So so confused. Can anything ever just be easy?

[skye]

Well I spent hours upon hours researching home education and had pretty much made up my mind. I was giving away stuff from the spare room to set up a kind of cool study informal classroomy type thing and then little things keep happening putting doubts in my mind. This morning when I dropped Lib off at school a girl from her class came up and told me she was Lib's friend. That is honestly the first time a kid has come up and not said something more like Libby's always naughty or Lib tells me off or nips people or doesn't do what the teacher says and on and on. Then it occurs to me. She would never have the chance to form this friendship if I were home educating. I know we could socialize in other ways, but here was an NT child in Lib's class who must know all too well what Lib is like and she still wants to be friends with her, for the moment at least. Also, the main problems at the moment are to do with social time. As she gets older she will be expected to do more work, which she likes and less play which causes a big majority of the problems.

The SENCO rang today. She is very clued up and a great person, however she is also a full time teacher who has been allotted 3 hours per week to focus on the 28 kids in the school with SEN. She said today 2 of those hours were just spent on Lib. Which brings me back to the negative points about school.

I know I posted a gung ho topic about "homeschooling" but I would really like to honestly have more people's opinions on this topic. Have people found that their children have gotten better as time went on from Reception up until now? or do people feel like there are always struggles? I am just like every single other parent on this forum and in the world. I want the best for my child. I don't want to wrap her in cotton wool but I don't want her to suffer and feel alienated and alone either. Comments welcome!? Skye

[Diane]

Hi Skye,

 

Home schooling is something i considered briefly for my DS but I decided against it as I was concerned about the lack of social interaction my son would have. It has been the journey from hell but he is now in a PRU that deals with children specifically on the spectrum, but it is only for years 10 and 11. I know I made the right decision for my DS son as school is his only social scene and the only time he leaves the house. If it were not for school he really would have no life outside of home as he is a recluse.

 

Home schooling is a very personal choice and I know that it works well for some and there are a people on this sight who home school successfully.

 

I think it is one of those horrid situations where only you can make the decision that is right for you. Not much help I know.

 

Good luck with which ever option you go with either choice has its ups and downs.

 

 

[skye]

Thanks Diane.

[Karen A]

Hi.Ben is in year 6 now.

We have struggled for the whole of his time in primary school.It has been a full time job.It has been hard work and at times very frustrating.

However he now has friends who visit and he goes to their houses.He is managing better socially than he has ever done.

Ben is fortunate that he has some very supportive friends.I have to all but tape up my lips sometimes because he can be utterly tactless. However he certainly has friends.

I am very confidant today and have to admit that I do not know how transition to secondary school will work out.

However with an excellent SENCO [who also only works in the school one day a week] and a very good teacher things are currently going very well.Karen.

[oxgirl]

I know I posted a gung ho topic about "homeschooling" but I would really like to honestly have more people's opinions on this topic. Have people found that their children have gotten better as time went on from Reception up until now? or do people feel like there are always struggles?

 

The trouble is, I suppose, that school AND home educating have their own struggles. I home educated for two years, we felt that our lad just wasn't coping with school so we took him out. Home ed. had a lot to offer but it also had a lot of downsides too. Looking back on it, I can see that we were desperate and backed into a corner and didn't feel we had any other choices. We tried socliazing at Education Otherwise events but he never made any relationships there, in the same way that he never did at school. Now he's back in education and he's doing really well academically, but still hasn't any friends, so I don't know what the answer is. All I can say is go with your gut feeling. Maybe make a list, pros and cons. My lad never had friends at school, EVER. In fact, he would shun other kids if they approached him in the playground, he'd tell them to go away. Having said that, they were wonderful with him, really caring, especially the girls and would fight each other to be the one chosen to help him, that meant a lot, but it wasn't friendship. If your little girl has a friend at school then that is worth it's weight in gold, it's also something she could build on and develop. Even now, I'd give anything for my lad to have a friend, if he'd had one friend at school I never would have taken him out.

 

~ Mel ~

[Mum of 3]

Hi Skye,

I think the style of learning in Reception is a bit of a double-edged sword for children with ASDs...they are expected to coose from a wide range of activities, which change regularly, and there is a constant buzz and noise going on, which is great for 'most' children, but not for those (NT as well as ASD!) who need quiet, calm, order and routine.

