Mumble Report post Posted March 25, 2010 Hmm, wonder if someone can explain this one to me. I know it's a bit of an odd thing to be asking at my age (you'd have thought I would have got it by now ) but I've been questioning it and the more I've been questioning it, the more confused I've got. What does "I'm sorry" mean? Let me explain a little more. I understand the use of saying "I'm sorry" when you accidentally bump into someone, trip someone up, do/say something that hurts someone. You're apologising for something you have done. What I don't get is when people say "I'm sorry" when something is nothing to do with them and not their fault. For instance, someone recently said to me that's they're sorry for something I'm currently going through - yet my issues aren't caused by them and they have no influence on them. Similarly, I've seen a lot of people saying "I'm sorry" when someone tells them that Great Aunty Ethel has died, yet they didn't kill Great Aunty Ethel, so what do they have to be sorry for? Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
JsMum Report post Posted March 25, 2010 For me its when I recongise their pain or anguish and Im sorry they feel like that, even though Im not having any direct cause or blame its just something I say because Im really sorry they feel that way or that their sad, or Im sorry your grandma died, maybe it should be worded differenly. I think the saying sorry if you have bumped into someone and its no ones fault its just a way of saying to the person I know you didnt mean to push me, or walk in my way and we dont want a confrontation about it, it sort of defuses the situation and reconsilidates both parties. I will be thinking more of how I use the word sorry. JsMumxx Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
caci Report post Posted March 25, 2010 My son thinks along the same lines about Rememberance Day. He says he can't "remember" anyone involved in wars as he didn't know them. Maybe, we should rethink when and how we use the word sorry too. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
KezT Report post Posted March 25, 2010 They are saying that they feel sorry for you having to go through that/feel that way - it's not apologising but empathising:) Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Tally Report post Posted March 25, 2010 I think it's a way of saying, "I feel for you," or, "I wish it didn't happen." Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
baranigirl Report post Posted March 25, 2010 as someone said its empathising xx Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Juno20 Report post Posted March 26, 2010 I know what you mean Mumble, sorry is a strange word. When used in the context of someone dying or you having a bad time it just means they are sad for you and wish it wasn't the case. I find it really hard to appologise unless i really mean it. I was walking down the road a few weeks ago and some people who were coming the other way bumped into the bag i was holding and i didnt say anything, partly because i didnt expect it. My boyfriend then appologised which i found odd as he handn't bumped anyone, and then he told me off for not saying sorry. I was really cross as I hadnt meant to do it and if anthing they bumped into me. It caused a big row as he thought i was being rude when i really didnt mean to come accross as rude, just didnt have time to even consider saying sorry. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Shnoing Report post Posted March 26, 2010 (edited) Two thoughts: Saying "I'm sorry" is a convention which is to some extent analyzed in Kate Fox: "Watching the English". Recently i watched "Adam - the movie" and there, Beth tells Adam "I'm sorry" after he tells her his father had died recently. Edited March 26, 2010 by Shnoing Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Mumble Report post Posted March 26, 2010 They are saying that they feel sorry for you having to go through that/feel that way - it's not apologising but empathising:) What would be the correct (expected NT) response to this use of I'm sorry? With the bumping into someone use, I'm sorry is usually followed with 'that's OK' but what about this other case? I always feel really awkward because I'm thinking, well why are you sorry, and I haven't a clue what to say in response. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Shnoing Report post Posted March 26, 2010 What would be the correct (expected NT) response to this use of I'm sorry? "Thank you?" (Not sure, though) Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
justine1 Report post Posted March 26, 2010 "Thank you?" (Not sure, though) Yes I usually say thank you if someone offers a sympatheitic sorry.I know lots of NT people who sometimes say "its not your fault" if I say sorry for something so prehaps I also dont know when to say it or they dont know when to just accept it Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
JsMum Report post Posted March 26, 2010 Guess what, I said Im Sorry today in Town Lol so funny when we where talking about this last night! I was walking with a bulky bag, I was trying not to catch anyone the problem is I was in a dress store and was blown over by the amazing prices slashed throw the sale, so I wasnt fully concentrating, but then so was another lady and the next thing, BANG, I thought oh no she is gonna beat me up, but she didnt. we both looked surprised and then both of us said immediatly, Im Sorry to each other, she then said, no Im sorry it was my fault, I said I think it was mine too, we spent the next five mins saying sorry to each other LOL. JsMumxx Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
