Behaviour

[joanne1]

Can anyone help me?

 

Ds 13 has behavioural difficulty especially in school. It is all the time and most of it is anger and being abusive to teachers when he is being told off or if he can't do something or simply refuses to do something.

 

This is not a new thing, so it isn't just teenage troubles.

 

My problem is how do I deal with this to get results. We havn't got dx yet but have been assessed and he will be, on the spectrum. What ever I have always done seems to have little effect and I can talk till the cows come home, but there will at some point be something else happen at school. At the clinic they did say he is going to have to relearn alot of things but he needs to understand what he has, and understand the problems that he has, in order to identify and understand what triggers him, for him to relearn. He knows what we think it could be, but how do I learn a teenager?? He has been this way for a long time. First I don't know how to learn him to cope with his frustration and anger to stop him getting into trouble, and also as much as we have mentioned the spectrum and the clinic have explained it, he doesn't understand. And I feel that I can't persue it with him until we have a definite dx. Which leads me to say , if he doesn't understand what he has ,so he can eventually understand his problems, so he can learn how to prevent situations etc, where can I start. I don't know where to start.

 

I am sure sometimes he doesn't think there is a problem because he doesn't think he has done wrong.

 

I know I have rambled on but if anyone has anything like the trouble we do, please feel free to give me some tips.

 

Joanne

[Blp]

Hi Joanne I'm new on here and have similar problems to you.

My son is 12 and has recently been diagnosed with Aspergers yet has had learning difficulties since 4! He gets into trouble a lot at school, finds it dificult to stay focused on a task and lacks confidence in himself. He doesn't understand the implications of his behaviour towards other classmates or teachers. I try to discipline him but I think I do more harm than good and I frequently end up crying!

You are not alone, I'm looking for guidance too.

[joanne1]

Hi Joanne I'm new on here and have similar problems to you.

My son is 12 and has recently been diagnosed with Aspergers yet has had learning difficulties since 4! He gets into trouble a lot at school, finds it dificult to stay focused on a task and lacks confidence in himself. He doesn't understand the implications of his behaviour towards other classmates or teachers. I try to discipline him but I think I do more harm than good and I frequently end up crying!

You are not alone, I'm looking for guidance too.

 

 

 

 

Gosh I could have wrote that myself. It amazes me that no-one picked it up with my son. I didn't know what it was but I knew there was something. I went to the doctors one day and asked if a bad fall he had when he was 2 had done something to him, but got sent home with an 'absolutely not'. I am exactly the same as you, in fact I was crying this morning as I feel at the end of my tether. I feel nothing is going to change and where do i begin anyway. I don't like my son 's behaviour much at the minute and because it makes me so sad, I think i resent him at the moment for making life so hard for everyone.

 

I am sure most people have felt like this at some point but I feel guilty for having these feelings. I just can't shake it off at the minute, theres too much going off with him.

 

 

Joanne

[josie h]

Hi Joanne. I also no exactly how you feel. My son has always had problems controlling his anger and lashing out. Last year he broke a TA's rib when he was being removed from a classoom. All he wanted to do was stay there and do his work. He also doesn't seem to realise that this is not the way to behave. we are under a psychatrist, who has suggested trying relaxation techinques. This all sounds great, but as you probably know, usually they will just blow, with no warning. C still tells me he doesn't have any warning signs of when there may be a problem. He also lashes out when for similar reasons to your son.

The only difference I have is that school don't understand that C is very bright - in set one for everything, and yet he is unable to learn to cope with this important social aspect of life. Because of this I am often told that he is using his asd as an excuse to behave badly and 'get away with it.' From experience I do not feel that this is the case, and I also have been trying to find a way to help him to learn these skills.

 

sorry can't give you an answer to the problem, but just wanted to let you no you're not alone in this!

 

Josie

[baddad]

Hi

 

No easy fixes, sadly. You just have to keep on doing it for as long as it takes for them to learn.

The learning curve is extended for our kids, because the 'theory of mind' stuff and other parts of conceptual understanding are often delayed, but it's basically the same process every parent has to go through with the 'terrible twos'.

Like the terrible twos, it's much easier if you forget about trying to get your child to understand 'why' no and concentrate on just teaching them what you expect of them when you say no. Until they understand the 'what' the 'why' concept is a moot point and far too big for them to understand.

