Things are about to get nasty

[joybed]

Hi all as you know we have been having real problems with Marcus and his behaviour recently. His Nanna can see no wrong in him and believes the son shines from his backside. Well today marcus had a tantrum as he had broken his desk. DH removed it, Marcus was very concerned it was being disposed of. Dh did as he said and gort rid of it whilst marcus at school. He came home had a tantrum which scared the twins to death i sent him to his room. Came down hysterical saying his PS2 stearing wheel was broken it looks like it has been chewed through. He said Dh had done it and tried to ring his Nanna to tell what he had done. I removed the phone as I don,t need my mothers interference. He sent a text. My mother has got social services involved and is on her way to confront DH about how cruel he is to Marcus. DH has said she can no longer have access to any of the kids. DH and Marcus don,t get on and Marcus winds him up, at times DH says innapropriate things without putting his brain in gear and I stupidly have told my mother this. Mum and i don,t always see eye to eye and she once stopped talking to me for 3 years as did the rest of my family because I wouldn,t tow the line. I really don,t need this DH swears he did nothing to the wheel and why would he. I am on nights tonight and have Piers final assessment tomorrow to obtain his diagnosis. Can life get any worse.

[bid]

Oh no <'>

 

Bid <'>

[westie]

<'> <'> <'> <'>

Sorry to hear about this, not sure what to say but thinking of you and hope you get things sorted.

[JsMum]

Can life get any worse.

 

Hi, sos that things are not good, but maybe he is using the damaged ps2 wheel as a divertion so you dont focus on the fact he has damaged your property, J is made to pay for damages, as I feel that he has a lot of anger management tools and if he damages property then he pays for it out of his Pocket money.

 

Maybe marcus doesnt want you focusing on a consequence for the damage he caused, and has manipulated the situation and diverted the attention on your husband.

 

I hope that the assessment goes ok tomorrow too, and maybe this is effecting marcus too.

 

Anyway hope that things can get resolved, it cant be easy, a word of warning also dont say the sentence can it get any worse, I ve learnt it can.....

 

so try as hard as it may be to be positive.

JsMumxx

 

[Enid]

<'> <'>

 

Good point from J`s mum re Marcus`s diversion tactics. you have been keeping a diary/blog, so you will be able to show that to SS if they do get involved and your posts on here, not one of us who have lads of a similar age are in any doubt of what you are going through, its just that people who havnt really dont understand, keep strong and remember you are doing the best you can. <'> <'> <'> Enid

[cmuir]

Hi

 

Life with a child on the spectrum is full of peaks and troughs and sometimes it feels like never-ending troughs!

 

Just because DH sometimes says things without putting his brain in gear (like my husband), doesn't make him a bad man. In actual fact, disposing of the desk was no bad thing - it's teaching kiddo that there are consequences. Kiddo is clearly intelligent as he's trying to push buttoms where his nan is concerned and by the sound of it, is making a good job. Give them all a bit of time and see if the heat comes out of the situation.

 

Take care.

 

Caroline.

[Kazzen161]

Your son may be meaning that it is dhs fault, because dh made him so angry he chewed the wheel. In his eyes he may see this as dh "doing it".

 

 

[shaz71]

Your son may be meaning that it is dhs fault, because dh made him so angry he chewed the wheel. In his eyes he may see this as dh "doing it".

 

 

Hi i agree with this statement sometimes what people say in just one sentence can be totally mistook but when explained thouroughly later when everyone calms down it turns out to be a totally different reason, your mum should be supportive not adding to your problems. Hope everything went ok at the assessment? Sharon x

[Sally44]

I have heard of a behavioural system called 1-2-3 magic which is supposed to have good results. But i've not used it, just heard others talking about it. It involves a token reward system, but I think it also involves negotiating compliance rather than 'just do it because I said so'.

