Meltdowns - any advice? Urgent!!

[thebuzzer]

Hi as my previous posts will explain things have been escalating with S for weeks now and we have reached a real crisis point with the school and now spilled over into the home.

 

He has had tantrums before where he storms off to his bedroom slamming doors to be left alone and comes back when he is calm. Last night he had his first major meltdown.

 

He wanted his dad to feed him as he had a miniscule cut on his hand, Dh did this, but when DS became rude we stopped, DH left the room as S was going to hurt. I sat with him and spoke calmly , he shouted rudely for DH who promptly obeyed the 'order' and reappeared, I said no S is going to feed himself with his other hand . and then he just attacked me. My dad came into the room and had to pull him off me. It was awful. My mum guided him away (she has years of training on calm holds with EBD children). It didn't work with DS it escalated his meltdown, as I suspected it would so she let him go and then we had an hour of him totally hysterical. I am going to let the neighbours either side know that we were not murdering him but that was his first AS meltdown.

 

Now I really need to find out how to deal with his meltdowns, how do you deal with either your own (mumble etc) or your children. I know everyone is different though.

 

Are there any good books to advise me? Actual support from any of the services is nil. We were turned down by CAHMS, they are only dealing with anaeroxia, self harming or ADHD (they are doing a study on ADHD). I explained my son is starting to self harm in my else by hitting himself. They don't want to know.

 

So it is back up to us which is fine, I just need advice that I will be doing the right thing and not making it worse.

 

He is only 6. Where can I get him help on how to deal with his emotions?

[jo jones]

thebuzzer i dunno of any good books that can help but ask paeds or gp for pbm (positive behaviour management) help,,,i done this training again through work this week it is awesum,,i work in challenging behaviour anyway so is really relevant,,,,, the main issues are the triggers,, if u know what can trigger the behaviours then u can prepare for meltdown,and when he reaches crisis point all u can do is keep him safe,,most people take ages to come back to base line but can also go back up again ,then back and fore to crisis point,, we use distraction methods with blaine and the behaviours are not so severe he is also 6,,and due to sensory probs doesnt really understand ,, it can take up to 90 mins to come back down to baseline fully and its really hard cos he is so young,,i work with adults so cant give u realistic advice,,but chase up sure start in ur area as they can give u ideas on how to deal with it for u and the little one,,,hope this helps a little jo <'> <'>

[Mumble]

You read my mind , I was going to post something about meltdown today as I had a question, but, I guess I'll integrate it (I had a meltdown yesterday evening).

 

You're probably not going to like this answer, because I don't like it either - I've been looking for things on how to handle meltdowns, particularly for the residence staff where I live - and I've found nothing that I would want to give to anyone, so it's back to the same old, write what I know and pass on things from my perspective and I think that you as parents will learn what works from trial and error.

 

Preventing meltdown by removing triggers of course helps, but it's not easy, particularly when those around you really can't comprehend the issue (that's not their fault, it's simply so alien to them). For me last night, for instance, they changed the uni task from what I was expecting and had prepared myself for to something different at the last minute. The different thing was difficult in itself, but what was hardest was the upset to what I had expected and it threw me so much and so quickly I had to get out of the room before I lost it completely (that was going to be my question actually - does anyone have strategies for giving an 'escape time' before meltdown, for instance so I could have got out of the room calmly and found a safe space?). They had to change the task because of unforeseen circumstances but I don't think people who don't live with autism can really comprehend the effect that has, because I can see that it would seem so trivial.

 

I'm not sure that once in meltdown anything can be done to control/stop it - I think it has to run its course - the person in meltdown certainly isn't in any rational frame of mind to be able to take direction. In fact trying to give direction and talk to me at least in meltdown is just more confusing and prolongs the meltdown. What I find useful I think depends on the circumstances - just being in my room with my comforting things around me (which might get thrown around a bit!) helps, quiet definitely helps, an audience doesn't help, being touched (well I'm tactile defencive anyway) definitely doesn't help as it feels like an attack on me, maybe someone very calm just sitting with me (they don't have to say anything - better not to actually) who can reassure me when I come out of meltdown so I know what to do next - I often feel quite confused/dazed.

 

I find after a meltdown I am utterly exhausted - the best thing for me to do is sleep, watch a quiet film that I know well rather than trying to attempt anything, particularly that involves interaction which may start the whole cycle off again. I often find that even the next day, I'm really tired - for instance, I missed breakfast this morning because I over slept when normally I'm an early riser. I also need to know that as a result of what happened, I am not being blamed. Meltdown is not controllable. Punishing an autistic individual for having a meltdown could perhaps be akin to punishing an epileptic for having a fit. And I think if the child (and I know myself as an adult) feels supported and not blamed, then actually meltdown may be reduced anyway.