Underpinning all of the other strategies (ABC's/ Star charts/Reward & sanction schemes/Time out/1,2,3, Magic etc etc) you have to have clearly defined boundaries, clearly defined behavioural expectations and concrete definitions of what will happen if those boundaries/expectations are not responded to. If we as parents are inconsitent about that, the kids don't stand any chance of 'getting' it, because they haven't got the understanding to read between the mixed signals.

It seems harsh, but if you think about it autism pretty much predicts that your child will largely think in 'black and white' or absolutes, and will take comfort from that kind of predictability and continuity. It's actually more important for our kids than it is for those two year olds, because most two year olds are 'programmed' to welcome change and new experiences; the exact opposite of what most autistic children find attractive.

 

Hope that's helpful

 

L&P

 

BD

[JeanneA]

Hi I know exactly how you all feel, I've recently experienced behavioural problems with my son Glen 14, who is autistic. He was wetting, exposing himself, stripping off and hitting out at staff. Glen doesn't like being told what to do and if he is in the middle of something he 'HAS' to finish it and if you take him away from what he is doing then thats when the behaviour will kick off! I feel that the staff in Glen's class just don't really understand him, the class Glen is in the children have various disabilities they are not all autistic. Things are better now at School as they have put things into place for Glen which is working so far, his behaviour has been fine of late. You never know though if something upsets Glen he could suddenly change again especially as he is getting older.

 

[Mookamoo]

Hi Joanne

 

The key is getting a dx. Once you have that then there a whole host of people and resources you will have access to.

 

The NAS Help! programme for one is great an will really help with parenting techniques and lets you know all about extra help you can access for the school.

 

For our ds it was also very important for him as it allowed him to understand why he thought differently. There is a local ASD club which he goes to (you have to have a dx) and he can meet other people with ASD and this helps him make sense of his dx.

[Diane]

Hi Joanne,

 

My son had to re-learn behaviour patterns. we have done this with the excellent support of his psychologist at CAMHS. It has taken time and lots of very small steps. You will find that you will have to go over the same thing again and again and again and then when that one thing changes and it might only be in a small way you take a deep breath and start again with the next step.

 

My son used to hit other children walk out of lessons, argue with the teacher, talk or shout at them in the same way they had to him.

 

There is no quick fix. My biggest battle was with the teachers and despite CAMHS going in to his school and his outreach teacher it never went right for him so he now attends a PRU especially for kids in year 10 and 11 on the spectrum. This said his mainstream school could not even put in place a time out system for him. I will keep off that subject because it still makes me fume and cry.

 

The positive is that over the last couple of years he has learnt a great deal, but it has been pretty intensive for us all and I did make myself unwell and am now paying the price. Would I do it again most definately the difference it has made is enormous.

 

I have lots of resources that I have made and used along the way. You need to find what works for your son, what motivates him and most importantly what his level of understanding is. CAMHS can help you with all of this.

 

Good Luck

[bid]

Welcome to the forum

 

Sound advice from BD, and I would add using visual aids too.

 

When my DS was a youngster he always had a visual timetable so he could see exactly what was happening and when.

 

We also used plenty of 'posters' around the house with things like 'No Hitting' and very simple rules for his bedroom, etc.

 

My top tip which came from the child psychologist who worked on very intensive behavioural therapy with him/us when he was little is to pick on the most troublesome behaviour and focus on that first. It's too vague for our kids to have a 'being good' thing. It needs to be much more concrete and simple, so for us the first behaviour we targeted was simply 'No Hitting'. When that behaviour has modified you can move on to the next most troublesome.

 

Also, you need to use very simple language when you are addressing the target behaviour. It has to be as simple as 'No hitting', and everyone needs to use the same simple phrase consistently. It's no good 'talking' to our kids...'You know you shouldn't hit, how many times have I told you not to hit out', etc...not concrete enough and too much to process easily.

 

Any 'rewards' need to be immediate and something your son actually wants...trying to get stars/points, etc, for a whole week is far too long a time for our kids. Break the day into 3 or 4 periods, and reward immediately for each period without the targeted behaviour. As behaviour stabilises, you can reduce the number of periods within the day until he's working for a reward for the whole day, then when that is consistent extend it to two days and so on.

