Not so happy happy!

[drift]

Oh dear,

Last week I tried to contact the senco four or five times, she didnt get back to me but I managed to catch her on thursday, she said

"Couldnt get back to you, too busy dealing with naughty awful children and very urgent reports" (! poor kids)

I told her I was very concerned about my son (Sam aged 7) who was showing signs of major stress. Her stock answer 'Hes absolutely fine'

Took him to my hero- oops I mean gp (sorry if you have already read my post Happy Happy, as this bit is sort of repeated) Gp really came through and gave Sam two weeks off school because of stress. This time off started today.

At ten past nine the senco phoned...SHE phoned ME! I know she was booted into action by sick note but even so!!!

However she told me that any time off would prove very detrimental to Sam as not only was he 'absolutely fine' he is positively bouncing, happy, chatty, very involved with all that was going on and any time he was alone that was because he had chosen to be. She said that the mentor that Sam sees ( half an hour once a week)along with a group of other kids for a friendship group had reported on Friday that he even didnt mind handwriting...as "I am used to it now"

*Scuse me while I faint into a very large brandy*

Can I be SO wrong, can she be right that this time off is going to set Sam back enormously and be damaging?

Can my child be So stressed, angry upset and meltdown prone at home and so OK at the one place he tells me he HATES.

I know that she is not totally right, but can she be so wrong?

I am really confused and worried. I only want to do whats best for my boy.

I am shocked if she can say he is so happy and settled there that they cant do anything for him as he presents no problem at all.

I cant believe I am doubting my intentions and belief that I know my son but she sounded so confident and sure of her self.

Im floundering. Any words of wisdom.

Thank you

drift

[oracle]

You are right and the SENCO is wrong - so do not doubt yourself. I am getting sick and tired of SENCO's who know what is best for an ASD child while they actually know nothing about ASD. She does not really mean that time off for Sam will be detrimental to Sam, she means it wont look good for the school that the GP has issued a sick note. Tough!!!!

 

Having a mentor for half an hour each week would be funny if this was not so serious. How on earth can they tell how a child is coping all week in one half hour slot? They can't. My eldest functioned well at primary school - or so they all thought. I was told no problem no problem. He had a massive breakdown aged 11 so there was a very deffinite problem.

 

Some SENCO's are - in my opinion - all a little bit autistic - because they have very rigid thought patterens and opinions about what is best for our children. They are not very open to change.

 

The meltdowns at home are, again in my opinion, probably the results of all of the energy Sam is using to 'cope' at school. You have the sick note now and I would let Sam have some time out if I were you.

 

Maybe the SENCO had had a swift kick in the rear end and did not like it?

 

Carole

[drift]

Carole, <'>

Thank you, my husband and I just came to almost the same conclusion about ten minutes before I checked in! We realised how stressful Sam finds any social situation, parties, groups, even people coming round for a drink and therefore to be bouncing, positive and totally happy at school is such a massive shift in behaviour that it cant be true.

Sam says yes, he is coping a bit better at school but it is still very stressful. He said he had told the mentor that his substitute teacher was not as strict about him holding his pen and so that day he had not found handwriting so difficult. This is then translated to one of his major handicaps being swept away.

Sigh, thank you Carole for reminding us that we got it right and Im not going to stress that this time off for Sam is anything but good.

drift

[Elanor]

Drift

 

I'm glad that you feel better about this now. I just wanted to say that I agree with Carole, that you are right and the SENCO is wrong. I know that it can be really easy to doubt yourself, but it's wrong to assume that the SENCO has any meaningful understanding of Asperger's - you might ask her what training and experience she has in AS, as she is making judgements which don't tally with your views.

 

My son behaves well at school, and badly at home - and at heart his school still takes the view that he's doing excellent, fine, no problems at all - they don't have the first idea what it is like for him, or for us.

 

I think that he only pretends to be 'fine' at school - in reality he's barely holding it together, and falling apart once he's safe at home.

[mossgrove]

Our son is a bit younger than yours, but we had similar comments from school.

 

We arranged for the LEA autism co-ordinator to go and observe him in school, hi portage worker and the complex special needs worker from CAMHS did the same.

 

They told a very diffeent story.

 

The most likely explanation is that your SENCO has no real idea what is going on, and is using the fact that your child is not being disruptive to conclude he is coping. Sadly this mistake is all too common.

 

Simon

[drift]

Simon,

Thanks for your reply.

Do you mind me asking how you got the LEA autism co-ordinator involved. Sam has only a provisional dx 'mild aspergers' his next appointment is months away. Will this make a difference?

I am planning to write to the head and go in to see her when Sams two weeks sick note runs out.

Found out today that paed that Sam saw for initial assesment has left! Bet that slows things down. I will ring Priory Mannor tomorrow and find out who has taken her place.

Thanks again. I feel like this is turning into a real big uphill struggle.

drift

[drift]

Elanor,

thanks for support and reply.

