Need some advice

[KateBall]

I've got a bit of a dilema. Ds is 9 - communication disorder - autistic traits, gets anxious, asks lots of questions etc.

 

Granny has died and funeral is next week. She lived quite a distance away and as a result ds hadn't seen her for some time (I'm talking years) but even so had spoken to her on telephone. At the moment he thinks she is ill - we are going to tell him soon - and he's been asking after her - how she is etc.

 

My dilema is about taking him to the funeral (its going to be really difficult not to as I don't have anyone at home who can look after him overnight). I'm not sure I want him there - because he might ask questions, say silly things, be fidgety etc but more to the point I don't want to make him suffer any undue anxiety.

 

I think I've made my mind up about him not going - just not sure how to make arrangements but I'll have to work it out - but I wondered whether any of you think I'm worrying unduly.

[Clare63]

Firstly I am sorry to hear of your sad loss - <'>

 

I don't think you are worrying unduly, you have given the matter serious thought and made your mind up that he's not going, think that would be my choice too, unless my child expressed the need to go and finalise things, then I think I would have to spend a considerable time preparing him. I think funerals are very difficult for anyone to attend, lots of different emotions, people not seen in a long time, lots of memories, sadness, tears and upset, let alone for a child to deal with NT or not.

 

Sounds like your deliema is more the arrangements you'll have to make if you go, but as you say that will have to be worked out.

 

Hope things work out smoothly for you and you can manage to get anyway to grief your loss.

 

<'> <'> <'>

 

Clare x x x

[mossgrove]

Truly sorry to hear of your loss. I lost my own mother earlier in the year so I know how difficult a time this is.

 

You know your child best, and I am sure you will make the right decision. We opted not to take any of our children to the funeral who were 3(NT), 5(NT), 7(ASD)and 9(AS) at the time and I feel we made the right decision.

 

Simon

[Tally]

Kate <'> I'm sorry.

 

A funeral is a way of saying goodbye, and of making it feel real that the person is really gone. Many people find that they don't grieve until the funeral. If you don't take him to the funeral, it is important to find another way to help your son understand and let go. Perhaps take him to visit the grave, or have a little 'ceremony' of your own at home. I was not allowed to attend funerals as a child in case I got bored. I did not want to go for the excitement, I wanted to say goodbye, and I still wish now that I had been allowed to do that. That was my experience, but your son may well feel differently, or you may be more able to find other ways for him to say goodbye.

 

People often behave strangely at funerals, they break down in tears, they sometimes even burst out laughing! People would not find it strange if your son said something silly. But if it is likely to make him anxious, he is not going to benefit from it.

 

You know your son better than anyone else, and it sounds like there are strong reasons for him to miss the funeral. If you start arranging child care, you can always cancel if you change your mind. That would seem the best way to keep your options open.

 

Take care,

T x

[KateBall]

Thanks everyone. Yes I think I've made the right decision not to have him there. His dad may get upset and he would probably find that very strange to see. I'm 100% now he shouldn't go - there was just a little doubt in my mind in case I was being unduly protective and you've all made it clearer to me. We will sit him down later in the week and explain things so unless he really objects to not going - and even if he does - then we'll try and come up with something else for him to do. Thanks again.

[loobylou2]

Sorry to hear of your loss. When my grandfather died we also made the choice not to take the children (11AS 9NT) to the funeral, but they came to the wake afterwards so that they could meet everyone and talk over memories. That way they weren't going to get upset during the service but still gained some closure. Don't know if this helps, its a tricky one. Best of luck to you all

 

Loobylou2

[Karen A]

Hi Kateball.I am sorry that your mum in law died [i hope I am right in pressuming mum in law] <'> .

When my mum died three years ago we did not take the boys to the funeral.

The main reason was that I knew I would be very upsett. I did not feel OH and I could grieve for mum and offer the boys the support they would need if they were to be there.We did not have anyone else at the funeral that knew the boys well enough to be able to support them.We decided that the stress for the boys in seeing us very upsett would be more unhelpful than anything that they might gain from the experience of taking part in the funeral.The boys were not very close to mum-if they had been then it would have made more of a difference.

 

I think that Tally's idea about doing something else with the your DS to help him to say goodbye-perhaps at a later time would be worth thinking about.Perhaps you could find a way to remember Granny that is appropriate to his understanding.

