Can't do this everyday....

[Clare63]

Guess this is a bit of a rant really, but feel I need to let it out before I attend a meeting with school this afternoon.

 

My 12yr old DS dx'd with Aspergers, is a very anxious and reserved young man, he's no trouble, well behavied, clever and almost invisable. He is constantly scared, anxious and stressed about school and we have enormous difficulties every morning getting him there, to the school he is fine and is coping, but its a totally different story at home, with constant meltdowns and sleepless nights. I feel as if I am throwing him to the lions every morning, he looks that terrifed and I feel so awful that I am letting him down and expecting him to cope with an environment which seems totally alien to him.

 

The school in their wisdom have deceided to start withdrawing the little support they give him (a TA to meet him each morning and take him to his tutor group, the purpose of which is to get him through the front door and to address any changes that there might be that day and not having to do PE which causes him great anxiety) whilst I am all for helping him to become more independant, the way they gone around this has been so damaging and their expectations of him have been very high. They have started to be a bit short with me and have said the outreach worker supported their ideas, but noone has told or asked me ! (should I have had a report from the outreach worker detailing her recommendations?)

 

Not having any academic special needs we have been told we can't have a statement. And just because he managed the first four weeks of school very well they now seem to think he's "cured" and want to withdraw his support, I was also told that because he now has two deaf boys in his form they can not continue with the support first thing in the morning, which does not seem fair.

 

He has refused school the past two days because they have said he has to "try" to do PE, he is not the type of child to stand up or speak for himself and is terrified he'll break down at school, I kept him off on two counts, that a) he was exhausted & tired has not had hardly any sleep nor have I and he had a camhs appointment yesterday. The psycologist is a great chap and was really surprised and dissappointed at what has happened, he even offered to attend a meeting with school if I wanted, though he said they usually don't like us coming in ??? the usual advice is to be pilote but firm with school..... but to honest I don't know how much longer I can keep this up.

 

I feel I am fighting a losing battle on my own and can totally understand how my son feels when he says "no one understands me, I hate my life" I am starting to feel that way too, but I'll never give up on him all he's got is me and all I am asking is for school & others to have a little compassion and understanding.

 

Sorry to go on, but I like to feel someone is lsitening to me.

 

Thanks

 

<'> <'> <'>

 

Clare x x x

[Guest Lya of the Nox]

with u in all of this <'> ><

print this off and all of your other posts and highlight bits and take it with you

are you taking anyone with you to support you? and just hold you hand

 

we get no school support cos she dont cause issue there, but hey ho tis my life lol

 

thinking of you will keep bits XXX for you, i am the one baking looking like i need a wee

take care hunny

xxx

[Clare63]

Lya....

You just brought a smile to my face .... think its just all I needed, knowing someone is there !

Thanks Hun

Clare x x x

[KateBall]

Guess this is a bit of a rant really, but feel I need to let it out before I attend a meeting with school this afternoon.

 

And just because he managed the first four weeks of school very well they now seem to think he's "cured" and want to withdraw his support, I was also told that because he now has two deaf boys in his form they can not continue with the support first thing in the morning, which does not seem fair.

 

Clare x x x

 

 

This is just crazy - I really feel for you. So the support is working so we'll just take it away. They don't have a clue do they? Just because they have other children who also need support doesn't mean that your child, who also needs support, must give way. Hope your meeting goes well and you can make them realise what they are doing wrong. Aspergers is lifelong, doesn't get cured and needs constant support. By changing the support they are adding to his problems. Well you know that - I'm just annoyed with you. Don't waiver - be strong.

[Clare63]

Thanks kate, think I just need a kick up the bum sometimes.

 

Clare x x x

[Bagpuss]

Clare <'> <'> <'>

[Frangipani]

<'> <'> <'> <'>

[oxgirl]

So sorry Clare, just wanted to sympathise, because I'm having exactly the same situation with my lad. He is quivering with fear half of the day because a lad at school is scaring him so much, he can't concentrate in lessons because he's so scared of what he's going to find when he gets back to the unit, he wet the bed last week and now can't sleep and keeps breaking down and telling me he can't cope and it's just too much for him. It's just awful to watch your child breaking apart in front of you, isn't it.