Also, they are expected to have a great deal of self-motivation in order to access the full curriculum...This is something I was discussing with G's teacher last week. I pointed out to her that although G has the opportunity to paint, draw, model, write, etc every day, he never chooses to do these things, and he never has, so all the time he has been in Nursery (Iwent back to work full-time when he was 11 months old) or at school he has not been practicing these skills that are so vital for him to develop fine motor skills!

I've brought this up at every parent's evening with Nursery, pre-school and now school, and they've all always said 'but we have a 'choosing' system in the Early Years, we don't tell them what to do'. It's only now that I'm more on the ball with all this that I realise my instinct was right all along...it might be good for the majority of pupils to have free choice, but G needs more structure and possibly so does Lib.

I'm sure that the structure as he moves up through school will help G, but that might be a double-edged sword as well, as he will be forced to sit and do things he doesn't like, which will bring it's own problems!

School will always have good and bad points, as will home-schooling. Only you can decide what's best for you and Lib. But have you given school a fair crack of the whip?

 

[Diane]

I'd give anything for my lad to have a friend, if he'd had one friend at school I never would have taken him out.

 

~ Mel ~

 

Hi Mel

 

I know that feeling well.

 

My DS did not have a friend until year 10 (even though my DS was only there once a blue moon)and then one lovely lad decided not to give up on my DS. I love this boy he is wonderful and understanding and has a maturity beyond his years.Even though my DS left mainstream 3 months into year 10 this lad has made a huge effort to keep in touch. So even though my DS does not return his calls and refuses to meet with him it has some how survived in an odd sort of way.

 

My wish for you and your lad is that one day a friend will appear. You won't be expecting it as I certainly was not.

 

<'> ><

[oxgirl]

Thanks Diane.

 

~ Mel ~

[Mum of 3]

Sorry to go on and on, Skye, but I really feel we're in similar places right now...

I've been thinking about Lib not having any friends, and then this little girl saying she's Lib's friend today...I think this is really encouraging. Children at this age are very fickle in their friendships- they say they are 'friends' with anyone who they played with on that day! So it stands to reason that a girl who finds it hard to play with others will not hear others saying she's their 'friend'. It doesn't necessarily mean that the other girls are being unfriendly.

I have a friend with a little girl who uses a wheelchair, and when she was in Reception she had no 'friends', because she was always being cared for by an adult, so the other girls simply didn't see her as 'one of them'. Unfortunately, the parents were a bit like this as well-they probably didn't know how to make overtures, as this family always seem to be surrounded by equipment, professionnal support, etc. Anyway, my friend realised she would have to make the first move, and started inviting other girls round for tea. She actually talked to the teacher first, and asked which girls might make good friends for he DD, then worked her way down the list. The ones with Mums she got on with have become good friends with her DD, and she's made new friends, too.

It sounds like this little girl wants to be friends with Lib, and has seen the good points about her ( <'> ), so why not give it a go, and invite the girl to tea (say she can bring her mum if sge wants!)...make sure there's something lovely to do, that Lib can cope with, and that won't matter if you end up doing it with the little girl on her own while Lib does her own thing ( )...you could get some buns and ice them, then decorate them with sprinkles, or maybe make some bead bracelets or something, so this little girl will go back to school and tell the others what a cool time she had. They'll be queuing up to visit after that! And even if they're not, you might have made the one friendship for Lib that she needs to make school a happy place to go!

[frogslegs]

As said in a previous post, we did briefly considered home education when my son was 7 which was when things were at their worst. I backed off because I could not image being with my son (who I love dearly) 100% of the time. We really needed some time apart for me to be able to cope. Plus my view was that homeschooling would be keeping him away from other children and I was hoping that he would learn some degree of social skills. I wanted him to be independent and him being at home would I think have limited this. In some ways I think it would have reinforced the message that he was different and not acceptable to be mixed with other children. We also considered for him to go to a village school with less children and I visited a couple but I was not certain that it would be right for him and felt that we would be transferring his problems rather than 'overcome' them.

We chose to work closely with the school and put a programme in place to support him with friendship circles, relaxation, movement gym. It is not perfect but now that he is older things are on the whole easier to manage. He has three or four friends, all SEN and that's enough. He is doing very well at school, but socialisation is still difficult with bullying going on occasionnally. He is in year 5 and is a bit anxious about going to secondary (and so am I) but he comes across as confident and happy. He accepts himself as different and is working on his social skills. He actually likes people and is really curious about them, he just does not know how to interact with them. In hindsight, I do believe that he has benefitted from staying at school and he has learnt about people good and bad and coping mechanism. He is not always a victim!