 

It does take a long time and it is intensive, but it is worth it in the end.

 

Good luck

 

Bid

Edited February 5, 2009 by bid

[mom]

hye and welcome

 

It amazes me how many people out there that are the same as us... until I stumbled on this forum I felt I was the only one in a crazy house! We have faced similar problems with our 15 year old son who has adhd, who was giving hell at school with answering back, shouting at teachers, hitting, walking out of class and just refusing to do things we tried everything to no avail, until we got a new principal who low and behold understood, my son is now on monitor daily he carries a sheet to each class and at the end of the class each teacher comments on his work, concentration and behaviour 9/10 times this is positive the monitor seems to help him work better, he also has a get out of class card which he produces if he feels hes gona blow up and he gets to go out for ten minutes, this is closely monitored as he tried to use it to often if he does this now his card is removed for a day, the school also arranged anger managment and counselling in school which we never hear anything about what is discussed but it seems to help, behaviour at home aint that great but one consolation is the school aren't constantly on the phone! Keep trying you will find something that works!

 

 

[Blp]

I don\'t like my son \'s behaviour much at the minute and because it makes me so sad, I think i resent him at the moment for making life so hard for everyone.

 

I frequently feel the same as you Joanne. I don\'t like the way my DS behaves and I feel I am constantly having a go at him and shouting at him. I then end up feeling guilty and often end up crying!

 

Positive praise works well with him initially but it seems he gets to the point of thinking \'well I\'ve been good all day, can\'t be bothered anymore\' and misbehaves before he goes to bed!

 

He is a very loving boy but has very immature social skills and doesn\'t understand that some behaviours are innapropriate. I find I am inconsistent with my discipline which is an issue I need to look at.

 

I have not found the Psychologist at CAMHS very good, as the only thing he keeps saying is \'he needs a timetable\'!I am going to contact NAS to see if there is a local Help program running in my area, also I was wondering how do I get an outreach worker involved? The only support we\'ve had is with CAMHS.

Edited February 5, 2009 by Blp

[joanne1]

I frequently feel the same as you Joanne. I don\'t like the way my DS behaves and I feel I am constantly having a go at him and shouting at him. I then end up feeling guilty and often end up crying!

 

Positive praise works well with him initially but it seems he gets to the point of thinking \'well I\'ve been good all day, can\'t be bothered anymore\' and misbehaves before he goes to bed!

 

He is a very loving boy but has very immature social skills and doesn\'t understand that some behaviours are innapropriate. I find I am inconsistent with my discipline which is an issue I need to look at.

 

I have not found the Psychologist at CAMHS very good, as the only thing he keeps saying is \'he needs a timetable\'!I am going to contact NAS to see if there is a local Help program running in my area, also I was wondering how do I get an outreach worker involved? The only support we\'ve had is with CAMHS.

 

 

 

 

Hi there,

 

How old is your son? Positive praise works with my son abit. But of course you are praising them because they have done good. My son called one his teachers 'bold' the other day. He was in trouble for it naturally but when I said something to him about it he said 'well he is'. He still doesn't grasp that you can't always say what you are thinking to people. And then there is the anger outbursts!!! As I said i can talk till the cows come home but get no results. As said above from other people i think we need to have concise rules and not go on and on because it doesn't work. So I can only think that I can just say you can't gat angry at the teachers, thats the rule. And keep saying it, until hopefully it has some effect. The problem is, that instead of talking his way out of a situation, he gets angry and has outbursts. He doesn't have the social skill of being able to talk about it or explain himself to the teacher. So lands in trouble at every turn. At the moment i just keep saying the rule is that you can't shout at the teachers.

 

I know you say you are incosistant with disapline, and if I am honest I am too. In the sense that everything else I have ever done hasn't worked and now the AS comes into it, I don't if was ever doing it properly anyway. I think i have let things go abit until we get dx, and hopefully get some support on how to do this.

 

Saying that, there has been some good advice for me on this thread so I am going to put it to use and see how we go.

 

Joanne

[joanne1]

Welcome to the forum

 

Sound advice from BD, and I would add using visual aids too.

 

When my DS was a youngster he always had a visual timetable so he could see exactly what was happening and when.