 

So sorry, I haven't any answers, other than keep doing what you're doing. Good luck with your meeting, I really hope they listen to your serious concerns, because they are very serious. A child deserves to feel safe and secure when they're at school and not be feeling constant fear and anxiety. I have a meeting on Friday to discuss my concerns also, wish us both luck all!!

 

Take care Clare. <'> <'> <'>

 

~ Mel ~

[curra]

Clare <'> <'> <'>

 

Your son CAN have a statement even if he has no academic difficulties. My DS got one due to his anxiety and social difficulties. Have you taken your son to the GP? You need to gather evidence of his anxiety (to present when requesting an statutory assessment) . I've sent you a PM.

 

Take care. You are not alone.

 

Curra

[soraya]

When will the LEA give our poor children statements? Nick did not get one untill he was 12 and had a complete breakdown over trying to cope in a mainstream school. It came far too late as so much damage had been done, we were refused a statement 3 times from the age of 6 to 11 . Please please everyone out there fight for a statement while they are still young, as usually when puberty hits life gets even harder for them and without a statement you have no chance of decent help.

[Clare63]

So sorry Clare, just wanted to sympathise, because I'm having exactly the same situation with my lad. He is quivering with fear half of the day because a lad at school is scaring him so much, he can't concentrate in lessons because he's so scared of what he's going to find when he gets back to the unit, he wet the bed last week and now can't sleep and keeps breaking down and telling me he can't cope and it's just too much for him. It's just awful to watch your child breaking apart in front of you, isn't it.

 

So sorry, I haven't any answers, other than keep doing what you're doing. Good luck with your meeting, I really hope they listen to your serious concerns, because they are very serious. A child deserves to feel safe and secure when they're at school and not be feeling constant fear and anxiety. I have a meeting on Friday to discuss my concerns also, wish us both luck all!!

 

Take care Clare. <'> <'> <'>

 

~ Mel ~

 

Awwww Mel, thank you for your kindness, especially as you too have so much on your plate at the mo. Good luck with your meeting on Friday, I don't know about you but I find it so hard to make myself understood.

I'll pop a post on the bottom to let you know how it went.

Take care Mel, thinking of you. <'> <'> <'>

[Clare63]

Clare <'> <'> <'>

 

Your son CAN have a statement even if he has no academic difficulties. My DS got one due to his anxiety and social difficulties. Have you taken your son to the GP? You need to gather evidence of his anxiety (to present when requesting an statutory assessment) . I've sent you a PM.

 

Take care. You are not alone.

 

Curra

 

Thanks Curra, got your pm and sent one back. If you don't mind I will probably contact you in a few days with some questions on how to go about this.

 

Clare x x x

[Clare63]

When will the LEA give our poor children statements? Nick did not get one untill he was 12 and had a complete breakdown over trying to cope in a mainstream school. It came far too late as so much damage had been done, we were refused a statement 3 times from the age of 6 to 11 . Please please everyone out there fight for a statement while they are still young, as usually when puberty hits life gets even harder for them and without a statement you have no chance of decent help.

 

Soraya,

You are so right, this is an awful time for our kids at this age. Please everyone listen to what Soraya has said, before the fight gets too hard.

Thanks again.

Clare x x x

[Clare63]

Thanks Baggy & Frang for your hugs I really needed them. x x x

 

The meeting:-

 

Started well and I felt I got my points across. There had been a break down in communciation re the school/outreach worker and me, well I had not been involved or included !!! I am now awaiting an email from the outreach worker regarding the meeting with school and her recommendations.

 

They agreed to let him have support on going for the mornings.

 

PE they are adament that he will return to PE, as (a) its the law and ( we can't let him win ???? excuse me its not a case of winning the poor child can't cope with it, if he struggles in a regular class how the hell do they think he'll cope in PE, let alone getting changed etc. Anyway we worked on a plan to very slowly introduce him back, ie watching with a TA, getting changed then getting back dressed again etc., they even agreed to provide him with a room in which he can change in alone.

 

With school ending and me worrying that Connor would be outside looking for me, I stood up to go, when they threw in, that we need to think of his future, I said well he wants to go to College and Uni, I was then told well we'll only recommend he'll be able to do two GCSE's he would not cope with anymore !!!!!! then she said have you thought of other options.... and promptly handed me a leaflet on a special school for children with aspergers !

 

I have so much to get my head around and feel totally shocked, I didn't think it was this bad.

 

Well thank goodness its half term next week, I've got a lot of thinking to do.

