "R invites you to his party" and "M invites you to his party", so the children didn't feel they had to buy them both a present, just the one that invited them. They do share some friends now, but mostly have their own.

[elun1]

<'> Personally I can see why you feel so hurt. My boys are not twins but there is hardly anything between them in age really and the one who is autistic is never invited to parties unless it's from another child in the autistic unit. O doesn't notice and doesn't care but it's ME who feels like howling that things have turned out this way

Have some <'> <'> <'>

[sesley]

Hi

 

I have twin 7 years old boys one with ASD. They are in the same mainstream class and M has full time support. They often get invited for tea and play and we reciprocate. Last week one boy invited my NT (J) boy for a play and not my ASD (M) boy. I was a bit upset for M but he wasn't bothered and that was that. But yesterday same boy has now invited J to his party and not M. I know it's hard with parties 'cos of numbers but I would never invite one twin to a party and not the other other. To be fair M is not bothered but I think it's lousy and mean. Not going to say or do anything but I just wanted to sound out on here. Thanks!

 

Elaine

 

My 7 year old asd son has had plenty of party invites,his older brother got jealous of him because he didn,t get so many. I have asked to go along with him to look after him and give him time out,when he gets too excited and acts inappropriately, and he enjoyed some of the games,but did find them a bit noisey and wanted to go home so we did, the most recent one he prefered to play with the parrty boy,s trains and didn,t want to get involved with watching the clown,then he was perfectly happy playing on the swings in the garden and eating the choclates and crisps. The pass the parcel games were quite amusing,he threw the parcel around to the next person and was amused at the dissappointed crys of the child missing out on the prize