 

We also used plenty of 'posters' around the house with things like 'No Hitting' and very simple rules for his bedroom, etc.

 

My top tip which came from the child psychologist who worked on very intensive behavioural therapy with him/us when he was little is to pick on the most troublesome behaviour and focus on that first. It's too vague for our kids to have a 'being good' thing. It needs to be much more concrete and simple, so for us the first behaviour we targeted was simply 'No Hitting'. When that behaviour has modified you can move on to the next most troublesome.

 

Also, you need to use very simple language when you are addressing the target behaviour. It has to be as simple as 'No hitting', and everyone needs to use the same simple phrase consistently. It's no good 'talking' to our kids...'You know you shouldn't hit, how many times have I told you not to hit out', etc...not concrete enough and too much to process easily.

 

Any 'rewards' need to be immediate and something your son actually wants...trying to get stars/points, etc, for a whole week is far too long a time for our kids. Break the day into 3 or 4 periods, and reward immediately for each period without the targeted behaviour. As behaviour stabilises, you can reduce the number of periods within the day until he's working for a reward for the whole day, then when that is consistent extend it to two days and so on.

 

It does take a long time and it is intensive, but it is worth it in the end.

 

Good luck

 

Bid

 

 

 

I think I am going to concentrate on the most troublesome behaviour first which i think has to be his outbursts at school. Would the way to do it be - 'No shouting at the teachers. That is the rules'. Short and to the point. Please tell me if that is wrong. As i have said I find it a waste of time going on about how you are supposed to behave and telling him he needs to explain himself etc, it just isnt working. Gosh i feel like a child asking how to behave!!! ha ha

 

Except it really isn't funny is it? When we are faced with a phonecall from school everyday.

 

 

Joanne

 

[Blp]

Hi there,

 

How old is your son?

 

My son is 12 (13 this year) but academically he is about 7. I have learned off this forum to say things in short easy sentences such as instead of saying 'how many times have I got to tell you - no shouting' I would now say 'no shouting' and I have found he responds better to it.

 

The frustrating part is the fact that he finds it difficult understanding the correct behaviour expected of him and often gets frustrated to the point he storms off banging doors etc.

 

He's never spoken in a quiet voice it's always been shouting or shouting!! His poor sister puts up with a lot with him (she's 8) but she is very understanding.

 

He also worries and gets scared about the slightest thing which results in him picking the skin on his fingers until they bleed - the lastest being the way his body is changing!!

 

The good thing about this forum is that after reading other posts I don't feel so alone as I tend to bottle things up, my partner is not my 12 & 8 yr olds dad so don't feel I want to burden him with my worries although he is fantastic with them. His dad is still on the scene but is as much use as a chocolate teapot!

 

I've got loads to talk about - anyone know how I could self refer for counselling for my son? CAMHS not very helpfull for us.

[edith simon]

Hi Joanne I'm new on here and have similar problems to you.

My son is 12 and has recently been diagnosed with Aspergers yet has had learning difficulties since 4! He gets into trouble a lot at school, finds it dificult to stay focused on a task and lacks confidence in himself. He doesn't understand the implications of his behaviour towards other classmates or teachers. I try to discipline him but I think I do more harm than good and I frequently end up crying!

You are not alone, I'm looking for guidance too.

Hi Blp,

 

My son was around 12 when we started behavioral therapy /Lovaas/ on our own as LA or LE were not providing any finances.

Look for info among treatments for autism or sg similar.

For us it has worked although my son has got severe learning difficulties too.

The outcome that I have got a well behaved still autistic 23 year old but his quality of life is very good as he can take part in lots of activities,gym,swimming,cooking ,woodwork etc as he is quiet and "behaves" although he needs one to one but there is no problem with tantrums or aerias like this.

If you want do contact.

All the best

Edith

[Blp]

Sorry Joanne <'>

 

Feel I'm taking over your thread so I have started another topic on 'Help and advice'.

 

 

 

Edith, thanks for that advice. I have asked for behaviour therapy via CAMHS but just keep being told to 'stick to a timetable'! Will start trawling the internet.

[joanne1]

Hi Blp,

 

My son was around 12 when we started behavioral therapy /Lovaas/ on our own as LA or LE were not providing any finances.

Look for info among treatments for autism or sg similar.