 

Thanks everyone for their support, sadly it seems we have only just begun.

 

<'> <'> <'> <'> <'> <'>

[oxgirl]

Thanks Baggy & Frang for your hugs I really needed them. x x x

 

The meeting:-

 

Started well and I felt I got my points across. There had been a break down in communciation re the school/outreach worker and me, well I had not been involved or included !!! I am now awaiting an email from the outreach worker regarding the meeting with school and her recommendations.

 

They agreed to let him have support on going for the mornings.

 

PE they are adament that he will return to PE, as (a) its the law and ( we can't let him win ???? excuse me its not a case of winning the poor child can't cope with it, if he struggles in a regular class how the hell do they think he'll cope in PE, let alone getting changed etc. Anyway we worked on a plan to very slowly introduce him back, ie watching with a TA, getting changed then getting back dressed again etc., they even agreed to provide him with a room in which he can change in alone.

 

With school ending and me worrying that Connor would be outside looking for me, I stood up to go, when they threw in, that we need to think of his future, I said well he wants to go to College and Uni, I was then told well we'll only recommend he'll be able to do two GCSE's he would not cope with anymore !!!!!! then she said have you thought of other options.... and promptly handed me a leaflet on a special school for children with aspergers !

 

I have so much to get my head around and feel totally shocked, I didn't think it was this bad.

 

Well thank goodness its half term next week, I've got a lot of thinking to do.

 

Thanks everyone for their support, sadly it seems we have only just begun.

 

<'> <'> <'> <'> <'> <'>

 

 

Don't know what to say Clare, I bet you don't know whether to feel positive or not, but it sounds like at least you were able to get across your concerns.

 

Sending you lots of <'> <'> <'> <'> and hope you have a relaxing and healing half term.

 

~ Mel ~

[elun1]

Can't stay Clare cus O is in the bath but just wanted to send you some <'> <'> <'> <'>

Elun xxxx

[KateBall]

Thanks kate, think I just need a kick up the bum sometimes.

 

Clare x x x

 

 

I hope you didn't think I meant I was annoyed with you when I said I was annoyed with you. I meant I was annoyed with you. i.e. annoyed just the same as you were. I was empathising!!

[Clare63]

I hope you didn't think I meant I was annoyed with you when I said I was annoyed with you. I meant I was annoyed with you. i.e. annoyed just the same as you were. I was empathising!!

 

Oh Kate that's a worry, I really did take that literally first time round, but no hard feelings, I did feel I needed to boot up the bum at the time to pull myself together.

 

Bless you and silly me.

 

As ever thank you for your kindness and support.

 

Clare x x x

[oxgirl]

I hope you didn't think I meant I was annoyed with you when I said I was annoyed with you. I meant I was annoyed with you. i.e. annoyed just the same as you were. I was empathising!!

 

 

Haha, that's funny, I've just seen what you mean ........... 'I'm annoyed WITH you', 'I'm annoyed WIIIIIIIIIITH you', haha.

Ooops, sorry.

 

~ Mel ~

[KateBall]

Have I just had an autistic moment And I thought I was NT

[KateBall]

Thanks kate, think I just need a kick up the bum sometimes.

 

Clare x x x

 

and if I thought I could be so unsympathetic as to say I was "annoyed with you" and get away with it so lightly as this all the time - I might just go power crazy :bounce: :bounce:

[mum23]

Sorry to butt in here as it were!

Clare I think you will find the school can disaply (sp?) a subjet even if it is core curriculum, my son does not do RE as it covers too many of his phobias 'death' the unknown and so on. Also my kids do a diffrent PE to their classmates due to my kids having some medical problems that means they are not physicaly able to do all the PE activities so they either help out with scores or go into a group that are doing somthing they can do. It sounds to me that your school does not want to put things into place for your son because of the cost, taking your sons TA away as they now have 2 other needy students.

Clare my AS son sounds a lot like yours mine is 12 worries about every thing even that he worries so much! he is quiet in class and oh so very polite. School just do not understand the otherside of him, infact his school have no idea what ASD are about at all, but I think they need to come to terms with such problems for the sake of all the kids that need a little extra support. Pleas DO NOT be bullied into this thing about can only do a couple of GCSE's it's complet c**p if your son is doing alright in academic stuff then good if not why have the school not told you before and why have they not got support into place to help him? Very odd I think, may be you could ask for his latest target grades and if they show he is not meeting national average may be you could ask them about looking into some support for him academicly as well!!

