Just found out I'm going to be a dad

[BFrench501]

I've been with my girlfriend for over 6 months now and I proposed to her early as a statement of intent that I wanted to be with her for the rest of my life. Luckily she accepted and all was good, until Wednesday just gone when she revealed that she was over 3 weeks pregnant.

 

Too much, too soon and I am totally scared. I've been as careful as can be protection wise and I've been unlucky. I despise children and their behaviour because it triggers my Aspergers something rotten, and I don't want to lose what has taken so much time to build up. So all in all I'm really scared and need some help.

 

I don't know where to start as things haven't really sunk in yet, so sorry if this is brief. But if anyone can ask me any prompting questions or anything I may think more about this. My girlfriend is a rock, but I need outside help as really she needs to depend on me as she's carrying the child, and not the other way round

 

I should be overjoyed, but my hearts turned to stone and I feel horrible because of it

[justine1]

Hi

This would be a normal reaction even for an NT person.Sometimes there is no "right time" for having kids and these things do "just happen." Three of my four boys were conceived using contraception(all different methods though!) The last two definatley came at the wrong time,one when I had lost my job and I was the higher earner and the other when I separated from my husband.

 

I dont think you should tell her you despise kids but maybe you can tell her how you feel,you never know she could be feeling equally overwhelmed and confused.So have a nice relaxing evening and ask her how she feels about it all and talk about the practicality of it all.Like what will happen when the baby comes,if she works will she give up work and for how long? Also prehaps talk about what fears you have about caring for a child.Just remember how you feel about other children is a world away from how you will feel when you hold your baby for the first time,trust me.I am not crazy on babies/kids but since I had my own I do feel I can interact much better with them.

 

You may need outside help to deal with the issues you have,preferrably before the baby comes.But you still got plenty of time to get used to the idea.

[Sally44]

Had you previously talked with your girlfriend about the fact that you don't like children? Was a family ever on the agenda?

I would say that I also don't like anyone elses children. Only my own.

In the vast majority of cases parents bond with their child and all the things that you hate and that irritate you about other kids is not the same from yours.

I also think all potential parents go into panic mode. It is all new and you don't know what is going to happen until you've had the first one.

 

[cmuir]

Hi

 

I can tell you honestly that a lot of people feel the way you do. Even those whose plan pregnancies can be in a state of shock, especially if it's a first child. My son was diagnosed at 4.5 with AS (4.5 years ago) and it was through that process that 2 specialists said they thought my husband was on the spectrum too. Knowing what I know about AS because of my son, I agree with them completely that my husband has AS and lots of things over the years (before the arrival of our son) make a lot of sense. I'm not saying hubby is a perfect father (no one is perfect, but I do think having AS make it extra difficult parenting our son when he is challenging), but I'm amazed that he has a remarkable insight into how kiddo is feeling, why he behaves the way he does, etc etc – I'm saying that he's a good father, and you could be too. No one feels comfortable with the unknown and finding out you have a child on the way when you don't know what to expect, don't feeling particularly paternal, etc etc makes it all very daunting. All you can do is share your feelings with your partner (I think it's important she knows and tries to understand) and take life as it comes. Telling you not to worry, etc is probably not going to make a huge different to you because you will, but all I can say is that your feelings are not unusual.

 

Best wishes.

 

Caroline.

[baddad]

Hi BFrench -

 

Sorry, I don't know if i can offer anything helpful, but just wanted to say I can fully appreciate how difficult the range of feelings your experiencing right now must be to negotiate. Difficult enough for an 'unexpected dad' who always had the idea of kids 'at some point' in their head, but a completely different prospect for someone who 'despises' children (which I hope is something of an exaggeration brought on by the circumstances!).

 

As you have said, your girlfriend is the one who is 'carrying' the baby, so any decisions made on that aspect have to be her decisions. You do, however, have to be entirely honest with her about your feelings in the most considerate and 'sensible' way possible. While that will mean walking on eggshells she needs to know about the doubts/fears you have rather than you hiding them away out of a misguided sense of loyalty or to protect her. If your feelings don't change over the next year or so then realistically the chances are she will be bringing up a child in very different circumstances to the ones she might be imagining right now, and it would be more 'unfair' to hide that possibility from her than to pretend for the short term that you're up and ready for the challenge of a baby you did not plan or want. Many younger people (and i won't say it's just girls, but i do think girls are often fed idealised persepctives that make it more likely) see a 'baby' as the cement in a relationship. The reality is more often the very opposite if the baby is an unexpected one, particularly in very new relationships (which yours is, even if at the moment it seems like you are soulmates and destined to be together forever), and/or if one party isn't ready or actually oppposed to the idea of that baby.

