Terrible day

[Paula]

Why are the easter holidays so long..............

 

Its already staerting to drag me down im utterly fed up with it.

 

Then to top it all i made a mistake when buying my son his normal treat.............i pi9cked up m and ms instead of minstrals by mistake someone had put them back in the wrong place and i was in a rush and didnt notice.Sounds trivial but it was enough to send him flying into a rage and to cut a long story short i got a kick in the stomach for the mistake id made.It hurt........i just ended up on the floor in tears sobbing me heart out ............ i dont know what was worse the fact hed hurt me ,the fact ive had 16 years of this ######, or the fact he was utterly oblivious to my upset...........10 minutes after his outburst and rage he was carrying on as normal ............

 

 

I treid to say to him its wrong and why did you behave like that totally over the top but he was in denial and no apology was offered.

 

Im so fed up ive given 16 years to this lad to brining him up,all the sacrafices ive made so his life can be easier and for what to have someone who basically doesnt give a toss who appears to not care,who you sometimes think doesnt even know if youre there or care one jot about you youre a nothing to them.............Somedays i just want out..........but of course i cant ..........i love this paine in the backside aspie son...........so i plod on.

 

 

Years ago when he was around 7 i got to the point where i couldnt take no more and i took an overdose...........

 

id give anything in the world for him to be bloomeing normal.................i just want normality.

 

Sorry for moaning on...............i know he cant help any of it and i know to him the wrong chocalates were a big big deal............but sometimes you just want to scream...............

 

 

[KarenT]

Thinking of you, Paula <'> .

 

It gets so hard, doesn't it? And from time to time I think a lot of us do wonder what's the point, where's it all leading, can my child ever have a future (can you tell I've had a similar weekend here ?)

 

Episodes like the one you've described only remind us how fragile our kids are, that underneath all the progress there are still a lot of problems going on.

 

Keep on doing what you're doing - like you say, there is no other way. And check the chocolates next time

 

Karen

x

[purplehaze]

Hello, I just wanted to say-I know how hard things can be and I have also had days where I just want my son to have some empathy

 

It is so hard sometimes when your 16 year old son just doesn't seem to have any feelings for you-when I feel like this I try to think of the others things my son does for me to show he does care in his own way-he might play my favourite song while I'm in the bath-might be small to some but for me it means he is trying to make me happy!!

 

Try to think of the good times as the bad times might be hard and often but the day ends!!! I completely understand it is hard because sometimes all you think of are the horrible times particularly when thats all it seems to be!

 

Talk to us, write down the good days to remind you and try to take some time for you-if possible and remember scream if you want to scream!!!

 

Sometimes I put music on (only if my sons at his dads) and dance around jumping just to remind my self it's ok-I'm ok!!!!!!!

 

Thinking of you-take care-look after yourself-have you anyone to talk too or professional involved for support? <'> <'> <'>

[JsMum]

I know you love your son but he kicked you in the stomach hard because you had got the wrong chocolate! Im sorry but if that was me and J was 16 I would of prosecuted him for assault and I do love my son, he cant be seen to be behaving to this extream just because he recieved the wrong chocolates, he has to understand that violence will get him in serious trouble with the law, if he gets a girlfriend and she gets something wrong and he reacts like he did with you that would be classed as domestic abuse, I personally would of called the police, if he is destroying the home and seriously harming others at 16 I would have to consider wether or not he is safe enough to have in our home.

 

Just to reasure you my son can behave violently but he has consequences to those actions, if he did that to me at 16 I dont think he would remain in our home that is for sure.

 

JsMumxx

 

[Paula]

There are good times and thats why its easy to forget underneath it hes still the same.Im not makeing excuses for his behaviour but there are reasons behind the recent increase in outburst.hes leaving school this year its a big change has hes attended the school a special school since he was 5 and he doesnt want to leave.Were hopeing hell go to the local college and do a foundation lifeskill course in the special needs unit but hes aprehensive about going.Things are realy hard at the moment for him with big changes afoot.........i guess the right chocalates inforced ridgedley are his way of maintaining some sort of controll...............

 

 

 

[JeanneA]

I certainly understand how you must have felt. My son Glen has just turned 16 like you I've done for best for 16 years but I cannot help him anymore he needs professional, thats why I have to make a very big decision which is whether to send him away for this help. Not easy being a parent is it?

[baranigirl]

big huggles xxx

[Paula]

Its not easy for sure..............

 

 

Hes the picture of inocence today .