 

[sassyj]

Hi,

I have home educated all three of mine at some point over the last 6 yrs.

My daughter was a breeze to home ed, she loved learning and reading and creating so she was so easy. She is now nearly 18 and has been in college for 2 yrs and is happy (she had a breakdown at secondary school, she couldnt cope with all the changes)

My eldest son has been HE for the last yr and was brilliant for the first 6 months but is now a teenager and has no motivation and uses his younger bruv as any excuse to not do any work.

My youngest (ASD and Tourettes) has also been HE for the last yr due to the fact that the school couldnt cope with his needs, we have finally got him a statement and he is due to start a specialist school next week. During the last yr it has been a total nightmare to home educate the two boys, as there are so many distractions at home even the post gives them a reason to skip off and of course the phone ringing doesnt help.

As for the socialising, that hasnt been too much of a problem as we have a very large family who visit often, but aside from that the only one that has managed to maintain a friendship is the youngest strangely and I think that is because I instigate it and his friend is very understanding with a brother of his own that has similar problems.

I think it is a very individual choice and depends on the child and the parent, I have to say, I felt exhausted having them with me 24/7 but would do it for any of them if I felt it benefitted them.

I'm hoping that when my youngest goes to school my eldest son will relax a bit more and get his motivation back.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do, as parents we are always blaming ourselves and feeling guilty for the way we have done things but truly you must be a very caring parent to be agonising over this decision.

 

Sarah

[Sally44]

Hi Skye,

I think the style of learning in Reception is a bit of a double-edged sword for children with ASDs...they are expected to coose from a wide range of activities, which change regularly, and there is a constant buzz and noise going on, which is great for 'most' children, but not for those (NT as well as ASD!) who need quiet, calm, order and routine.

Also, they are expected to have a great deal of self-motivation in order to access the full curriculum...This is something I was discussing with G's teacher last week. I pointed out to her that although G has the opportunity to paint, draw, model, write, etc every day, he never chooses to do these things, and he never has, so all the time he has been in Nursery (Iwent back to work full-time when he was 11 months old) or at school he has not been practicing these skills that are so vital for him to develop fine motor skills!

I've brought this up at every parent's evening with Nursery, pre-school and now school, and they've all always said 'but we have a 'choosing' system in the Early Years, we don't tell them what to do'. It's only now that I'm more on the ball with all this that I realise my instinct was right all along...it might be good for the majority of pupils to have free choice, but G needs more structure and possibly so does Lib.

I'm sure that the structure as he moves up through school will help G, but that might be a double-edged sword as well, as he will be forced to sit and do things he doesn't like, which will bring it's own problems!

School will always have good and bad points, as will home-schooling. Only you can decide what's best for you and Lib. But have you given school a fair crack of the whip?

 

That was exactly my experience of primary. My son was in a huge classroom (which was actually 2 classrooms divided by a fabric curtain), with different activities on each table, and the children had to move from table to table. My son had not got a clue what he should be doing. His understanding of speech was very severe at that stage. He was banging his head on the table and wall, scratching his face, hiding under the table, hitting and biting other children. He learnt very little at that school.

I considered everything, even buying a camper van and travelling the world and forgetting school for ever!!

We finally got a Statement, which involved going to Tribunal for the right level of support and for a different mainstream and SEN placement.

I also had doubts at that change because he did have friends by the end of year 2. And they were good friends to him. He didn't have the social skills to reciprocate, but he is fortunate in having 'something' about him that there is always at least one good NT friend (usually a bossy girl!). So I really struggled with the move. It also meant separating him from his sibling.

But he has been in his new school since September and has made new friends. But more importantly he has made so much more progress academically and socially. He gets alot of input from Speech Therapy which has made a real difference.

I think every placement, whether in school or at home as pros and cons. Why are you thinking of homeschooling. Is it because you don't have a satisfactory placement?

I too am not a believer in 'inclusion' for inclusions sake. I think there is a real need for HFA and AS only schools where the children are not constantly under pressure to conform to the NT way of doing things. Afterall when he leaves school he won't be forced into those types of environments and will choose to socialise and work in environments that suit him - which is what we all do anyway.

