Driving me insane

[Claire82]

I know that we are only one and a half weeks into summer but i just feel like i don't know how i will cope for the rest of it!

Ds is 8 and has aspergers, I also have dd aged 2 1/2 (nt we think). the thing is, ds is constantly doing something 'wrong'. He fidgits constantly, tapping his fingers or his foot, he's always whistling (to no particular tune) or making weird noises. I have asked him not to make these noises in the house, I do try to ignore it, but the more i tell myself to ignore it the more irritating it gets, so i told him to go out into the garden if he wants to make noises (this hasn't worked btw).

He seems to find it funny to frighten dd, hiding behind things and jumping out, roaring or screetching at her, poor little thing is so nervous now and runs to me trying to climb up me like a wild animal at the slightest noise or movement from ds. she absolutely adores ds and would love to just 'play', but ds always slams doors shut to keet her out (i'm scared he will trap her fingers) and says he wants to play on his own. then sometimes dd will be playing nicely by herself and ds will walk by and snatch things away from her, saying that they are his (these could be things that he hasn't layed eyes on for weeks) leaving her screaming and me at my wits end.

He is glued to the tv and refuses to watch anything that might also be interesting for dd. i have tried unplugging the tv and tucking the plug right under the cupboard, but he will find it and plug it back in. He seems to leave a trail of mess and destruction where ever he goes, emptying toy boxes and refusing to clear up, saying dd made the mess and he's not clearing it away. Today i hoovered right through downstairs, then came into the front room to find that he was sat eating a mini box of cornflakes and had given one to dd and sat and watched her tip them up all over the sofa and floor and crush them into a million bits

I don't want to sound like i have a massive downer on the boy, i love him to bits, but he's just so infuriating. Tonight after putting him to bed, i could here banging coming from his room, so dh went to investigate, only to find ds hanging out of his window (usually kept locked but unlocked due to the warm weather). Every time we try to talk to him to explain things he covers his face with his hands, starts to but in with 'but mum' 'i didn't' and then goes on to cry histerically and run off.

He has a thing about standing on things, anything that gets left on the floor, and with a 2 year old in the house, there are a lot of things that get left around. he can't step over them or walk round, he will deliberately step on them, sometimes breakable things, he has stood on my hoover pipe that many times i've had to tape it up due a split in it.

I know that dh dreads coming home from work to listen to me ranting and raving and going on about everything ds has done that day. it's all we seem to talk about.

Sorry to rant on but it's been a particularly tough day today, and i don't know how many more i can take. i seem to have lost all patience and any motivation to try to make it better. i feel like my son will grow up hating me, it must seem like the only time i speak to him is to tell him off. i know he is jelious of dd, he thinks that she gets all the attention and he gets none, but it's not like that, if anything, dd tends to get left to play by herself as all my time is taking up by ds.

ok i will shut up now, even though i could probably go on all night lol!

please help me to save my sanity

[jo jones]

omg not just me then??? i have had the day from hell tday,,he has been a total nitemare,,,he found a box with paint testers in and decided to pour them on the patio,,i thought he was quiet????? then when he had smeared them everywhere the dog needed to go out and promptly walked nice bright orange paw prints through the house,,much to the little ones laffin????? he has gone into my eldest boys bedroom and has gone through the drawers and broken his stuff,,of course he didnt do it???? even though the eldest was in work????we took him out in the car to try and calm him cos is really hyper tday,,he was taking the seatbelt off,,and trying to climb on the back shelf of the car!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!my hubby is keen to drive as he only passed his test 2 weeks ago,,and this made him sooooooo nervous,,,,,,,,he has constantly been pullin and trying to sit on me all nite,,and he wont go to bed,,i have given up tday,at my wits end,,i am even thinkin to go and get the herbal form of ritalin to see if this will calm him cos the clever psych whom he was under says he hasnt adhd??????????????????????????????????????????????????????just dunno anymore,,,,sorry for the grumpy post and no advice but im sure sum of the nice peeps on ere will help us out,,,so chin up a new day tmrw!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[bid]

Hi Claire,

 

First of all, I know it's really difficult, but all the fidgeting, tapping, etc, isn't him being 'naughty' or doing 'wrong' things...If you tell him off or try to make him stop, this will probably make him very stressed, which will lead to him doing it even more.