In general I don't get behavioural problems with my son. But when he does have a real hysterical tantrum there have been times when I know that I have added to it, because I know that I should use a time out tactic as soon as I see that he is struggling to comply. And he might be struggling because I have asked him to leave a game unfinished, or turn off the TV in the middle of a programme, or I am asking him to make a choice and he can't etc. And sometimes, just sometimes I get so frustrated with it all and I just push him to do it right away, or make a decision NOW - because sometimes life is like that and you have to do what you have to do there and then.

Anyway, it never works, it always escalates with tears and self loathing afterwards (on my son's part), and guilt on my part because I do know better.

So, on a good day, if I ask him to do something and he refuses or is struggling, I negotiate ie. clear all your toys away after Chuckle Brothers. Then after that programme I turn off the TV and he does it. Or if he gets really upset he goes to his room to calm down - but not as a punishment - as a time out strategy.

But generally, I think mums handle things much better than dads anyway. Your husband might feel that your son is threatening his authority, and your husband might need to try a different approach.

As for mums - I never complain to my mum about my husband. To my friends, yes. But not within the family, it always comes back to bite you!

[bikemad]

<'>

[joybed]

Thanks all for your words of support. We havn,t heard a thing from social services so this was her being manipulative again. Mum and Dad came round and said lots of hurtful things that we couldn,t cope, were mistreating the children etc etc. Dh was very calm but pointed out that she didn,t help us by giving into Ms every whim and that she herself said things that could be classed as emotional abuse she denied she had ever said anything hurtful or nasty to any of us and my Dad backed her up as usual. She twisted things, tried to make it look like i had been bad mouthing DH and tried to turn M against us. We were very calm but stuck to our guns. She suggetsed we give her custody of Marcus and of course we refused (this is the ultimate aim of all her tactics, she can control M). I know i sound bitter but i have spent the last 37 years being told i am no good by this woman and i am not allowing her to do it to my children. Last night M went to stay with her the twins wanted to see her too, she spent all night ignoring me and filled the kids full of the sort of things she knows i don,t like them to have. As we left I kissed my Dad and went to walk towards her she told me to not bother kissing her turned and walked into the house without saying goodbye to the twins. They were calling her and she totally ignored them, they cried most of the way home. I am sick of her childish behaviour and DH and I are considering moving away to north Wales (a place we really love). M was pretending to be ill and she was being over the top with him mopping his brow etc and put him to bed with a hot water bottle. As he was walking away he smiled at me. I feel she is trying to turn him against me but the backlash of not letting him see them is too much. She would take us to court, she would turn M and the rest of my family against me as she has done before. Also life with M would be unbearable as he really would miss her. I also become really weak and feel out of control when my Mum is around she makes me feel like a little girl seeking approval. I also have a deep seated fear of being dissaproved of and hate any kind of conflict.

As for Piers assessment the consultant agreed he had some autistic tendencies but says the fact he wants to have friends (even though he goes about making them in an odd way and becomes totally obsessed with his friends)and responds to praise confuses the issue, he can,t possibly have ASD and enjoy attention as well. We are waiting on a specialist SALT assessment and then we will meet again. I doubt very much we will get a diagnosis from her but will keep going. On a positive note though his teacher who was of sick dragged herself from her bed to come to the assessment and was very supportive and backed us all the way, she asked what she could do in class to help him so at least she is keen.

Sorry for the rant but feel a bit despondent at the moment and can,t see that life will ever get any easier. Thanks for being their as ever.

[Enid]

Really really sad that your Mum is treating you like this, she should be supporting you, funny how our mums make us feel 10 years old again isnt it. Your DH sounds like he is keeping it together and staying calm and showing a united front. good luck to you all and keep strong, it will all work out in the end. hugs Enid

[Kathryn]

Horrible situation Joybed, from the very people who should be supporting you. It would be a good idea to move away from such a destructive influence for the sake of your family but you obviously have to consider M's needs. Well done to you and DH for remaining so mature and calm in the face of such behaviour.

 

K x