 

 

[cardiff_mum]

hi there. my son is nearly 5 and he hurts me the way your son hurts you. often over trivial things. i have recently read tony attwoods book aspergers syndrome a guide for parents and proffesionals. this book is excellant! it actually gives u ways of overcoming these common difficulties. im not sayin itll change everything but it might be worth a go?

i wish u n ur son all the best, it sounds as if u have a rough yr ahead with the changes uve said that will b happening. please dont give up, i have been there myself at those points where you jus dont think u can give any more but u and ur son will get there in the end

big hugs

ps my son has split my lip, blacked his nanas eye, punched n kicked every1 including his head master! but this book has helped (in a small way but still helped!) in helpin him understand y he cant do this

[oxgirl]

...............i know he cant help any of it and i know to him the wrong chocalates were a big big deal............but sometimes you just want to scream...............

 

Paul, I'm so sorry you've been hurt, but why are you making excuses for him??! He attacked you! What punishments have you put in place, did he actually get to keep the chocolate? I'm sorry if I sound harsh, but it sounds like you've just accepted this behaviour and are excusing it because he has a lot on. My lad is in the same position as yours, he's 16 too, leaving school in three weeks and is under extreme stress too, but there is NO WAY in hell he would get away with attacking me because I'd dared to buy him something nice and accidentally got it wrong. He has to learn to deal with disappointments and he has to learn that violence is unacceptable in ANY circumstances, please, don't just accept this as your lot.

Hope you're okay. <'>

 

~ Mel ~

[Mandapanda]

Hi Paula

 

I really feel for you. It's easy for people to say "I wouldn't stand for it" " he needs consequences", but I also know it is very hard when you feel you have already tried everything and nothing works and you still have to cope with this.

 

I find I don't want to make a situation worse, and I know many people would think I do the wrong thing, but I just do what I do to get through the day with us all intact and safe. I know it isn't just a case of him 'not liking those chocs', it is a question of control in his mind and to do with anxiety. That is not making excuses - that is the REASON. You can only do what you think is right for you and all your family. I don't think there are any easy answers in these situations - what works for one child/teen may not work for another.

 

Try and have some time away if at all possible. I find even just sitting for 10 mins somewhere peaceful helps (end of the garden / toilet?!).

 

Keep going. Thinking of you. <'> <'> <'>

[Sally44]

I know I would not put up with it. But that is because it doesn't happen. We are all different people. It isn't acceptable behaviour. But you already know that.

I was surprised when listening at a seminar by a woman called Olga Bogdashina that she admitted that 'sometimes' when she is out with her son, if he has a meltdown, she does become his punching bag because there is no-one else there to help and there is nothing else you can do at that time. It must be awful. And she is someone who is up there with Tony Attwood regarding ASD. She also said her son had a period of time when he would try to attack babies because he was afraid of the noise they 'might' make when they screamed or cried.

She also said that she doesn't stop going out with him because he needs to learn to cope in these situations.

But can anyone give you advice about what you can do next time? It is always wise to have a plan B and to know what to do if it happens again. And you also know that whatever decision you make it has to be consistent. And that might mean a deterioration in behaviour for some time until he accepts that - if he ever does.

Maybe next time he should get the chocolates??

 

[call me jaded]

It's tough, because punishment and consequences have no meaning sometimes and the behaviour does not stop. As you know, you have to find a way of living with it. It's such a shock when you have allowed your guard to drop and you get caught out with a curve-ball. Sending lots of positive vibes!

[Kathryn]

Personally I'd just not buy the chocolates anymore - natural consequences. He may not understand why, but at least you are removing the possibility of this particular scenario repeating itself.

 

I've never been used as a physical punchbag when things go wrong, but I've been a verbal one often enough, so I do sympathise. <'>

 

K x

[NobbyNobbs]

Sorry for moaning on...............i know he cant help any of it and i know to him the wrong chocalates were a big big deal............but sometimes you just want to scream...............

i'm sorry you're going through a tough time

 

i agree with kathryn. if he can't deal with the chocolate situation i'd remove it completely, particularly as violence over a bag of chocolates is unacceptable no matter how stressed you are. what will happen if one day the shop has sold out of m&ms? would he attack you over that? or if someone brings him the wrong food in a restaurant would he hurt them? i think he needs to get a clear message that violence is unacceptable and if nothing else he clearly cares about the chocolate so that may be the best way to deal with it.