Don't place too much emphasis on any one point. This one NT 'friend' may be friends with someone else in a week. And all children can be like that. Teaching your child how to be a good friend and how to recognise who is a friend to them is something more important. Is there a school capable of teaching these types of things.

And remember that nothing you do is written in stone. If you try it and it doesn't work then you can go back.

On another forums (a worldwide one) I posted the question asking what peoples experience was of school. Everyone posted back that it was horrendous. Only the homeschooled ones had good experiences. Having said that. I feel that my son, at the moment, is doing okay in his current placement. By secondary age that may be completely different.

 

[skye]

WOW. Thanks to everyone for all of their insightful replies! I spoke to the SENCO yesterday who sounded very positive about Lib staying at school. Although in the same breath she explained how Libby had a screaming kicking meltdown right next to the testing room while children were trying to do some tests. OOPs. The SENCO will actually be Lib's teacher next year and I really do trust her to let me know if it isn't working out. She also agreed that Lib's current teacher and her do not mix well as he is very loud, (Lib says he shouts all the time) and super sarcastic (calls all the girls lads to get a chuckle at which point she throws self on ground crying that she is a girl for the 100th time this year!) Neither one of them get it.

They have mentioned part time for the final few weeks of this year which may be helpful and I am willing to see how it goes. I don't think yesterday that I explained myself correctly about this "friend" of Lib's. As soon as she said Lib was her friend, Lib proceeded to try to control every single aspect of playing with the russian doll the girl was hoping to get a play with, practically holding the girls hands and placing them on the doll to put it back together the exact way Lib thought it should go. The girl was frustrated and maybe isn't really Lib's friend for long. It was more of the idea that I would possibly hinder and future possiblity of potential friendships for her.

Also when her dad picks her up from school and once when I did all of the older kids in the school all say hi to her. Really loudly and hi to me too. I don't understand why? I don't know if they are all being genuine or if it is some game? If they are being genuine then possibly another reason for her to stay because older children at the small school seem to want to be friendly with her and are a little more tolerant of her behaviour. They think she is really funny. I know she is really funny and clever and tends to interupt the assembly everyday, maybe they think it's cool or something.?! Hmph. Well I guess that trying to go to school next year can't hurt anymore but if things get any worse I will be happy to yank her outta there for good or see what other provisions are available to us. The SENCO said she did think we needed to bring someone else in once the statement came through.

[Sally44]

When you receive the Proposed Statement, get a copy sent to the NAS or IPSEA for them to check it is specific enough in terms of hours of support needed and in terms of staffing arrangements to achieve that. Also download a copy of the Code of Practice onto your computer so that you can look through it, or you can have a copy sent to you via the post for free.

[Mum of 3]

Also when her dad picks her up from school and once when I did all of the older kids in the school all say hi to her. Really loudly and hi to me too. I don't understand why? I don't know if they are all being genuine or if it is some game? If they are being genuine then possibly another reason for her to stay because older children at the small school seem to want to be friendly with her and are a little more tolerant of her behaviour. They think she is really funny. I know she is really funny and clever and tends to interupt the assembly everyday, maybe they think it's cool or something.?!

 

Skye, the older lads at G's school are just the same. I think they are genuinely wanting to be friendly towards us, and they have said that they think G is 'cool'. .

I think that older children in school often want to 'look after' the younger children. When I was teaching Y6, I used to have lots of success getting my 'naughty' boys to behave by sending them to 'buddy' children in the Nursery. It gave them a huge boost to their self-esteem.

If I were you, I'd take it at face-value and be pleased about it. Could you ask the Senco if some of these children could be asked to befriend Lib? They might have heard of 'Circle of Friends', which is a programme that might be good for you, where the older children are supported in befriending a child who needs friends. They have regular meetings with an adult where they plan activities, talk about how the child is getting on, etc. It can work very well.

[connieruff]

Skye,

I'm in a similar position to you, I'm looking for another school, and if I cant find one then I will have to think long and hard about HE.

also the school my son is at at the moment is trying to squeeze me out. I

 

You saying some children say Hi in a loud voice and that one of the little girls says she wants to be friends with your little girl? That rung a bell, as a few months ago one of the boys said to me' I want Toby to come to my party' and I thought wow things are looking up! Little did I know that this little boy was the main culprit in the sustained bullying that my son was having to endure.