 

On the purely practical level you need to be looking at the situation you are in now (are you living together/do you and she both work/renting/buying/with mum and dad etc etc) and the situation you want or need to be in in 9 months time. You then need to be thinking about how you get from point A to point B (or as close to point B as you can possibly get) in such a short space of time. It might be that with thinking your point 'B' is not the one you (or she) expects - i.e. that you don't see yourself being able to play the role of 'dad' and know that is not going to change. While incredibly complicated and painful, that's a legitimate feeling too, and while you may feel (and be called) the lowest ******* of the low etc the reality is that your commitment was to her, not to her and a family. The days of shotgun weddings are (largely) over, and while taking responsibility for the child is one thing it does not have to equate to a lifelong commitment to a lifetime and lifestyle you never wanted or sought. The pregnancy, as is often the case, was an unfortunate consequence of recreational sex happily indulged in by two willing partners. If that pregnancy does culminate in a baby, then that's another consequence, and you and she both have to work out what additional consequences there might be. An unhappy 'family' - however honourable and well meant your intentions - is potentially a worse consequence than some other scenarios where you aren't all together but are being mutually supportive and supported.

 

Tough choices and times ahead, which sounds awful when considering what is generally regarded as a 'happy event'. I really, really do hope your feelings about the pregnancy and child, if that is how it unfolds, change. For my own part, I can definitely say that my own son is the greatest thing that ever happened in my life (in not entirely dissimilar circumstances to your own), but the difference was I had always wanted kids and thought I'd missed the boat. That difference is a HUGE one, and if it is not one that you can overcome or that changes over the coming months that's not, under the circumstances, something you should beat yourself up for as long as you've been honest from the outset.

 

Another purely practical observation:

Some decisions you and/or your partner might chose to make are very time critical, and complicated by ethical/moral dilemmas over which people have very polarised views. I won't share my own views with you, because they are irrelevant, but I would reassure you that the choices are yours and ultimately hers to make, in the same way that all the other 'alternative endings' (i.e. those that don't end up with a neat little family unit of 3) have to be.

 

Hope that's helpful

 

 

L&P

 

BD

[Tally]

I think it's pretty normal to be a bit scared about becoming a parent. Adding guilt to the way you're already feeling is just not necessary.

 

Do you know what her feelings are about having a child?

 

Perhaps you can write your girlfriend about your concerns and feelings. That way you can make sure it says exactly what you want to say in a considered way.

 

I don't know what your relationship is like with your parents, but maybe they would be able to offer you some support - now with the decisions you have to make, and perhaps later on with looking after your child as well.

[BFrench501]

This thread hasn't gone ignored, I just haven't been able to really respond as I don't know how to put things. A lot has happened the past two weeks and unfortunately ended in tragedy.

 

I eventually came round to the idea of being a dad. Thanks in part to the posts here and also because I refuse to be a person who basically runs away from responsibility. I love my fiance and I needed to support her. It wouldn't be without it's difficulties but I would feel worse knowing I had a child who was roaming the earth, and I wouldn't know who it was.

 

It didn't hit me really until complications set in. Last wednesday me and my fiance went to watch Shrek Forever After (good film by the way!) and she was spotting and had stomach cramp. Took her to hospital and I was in bits because I was so scared for her as she was in pain. This was a first sign that I was getting used to the idea...but it was when we went for a scan last Friday that I was finally happy to become a dad.

 

The scan was to see what the bleeding was like - turned out that it was an implantation bleed and not a miscarriage as I was scared would be the case. When I saw the scan my face lit up and it finally felt real - it felt good!!!

 

However fiance's bleeding and abdominal pains got worse and more intense/excruciating. Went to the Royal Infirmary on Monday PM and it was discovered that my fiance had had a miscarriage :'(

 

I've found this easier than her to cope with which is natural. But I feel guilty and helpless, and still frustrated that I've lost something. I realise it is not a child at 6 weeks pregnant but it does not make things any easier. This morning is going to be tough - we have a final scan at 8.30am which will determine if any of the pregnancy is left inside my fiance. If it is, they may have to induce labour to get rid of the remains or they may have to do a scrape. She's been passing a lot last night, 4 times in a matter of 30 minutes getting rid of a lot of tissue. I hope that's the end of it.

 

Sorry for another ramble...and thanks to those who messaged me here and privately for their support and help in tough times. I've learned a lot this past few weeks...

[Jennasmum]

I'm haven't got any useful advice, but i wanted to pass on my support and say that i am sorry for the loss of your child.

 

xxx

[call me jaded]

My condolences too. A sad time for you both.

[NickyB]

I'm so sorry for you both.

Edited July 15, 2010 by NickyB

[justine1]

Hi

Sorry and <'> to both of you.I know exactly what you going through having been through it three times myself.In fact my first miscarriage was supposed to be our first born,I remember it like it was yesterday,it was 11 years ago.The pain eases with time.Also I went on to conceive 9mths later and had a very healthy baby boy who will be 10 yrs old in a few mths.