 

These will either be stimming (self-stimulation), or tics. If he's stimming then he's doing it because he needs to for various reasons: to calm himself down, to block out other things that overwhelm him, to help him concentrate. If he's ticcing, then these are involuntary movements and noises.

 

With stims that really annoy or are hurting him, you can try to redirect them to something similar but less intrusive (e.g. a child who stims by constantly turning the light on and off can be given a torch instead). We gave my DS worry beads at one stage when he was little.

 

I do know how hard it can be. To give you some light at the end of the tunnel...I had a constant fidgeter, diddler and twiddler. But he's 19 now, and although he still chews things all the time, and likes to have something to fiddle with, he really is quite 'still' these days! Although a couple of years ago a friend of mine gave him a really cool Goth-ish bracelet...well, he basically ate it!!

 

Good luck!

 

Bid

Edited July 29, 2008 by bid

[smiley]

There are some days where i'd quite happily staple my darling son to the ceiling too!

 

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[JsMum]

Js love is to frighten people, he gets such a buzz, its instant and its highly amusing to him, the biggest reason he loves it is because he gets so much stimulation from doing it, it also helps him read the face, the person been scared gives a real sure SHOCK face, then maybe a scream, and then the person running away, he adores frightening people, I thought he was totally disturbed at first, especially as he did it to older ladies, who would be soo frightened, but he actually liked the responce he got, even if it ment that he got told off, he did again to another person five mins later.

 

Often does it to me, I really hate it because if Im settled then he scares me I get such a lot of adrenalin going around my body, its really unerving, but I now understand why he does it, and Ive given him other sensory stimulation now, a brilliant book to read to get more ideas is a the book called The out of Syncs Child has Fun, there is so many fun and stimulating things in there.

 

I have a sensory room for J now and the frightening fits have halved, the games we play and the routines have really helped J, I totally agree with Bid in that the more you tell the child to stop it, the more impulsive they become, when J is partically loud I now wear earplugs, its better to just let him to naturally get it out than tell him to stop, or calm down, its much easier having a sensory aproach, have you looked into weighted blankets too, this has been great for J, do have a look at the book Out of Syncs child and the Out of syncs child has fun.

 

JsMum

[allsetuk]

omg me too, i had a terrible day too....was it a full mooon....these holidays are impossible arent they not helped by the fact i have no money to go anywhere and it feels like unless M is out learning, exploring, feeding of knowledge from 7am till 11pm then he gets beside himself and turns on me....he has these extended periods of time where he goes literally hyper mental , running around jumping on the sofa, and charging at me....and saying the exact opposite of what i say , its at these times he frightens me cos i cant control him at all, he laughs in my face and turns into a really unpleasant little person . .. not a minute goes by when he doesnt command my attention in these schools holidays its mummy look at this , mummy i need you , mummy come quick, hes only happy if i sit with him all day every day ...he doesnt sleep alone , go to the toilet alone... so when he goes hyper crazy its usually when i am most tired and i just cant cope ......i noticed yesterday after like an hour of it , he said sorry , of course i was run ragged and near to tears myself and i said something mean, like You dont really mean you are sorry cos if you were you wouldnt do it ...well he went berserk ......and it was like red rag to a bull ....he was beside himself with anger at me.....of course ...and i felt terrible , i tried to console him and i was in tears .....he wouldnt give me a hug cos he wanted to stare at my face ......he thought i was laughing at him not crying .....hes 6 now and i feel like times are getting harder .....we ve just been to stay with freinds who he loves to bits ...but he spent the whole time trying to pull me out of the situation with them and to go play "alone " in the bedrooom with him .......when they spoke to him he just totally ignored them , it was so hard. ....nice to know we are all feeling the pressure together though ...if it wasnt for talking to you guys, id have no one who understood

[lisa35]

[

Edited July 30, 2008 by lisa35

[Cat]

I have to 100% agree with Bid here the noises and fidgets are either stims or tics and trying to stop them will only make them worse. I say this because the child will feel under even more pressure to conform which in turn will make everything worse. I once heard Rita Jordan speak and she said that we should never just tell a child on the spectrum to stop doing something like a stim - if it really is unbearable then you have to ofter them something else that they can do which is acceptable.

