So angry ..............

[oxgirl]

I feel so full of anger about things that have happened at school and I just don't seem to be able to move on from them or get over them.

 

Some of you may remember that Jay had a terrible period where he was put through hell by another pupil in his unit. Staff didn't protect him and he experienced pure terror and panic and genuine distress for a long, long time and this wasn't acknowledged or dealt with until a new teacher came and finally started to take things seriously. That was last year and the last half of this year have been a lot better. Jay finally started to believe that someone was actually on his side and he began to feel safe again and his confidence gradually started to come back.

 

Looking back to that terrible time, though, even though it was a year ago, I still shake with fury and tie myself up in knots about it and I can't seem to let it go. I feel pure hatred and fury towards the people I feel are responsible for his suffering and, because I can't express it, it's eating away at me. We're still picking up the pieces at home and living with the results of the damage that was done to him during this period. He is stronger as a person now, but, when I look back at that quivering, terrified little person that he was, not able to relax and constantly on edge and fearful and looking over his shoulder in case this boy was going to 'get him' I just see red.

 

Is this normal do you think?? Why can't I move past it now that it is over and what can I do to get over it??!! I'm also furious about the way he and I were treated last September when Jay was left for four hours with a broken bone in his wrist and finally they called me and told me he was 'tired'. I can't seem to forgive the people involved and I feel an almost unnatural sense of fury towards them to the point where I feel like physically attacking them!! I fantasize about screaming and yelling at them and telling them about everything that I'm angry about. Mostly I lie awake at night fuming aout the various incidents and things people have said and done and not done and it's cracking me up and I don't know what to do, I feel like I'm losing my mind.

 

Does anyone else feel furious with people at school and how do you move on from it?

 

~ Mel ~

[jo jones]

oxgirl av a look at my posts,,i am taking school to court cos of the little one's bump,,,and will never forgive them for just saying he was grizzly!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!could have lost him!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! <'> <'>

[oxgirl]

oxgirl av a look at my posts,,i am taking school to court cos of the little one's bump,,,and will never forgive them for just saying he was grizzly!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!could have lost him!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! <'> <'>

 

Yes, I've seen your thread jo jones and quite honestly I don't know how you cope with the feelings you must have. It wasn't as serious for my lad but I'm climbing the walls with the fury and injustice of it. There has to come a time when we can get past this anger though and that's what I'm trying to do, but it isn't working at the moment. Maybe the outcome of your court case with bring you some way closer to moving on from it, but I feel like I'm having to swallow these ill feelings and it's making me sick to my stomach.

 

~ Mel ~

[bluefish]

I so understand how you feel. it is such a hard place to be. I have fallen out with school due to the total lack of competence regarding my sons special needs and really feel i need to write to board of govoners to complain but also know I have to work wirh school for the next seven years so am a bit hesitent to complain even though I know I must make co,plaint about senco who is inept.

[pearl]

Because he's your boy, and you love him, and you are like a mother tigress & want to protect him, and the people you entrusted him to let him and you down. Of course you are angry, but as you have worked out yourself, it isnt doing you any good.

 

I felt the same over an incident with JP at High School which I cant give details of to protect his privacy. But it was very bad. Not long ago, we saw the boy involved, & my lip curled. Like you I just wanted to thump him. JP saw my look, & said, Mum, it was a long time ago, I've forgiven him.

 

He taught me a lesson that day, although I think it is easier to forgive those who do bad things to you than it is to forgive those who do bad things to your child.

 

I've no easy answers Mel but I find writing helps. Maybe you could write down everything that happened, then either keep it in a word doc or burn it, whichever is most cathartic for you. <'>

 

Oh and a little bit of Karma - recently mr p interviewed the boy in question at the JobCentre. His face was a picture when he saw who he'd got, and mr p did not give him an easy time!

[Kathryn]

I think it is easier to forgive those who do bad things to you than it is to forgive those who do bad things to your child.

 

So so true. Fairly recently I was at a restaurant with a bunch of women and ended up next to someone who started talking about her son. I realised that he was almost certainly a boy who had assaulted my daughter in class a few years previously. The mother would have had no knowledge of this as nothing was ever investigated. I had to sit and listen to her telling me how well he'd done in his exams and how he was going to study medicine. Then I took the first opportunity to move to the other end of the table. It wasn't her fault - I just couldn't talk to her.

 

Oxgirl I can so identify with the feelings you describe. It is possible to move on, I think, but it does take time. Writing might help, as pearl said. Keeping a diary was very cathartic for me. And I was able to channel some of that anger into challenging the system and helping others succeed where we'd failed. I write to the local papers whenever SEN issues come up. I think the adage "don't get mad, get even" holds true here - and I haven't finished yet. One day I will tell the whole story if I can find a way of protecting my daughter's identity. .Anger is good if you use it constructively, but I think you have to take time out first to be good to yourself, rage a bit, and let the dust settle.