For us it has worked although my son has got severe learning difficulties too.

The outcome that I have got a well behaved still autistic 23 year old but his quality of life is very good as he can take part in lots of activities,gym,swimming,cooking ,woodwork etc as he is quiet and "behaves" although he needs one to one but there is no problem with tantrums or aerias like this.

If you want do contact.

All the best

Edith

 

 

 

Hi Edith,

 

I have already thought that he needs some behavioural therepy or something. Where do i go to get it? Is it a private thing or do you go the doctors or the clinic which we attend. I feel at the end of my tether at the moment. I don't know which way to turn. I am glad that we are learning what it is but at the same time it's blew this wide open and there are many questions, not enough answers and I realise now how much this has affected our lives and is affecting our lives. It has opened a door and i feel like there is a big hole with no bottom.

 

If you have any info on where to go for behavioural therepy i would be grateful.

 

Joanne

[smiley1590]

maybe a postive therapy like CBT maybe help him rethink negative ways he has been doing it for years! i had anger probs i wid CAMHS they didnt help me at all waste of service money! to be honest they need new systems that wroks for every individual and family probs that arise! maybe having disscussion wid doc and teachers maybe work togther in getting him focused and sorted. i havnt now got anger probs as managed to realise what i was doing to peeps aorund me i love and care about so stopped without no help and support was so hard and difficult why don't you make an anger management plan that you both sign like contract and tell you what to do when gets out of control what will happen to him! maybe respite carers look into possiblity of that too give you all a break well earnt rest you must be so worn out and tired from this all! does your son get aggressive and violent...? does he harm himself in any way...? does he understand what he does or is it pure rage...? do you think could be another reason why gets angery maybe another medical condition he suffering from...?

[Kazzen161]

I would not delay dealing with the anger issues. Whether he has AS or not, he still needs to learn to manage his anger.

 

I have been using a good book "The Red Beast" with some children. Although it is written for younger children, it would probably provide a good starting point for you to talk to him. We are now working on what makes them angry, better ways they can respond, and things they can do to calm down. They were amazed that everyone has a Red Beast inside them (even the teachers!).

 

I find when telling such children off, it is better to say "In this school, we do not...." rather than "you must not...". It seems to lessen the emotional response.

 

"So I can only think that I can just say you can't get angry at the teacher" - you can't stop him getting angry, but you can change what he does in response. You need to give him things that he can do when he is angry, not just tell him what he can't do. With practice, the good response will replace the bad one.

 

My son used to have major anger issues, but he is much better now.

 

It is going to be hard to change his behaviour at school, without the school co-operating (eg: reminding him that it is not appropriate to shout at the teachers, to prompt him to go to time-out to cool down, to go to a specific person and tell him the problem and have help to resolve it, rewarding him for appropriate responses, to pre-empt trigger situations).

 

Schools do have access to various professionals (EPs, Counsellors, school nurse, behaviour outreach) - have they asked for advice from them?

[edith simon]

Sorry Joanne <'>

 

Feel I'm taking over your thread so I have started another topic on 'Help and advice'.

 

 

 

Edith, thanks for that advice. I have asked for behaviour therapy via CAMHS but just keep being told to 'stick to a timetable'! Will start trawling the internet.

Dear Blp,

I mean just read what you can about it and if you can get hold of the Lovaas viodeo tape.It has helped me to handle the aggressive and distructive behavior certainly.

The job was quite tiring as there were 1-1.5 hours fights when son followed me saying "let him do it" I mean what he wanted to do eg.soiling carpets or furnitures,throwing the cat into the small pond etc and I had to resist and reapeating the 1-3 word instruction that "no jam on the carpet" he said jam on the carpet and we had this conv up to one hour at the beginning /very exhausting to see my child cry and his tantrums/ but the time was then reduced after a month keeping up /WHEN I COULD!!/ and he still tris sometimes but as a result to cut out his disruptive behavior he has got now lots of activitioes he likes and I just say."Right if you do not pick up the books I will not bake the cake with you" or "no picking up books no cake ,sorry.

But I have to repeat this info until it thinks in him .Nowdays it 2-5 minutes because he knows he will not get what he wants and I try not to alter my intenntion and he has klearnt.Sometimes he has a few tears sometimes I do have but it less and less and lots of more fun for him and his quality of life is very good with his severe lDs.