 

What I would be doing now is to let my son know that his room is where he goes when he is stressed and needs time out. Probably be shot down in flames here but I would probably put a TV in his room to. I tried to help a parent whose child took possession of the TV in the sitting room and we tried everything, including cutting the plug off it, it just made the child throw a 24/7 tantrum and Mum could simply not cope because she to had a little one. The solution was to put a TV into the child's room where the child could watch what it wanted. It was underlined that the TV in the sitting room did not belong to the child. Once something like this has bedded in it can be very difficult to stop so you have to look for alternatives or a compromise, unless you can weather the storm quite literally.

 

I was told to pick my battles carefully and only to battle with something that was really important. For me not spooking a little one or slamming doors on her would be important. I would bring in a rule of no jumping out or slamming doors on the little one ever. This is totally different to stim. It is not something that the child needs to do and even though it is something that your son probably does not really fully comprehend, because it is not frightening him, then it is something you can stop. Again it wont be easy but I would try.

 

It can be difficult because once locked into a negative thought cycle I am sure that our kids pick up on this - believe me been there done that

 

Cat

Edited July 30, 2008 by Cat

[Flora]

I've recently bought some great fiddle things off ebay for my 14 yo. They are the kind that have bits that click apart and they have different textures (bumpy, smooth, rough etc). I bought two and they were really cheap (off ebay). They made especially for 'fiddlers'. He's had them about a month and since then he he has been less stimmy all round! He's always got one of them, or part of one, in his hand, and you can snap them, twist them, pull them, push them and generally fiddle with them until your heart's content and they don't break!!!! He's not even chewing his clothes since I bought him these! Anyone interested in these pm me and I'll send the link to the online shop.

 

Flora

[jo4themo]

I also agree with Bid with regards to the stimming (or isms as we call them in our house!). N also has AS and she makes odd noises, flaps her hands and head rolls (she now only head rolls when very stimulated or excited). One things she does like to do is to have a small piece of blu-tac in her hand that she rolls around etc - we find that this keeps her calm and reduces her isms - she tends to do this mainly at school but occasionally if we go out somewhere. She is really into books so whenever we go anywhere (and I mean anywhere!) she takes a book with her. She uses this to help block out things that might over-stimulate her but to start with we think she did it to block out the big wide world (she has taken books with her since she was 6 months old - long before she was dxd!)

Ironically, N has been OK so far - apart froma slight melt-down last night when I was bathing our youngest and couldn't get to her quickly enough (always the way!) which resulted in a desk tidy plus contents being thrown over front room floor - but her younger sister (NT) is bored already and her brother (age 3, NT) has been a horror all week, throwing things, hitting etc etc.

Sorry I can't offer more advice

Emma

[Claire82]

Hi and thanks to everyone for your replies. I know that ds can't really help most of the things he does, but sometimes it's really difficult to alter your way of thinking. You see, ds only had a dx in May, and for years prior to this the school and family members all just said he was 'a naughty boy' and i tried everything to get him to 'behave'. It was about 18 months ago when things came to a head with the school and I started to look into things more that I began to suspect AS. But as I said before, when you have dealt with things a certain way (whether right or wrong) for such a long time, it can be really difficult to retrain yourself (and other ignorant people) to stop thinking of the behaviour as 'good' or 'bad' IYKWYM.

Anyway, I just wanted to come back today and say how much better things have been since my rant, lol! i think i just needed to vent

I have decided to try to plan a few activities in advance as distractions. The tv thing is difficult, ds does have a tv in his room but only for dvds or computer games (we live next to a mountain and have no tv without sky).

Today he has been better, although I think this has a lot to do with my frame of mind (yesturday I was pre menstral), when I read my OP I feel quite ashamed of myself tbh, he's not that bad really, i was just having an off day i suppose, i'm only human.

[Flora]

(yesturday I was pre menstral), when I read my OP I feel quite ashamed of myself tbh, he's not that bad really, i was just having an off day i suppose, i'm only human.

 

Absolutely you're only human, so please don't feel ashamed.... I have come on here and ranted about one of my kids at times...usually when it got to the point where my temper has bubbled up to the point where I could get physical so I chose to bash the daylights out of my keyboard rather than a child

 

Flora

[Suze]

Hi Clare, it took my sons dx a long time to sink in and come to terms with.That was nearly 6 yrs ago now and I,m still learning , thankfully friends (most of them) and family have over the years begun to understand also what AS/ASD is all about.I,m sure yours will too.My son is very vocal and noisy and makes lots of strange sounds alot of the time.I can understand how annoying it can be , I have days when it drives me bonkers, then other times I,m more able to cope with it.He has quite dramatic mood swings , very down one minute then totally OTT the next.He,s 13 now it has got alot easier/better as he has matured....., he would also have big issues with his younger siblings and we did have trapped fingers once..........and toys thrown at his sister hitting her in the face, I always came down very hard on him and as the younger ones got older it has got better,he,s my oldest and a treasure , and makes his mum lovely cups of tea .

