Inconsistency

[Clare63]

We are supposed to be having help with DS's lack of confidence, non attendance at school, anxiety and not wanting to leave the house etc., one of the key issues seems to be that he does not trust people, for example at school they would say one thing then do the other, leaving him confused and more anxious

 

Whilst I am very happy with the mentor from C.O.O.S we have been assigned, I feel a little uneasy about the fact that twice now she has messed him about by changing her visiting time, today should be here at 9.30, just phoned and can we make 1.30 she and I have agreed that the first thing she needs to do is build a relationship with DS so that he may start to trust her, then perhaps he will open up more and talk to her and be more co-operative.

 

I didn't really think twice about her changing the appointment today, but my DH was quite cross, he felt she was letting DS down in the early stages, yes maybe start altering things once they had got used to each other, but now its too soon and he'll be confused as to when she is coming or not. Last night he was stressing about today's visit and kept saying "right I have got to get up as she'll be here at 9.30" now I have had to explain its not till 1.30pm, not much reaction but i think my DH has a point.

 

My question is, should I mention it to her or not ? if so what do you think I should say ?

 

Sorry being a bit dim this morning, things like this throw me too.

 

Thanks

 

Clare x x x

[llisa32]

Hi Clare - I would say something if it were me...in fact I have had to say to the Ed Psch the same thing.

 

J's 'gets himself ready' to meet her at a certain time...if times then get changed at last minute without a seemingly good excuse (like car broke down - anything dramatic would class as 'proper excuse ..then he gets really frustrated and ansgty.

 

I just said 'J gets really anxious when times of meetings/appts are changed at the last minute - If you're able to give me as much notice as possible of any changes then that will help me prepare him'

 

It's worked and now she will ring ahead even if going to be 10/15 mins late.

 

Same with playdates etc....if they are planned I have to explain to the mum thats it's really important they let me know of any changes to times etc as soon as they can, and in advance of any meetings/appts etc I remain J that sometimes things happen that other peeps can't control and that might make them late/change plans etc.

 

Hope that helps <'>

[Flora]

Clare <'>

 

I totally understand how irritating this is. Bill has had a mentor coming supposedly for two hours every week for the same thing as yours; she has cancelled so many times that she has only seen him once since December 10th. She was supposed to come this afternoon to make chocolate chip cookies with him and just rang to say she can't make it; she then says but I can come tomorrow morning which is absolutely no use because he has his tutor then!!!

 

At a meeting with the LEA a couple of weeks ago they were singing from the roof tops at how this mentor will 'build bridges between home and school'... I told them that that's fine if they've got 10 years because that's how long it would take... a bit like trying to build a bridge with dust!

 

Hang in there.

 

Flora X

[justamum]

We can understand thing come and appointments may need to be moved BUT if the system is trying to build up your sons confidence and trust then changing appointment, not keeping promises is doing very little to achieve this...the opposite actually. Yes do 'loosely' mention that rearranging things at the last moment is not helping your son.

[Mumble]

Definitely say something.

 

This is one thing I really really struggle with - even 5 minutes late is difficult for me - I don't want it to be difficult, but it results in uncontrollable anxiety. 9 o'clock means 9 o'clock. I need to know what will happen and when so that I can feel in control. I find it difficult to trust people and if they're late that's worse - makes it really difficult with my supervisor because I do trust him, so if he's late I have images of him being knocked down by a double decker bus going through my head

 

Difficulties in this area are really common in AS (I assume part of the lack of flexibility of thought) - the mentor should be aware of these and particularly in the early stages, respond to them appropriately. Your DS isn't going to learn to cope with change and the unexpected by just being forced to do it.

[Stella63]

Hi Clare,

 

Totally agree with whats been said. we had the same last thursday, the case worker from social services was coming to our house to meet the boys and me for the first time and she cancelled.

What really p'd me off was that I had got AJ in school that day and brought him and OJ home early to see her - they were both justifiably annoyed!

 

Stella xx

 

ps that open day we discussed is tomorrow but only for those who have already applied for places.

[Nic m]

Oh Clare, i hope it went ok and that you did mention it to her.

nic

[Clare63]

Thanks Guys, your posts definately confirm that her cancelling was inappropriate. Thanks Mumble for your insight as usual (I tend to get Connor to read your posts, then he says yes, yes that exactly what its like/feels like).

 

Course being the chicken I am, I did not say anything, well she is very bubbly and came rushing in saying to Connor, "cor bet your glad I gave you the opportunity have a lie this morning" and then before I knew it she was on to the next thing !!!! I did however get in that we must remember to slow down for Connor (I mentioned this last week as both she and I get a bit carried away with ideas and Connor sits there looking somewhat blank) and that its important to stick to the routine.

 

I think she took this on board because as she was leaving she said she has someone shadowing on Wednesday and would Connor mind if she brought this lady round.... bless him, he said yes he did !

 

Must say the session went very well today, I left them to plan this weeks school work whilst I pottered in the kitchen, usually I have to sit in too.

All things considered he is doing well, and I was even more proud when she said how neat his writing is and how well laid out his work is..... must say it is pretty impressive.

 

Sorry waffling on again.

 

Thanks again everyone

 

Clare x x x

Edited February 4, 2008 by Clare63

[ScienceGeek]

Definitely say something.

 

This is one thing I really really struggle with - even 5 minutes late is difficult for me - I don't want it to be difficult, but it results in uncontrollable anxiety. 9 o'clock means 9 o'clock. I need to know what will happen and when so that I can feel in control. I find it difficult to trust people and if they're late that's worse - makes it really difficult with my supervisor because I do trust him, so if he's late I have images of him being knocked down by a double decker bus going through my head

 

Difficulties in this area are really common in AS (I assume part of the lack of flexibility of thought) - the mentor should be aware of these and particularly in the early stages, respond to them appropriately. Your DS isn't going to learn to cope with change and the unexpected by just being forced to do it.

 

I'm the same. My girlfriend says she will be back by a certain time and then isn't I start imagining the most awful things have happened to her. I'm especially bad when she goes to her Samaritans duties as she walks back home and as soon as the clock hits 1min past the time she should be back I clock watch. Clock watching for sometimes 1.5hrs after she should have been back and panicking that something bad has happened. Fun!

 

I'm also quite bad at waiting for appointments, like drs that consistently run over and I start getting anxious after only a few mins after my appointment time. They say be there at the time and I'm there, people making appointments and then not being there on time.

[Bagpuss]

Glad to read Connor's session today went well Clare. I'd monitor it, and if it happens again, have a word. Take care <'>

[Clare63]

Thanks, Bagpuss good idea, I will deffo say something if it happens again.

 

Clare x x x