pearl Report post Posted March 26, 2010 I love my husband. And I also love jaffa cakes. (But which is better? .....) Same word, different meanings. It's the same with 'sorry'. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Sammysnake Report post Posted March 26, 2010 I've sometimes explained 'sorry' to my daughter as being a bit of a magic word which can make other people feel better or happier with the person saying it. If I've done something wrong or made a mistake I say 'sorry' to mean - "I didn't intend to harm or upset you and wish that I hadn't done that thing." If someone has had bad news I say I'm sorry to mean "I am sad for you that you feel bad and wish that you didn't". If something has happened accidentally and someone has been upset then I say sorry because it immediately makes them feel better. It doesn't harm me to say it and it makes them happier. It does not mean I am admitting fault. I had this discussion a couple of weeks ago when it kicked off in school. I was working with a group outside my daughter's class and had to try to sit really quietly keeping out of what was happening whilst another adult dealt with it. Lad with AS and anger issues is very upset after playtime, apparantly my daughter had accidentally trodden on his coat but didn't realise it. TA knows that if said lad hears the word 'sorry' it will help him to calm down and be able to go into his lesson without a massive kick off. Seeing an easy solution to the issue she calls my daughter out of class, explains she is not in trouble but H is upset about his coat and will she say sorry even though it was an accident. Well, problem with this little scenario is my daughter also has AS (diagnosed a few weeks after this incident) and has BIG problems with the word sorry. If B wasn't so upset it would have been a comedy sketch. She skitzed - her voice going higher and louder crying - "I don't understand, I didn't do anything wrong, why do I have to say sorry?". TA is now losing control of both of them - one getting more angry, the other crying hysterically, my large group of Year 3s looking on and me sitting still as a statue fighting to keep out of it whilst it's happening two feet away from me. I can't even remember how it was resolved (I was really stressed by this time) but it ruined my daughter's day for her and really upset the TA as she knew how much she had stressed B and myself. We had a good chat afterwards and I explained to her how much B struggles with that word. Fortunately as I had witnessed the event I was also able to speak to B about it a few days later and without referring to the actual incident (she gets really upset returning to the distress she felt at the time if we talk about specific incidences). A simple word which can heal or harm.... Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Tally Report post Posted March 26, 2010 I suppose if someone is saying, "I'm sorry," because they are trying to make you feel better then, "thank you" would be a sensible reply. I think it's something people say when there is nothing they can actually do to help, and are trying to express empathy or sympathy, so saying, "thank you" could make them feel like they have said something helpful. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
zenemu Report post Posted March 29, 2010 (edited) It isn't something I relate to either really, but I suppose it is a polite way of saying "I empathise with you and I understand what it is you are feeling". Edited March 29, 2010 by zenemu Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Kathryn Report post Posted March 29, 2010 I agree with everything that's been said - the word "sorry" can have different meanings in different contexts and "I apologise" is only one of those. I think it's a word we Brits overuse - I've sometimes caught myself saying "sorry" as a reflex when someone bumps into me! And two more for you, Mumble, we often use sorry to mean "excuse me" when we want to get through a crowd of people, or sorry? (with rising inflection) to mean"can you repeat that?" when we haven't heard what someone's said. As the great Elton John once sang: "sorry" seems to be the hardest word.... K x Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Mumble Report post Posted March 29, 2010 we often use sorry to mean "excuse me" when we want to get through a crowd of people Someone sort of did this with me today, saying sorry as they shoved me out of the way and I got their (hard) bag in my face as they tried to get through a crowd at the tube station in rush hour to get on a train that was already full. I wasn't impressed and said 'no you're not' (well they clearly weren't). Good thing they didn't hear, else it may have been more than the bag I had in my face. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Shnoing Report post Posted March 30, 2010 ... I've sometimes caught myself saying "sorry" as a reflex when someone bumps into me! ... Haha, that's what Kate Fox tested for her book "Watching the English": She bumped into people on purpose and guess what? Almost all of them said "I'm sorry". Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
hedders Report post Posted March 31, 2010 I'm Sorry = Manners is my interpertaion My mum always went on about manners when i was growing up, i always use the terms, please, thankyou, sorry even when i don't need too. If someone i know has had some bad news, i feel uncomfortable saying I'm sorry yet if a stranger bumps into me I'm the one who say's sorry. I use this term when i encounter a situation i'm unsure about and dont want any friction. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Kathryn Report post Posted March 31, 2010 Thankyou for this thread - I'm teaching English to some non -native speakers next week and it's given me some useful material! K x Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Karen A Report post Posted April 1, 2010 Mumble I am sorry but I am about to express a view that has far more to do with me than anything in this thread. There are some people who feel that anything that happens is their fault. So those people apologise for everything whether it involves them or not or whether it is something they could ever have been expected to do anything about.At least they will have covered themself. Other people which may include inlaws have every reason to say ''I'm sorry'' but cannot believe that anything could ever be their fault. This thread reminds me of the driver we came across on holiday last summer. Driver ''Thankyou'' Me... looking across and not aware that in parking in the next row I had blocked other driver in some time before .....thinking so nice of him to thank me . Driver ''******* idiot'' I did not say sorry and my family still remind me regularly. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