I don't want interfere <'> .However I did think when I read your post that it may be worth telling your DS that granny has died as soon as you feel able.When my mum was ill both the boys picked up on the high stresss and distress around in the house.It may become confusing if he does not know.Karen.

[KateBall]

Hi Kateball.I am sorry that your mum in law died [i hope I am right in pressuming mum in law] <'> .

When my mum died three years ago we did not take the boys to the funeral.

The main reason was that I knew I would be very upsett. I did not feel OH and I could grieve for mum and offer the boys the support they would need if they were to be there.We did not have anyone else at the funeral that knew the boys well enough to be able to support them.We decided that the stress for the boys in seeing us very upsett would be more unhelpful than anything that they might gain from the experience of taking part in the funeral.The boys were not very close to mum-if they had been then it would have made more of a difference.

 

I think that Tally's idea about doing something else with the your DS to help him to say goodbye-perhaps at a later time would be worth thinking about.Perhaps you could find a way to remember Granny that is appropriate to his understanding.

I don't want interfere <'> .However I did think when I read your post that it may be worth telling your DS that granny has died as soon as you feel able.When my mum was ill both the boys picked up on the high stresss and distress around in the house.It may become confusing if he does not know.Karen.

 

Hi Karen - yes you're right - mother in law. She was very elderly (dh is quite a bit older than me) and so ds will not I hope find it too difficult to understand. Dh is away sorting out all the arrangements at the moment and wants to tell ds himself when he comes home. But I understand what you mean about picking up on things and I have a feeling he realises something is wrong/different. I'll hang on for long as I can but may need to tell him myself. Especially as he is off school at the moment too cos he's got spots (Dr says its not chicken pox) and a cold.

 

God I've had a stressful few days. Had to drive DH to mothers house in time for him to be there with her when she died (3 hours away) then get the train back cos dh needed the car and he can't drive long distances but I had to be back for ds home from school. School rang me on the way down to say could I pick ds up cos he was ill. Managed to get my dd to collect him (she was an hour away). On the way down trying to sort everything out on phone and use the loos in the service station and left my car keys on the hook on the back of the door. Couldn't remember which loo it was so had to wait for everyone to come out in turn to go in and check each loo. I think they thought I was mad. Thankfully some kind person had found them and handed them in. Now its my birthday today and instead of going to lunch with my friend I'm all alone apart from a marauding so called sick (or at least spotty and sniffy) child! Still we mustn't feel sorry for ourselves must we - got to count our blessings!! No really I'm having quite a peaceful day after recent events.

[Karen A]

<'> <'> I hope the marauding is tolerable this afternoon and evening.

It was three years last week since mum's funeral.Your talk of the stress of the last few days brought back lots of memories.Its very tough to be apart from OH when you both hurt.I am in tears three years on thinking about it so I wouldn't feel too bad about feeling a bit sorry for yourself. <'> <'>

 

I remember one evening when supper consisted of one take out meal for one- curry,one tirimasu and a couple of glasses of whisky-How to drown sorrow with calories. Karen.

[aro]

Hi, firstly happy birthday, secondly, so sorry to hear about your mother in law.

My aunt died this summer and we took my dd (5yrs) to the funeral. She had her book to read (which she did...aloud!) but no one minded, she loved my aunt and my aunt totally loved her so felt it was appropriate and stuff anyone who would be annoyed with a child who has disabilities making some noise. But everyone was fine, infact it was my 3yr old NT nephew who was removed by my sister for trying to show boggies to everyone and being a little tyke!

 

Obviously you will have to make your own decision, but just wanted you to know that it is possible.

 

A x

Edited November 19, 2007 by aro

[SarahSH]

Hi Kate

 

I really feel for you <'> it sounds like you're coping for everyone just at the moment .

 

About taking your son to granny's funeral, I can really see why you might think it would be a good idea not to, partly to give your husband space to grieve without worrying about the effect, and also because of what he might say.

 

I know people are understanding, but we had a terrible experience at the funeral of a friend's little boy. Our friends lost him tragically early; it was just the worst thing in the world, everyone was in tears and my son said 'this is boring!' in a quiet moment. it was just awful. I know it was nothing to the loss of their son, but i still felt terrible that he said it.

 

Hope you find some way to mark the end of granny's life with your family in a way that might make more sense for your son.