He goes to multygym ,swimming,trampoline club /normal/ sculling on river /normal/ /I mean with n"normal" professinal groups and with one to one help as he tries his "no" tricks on other people too so I am there most of the times and we have already got onen to one whom I was training and they do not give in.

If you want to contact me on e-mail or phone just write and if others interested do so.

Best wishes

Edith

[edith simon]

Gosh I could have wrote that myself. It amazes me that no-one picked it up with my son. I didn't know what it was but I knew there was something. I went to the doctors one day and asked if a bad fall he had when he was 2 had done something to him, but got sent home with an 'absolutely not'. I am exactly the same as you, in fact I was crying this morning as I feel at the end of my tether. I feel nothing is going to change and where do i begin anyway. I don't like my son 's behaviour much at the minute and because it makes me so sad, I think i resent him at the moment for making life so hard for everyone.

 

I am sure most people have felt like this at some point but I feel guilty for having these feelings. I just can't shake it off at the minute, theres too much going off with him.

 

 

Joanne

Hi Joanne,

It took me a good 10 years probably until my feelings were controversial and the same sometimes you say.

With time we have had small and big victories and son is now 23 and my resentment has just gone and I am able to really love him although it does not mean that I am not angry sometimes.

The most difficulty for me was that I could not share or did not dare to share my feelings as it went on one occasion into sg very bad with soc.services and I become very creful whom to share it.

We have also got 2 other sons who "suffered and missed" a lot due to autism but at the end of the day I have got the least problem with him and more with the other ones.I mean not serious but just usual problems.

so chin up!!!!

All the best

Edith

We also had a bad fall from stairs but other kids have even more falls /I had myself when a baby fall from a big table when changed/ but they have no asd.

So I do not think fall can cause.

All the parents feel guilty if their child has got a problem but it is coming and going.....I mean the guilt.....

Edith

[edith simon]

Gosh I could have wrote that myself. It amazes me that no-one picked it up with my son. I didn't know what it was but I knew there was something. I went to the doctors one day and asked if a bad fall he had when he was 2 had done something to him, but got sent home with an 'absolutely not'. I am exactly the same as you, in fact I was crying this morning as I feel at the end of my tether. I feel nothing is going to change and where do i begin anyway. I don't like my son 's behaviour much at the minute and because it makes me so sad, I think i resent him at the moment for making life so hard for everyone.

 

I am sure most people have felt like this at some point but I feel guilty for having these feelings. I just can't shake it off at the minute, theres too much going off with him.

 

 

Joanne

Hi Joanne,

It took me a good 10 years probably until my feelings were controversial and the same sometimes you say.

With time we have had small and big victories and son is now 23 and my resentment has just gone and I am able to really love him although it does not mean that I am not angry sometimes.

The most difficulty for me was that I could not share or did not dare to share my feelings as it went on one occasion into sg very bad with soc.services and I become very creful whom to share it.

We have also got 2 other sons who "suffered and missed" a lot due to autism but at the end of the day I have got the least problem with him and more with the other ones.I mean not serious but just usual problems.

so chin up!!!!

All the best

Edith

We also had a bad fall from stairs but other kids have even more falls /I had myself when a baby fall from a big table when changed/ but they have no asd.

So I do not think fall can cause.

All the parents feel guilty if their child has got a problem but it is coming and going.....I mean the guilt.....

Edith

[edith simon]

Hi Edith,

 

I have already thought that he needs some behavioural therepy or something. Where do i go to get it? Is it a private thing or do you go the doctors or the clinic which we attend. I feel at the end of my tether at the moment. I don't know which way to turn. I am glad that we are learning what it is but at the same time it's blew this wide open and there are many questions, not enough answers and I realise now how much this has affected our lives and is affecting our lives. It has opened a door and i feel like there is a big hole with no bottom.

 

If you have any info on where to go for behavioural therepy i would be grateful.

 

Joanne

Hi Joanne,

I was reading the Lovaas book myself and was wathching the Lovaas tape and I paid 1 person to help me to get on with the job as EA was out of question to provide the tharapy.

I was told that my son is 12 and it will not help and I should do it fo 40 hours/week which I could not on my own of course.

We had this program with 1 helper son and me for about 2hours /day.