 

I hope you find something that works for you. <'>

 

K x

[jo jones]

u are doing the best thing at the mo by just getting it all out,,and like previously said we will do anything to protect our kids no matter what the situation,,that's the hard bit of parenting i suppose,,,with our situation everyone has said why havent we changed schools and so on? i dont really know why but he dont mix that well and im thinkin while he copes there at the moment why should we change,,,cos it shouldnt be about what we feel,,it is about him sooo,,,,things may change after the hols and they may make us feel that he shouldnt go there due to this,,,then we will change as it may be for the best.... i also think i can say that i have won already as through health and safety, new procedures have to be put in place to protect all the children in the school,,from something like that ever happening again,,,,,i hope,,,,,, if u need to rant please feel free to pm me <'> <'> <'> jo

[Enid]

When my son was excluded from school I was soo angry, like you I was awake night after night, running conversations over in my head, what made it worse was that staff at the school were telling me that they were furious about the way my son was treated, yet they wouldnt say it officialy, so I could`nt use it in the tribunal, as I appealed, the gap between him being excluded in November and getting the letter from the county council on the 16TH January was awful, I COULNT THINK OF ANYTHING ELSE, it ran through my mind constantly, eating me up, and I also work at the school so was also acting a part constantly!!!! On the day I was to get the letter I saw the postman walking up the road as I took the kids to school, I was off that day, I took ages walking back as was scared to read it, as if I had won, I would never have sent him back to that school anyway, and if I had lost it would be a nightmare, It took me an HOUR to pluck up the courage to open what I saw at the time as a life changing letter. I lost. I was in shock, and all day it went constantly through my mind, endlessly, on and on. then at 6pm that night, just as I was going to collect my daughter from brownies, my sister phoned to say my beloved, lovely, Dad, had fallen down the stairs, I wont dwell on this, suffice to say, he died later that night, it was a terrible time, and I thanked god that I hadnt yet phoned him to tell him the results of the tribunal, as I would have felt guilty, forever. and it was only because my daughter was going to brownies, or else I would have, I have lost the point a bit here, but the thing I am trying to say, I think, is, what does it all matter at the end of the day? I let it all go, there and then. I thought in the big scheme of things, what does it matter, my DAD is dead, am I going to go on worrying and OBSESSING, cos that what it is, about something that is gone and past, let it go, and move on if you can, cos if I learnt one thing its this, This is not a dress rehersal, this is the real thing.. Sorry if this is a bit morbid. <'> <'> <'> Enid

[Clare63]

Mel ~ <'> <'> <'>

 

Clare x x x

[oxgirl]

Thanks for the support everyone. I'm in a right mess today. I'm alternating between screaming obsenities at the top of my voice whilst driving home from school to bawling at the top of my lungs. I just don't know what to do with this anger.

 

~ Mel ~

[jo jones]

i used to do the same but then i realised that i was punishing myself!!!!!,,,,,it didnt get me anywhere but done my head in,,,,,,,,,i have learnt to let things go,,, and now i know things happen for a reason and are sometimes taken out of our control,,if that makes sense?,,,,,and if u are needing to scream and shout then i think that is better than keeping it all in,,,,,, i still have days like this and it's best for people to leave me alone cos they get it in the neck !!!!! but i can talk a glass eye to sleep also so maybe this is why it all comes out!!!!!!!!!! <'> <'> <'> jo

[cmuir]

Hi

 

I must admit to having similar feelings about my son's school and even so-called professionals (ie CAMHS) involved with us.

 

I've found that if I sit boiling over something that's annoyed me, that's when I feel like I've run out of steam. Taken me a while, but I've realised it's really not beneficial for me or anyone else to get myself in that state. In honesty, I've found there's been too many battles on occasions for me to handle without being preoccupied with one.

 

I've found that by tackling things head-on eg usually writing a letter expressing my thoughts, that that tends to help - I find it's a way of expressing my view/opinion particularly if I'm unhappy about the way something has been dealt with (or not dealt with!). I find when I'm not given the opportunity to eg defend myself/my son, put across my point of view, etc that that's when things fester and I have difficulty moving on. I've found that it's all too easy to type out a letter just after being rubbed up the wrong way and fire it off to someone resulting in getting their backs up. Now I tend to type out a letter and leave it up for a couple of days and then go back to it. That way it's not a knee-jerk reaction and I tend to be able to be much more articulate but tactful, whilst putting mypoint across in non-aggressive, but constructive manner (a much more considered approach). Not only is it therapeutic, but it provides a written record plus allows me to convey my feelings to the relevant person - I've actually found that I usually achieve/get the results that way.

 

Worth a try maybe.

 

Caroline.

[madme]

Can I also suggest that you go for counselling?It may help- particularly CBT. I also use a punch bag!

[doodle]

I feel so full of anger about things that have happened at school and I just don't seem to be able to move on from them or get over them.

 

Some of you may remember that Jay had a terrible period where he was put through hell by another pupil in his unit. Staff didn't protect him and he experienced pure terror and panic and genuine distress for a long, long time and this wasn't acknowledged or dealt with until a new teacher came and finally started to take things seriously. That was last year and the last half of this year have been a lot better. Jay finally started to believe that someone was actually on his side and he began to feel safe again and his confidence gradually started to come back.