My As son is starting to struggle with his academic stuff now as he is unable to cut out all the noise and other sensory stuff, in class thus he can not focus on what the teacher is saying, it is starting to really frustrat him as he wants to learn. We have asked the school many times to produce information sheets for him as he could look at these at home to fill the bits he has missed. Still no help with that one, he has been at this school for a year+ now but nothing. Well now sons CAMHS OT is making an appointment with school to discuss such issuess. Sorry I am rambaling now.

Anna

[Cat]

Hi Claire

 

This is almost a carbon copy of what happened to my son when he started comprehensive school and PE was almost his BIGGEST issue. I wont go into detail but because everyone dug their heals in and said that he was a grade A student and that other problems could be ironed out - meaning they would iron him out - he had a complete breakdown and never got back to school. He was sent home twice n a taxi after having a mega panic attack during a Rugby lesson and still they made him attend the lesson.

 

HOWEVER that was 10 years ago and since then there has been an OFSTED report which clearly states that if a lesson is too much for a pupil and the school have identified what that lesson is, then the school should take it off the agenda for that child. This report is probably about five years old now but it still stands. I am going to have to have a mega search for this but I will and when I find it I will either post a link or pm you.

 

I have lived with what can happen when it all becomes too much for the child and it was not nice.

 

Cat

[Clare63]

Sorry to butt in here as it were!

Clare I think you will find the school can disaply (sp?) a subjet even if it is core curriculum, my son does not do RE as it covers too many of his phobias 'death' the unknown and so on. Also my kids do a diffrent PE to their classmates due to my kids having some medical problems that means they are not physicaly able to do all the PE activities so they either help out with scores or go into a group that are doing somthing they can do. It sounds to me that your school does not want to put things into place for your son because of the cost, taking your sons TA away as they now have 2 other needy students.

Clare my AS son sounds a lot like yours mine is 12 worries about every thing even that he worries so much! he is quiet in class and oh so very polite. School just do not understand the otherside of him, infact his school have no idea what ASD are about at all, but I think they need to come to terms with such problems for the sake of all the kids that need a little extra support. Pleas DO NOT be bullied into this thing about can only do a couple of GCSE's it's complet c**p if your son is doing alright in academic stuff then good if not why have the school not told you before and why have they not got support into place to help him? Very odd I think, may be you could ask for his latest target grades and if they show he is not meeting national average may be you could ask them about looking into some support for him academicly as well!!

My As son is starting to struggle with his academic stuff now as he is unable to cut out all the noise and other sensory stuff, in class thus he can not focus on what the teacher is saying, it is starting to really frustrat him as he wants to learn. We have asked the school many times to produce information sheets for him as he could look at these at home to fill the bits he has missed. Still no help with that one, he has been at this school for a year+ now but nothing. Well now sons CAMHS OT is making an appointment with school to discuss such issuess. Sorry I am rambaling now.

Anna

 

Anna,

Thank you so much for your support, its very important for me to find out what is going on else where for our child to avoid being fobbed off. It was interesting what you said about RE this is another subject my DS has difficulties with, for him its just has not logic.

As you say I think cost as a lot to do with it, I know there is a high percentage of eastern european child there now, who they (the school) have told me have english as a 2nd language, so yet again my son gets moved backwards in the support stakes !

Our son is academically extremely bright, but we warned early on by the pycharatristn that if support is not forthcoming, we could find he will fall badly behind, and here we are just 10 months down the line and its happening already.

Thanks again, I hope too that you manage to get the help and support your child needs.

Clare x x x

[Clare63]

Sorry to butt in here as it were!

Clare I think you will find the school can disaply (sp?) a subjet even if it is core curriculum, my son does not do RE as it covers too many of his phobias 'death' the unknown and so on. Also my kids do a diffrent PE to their classmates due to my kids having some medical problems that means they are not physicaly able to do all the PE activities so they either help out with scores or go into a group that are doing somthing they can do. It sounds to me that your school does not want to put things into place for your son because of the cost, taking your sons TA away as they now have 2 other needy students.