 

I think it was guilt that made him say it to me, also make sure the other kids dont get their entertainment from your daughter getting meltdowns - whch was happening to my son, they were encouraging him to do and say things and the meltdowns were the result of the bullying. Why is she having meltdowns? To me that suggests that she has become very upset and stressed? Why? What has happened?

 

I think during the summer holidays you need to try out the home schooling yourself, see how easy she is to teach, how does she respond? Do you enjoy it - or do you not enjoy it? Is he happier during the summer holidays?

Look at other schools, which specialise in ASD. A mainstream school may have the best teachers in the world but the parents and the other children can be the problem. And if the teachers are not good either...

 

Perhaps someone can answer this - when you get the statement, does that mean that you get some extra help if you HE?

Anyway good luck Cx

 

 

[chris54]

Perhaps someone can answer this - when you get the statement, does that mean that you get some extra help if you HE?

Anyway good luck Cx

The simple answer to this question is no.

 

I know that I would not be able to home educate my son, it would just not work, just getting him to do 5 minuets home work leaves me exhausted. And I need a break from him I know it sounds horrible but being with him 24/7 (School holidays, weekends) just wares me down. My wife, his mother does not have the patience.

 

As for friends the only contact he has with other children and I mean ONLY, is at school where he has one special 'friend' a girl in his class. Lots of children seem to know him but he does not acknowledge there presents when away from school.

 

But I know that home educating work well for a lot of people so I wont knock it.

[Karen A]

Perhaps someone can answer this - when you get the statement, does that mean that you get some extra help if you HE?

Anyway good luck Cx

 

Hi.I have no personal experience and am only going on what others here have said.I think that once people decide to home educate most LAs consider that parents have opted out of the system.So they may maintain the Statement however they are unlikely to be interested in providing support.Any support that is provided by the NHS such as OT or CAMHS input would continue.However there is unlikely to be access to support normally provided through school.Karen.

 

[Karen A]

Perhaps someone can answer this - when you get the statement, does that mean that you get some extra help if you HE?

Anyway good luck Cx

 

This link might be useful for more information.

http://www.asd-forum.org.uk/forum/index.php?showtopic=20380

Karen.

 

[skye]

One step forward. Two steps back. After over 6 months of no real violence toward any other children, today Lib has severly bitten one child and bit and nipped another child! She just said she did it so that she would not have to go to school anymore. The teacher told her that she cannot continue to go to that school if she hurts other children so she did it twice more to try and make sure she didn't have to go back. I am so so angry and upset and confused about what to do. I want to set up my own school for kids with ASD's and send her there. It's just not fair!!

[frazzled]

Hi. My HFA daughter is 6 and I have homeschooled her for the past year. Unlike some of your other replies, we have no choice of school here in our small isolated community and I had tried all through Reception year to get some changes that could have made things better.

 

It was only after we withdrew her from school (Year 1) that we realised just how bad things had been. When school stopped so did all the anger, withdrawal from us, crying etc etc. What also stopped was the massive strain on a daily basis that I had to go through, taking her to school and listening to all the grief from teachers and also the numerous meetings there.

 

I am not the most patient mother, but I have found that my daughter will work for me and works well. She has stated that she never wants to go back to school and wants to do homeschool with mummy.

 

She has made enormous progress with her speech while at home (no being told to keep quiet or the sensory distractions of a busy classroom), and is also working at the correct level (or even above!!) for her age on all subjects.

 

She has become more social since leaving school, not less, and is happy to mix with a range of ages I think because she is happier and relaxed in herself. At school she was lost in a crowd and suffered bullying. I remember saying to her headteacher that just because I sat on a bus with thirty other people didn't mean I was socialising with them and that is the extent of the socialising she got at school. Now, although she still does not have close friends in the way that other children do, there is something that we do everyday that brings her into contact with others her age - swimming lessons, after school activities, Rainbows.

 

In support of homeschooling I offer a couple of quotes. First from my daughters old teacher "We let her down really badly at school" and second from the deputy head (unofficially!) "She is getting a superb education and much better than we could give her at school".

 

I just wish I had taken this step sooner. They are only little once, and they should not be spending most of the day in misery at school.

[skye]

Frazzled, Thanks very much for this reply. It is something that I a totally believe and I am trying to figure out a way to do this myself. Lib has been in more trouble at school. I think I am going to post another topic about them moving her to part time, but she is only at school for 3 half days a week right now so I am going to use the extra time to homeschool and see how we get on. Thanks for your encouraging words about home school.