[allsetuk]

HI Claire i completly understand how hard it is to change the way you percieve it...my son was diagnosed jan 2007 after 2 years of assessments and he has been discharged from hospital with a "he is progressing and presenting as you would expect for severe ASD " and im still waiting for any help in terms of a autism course to attend for me to try get my head around how i deal with him , i struggle to keep my patience , even though i know he really cant help it. im just so tired ....and my son is incredibly compliant when anyone else is around ask he says to me people will think he is a freak if he doesnt try and conform ....but this means huge problems when we are away from anyone else and when people eventually spend time with us they see he cant maintain it for very long.

 

Many of my freinds who actually i dont see much anymore because i got sick of hearing , "youre just not hard enough on him.....give him a time out...shut him in his bedroom, sit him on the naughty step" all of which i knew would make things much work and i had tried when he was much younger only to see how much worse they made things.....and also being told that M is just like there son .....well my son does this and my son does that ...thats not unusual....ive given up trying to talk about it with other people away from this board. My son constantly throws himself against the sofa and spends 70 % of his day naked ...in a blanket if he can ....humming , buzzing, flicking, snapping, climbing doorframes. jumping on the floor ....i cant stop him.nor should i try maybe but i would like to understand more how and what i say impacts him ..but it takes every ounce of energy to keep calm ....none of us have superpowers and we all have good days and bad days, and i always think i mustnt cling on to how bad it went yesterday but try and deal with it better tomorrow... i might shed a few tears once m is in bed cos the guilt is enormous though isnt it...but tomorrow a new day

[biff]

spends 70 % of his day naked

 

Why do they strip off. If he had his way he just wouldnt get dressed. In the house he is either naked or just a t-shirt and 'swinging free' down below. Why is this? :s

[dooday24]

dunno biff but reece is exactly the same he has never got any clothes on he just hates wearing them so at home hes always naked lol

 

well it saves on the washing hehe

 

sorry not any help at all

 

love donnaxxxxx

[jo jones]

me too bloomin great it is,,,,,,,,,hates clothes ,,,,oops should say little one not me ha ha,,,i like clothing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Edited July 30, 2008 by jo jones

[allsetuk]

i dont know why ..but it must be sensory?? ...someone on here will know ....

[Suze]

Definitely sensory, olga bogdashina wrote a very insightful book about sensory perceptions in autism.You could try cutting labels out of clothing, no buttons zips etc, and just let him wear a cotton loose t-shirts and joggers.My son just wears t-shirts and fleeces, etc . It has got better as he has got older, as I think his tactile sensory probs have been lessened as he has got used to more stuff.Could also be that they feel too hot aswell and like to be naked to feel cool.My sons the opposite and will wear a fleece in warm weather and not even notice he is warm or that it is a warm day.

[Flora]

Stripping off is definately a sensory thing. My son used to do this as soon as we were in the house. Thankfully at the age of 14 he no longer does this However his clothes have to be at least one size too big for him, they have to be soft textured and 'warm' to the touch (no 'cold' feeling fabrics). P*****k sell these joggers which cost about �1.50 apair... I go every couple of months or so and buy about 10 pairs (they don't wash very well so after half a dozen washes they look awful!).

 

As suze says, removing the labels and any other item that could be scratchy or irriatating does help.

 

Flora

[biff]

It doesn't really bother me I am fine with it in the house. He has started chewing his clothes though and that gets on my nerves a tad. I have bought him loads of chewing gum today to see if this helps!

[bikemad]

Know this l sound mean but im so glad you have all said it is the same for you cos im so glad im not on my own struggling....the hols so far have been a nightmare!!!!!

[Cariad]

I'm glad it's not just me then! DS is a living breathing nightmare, the meltdowns and the lack of sleep and the screeching..

 

They have bumped up the sessions for T thank goodness or I don't know how I would get through the 6 weeks.

[Enid]

[quote

 

They have bumped up the sessions for T thank goodness or I don't know how I would get through the 6 weeks.

 

What does that mean?

Enid