My Teenage Son Arrested Tonight!!!

[Stella63]

Hi Guys,

 

I'm not even sure how to explain or deal with this one. For anyone who has read previous posts about AJ, he has always presented with oppositional and confrontational issues particularly at school but also at home. He has been seeing a private psychiatrist who on monday diagnosed ADHD without the hyperactive element ( he was off the scale in places).

 

He is school refusing and in with a bad lot socially (happened within the last 4 months, prior to this he lived on his computer). Last night we told him he had to attend school or social services would take the decisions away from us (we have a big network meeting on thursday) and if he refused to go to school he had to get up and be locked out of the house for the day and deal with any consequences.

 

He got up and then sobbed his heart out for ages ( he cries very little, maybe once every 2 years as if he locks everything in and lets it out occasionally). He couldn't verbalise what he was feeling and agreed to go into school for the morning - I felt that this was a positive step forward but then this evening he has been arrested for criminal damage - my dH has gone own there now to get it sorted - unfortunately the one boy he seems to be attracted to is one who has absolutely no boundaries at home and completely feral in his activities. I don't know now how to get him back to where he was this morning, pleased that he had gone into school and positive about tomorrow.

 

I swing at the moment to hating him for what he is putting our family through to loving him to bits for the little steps he makes but then he ***** it all up and is unable or unwilling to deal with the consequences..........kids....!!!!

 

Stella xx

[hev]

stella <'> <'> i know how you feel,its horrendous when they are arrested and the emotions we go through from being angry at them and at the same time just wanting them home safe

 

ive never really got any advice but i do know how you feeling right now <'>

[Stella63]

Thanks Hev,

 

I'm sat here looking at posts crying cos I don't know what to do - I think I have used up all my emotional resources at the moment - thanks

[baddad]

No advice, just i hope he's home indoors soon and that you can find a way forward

 

L&P

 

BD

[Nic m]

Stella, i hope everything goes ok for you and that you get whatever help you need.

nic

[Kathryn]

Stella

 

<'> <'>

 

I hope somehow that today's events enable you to get the help you need for your son, and for yourselves as a family.

 

Thinking of you

 

K x

[Kinda]

Stella

 

There is no quick fix I fear but I would go the police and have a private word with them regarding the other issues with your son and how you are trying to help him with them. They are only human and maybe willing to help sort it out for you. If not then you haven't lost anything.

 

If it was me I would try and get alongside your son to try and understand what are his fears and see if you can help him with the issues in anyway. I think its important that he has someone who is there for him regardless of what happens.

 

It would also seem as if there are a lot of people who have an interest in him but of course as usually happens they all don't agree on the way forward. For me you know your son better than all of them and perhaps its for you to steer the path and try and placate them (sorry I know you haven't spoken about this and you may already be doing this).

 

You must remain strong, resolute and be there for him and there is (as you know) no magic wand that solves it over night. Its probably a long haul and you just need to hang in there! You need to use your feminin powers of persuasion to move it forward and hopefully get back to the position you had before with him but I would try to do this through persuasion and empathy rather than conflict. He is not a bad child just probably confused and angry.

Edited January 23, 2008 by Kinda

[Karen A]

Stella <'> <'> I hope your son got home last night.Thinking of you.Karen.

[Frangipani]

<'> <'> <'> <'> <'> <'>

[smiley]

How are things today hun? <'> <'> <'>

[Stella63]

Hi

 

Thanks so much for your support and words. AJ finally arrived home with DH at 3.30 this morning. DH was able to sit on the interview and also explain his special needs (don't know if that made any difference but at least its on record). Apparently it was a whole group of them out last night and AJ was not the one who threw the brick, he told the truth and named all the other names (when confronted he will always tell the truth - one good thing!) - its now pending further investigation and he has to go back at the end of Feb to see if he will be charged.

 

I don't know if the other boy told the truth or a pack of lies and whether the others will be interviewed, presume they will.

 

The other complication is that it relates to a family whose son is at the same school which means the school is involved. At the moment I am more concerned about any repurcussions for OJ who has just started in yr7 and is already getting a lot of stick about his big, bad brother.

 

I just feel totally emotionally drained, this is the 2nd night in 3 days that AJ has caused us to be up all night due to his behaviour but I take Kinda's words on board, I will be there for him and carry on regardless.

 

Stella xx

[mossgrove]

Stella

 

I hope things are better today.

 

Where is your son school refusing from?

 

If it is a mainstream school then it is clear that it is not meeting his needs. It is the responsibility of the LEA to provide an education that meets your son's needs, not your responsibility to shoehorn your son into an environment that may well not be suitable for him regardeless of the consequenses for you or him.

 

Does your son have a statement? If he does, the events of the last 48 hours are as clear an indication as there possibly could be that an urgent review is required. If he does not have a statement then the Network meeting on Thursday could be a suitable trigger for everyone to agree that a formal asessment of his Educational Needs is required as the educational provision he has now clearly isn't working.

 

The events of the last couple of days have been incredibly traumatic. The potential silver lining is that it may cause everyone to realise how serous the situation is and look a little wider than how to browbeat your son into attending school.

 

 

 

Simon

[Stella63]

Hi Simon

 

Yes he is in mainstream and actually i do agree with you about not meeting his needs although the school have been 100% supportive with all the problems he has had there.

 

We had already come to the conclusion that he is being shoehorned (I like that expression!) and we have looked at other possibilities like work placements, college etc but nothing can be done until he's in yr11. And the trouble is at 15 it is going to be really difficult to look at other schools and get him somewhere else, also his attitude is so negative about everything.