 

i would also be wary of assuming that because he is not acknowledging anyone elses emotions he isn't aware of them at all. AS means we interpret things wrong, and can't tell which emotion people are feeling sometimes, but as far as i know it doesn't mean that we dont know that something is wrong.

[Paula]

Thanks for the advice and understanding.

 

I could never go to the police over my own son.

 

There is always a reason behind his outburst and thankgod they are few and far between.This year is going to be a toughy but weve had tough years before and coped.

[JsMum]

I could never go to the police over my own son.

 

 

I am afriad Ive had no other option but to call for assistance, he had a weapon and was dangerous, I dont like calling the police either, but when its about keeping yourself and them safe and others safe I have no option, If he punched a person in the street the same way your son punched you, it would be classed as an assault, you achknowledge his reactions as a reason and your suggesting your going to cope but what if he goes too far and you can not cope, he really needs urgent proffessional support, when I have resorted to calling the police as a last resort and though a couple of accations they where unhelpful and handful of them where very supportive and demanded to know where was our support and referred us on to social services, in meetings when I asked what do I do when J is violent they have said ring the police and asked them to put that in the minuets which they have done, I dont like having to have this as a plan of action but if a child is reacting in a violent and disruptive way you have to because it could go to far and just because there explosions are far and between it doesnt make it any easier to cope with because the psychological damage is actually long term so it doesnt matter how often it happens, if he is causing physical harm, damage to property and really out of control you have to still deal with it because the next time might be very different consequences.

 

JsMumxxx

Edited April 8, 2010 by JsMum

[merlin1]

I am so sorry to hear about that. My son is only 9 but has become very physical towards us in the past 8 months. I have been bruised and lashed at many times at home and in public so I can totally understand you. I admit too there are days when you think " I can't take any more" but I have other children and it is very difficult. I have tried different stategies but with no luck. He can be such a gem too and he can feel very sad about it. He sa id that he wishes he could go to sleep and wake up normal. It makes me so sad for him.

[Paula]

My son has started to say he wishes he was little againe ...................

 

It makes me sad too .

 

 

Jsmum i wasnt judgeing you for calling the police as parents we do what we feel is right at the time i dont envy you the position where you have to call the coppers not easy,i hope it never comes to that with my son.

[JsMum]

My son has started to say he wishes he was little againe ...................

 

It makes me sad too .

 

 

Jsmum i wasnt judgeing you for calling the police as parents we do what we feel is right at the time i dont envy you the position where you have to call the coppers not easy,i hope it never comes to that with my son.

 

J wishes he was little again, his social workers has called this the peter pan syndrome because as we grow older we face the realality of life, if your son was little he possibly wouldnt hurt you physically as much as he does now, I only recommend the police as a last resort, I dont like doing it either and I resisted in the summer holidays last year but his threats and aggression have become worse that I know I have no other option, I have discussed this situation with our local police sargent who reasures me that they will have Js best interest and to ensure everyone is safe, they dont want to visit us either but he has insisted that we must because the next time he could go too far.

 

That is why I insisted that you call the police, I dont want you to get hurt thats all, J is 13 and the same height as me at 16 he is a possible six footer, his dad is 6ft 3 so I have to call the police because I need to get him to stop been violent towards me now, in a few years time I wouldnt like to say what could happen if he continues to punch/kick ect....

 

I do understand Js reactions and that he has special needs but he can not use violence to deal with his frustrations because that will lead him into a lot of trouble that will lead to the law.

 

JsMumxxx

 

 

[Paula]

My son is normally placid natured............when he was yunger much younger he would have temper tantrums and be stubborn but hed rarely lash out............as he got older the tamptrums dissapeared as he gained more understanding and we learned his ways..then when he hit the teanage years hed do the usual stomping round and take himself to his bedroom and kick the bed and slam the door............normal stuff i guess his sister now 18 did the same thing.........hes never hurt me not in the big scheme of things hes lashed out to get me away from him or out of his room and if i havent moved fast enough then hes caught me with his foot as hes kicked yes hell front up to me and shout and i refuse to back down .........on occasions hell raise his fist and you can see the struggle in him as he tries to controll his rage...........but hes never punched me,hes lowered his fist to me face but stopped and not made contact.Thing is i stand theire and refuse to move because i feel if he thinks he can intimidate and scare me then hes won.So i refuse to budge untill i want to not because hes thretened me.Sometimes i realise i handle it wrong but hindsight is a wonderfull thing.

 

Youre son may be taller than his dad coz my sons dad is only 5ft 10 and im 5ft 6..............he toweres over his dad also.