 

Sarah

[KateBall]

These replies have been really helpful. I'm so wrapped up in trying to avoid the need for him to go but some have mentioned trying to mark the end of granny's life for my ds too and of course I should. So that is what I am going to do. We will plan something for my ds to do to remember her by - perhaps we'll go somewhere we all went together or something like that. Otherwise it just feels like we're excluding him and that's not right.

[loobylou2]

<'> <'> <'> good luck, its never easy to know whats best but i'm sure you'll be fine

[allie]

Hi Kate - so sorry to hear of your loss.

I do know exactly how you feel. We lost my husbands gran in July. She lived quiet close to us so my boys would see her at least every second week.

When she died C took it very well, but I really didn't want him at the funeral - for much the same reasons as yourself. But again I had problems with childcare. We told the boys that we would plant a tree for their gran, which gave them something special to do for her.

I managed to find someone to have the boys during the service and they were then dropped off afterwards to go back to the house. They ended up being dropped at the crematorium and C got very anxious about being there - we were only out in the garden as the service was over but he just didn't like it. We managed to avoid any major meltdowns but there were some inappropriate things said.

 

All in all I'm glad that he didn't come with us, but the tree planting did seem to give him closure.

Good luck, hope it all goes well.

Allie x

[KateBall]

Hi Kate - so sorry to hear of your loss.

I do know exactly how you feel. We lost my husbands gran in July. She lived quiet close to us so my boys would see her at least every second week.

When she died C took it very well, but I really didn't want him at the funeral - for much the same reasons as yourself. But again I had problems with childcare. We told the boys that we would plant a tree for their gran, which gave them something special to do for her.

I managed to find someone to have the boys during the service and they were then dropped off afterwards to go back to the house. They ended up being dropped at the crematorium and C got very anxious about being there - we were only out in the garden as the service was over but he just didn't like it. We managed to avoid any major meltdowns but there were some inappropriate things said.

 

All in all I'm glad that he didn't come with us, but the tree planting did seem to give him closure.

Good luck, hope it all goes well.

Allie x

 

Thanks for that Allie. Tree planting sounds a brilliant idea. Or actually maybe a rose because I remember now she loved her roses in her garden. Thanks so much - you've given me the answer I think.

[allie]

No problem at all, glad I could give a useful idea.

Hope it all goes well, will be thinking of you all. <'>

[di30]

So very sorry to hear of your very sad loss. <'> <'>

 

It is a tricky one, but some very good advice given on here.

 

Thinking of you and plenty of <'> <'> <'> <'> .

 

Di. xxxx

[stressedmumto2]

I'm so sorry to hear about your loss <'> <'> you must be going through a terrible time at the moment and hubby.

 

When my children lost their grandpa who they were both very close to especially my son it didn't seem to hit him at first, it did though later and I didn't want the little ones at the funeral. I allowed for them to go back to the wake after and that was difficult enough as son couldn't cope with the people there and wouldn't even give his grandma or his dad a hug.

 

I decided a few weeks later that we would all go to a local country park that we had all enjoyed some nice family days out. So I turn up with kiddies, kids dad turns up with grandma, the children had helium balloons with cards they had made attached to the cards and we let the baloons off, they were sending messages up to grandpa in heaven, that was our children's goodbye. We still go to the park now and the kiddies still remember that as our place where we said our goodbye to grandpa. <'> <'>

[KateBall]

Thanks everyone.

 

Well we told ds yesterday. He didn't cry but very nearly did - he seemed very shocked. Then he said he wanted to go to the funeral and see the coffin - we didn't even suggest he should go at all he just said it out of the blue. Anyway we explained he couldn't go and he readily accepted this so I think he didn't really want to go at all - was a sort of anxious enquiring gut reaction thing he said. I think he seems quite relieved he's not going. Just recently I had to go out for the day and it meant he'd not see me til the evening and he refused to let me go and made a big fuss for several days. This time though he has immediately accepted he's not coming eventhough we are going away overnight, so I suspect he was worried about the idea of going so I know we've made the right decision. Its so difficult to know what's going on in his mind. He just can't easily verbalise his anxieties - he will never talk about them.

 

Tonight he said to daddy - again out of the blue - "I'm going to miss Granny B. But these things happen you know"

 

Balloons seem a nice idea too - might try that.

[loobylou2]

I'm so pleased he seems to have taken it so well, just proves you have done the right thing. Well done! When my father in law died 4 years ago my AS daughter said 'its a shame he was a nice man' She was 9. It seems as though they accept things far more easily than we give them credit for.