When I had critism of course from proffessionals that it will not work,I would need exports,I would need money I would need............I sent them away saying that if sy is hungry a few bredcrubs are more than nothing and I went ahaed and we had results.

Just contact me if you wish .I think e-mail is available.

Best

Edith

[MelowMeldrew]

My son is near 14 now, and starting to be confrontational towards us more, he is totally passive in school, and mostly refuses to communicate. On the home front and when we are outside he is now into running into everyone and flapping his arms about, I had to step in front of him last week, because a group of youths wanting to beat him up, because they thought he was threatening them, it could have been very dangerous if he had been on his own. He also throws his head downwards and charges off, in no particular direction, and he is a danger to himself on the road, I have to hold his hand all the time, which is frowned on by people as he is bigger than me now ! if we try to address his behaviours and OCD's, he swears at us too. We find the more we try to address the issues the more he does it, so we have always (Within reason !), let him work it out of his system, because some is attention seeking or stress relief, it's not always easy to know which. Of course now hormones and teen angst is kicking in ! I'm told if I wait until he is 26 he starts apologizing then He is a true autistic at home, but seems to play the passive everywhere else... Teachers do not believe half we impart to them, as he exhibits little of it at school, this makes us feel bad and guilty, yet I know we do nothing wrong. He compartmentalizes his behaviour, he has one 'face' for school, and another for us, and yet another on the street, he reacts to everyone differently... The school are addressing his true self, we are letting him live it ? In 2 years he goes semi-residential so, he is going to find things I suspect very difficult then... We are trying to prime him, he seems unfazed but you don't know do you ?

[edith simon]

My son is near 14 now, and starting to be confrontational towards us more, he is totally passive in school, and mostly refuses to communicate. On the home front and when we are outside he is now into running into everyone and flapping his arms about, I had to step in front of him last week, because a group of youths wanting to beat him up, because they thought he was threatening them, it could have been very dangerous if he had been on his own. He also throws his head downwards and charges off, in no particular direction, and he is a danger to himself on the road, I have to hold his hand all the time, which is frowned on by people as he is bigger than me now ! if we try to address his behaviours and OCD's, he swears at us too. We find the more we try to address the issues the more he does it, so we have always (Within reason !), let him work it out of his system, because some is attention seeking or stress relief, it's not always easy to know which. Of course now hormones and teen angst is kicking in ! I'm told if I wait until he is 26 he starts apologizing then He is a true autistic at home, but seems to play the passive everywhere else... Teachers do not believe half we impart to them, as he exhibits little of it at school, this makes us feel bad and guilty, yet I know we do nothing wrong. He compartmentalizes his behaviour, he has one 'face' for school, and another for us, and yet another on the street, he reacts to everyone differently... The school are addressing his true self, we are letting him live it ? In 2 years he goes semi-residential so, he is going to find things I suspect very difficult then... We are trying to prime him, he seems unfazed but you don't know do you ?

Hi dear Melow,

I do symphatize with you a lot........We also had problems almost like yours about different behaviors at school and at home and very good with other people and bad behavior with us /family/.Even diffrent behavior with different family members.

I was also very worried that there must be sg very wrong I do that he "destinguishe" me with that aggressive and driving mad repetitive quiestions and tried to be agressive etc.

I cannot see /talking from the past as he is 23 now/ that we would have done anything wrong .

Maybe school is more tolerable too and as far as I think I have never been told half of the story that happened at school because of the "?positive attitude"? of the schools and there are a lot more hands available too to help if there are behav.issues.

How much is his speech and understandinG??

Does he have any favorite activities that he really likes??

Does he understand that other people can be afraid of him eg in the street or shop etc if he is charging??

Is he capable to go to gym with you??

I also inroduced boxing gloves to avoid self damage and when I see he is towards aggression I tell him to put on gloves and box the wall outside the house in the garden and he uses boxing gloves in the gym too./of course with supervision/.

We also introduced risperidon 0.5 and now 1mg/day at ninghts.

It is early but 2 months since he takes it and it has helped him with selfinjurios behaviour.

I also make it clear that if he is jumping up and down which can be frightening for other people and children that he must stop it and why /I try 3 times/ if it does not help thenn I say punishment we will not do trampoline this week and then comes a 10-15 minutes verbal fight he says "yes he will go" I say no and no and I stick to what I said and there is no trampolin or other activities that are promised not to have that week.