 

But I also agree that this meeting tomorrow has come just at the right time and hopefully some good will come out of it - AJ isn't statemented he's been school action + for many years and I doubt very much whether Surrey would spend the money on him now but we will push for whatever we can.

 

Thanks for your thoughts, it kind of summarises the whole issue.

 

Stella

[mossgrove]

Yes he is in mainstream and actually i do agree with you about not meeting his needs although the school have been 100% supportive with all the problems he has had there.

 

That is the key phrase that you must emphasise over and over again tomorrow. Any LEA will default to saying he must continue with his mainstream placement but with a few extra measures thrown in because if doesn't cost anything and it gets your son nearer to his 16th Birthday without the LEA having to do anything..

 

If you put forward the view that the school have been wonderful and done everything that they could possibly be asked to do and this shows that a placement in mainstream isn't right for your son you will keep the school on board. If the school come out and say that they no longer feel they can meet his needs it will greatly increase your chances of an alternative placement, and it usually helps to find a way of reaching this conclusion that does not imply any criticism of the school so they do not feel a need to defend themselves and refute what you are saying.

 

We used exactly this tactic to get our son out of his mainstream primary school into a special school, even though,in truth, his mainstream school were clueless and unhelpful.

 

Good luck!

 

Simon

[Clare63]

Stella, <'> <'> <'> <'> <'>

Thinking of you and hoping that this current situation will bring with it some much needed help and support.

 

Clare x x x

[Kinda]

mossgrove

 

That is excellent advice.

[Stella63]

Hi

 

Absolutely right!!! I'm printing Simon's comments so i can learn off by heart and speak to senco (also my boss) before the meeting, she is attending on behalf of school.

 

Thank you so much guys

 

Stella xx

 

ps have just heard that most of the 'gang' have gone back to the scene this morning for more trouble - thankfully AJ is still asleep and not involved!!

[Kinda]

If your son did not commit the "crime" then under the law he hasn't committed the crime and should be OK. If its still of concern to you I would have a talk with the officer dealing with the case and just explain his personal circumstances.

[Karen A]

<'> <'> Stella I hope the meeting is helpful and you are able to get some support.Karen.

[soraya]

Stella, been there, done it, got the tee shirt!!! Nick was arrested a few months back for attacking me, l know what you are going through and you are not alone honey, sending lots of <'> <'> stay strong for the rest of your family. Nick does not go to school at the moment as he gets too stressed and anxious, however in sept he is going to college, our college has a unit for 14 to 16 year olds who find school difficult, it looks really good and Nick is very keen, maybe you could make enquiries at your college? Hope things improve and he continues to go to school.

[Nic m]

Good luck with the meeting, hope it goes well.

nic

[mossgrove]

Stella

 

Best of luck today.

 

Simon

[Clare63]

Oh Stella I forgot to ask how the meeting went Hun.

 

<'> <'> <'>

 

Clare x x x

[Stella63]

Hi Guys

 

Thanks again for all your support and kind words.

 

the meeting I think was reasonably successful. The social services lady was great and was colating all the info from us and school. There was a lady there from a place called Hope, some kind of unit with all multi professional agencies involved but she doesn't think he fits their criteria, has to be tier 4 mental health(?) or in need of an out of county placement - not too sure what that means.

 

They talked about providing a young male mentor for AJ, possibly someone coming to take him into school and be 1-1 with him, strategies for him at home. I know they have to be positive and I know we do but at the moment I just feel we have done most of this before and the bottom line is that he just doesn't want to be at school. And if he was put in a PRU or special unit there is no guarantee that he would agree to it and again you can't force a 15yr old against his will. The school and I are agreed that he needs to be somewhere else so I am going to approach LEA (who weren't at the meeting) and find out what to do next.

 

Feel in a bit of a foggy state of mind this morning!

 

Stella xx

[Karen A]

Hi Guys

 

Thanks again for all your support and kind words.

 

the meeting I think was reasonably successful. The social services lady was great and was colating all the info from us and school. There was a lady there from a place called Hope, some kind of unit with all multi professional agencies involved but she doesn't think he fits their criteria, has to be tier 4 mental health(?) or in need of an out of county placement - not too sure what that means.

 

They talked about providing a young male mentor for AJ, possibly someone coming to take him into school and be 1-1 with him, strategies for him at home. I know they have to be positive and I know we do but at the moment I just feel we have done most of this before and the bottom line is that he just doesn't want to be at school. And if he was put in a PRU or special unit there is no guarantee that he would agree to it and again you can't force a 15yr old against his will. The school and I are agreed that he needs to be somewhere else so I am going to approach LEA (who weren't at the meeting) and find out what to do next.

 

Feel in a bit of a foggy state of mind this morning!

 

Stella xx

 

 

It sounds like the meeting was fairly positive.I hope that the LEA are willing to offer some cocrete support when you contact them. <'>

I think that tier 4 Camhs is highly specialist service covering things like in patient units and provision for teenagers with very complex mental health needs who require intensive Camhs support.Karen.

[Clare63]

Hi Stella,

It does sound like the meeting was quite positive and are taking onboard the problems of school refusal. But at the same time understand that you feel "foggy" this morning, there is always so much to take in, options to consider and weigh up etc., and of course lots of doubts about how things will actually work in reality, like you say you can't force a 15 year old.

Hope you feel a little better about things as your day goes along.

I will call you lunchtime to catch up.

Take care <'>

 

Clare x x x