 

If you're looking for books, there's a chapter in Learning to Live with High Functioning Autism which is useful, and I haven't read, but many people have said it's useful: Asperger Syndrome and Difficult Moments.

[happymonday]

You read my mind , I was going to post something about meltdown today as I had a question, but, I guess I'll integrate it (I had a meltdown yesterday evening).

 

You're probably not going to like this answer, because I don't like it either - I've been looking for things on how to handle meltdowns, particularly for the residence staff where I live - and I've found nothing that I would want to give to anyone, so it's back to the same old, write what I know and pass on things from my perspective and I think that you as parents will learn what works from trial and error.

 

Preventing meltdown by removing triggers of course helps, but it's not easy, particularly when those around you really can't comprehend the issue (that's not their fault, it's simply so alien to them). For me last night, for instance, they changed the uni task from what I was expecting and had prepared myself for to something different at the last minute. The different thing was difficult in itself, but what was hardest was the upset to what I had expected and it threw me so much and so quickly I had to get out of the room before I lost it completely (that was going to be my question actually - does anyone have strategies for giving an 'escape time' before meltdown, for instance so I could have got out of the room calmly and found a safe space?). They had to change the task because of unforeseen circumstances but I don't think people who don't live with autism can really comprehend the effect that has, because I can see that it would seem so trivial.

 

I'm not sure that once in meltdown anything can be done to control/stop it - I think it has to run its course - the person in meltdown certainly isn't in any rational frame of mind to be able to take direction. In fact trying to give direction and talk to me at least in meltdown is just more confusing and prolongs the meltdown. What I find useful I think depends on the circumstances - just being in my room with my comforting things around me (which might get thrown around a bit!) helps, quiet definitely helps, an audience doesn't help, being touched (well I'm tactile defencive anyway) definitely doesn't help as it feels like an attack on me, maybe someone very calm just sitting with me (they don't have to say anything - better not to actually) who can reassure me when I come out of meltdown so I know what to do next - I often feel quite confused/dazed.

 

I find after a meltdown I am utterly exhausted - the best thing for me to do is sleep, watch a quiet film that I know well rather than trying to attempt anything, particularly that involves interaction which may start the whole cycle off again. I often find that even the next day, I'm really tired - for instance, I missed breakfast this morning because I over slept when normally I'm an early riser. I also need to know that as a result of what happened, I am not being blamed. Meltdown is not controllable. Punishing an autistic individual for having a meltdown could perhaps be akin to punishing an epileptic for having a fit. And I think if the child (and I know myself as an adult) feels supported and not blamed, then actually meltdown may be reduced anyway.

 

If you're looking for books, there's a chapter in Learning to Live with High Functioning Autism which is useful, and I haven't read, but many people have said it's useful: Asperger Syndrome and Difficult Moments.

[Enid]

Hi, my son is 12 and also has meltdowns, they are quiet terrifying in someone his age and size, I have posted quiet a lot about it if you want to look. I actually found the book, Aspergers and difficult times, very helpful, so its worth a look. Ignoring them works best but a lot of damage is caused. Mumble made a very interesting point though about consequences, I always make my son pay for any damage caused, but I dont punish in the fact that he dosnt have an early night etc. Keep posting and reading past posts, I find it helps just to know that you are not alone in this nightmare Also you and your husband need to be working together! Enid

[happymonday]

Hiya,

Tis fun to be a mum of the special ones eh?

My son is also 6 with ADS and ADHD so I know where you are, mine gave the dog a huge kick yesterday.. had a melt down is tesco over a transformer etc etc you know the kinda stuff I am sure.

Well I am not you but I tend to ignore SOOOOOOOOOO much its not worth the agro. You need to choose your battles and decide if its really worth letting something end up in a full blown meltdown or if letting him have his own way could work. Yes against every parenting guild line in the world eh?

A yr ago I had a boy who wanted to be dead who was causing lots of damage and hurting people.

Today I have a happy boy, who does not have me round his finger but does get a few more things than his siblings. Self estime has rocketed and I dont often tell him how naughty or bad he is, I praise for good and let him have space when he needs it. My ds does have rages and tantrums but letting him be and guiding from teh back seat works for you softly softly.

 

In the mean time these things take time and you could do with call ss as your a family in crises and get some help family link workers, play scheme or activities perhaps, ds needs building up. You can have a happy boy its just takes time and understanding...