Fist these "no-s" lasted 1-2 hours until both of us become tired but when I managed the "No " stayed for that activity and now he has learnt that my no is really no and he will not get away with it.

Please forgive me if I right sg nonesense it is because I know very little of your son and his abilities etc.

But I do not mean bad.

If you want to talk lookfor my e-mail.

All the best,

Edith

[Mum22]

Hi

 

New Mum to the Forum but thought I'd throw in my bit. Have two boys 12 and 8 with Aspergers. 8 yr old has mega anger management issues! Have you tried the NAS Help course and Help 2 course for Anger Management. They show you there are three stages to the anger. 1 - they rumble, something is upsetting them, getting anxious etc. 2 - they explode, have meltdown, create havoc etc. 3- they recover, which can take 2 mins, 2 hours or 2 weeks. I've learnt to anticipate the rumbling stage and try to sort the issue then, or issue chill out time at that point to avoid the mega meltdowns. Doesn't always work but has significantly reduced anger in our house. Help courses run all over the country and can be found through the NAS website. They're also FREE!

 

Getting your child to recognise the signs of a meltdown coming and then doing something to change the direction might help. My sons both know chill out time works even though they may go kicking and shouting into it! Perhaps a scale of 1 - 5 on a wall and when he's melting down ask him to point to a number that shows his level of anger - having already worked out that anything over 3 and he needs to have a chill?

 

Edited February 11, 2009 by Mum22

[cactuslove]

Hi new to forum but have similar problems. My daughter was referred to child and family unit where after a time we were informed was likely she has aspergers. Told we should not tell her untill she has dx which comes up in next few weeks but within that time myself and her step dad are in limbo as to how we should cope with her bad behaviour. She comes home over 2 hours late from school and acts as if nothing is wrong, we are both frantic but she just says why do you worry I am not far away. She has a mobile which I set an alarm on for her to be home and rang her. Trouble comes when she meets up with others and is very naive and easily led. Just turn it of or tell them your nearly home or some other obvious lie and she does it. So back to the problem she still has done wrong but I feel if she was not influenced then she would not have to be punished so I feel guilty for punishing her and just dont know what to do. Hope it gets easier once she has dx and things can be explained to her.

Sorry for wittering but any help or advice for parents(step parents) of newly diagnosed 15yr old girl would be gratefully appreciated.

 

Thanx Ann

[bid]

Welcome to the forum, Cactuslove

 

I would have a very simple, clear consequence for your daughter if she doesn't come home when told. Explain this to her using very clear, simple language, and write out the rule plus consequence and stick it up in her room, the kitchen, etc.

 

Then if she breaks that rule, you must deliver the consequence...and keep on doing so until she 'gets' the message.

 

TBH, it's not really that different to dealing with any other child's behaviour, other than using very clear, simple language and backing that up with visual reminders. The consequence has to be something that matters to her, e.g. losing time on the computer or whatever.

 

Good luck

 

Bid

[smiley1590]

well as advise as i was like your daugther very hostile agressive and angry how bout an anger cooling down system with pictures alongside techniques of working through thoughts and feelings get ideas from docs pyschs etc if trust their word and advise they given so far! with working along side that maybe a anger plan and contract! that you both sign and agree to that before you both sign and make sure your daugther understands the terms of it and why you need to untake this! what about meds? or CBT have they been tried? what bout recording incidents of anger and seeing with professionals if you can unpick the triggers that set her off! may change of routine etc something that may upset her but she cant verbalise it into exact words! she may be frustrated and angry what bout her keeping a daily diary so she can write down anything in there that bothering her! hope you find these ideas useful! and maybe reading up on anger and AS your duagther may be isolated and depressed the anger shows through that! maybe joining a local support group in ypour area for parents that may have same questions as you and worries and concerns these may get answered with tips and advise from eachother!

[cactuslove]

Thank for the replies and advice. I will take it all on board but am sure will be able to cope bit better once she understands and we get a bit more help and advice. In meantime will continue to read through threads as I am finding these helpful at moment and any other advice in general that anyone wishes to leave will be gratefully accepted.

Thanks