Does your son have any provision at school? If so how much does this help. ( Hope this isn't too intrusive)

Its awful to witness your child barely coping, isnt it.

take care

drift

[Guest flutter]

You have to go with your instincs

you doctor has given son time off

How much time does the senco spend with your son, how well does she really know him?

my daughter wears a fantastic mask at school, thye never know the half of it

As far as they are concerned she was dong great till others got involved.

I think you are doing the right thing, and i would carry on

tc

C x

[Elanor]

Hi Drift

 

My son's diagnosis is 'mild asperger's', although the manisfestations at home are far from 'mild' (I hate that term!).

 

Although he is on 'school action plus', and the educational psychologist has written a report setting out the interventions he needs, the school currently does absolutely nothing to help him.

 

It seems a bit of a lost cause now - he's going up to secondary school in September, but we are going to push very hard for a good transition (he's just been given a place at the school that we wanted).

 

I do wish that I had pushed stronger when he was first diagnosed - I really think that you have to be firm, assertive (even near aggressive) and very clear about what you want the school to do. I thought at the time that I was being all these things (I am a demanding person!) - but I realise now that I gave the school the benefit of the doubt far too much. It all ended up as a brick wall job - it can be very hard to make progress when the school nods, agrees and then does nothing at all to follow up.

 

BTW, I have withdrawn my son from school for 'sickies' - usually only a day, when I thought he was too stressed-out, and needed a break.

 

Wish I could sound more positive

Elanor

 

The next school had better watch out - I shan't waste any more time.

[lisa]

Drift

 

You're doing the right thing. The SENCO has no idea of the needs of AS children or she wouldn't be talking to you in this way. We have exactly the same problem with our 7 year old daughter and I'm sick of the school trying to make me feel like I'm being neurotic and making a fuss over nothing. This is such a common problem with high functioning kids, all they have to do is pick up any book about AS and it's there in black and white for them. Trust your instincts on this one and don't be fobbed off.

 

Lisa

[carolynbarry]

Just found this site our son (Alec) has been diagnosed with AS but it's taken 4 years to get any help. The LEA say he's fine as he's a model pupil at school (about 3 years behind his peers but still in "acceptable" limits) They don't see the mayhem at home.

Drift you're doing the right thing give your son some space from school to "recharge" but beware of the backlash/indifference from the SENCO on his return.

Just a word of advice keep all this logged, all Sam's feelings & tantrums, all your visits to the GP & any help your offered. Keep "KICKING" keep making a nuisance of your self till people listen & help you & Sam.

Apologies if I'm giving advice you already know but it's the only way we've managed to get any help for Alec.

Good luck & don't give up

[mossgrove]

Drift

 

Your LEA will almost certainly have ome kind of a support service to help teachers deal with autistic children in the mainstrean environment. We badgered the school into requesting a visit.

 

Simon

[puffin]

I think you need to try and get some specialist involvement from the LEA. While some SENCOs are great and are very knowledgeable - in some schools they may have little or no special training in SEN. I have of school where the SENCO is not even a teacher but it is seen as an administrative job.

[drift]

Thank you all, for your replies! Most welcome and Im very grateful. <'>

Thing is now Im not sure where to turn, what our next move should be. I was thinking of the next step and am writing a letter to the Head with copies to the school govs and the LEA, to be handed in when Sams sick note expires. Not sure what to say and how to put things. Im feeling pretty thick! I plan to say how Sam is at home, what his anxieties are about school and how I think they can help him. Also how let down we feel about the total lack of provision and acknowledgement, from the senco. Also I plan to phone the LEA, not sure who I speak to or even what to say...I feel pathetic!

Ive never had to do anything like this before and its daunting.

I think its a really good idea to log all the calls, visits and Sams behaviour. I hadnt even thought of that, so thanks for that tip carolynbarry!

Im up for a fight, just dont know where to aim my first punch!

Any words of wisdom, experience or whatever most gratefully accepted.

Thanks people

drift

[carolynbarry]

We are going through something very similar with our son at the moment but we're further down the line. It's not easy or pleasant but you mustn't let your feelings get in the way. You can and will be able to help your child because you have to. That will give you strength. You'll also find there's probably plenty

of help out there. We have.

 

For starters every LEA SEN dept. should have an Indepenent Parental Advice Officer and this person should be aable to help you access other independent advice. In our area there's an organisation which has helped up in the following areas. Without them it would have been infinitely harder.

 

General advice as to what your rights are and how you go about accessing them

A 'sounding board' to help you with the wording of letters / phonecalls

Moral support when you attend dificult meetings

A certain amout of legal expertise (eg. tribunals/complaints/appeals)

 

They can help you because they don't 'live' the situation every day.

They can see not only the problem but the solution.

 

I don't know how you can access this in your area but I think it would only take a call to the IPA if you canfind out their number.

 

Hope this helps and remember none of us has had to deal with these situations until we find ourselves in them.