 

Give yourselves time to heal,try and let your girlfriend know that you are there and give her space.I hope she will be getting counselling,I did not first time around and that is still a problem today(even though I did with the other two.)

 

When you are ready you can talk about trying again.Maybe you can focus on plans for your wedding first(?) Then at least you can prepare yourselves better and talk about parenting etc.

 

Wish you both the best at this hard time <'>

[cmuir]

Hi

 

Really sorry for you both. I hope you don't mind my sharing my experience with you. I thought it may be helpful in some way (perhaps provide reassurance/comfort, that your feelings/emotions are 'normal' and that time is a great healer).

 

I had a miscarriage a number of years ago. As Justine1 says, I recall it like it was yesterday (it was very painful at the time emotionally, but that eases). I was young at the time and was horrified to discover I was pregnant on the grounds that I'd never considered becoming a mother and didn't think I had a maternal bone in my body. I buried my head in the sand for a few weeks. However, like yourselves, suffered a miscarriage. Because I was young (19), I was told 'oh well, never mind, you can always have another one, etc'. I was too shell-shocked over the whole experience (it was Christmas Day, had to undergo surgery, etc) to even respond to such callous remarks. Over the next few days, I was on auto-pilot acting as if nothing had happened. Yet, it hit me like a brick - every advert on TV was for pampers, every person I walked past in the street was pregnant or pushing a pram, etc etc. I also felt tremendous guilt, as if somehow the miscarriage was my fault/somehow the baby knew I was scared and only through fear, didn't want the child at the time (though my intention was always to continue with the pregnancy). A bit of clarity made me realise that the baby died purely and simply because it was nature's way/that there was something wrong with the baby. I guess we all deal with this type of thing in our own way, but I shut it out (at the time I lived with my parents and my mother was very disapproving) and so I had no choice but to have a stiff upper lip. I swore at the time, I'd never go through anything like that again, however, some 10 years later, I have a wonderful son (he has AS) whose now 8. From my experience, despite being utterfly petrified about becoming a parent, being responsible for a child, not knowing if I'd love it (because I wasn't interested in babies and genuinely worried about whether I had the maternal instinct!), suffering a miscarriage, then years later having a child, it all made me realise how precious life is and how your feelings can change. When my son was born, it's like someone flipped a switch (sounds very cliched, but very true - I couldn't put him down and fell in love with him instantly. Life certainly has it's ups and downs and can be very daunting to say the least, but somehow we all muddle through. Dealing with grief, possibly guilt, etc are all very difficult to deal with for anyone (I'm NT BTW), and so all you and your partner can do is take one day at a time and try and open up to each other. There's no right or wrong way to act, but I guess the key at the moment is to try and be there for each other just (your partner's hormones are possibly all over the place at the moment, making it even more difficult for you to gauge how she's feeling). It can often be the case that this type of tragedy can bring you closer together.

 

Best wishes.

 

Caroline.

Edited July 15, 2010 by cmuir

[Tally]

So sorry to hear this Barry.

[baranigirl]

Sorry to hear your news

 

I have suffered 2 losses and although it does get easier with time I will never forget the experience of it all

 

Bigs hugs fopr you both xx

[Kathryn]

Sorry to hear your sad news.

 

K x

[trekster]

thinking of you and your fiancée for your sad loss.

[KezT]

sorry to hear this. thee are lots of organisations out there to help her and/or you through the emotional impact. it is probably worth fnding one you like the look of just so you can talk it over with people who properly understand. my sister had 5 miscarriages betwen 7-10 weeks before finally having a healthy baby last month if yu want, pm me & I'll ask her for info of groups online/in your area

[BFrench501]

Thanks for messages of support and kindness once again.

 

Went for final scan and there was no tissue left, so that was a relief. J is feeling better by the day both physically and emotionally so that is good news.

 

I've suggested getting counselling or support but J doesn't like the 'so how do you feel?' stuff that they do when it's obvious how you feel. I know there's more to it than that but J doesn't want it so I have to understand that.

[justine1]

Thanks for messages of support and kindness once again.

 

Went for final scan and there was no tissue left, so that was a relief. J is feeling better by the day both physically and emotionally so that is good news.

 

I've suggested getting counselling or support but J doesn't like the 'so how do you feel?' stuff that they do when it's obvious how you feel. I know there's more to it than that but J doesn't want it so I have to understand that.

I felt exactly the same when it happened to me the first time.I do regret not going and TBH if not for having gone through it again and getting counselling then, I doubt I would be coping right now.Not that I can tell you/J what to do but I would recommend it strongly.I am sure in time you can talk about it together which will also help.

 

I am glad J is feeling a little better,its a slow process but you will get there. Take care <'>

[trekster]

Best wishes for your girlfriends recovery.