 

Now anybody know about 11 yr daughters??? lol

[Cat]

Learning to Live with High Functioning Autism is a brilliant book. It was one of the first books I bought and it was one of the best I have ever read. I know with my two sons once a meltdown is in progress the only thing to do is let them work through it.

 

Can I just give my 10p worth on hubby coming back into the room to continue to feed your son. When you then stopped him from doing so (not for one moment saying you were wrong to do this) it probably fed the meltdown because your son could see a soloution and you stopped it from happening. I am again not saying that you were wrong because I think you were right but maybe needed to tell hubby afterwards that he needed to stay out of the room. Hope that makes sense. I know that my two find it almost impossible to cope with if my hubby and I give to different answers to one questions and being in the middle of a dispute with you and hubby at that point might not have helped. It was sending out mixed messages to your son who was unable to cope with them.

 

I know that SS can and do fund space saver tents for children who are can either injure themselves or others while they are in meltdown and it is, in my opinion, better than trying to restrain a child who is already stressed to the max. I know that they are expensive but of SS agree to fund one they can help in this kind of situation.

 

Cat

Edited May 23, 2008 by Cat

[pearl]

Its rare for JP to have a meltdown these days, but when he does, we stay nearby, let it run its course, & talk him down when its over. I say we, its really Mr p who is best at this as I still find them horribly upsetting.

 

At 18, he's had nothing major since last September. Bliss.

[Suze]

Gosh .........this is just from my perspective............here goes......... , but at that age my son was the same ..........his meltdowns were worse then , than they are now.I agree picking the battles is a stratergy we use, and its true the victory more often than not ,is not worth the fight.My boy would be bubbling with anxiety /anger/upset and then gradually things would happen and BAM!.........he would lose it.I learnt to never challenge him when he was like this, not to wrestle with him ....unless he or I needed protecting , not to raise my voice and try to stay calm.It may feel like your giving in to him if you feel your letting him get away with stuff but I felt in my boys case that he was beyond the point of having control over his feelings and actions he just had to let the anxiety burst out.I sometimes actively encourage him to have a massive shout and thump session if school has been stressful.He,ll let rip on a bean bag and kick and hit it in his room , he,s older now and can understand his autism more .We talk about his autism alot with him so he knows why he struggles sometimes and how letting emotions out safely in his room for instance is a good thing.When he was younger it also helped if when he,d lost it if we could leave him on his own ... and let him come out of it himself.Being around him and talking fuelled the fire, the less interaction the better.I would also when he ,s calmer reassure him as much as possible talk through how he felt if he will and see if he can offer ways you could help him when he has a meltdown.Best of luck suzex

[Enid]

Hi Cat, what is a space saver tent. Enid

[thebuzzer]

Cat thanks so much for your advice. You are right about me adding fuel to the fire, I was trying to be consistent as he had been rude to his dad and we had said the he would not feed him (he had a minute scratch on his right hand and was therefore totally unable to feed himself!). We agreed dad would leave the table and sit quietly outside while just me and DS ate. He then called his dad in a very rude manner and dad just jumped up and came in I said 'no' and the next thing I knew he had launched himself onto me and was attacking me. We had to peel him off.

 

I am going to look into the space saver tent, shame they can't use that at school. I am also going to get the books that were recommended.

 

Any other ideas keep em coming!!

Edited May 23, 2008 by thebuzzer

[Enid]

[quote name='happymonday' date='May 23 2008, 02:15 PM' post='2

Well I am not you but I tend to ignore SOOOOOOOOOO much its not worth the agro. You need to choose your battles and decide if its really worth letting something end up in a full blown meltdown

My thoughts exactly, I have spoken to the little ones so they realise why I am doing this as I dont want them to think they can do it and get away with it, so far its been working well, April 18th last meltdown, hope I havnt jinxed us Enid

[Cat]

Believe me I know just where you are coming from being consistent is crucial in my opinion. My hubby was really very good at caving in with our youngest to. I know that for a couple of years at least our youngest saw me as the big bad 'I said no!' and probably worse. I know this because he himself has told me this. He says that he used to think that his dad was much nicer than me because his dad would let him have his own way. Our son is now 11, understandss himself quite welll now. Not so long ago he told me that he is now pleased that I was the big bad 'I said no!' with him, because he says he now knows that I did not want him to behave badly like some of his friends do. Of course his friends and the way in which they behave had nothing to do with it but I did know that sometimes you have to say no and mean it. Hearing my son tell me now that he understands why I was on occassion so hard with him made me feel quite tearful but also pleased that he himself is pleased that I was. It can be hard and as others have said you have to pick your battles. I could cope with the meltdown but sometimes I wanted to throttle my other half. I well remember hanging onto the other end of a door handle because I said that my son had to stay put because of something that he had done only to have hubby open the door and let him out to start flinging objects at us again. These days he is a very different child in fact I often think that he is now too well behaved (I know some people are never satisfied) But it does pass given time and as you say if you are consistent in your approach.