 

Looking back to that terrible time, though, even though it was a year ago, I still shake with fury and tie myself up in knots about it and I can't seem to let it go. I feel pure hatred and fury towards the people I feel are responsible for his suffering and, because I can't express it, it's eating away at me. We're still picking up the pieces at home and living with the results of the damage that was done to him during this period. He is stronger as a person now, but, when I look back at that quivering, terrified little person that he was, not able to relax and constantly on edge and fearful and looking over his shoulder in case this boy was going to 'get him' I just see red.

 

Is this normal do you think?? Why can't I move past it now that it is over and what can I do to get over it??!! I'm also furious about the way he and I were treated last September when Jay was left for four hours with a broken bone in his wrist and finally they called me and told me he was 'tired'. I can't seem to forgive the people involved and I feel an almost unnatural sense of fury towards them to the point where I feel like physically attacking them!! I fantasize about screaming and yelling at them and telling them about everything that I'm angry about. Mostly I lie awake at night fuming aout the various incidents and things people have said and done and not done and it's cracking me up and I don't know what to do, I feel like I'm losing my mind.

 

Does anyone else feel furious with people at school and how do you move on from it?

 

~ Mel ~

[doodle]

Hi. So sorry you are feeling like this, but it IS normal. You are bound to be anxious that this might happen again. A few suggestions, write to the school and SEN governor. You can state how happy you are with the new teacher, but you are concerned about past events and state what happened. You can ask for the schools assurance that this will not be repeated. Also if your child is involved with CAMHS, then you should be able to speak to someone there too. That service is for the child AND their parents. Lastly, draw a picture or write a letter to the person who is annoying you most, then tear it up and throw it away.

Hope this helps

[oxgirl]

Thanks very much again everyone. I like the writing it down and burning it idea, I think I'll give that a go sometime. I've tried counselling, but just spent the hour ranting about school and came away feeling like I hadn't resolved anything really. I really need to be able to find a way to express my anger to people AT THE TIME and get it off my chest right away, rather than nursing these feelings and letting them build up and up for over a year until I feel like they're going to rip me apart. Of course, it's too late to do anything about it now, I can't go in ranting about something someone said a year ago, they'd have me locked up, but I need to learn to address things at the time and then move on straight away. Easier said than done, though, I guess as we get into habits sometimes, don't we. I think I've always been a bottler upper!

 

~ Mel ~

[Annea]

Hi Mel,

 

Reading this made me feel so sad, because s many of feel the same things...

 

Like Jo Jones I got to the point where I realised that I was hurting myself... I had so much anger and hatred, I couldn't sleep and having an incurable illness this was very definitely making me very ill.

 

I am also a big advocate of writing things down... BUT I have also tried to go one further....

I now try to win the games they play....

 

I have a daily diary that I use just to document all my emails (I also keep copies of all sent and recieved emails as well as read receipts) I documnet all phone calls along with times and duration and brief content. (If a person says they will ring me back at a certain time, I document this and whether they did or not) I also document all conversations I have with anyone from the LEA or school, any meetings I attend I insist are minuted, I always take someone with me who takes my notes and I always go through these minutes before I allow anyone to walk out the door...

It might seem a bit mad, but my notes have helped me no end, and pick up lies and inconsistencies very quickly!

 

It also takes very little time! nd is just a case of being organised!

 

we are nearing our second appeal the first for diss discr which we won against the school the next is appealing against part 2, 3 and 4 of the statement and we are asking for a named inedependant school.

 

This year for the first time in 10 years I feel I am being proactive... it dosn't alwys stop those feelings of fury... but now I can let them go and just get more determined to get even....

 

I think you have to find out what works fr you, and there is no same way that is right for everyone!

 

I do hope you find a way through this..... it is certainly like climbing everest backwards and blind folded! Nigh on impossible at times!

 

anne x

[oxgirl]

Thanks for that, anne. <'> I'm hoping that having a break from school will help some of these feelings to fade a bit. I was all churned up inside all morning yesterday, Jay's last morning at his Unit. Driving up to meet him at lunchtime, I felt so anxious. Then I saw the Head of the Unit drive up and walk past me without even acknowledging me. Jay came out and got in the car and they hadn't even given him a card or come out to say goodbye or anything, so I just drove off and felt a big anticlimax. Today I'm still preoccupied with feelings of anger towards certain people and things that I wish I'd said to them but now is too late. I'm hoping that by September I'll feel a bit more free from the burden of these feelings but it's not easy to escape from them. My head seems to run on overtime half the time.

 

~ Mel ~

[hedders]

I feel every parent will have alot of emotions now its end of term, promises schools make, things that havent happened etc...

we been conned by our school 3 years of blaming us for everything then this week to be told yea your right about your dd needs and goodbye.

Had a meeting with junior senco today here we go again dont have any info about her and said

SOME CHILDREN DONT HAVE ANYTHING WORNG WITH THEM, ITS PARENTS ANXITITES THAT INFULENCE THEM.

 

Thanks senco and the primary school senco says i spoken to the senco about your dd she popped up in the conversation !!!!

My hubby is fuming by it all well welcome to the club !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!