Clare my AS son sounds a lot like yours mine is 12 worries about every thing even that he worries so much! he is quiet in class and oh so very polite. School just do not understand the otherside of him, infact his school have no idea what ASD are about at all, but I think they need to come to terms with such problems for the sake of all the kids that need a little extra support. Pleas DO NOT be bullied into this thing about can only do a couple of GCSE's it's complet c**p if your son is doing alright in academic stuff then good if not why have the school not told you before and why have they not got support into place to help him? Very odd I think, may be you could ask for his latest target grades and if they show he is not meeting national average may be you could ask them about looking into some support for him academicly as well!!

My As son is starting to struggle with his academic stuff now as he is unable to cut out all the noise and other sensory stuff, in class thus he can not focus on what the teacher is saying, it is starting to really frustrat him as he wants to learn. We have asked the school many times to produce information sheets for him as he could look at these at home to fill the bits he has missed. Still no help with that one, he has been at this school for a year+ now but nothing. Well now sons CAMHS OT is making an appointment with school to discuss such issuess. Sorry I am rambaling now.

Anna

 

Anna,

Thank you so much for your support, its very important for me to find out what is going on else where for our child to avoid being fobbed off. It was interesting what you said about RE this is another subject my DS has difficulties with, for him its just has not logic.

As you say I think cost as a lot to do with it, I know there is a high percentage of eastern european child there now, who they (the school) have told me have english as a 2nd language, so yet again my son gets moved backwards in the support stakes !

Our son is academically extremely bright, but we warned early on by the pycharatristn that if support is not forthcoming, we could find he will fall badly behind, and here we are just 10 months down the line and its happening already.

Thanks again, I hope too that you manage to get the help and support your child needs.

Clare x x x WHOOPS CLICK ON THIS TWICE AND DON'T KNOW HOW TO REMOVE IT !!!!!

Edited October 18, 2007 by Clare63

[Clare63]

Hi Claire

 

This is almost a carbon copy of what happened to my son when he started comprehensive school and PE was almost his BIGGEST issue. I wont go into detail but because everyone dug their heals in and said that he was a grade A student and that other problems could be ironed out - meaning they would iron him out - he had a complete breakdown and never got back to school. He was sent home twice n a taxi after having a mega panic attack during a Rugby lesson and still they made him attend the lesson.

 

HOWEVER that was 10 years ago and since then there has been an OFSTED report which clearly states that if a lesson is too much for a pupil and the school have identified what that lesson is, then the school should take it off the agenda for that child. This report is probably about five years old now but it still stands. I am going to have to have a mega search for this but I will and when I find it I will either post a link or pm you.

 

I have lived with what can happen when it all becomes too much for the child and it was not nice.

 

Cat

 

Thank you Cat for sharing your expereince and your story with me, I am so sorry to hear of what your son went through and this is my greatest fear for my son too.

 

If you do manage to find that report I would really appreciate it, I really feel I am being fobbed off and that they are taking me for an idiot.

 

What ever the outcome I am now seriously considering taking him out and looking at Home Ed or a special school for aspergers (the latter of which we can ill afford) but my son only has one life and I can't sit back and let the school ruin it.

 

Thanks again.

 

Clare x x x

[Flora]

clare,

 

My son was disapplied from games, PE music and drama because he couldn't cope with them. It CAN be done. I can only add to the other advice you've been given and that is be firm and stick to your guns, you know your son best.

 

On the point of a statement; how can they tell you that your son doesn't need a statement, and then hand you a leaflet on an AS special school as something to think about? You'd need a statement to get your son a place in a special school, so was the teacher who gave you the leaflet suggesting your son needs a statement???? Sounds like you are getting very conflicting messages. Perhaps you should consider applying for a statement yourself? And mention in your evidence for request that the school must back you as they have suggested you think about special school placement.

 

Good luck with it all...I know exactly what you're going through! It's very frustrating but don't let them deter you.

 

flora

[Clare63]

Thanks Flora for your advice and support.

To be honest it was all a bit of a shock and I am still trying to get my head round it. I think the senco said she could try for a statement if we wanted, but I was so confused and wanted to leave, I am sure what she meant. At least now I have half term to get myself together and work out what I should be doing.

Don't know what I'd do if I didn't have the people on here to point me in the right direction and for that Iam truly grateful.

My lad was pretty grumpy coming out of school today and has taken himself off to bed saying he's too stressed, we certainly can't go on like this.

Thanks again

Clare x x x