 

Enid Space Saver tents are basically a tent where a child can either play in safety or meltdown in safety. They are very well padded so that no matter how hard they throw themselves around they can not hurt themselves but they are very expensive which is why most parents who I know that have these tents had them provided for them via SS.

 

Cat

[JsMum]

You did nothing at all wrong from what I read from your first post, other than explain and he became very angry about it, what I do for J if there is any violence is a consequence, a loss of privlidge or a ban, for J he needs clear consequences, firsts its a warning then he has a chioce to follow throw the warning or disobey and get the ban/loss.

 

I provide J a lot of anger management tools, he has now got a sensory room, and plenty of places to get his own space, he has a punch bag, I know some have said that they dont agree with them but for J he needs to let it out and let go and I would rather he hit,kick a punch bag. he has relaxation tools too cds, mediation/relaxation cds, massage, sensory toys.

 

J has a lot of visual cards and we have got some feelings books aimed at ASD/learning difficulties children.

 

I understand Js sensory overload, his difficulties to cope with emotions and feelings but I do not except violent attacks, and we have discussed his behaviour in social stories and had talks about what we can do when we want to hit out, I know your discribing more a meltdown but if it leads to hitting and attacking then consequences need to be given instantly.

 

I recieve support from a autisitic specialist and I have to keep communication to a minimum when he is really raging, and use signs and signals, be presice and order rather than request or please, do this or that, its No do not Kick.

 

I have restrained only because he had weapons in the past and I had no choice, but now I remove myself away, or go into another room, if he smashes up the place then that be it, as long as I am not been harmed or himself I stay well back, and dodge....

 

A lot of the stress was from school and now has a reduced timetable, and I now have home support, add in the communication support and anger management, feelings and consequences it halfed already.

 

Js stress can lead to him been very controlling and manipulative and this is to reduce his anxiety, but given too much control actually sprials into further difficulties because he actually wants you to take control because its too overwelming for him, getting a ballance is very intricate because you have to be one step ahead all the time, problem is as he gets more clever hes already two steps ahead of you.

 

Its not easy and for me this particular behaviour really drains me mentally and emotionally.

 

JsMum

[Shnoing]

As I understand it, in a 'full' meltdown the person is not any more able to control his actions consciously, and therefore not able to learn something. Therefore, being consequential or not doesn't change anything. The brain works only with its unconscious part at that moment, which can only decide 'flight' or 'attack'. Often, the person cannot remember the fights (or whatever) afterwards.

As a rule, new information of any kind cannot be processed, so talking to or touching the person only worsens the situation. If you stay near him, don't look directly at him but out of the corner of your eye(s).

Just my 2p.

[JsMum]

In Js Situation he may not learn consequences, but I put them in place because within the meltdown he had attacked, Im not giving him a conseqence for having a meltdown, its for the act (attacking me) he has done.

 

JsMum

Edited May 23, 2008 by JsMum

[lynyona]

I find the best way to cope is to just leave him to calm down himself he is 22,things do usually get damaged though but as long as he isnt in any danger i can live with that and the plus is its usually his own stuff he breaks but have got a few punch holes in the doors and walls before today ,but dh cant just leave it he always trys to calm the situation but that just makes him worse we as parents know when to say nothing but unfortunately he doesnt and also he will say things that arent true just to wind him up which annoys me and then its an all out argument, the times ive told him about this.

[darky]

I find in meltdown situation there is no getting through. If we are in the house I direct my girl to a safe place and she rages it out. When we are out it is different as the first thing she tries to do is run. So I end up having to restrain. Normally the meltdown out of the house is through fear. When she is calm we try talking to her about how things could have been done different. To be honest, she does recognise what she has done wrong, either lashing out or saying hurtful things, or breaking or throwing something, and bless her, she does normally come to me and appologise without prompting. I think that shows her lack of control and her desire to control herself, but sometimes it is too much. So in our case, how my daughter feels after meltdown is enough of a sanction for her, as I genuinely think she does not want to do it, it's not trying to get her own way, rather frustration or fear she can't express any other way at the time. It's heartbreaking I think.