anger

[melii]

hello there, i have a 6 year old boy, at xmas we got told that he has hfa. his anger towards us and life has got really bad. we have no clue when it is about to come or how bad it is going to be. every thing and any thing can start him of , from hurting himself to droping a ball to us asking him to do something.

last friday he came at my husband with a hammer and this week end we have 4 new holes in our walls where he was so out of controll he picked up his golf clubs and wouldnt stop.

can any help? we have no clue what to do, we have tryed the storys, shutting the door, taking stuff away and even smacking him bum, you name i think we have done it.

 

any help or advice will be great, thanks

 

[Enid]

Havnt time for a long reply but will later, have you read "the explosive child" by Ross Green, it really helped me and you can get it on amazon, you will get lots of help and advice on here, many/lots of us in same boat. <'>

[justine1]

Hi

Welcome to the forum.My son was dx same time as your son and is the same age,he has asd/aspergers.He also has the type of anger you describe but at school,not at home.It has resulted in him being excluded 4 times and is now due to start at an ASD unit tomorrow.

 

First of all I would keep a diary and write down how he was before he "explodes"what he was doing,who else was there etc.Often there are triggers for such behaviour.In order to elminate the triggers you need to find out what they are,so the diary will help with this.

 

If he is using weapons,such as the hammer,you need to put these out of reach or in a lockable draw.It may be a bit of an inconvinience but much better than getting hit with a hammer or even stabbed with a knife.

 

Does he have visual aids? Such as a timetable etc. You can use visual aids to show him that behaviour is wrong,put a few up in the house and every so often show him and explain. Try this www.visualaidsforlearning.com there is a wide variety and the have a section just on behaviour.

As well as this have one consistent consequence for the action so for shouting it maybe be 2 hour time out period in his room(always make sure the room is safe) for something more severe like going to hit his dad with the hammer,it could be one day of no telly or computer games(or both as I do) BUT it MUST always be the same if you change it then it confuses the situation and thats when he will continue to do what he wants.

 

Hope that helps.

[JsMum]

Hi, as a parent with I child with anger issues I understand, and your not alone, the first thing I want to express to you is that smacking him will not change his behaviour, it is not a positive method and actually just reinforces to him that violence works, your child needs a very spersific management and strong boundaries in place, also I would ensure any potential weapons be placed in a secure place, where he can not gain access to.

 

ABC charts are good for looking at what consequences you use, and looking for potential triggers.

 

http://www.thecbf.org.uk/chall-behaviour/funct-assess.htm

 

NAS have a list of behavioural techneques for Anger and challenging behaviour, they could also put you intouch with HELP programmes and your local authority may have Childrens disability nurse that can advise you on further stratagies, we use piture symbols with text to set up step by step routines.

 

Nas have a good guide on challenging behaviours.

 

http://www.autism.org.uk/living-with-autis...ith-an-asd.aspx

 

 

http://www.autism.org.uk/living-with-autis...s-answered.aspx

 

AS do the contact a family.

 

http://www.cafamily.org.uk/pdfs/behaviour.pdf

 

It may be that you also need to look at his needs in Educational setting for example a statement of special educational needs and setting up regular respite breaks because it is very draining looking after children with anger and violent behaviours so it could be that he needs a full assessment of his needs throw social services, though this is a very stressful process but may give all your family a break so you can cope in the long run.

 

Glad you found this forum to request help and support.

 

JsMumx

 

Edited July 4, 2010 by JsMum

[spottydog]

NAS do a really good education day about managing anger - might be worth you getting in touch with them to see if one being held locally. one of the things we found useful from the day was using a 5 point scale to try to teach DS to recognise some of his emotions and then learn alternative ways to deal with his anger, also when son angry NAS recommended withdrawing all verbal contact and backing away from him/no eye contact either. (Leave the room if you can) When in major meltdown NAS say child probably cannot hear you, try writing to him/drawing a speech bubble or sending a text message. if you feel you need to communicate. also discuss the event afterwards and talk about what he feels triggered it and if he feels he could do anything differently the next time. Also have things got worse since he started school (my son used to hold it together at school, then explode all evening) we find things improve beginning of holidays then get worse as he starts to think about school again.

 

[baddad]

Hi Melli - welcome to the forum.

Firstly, I'd reiterate everything that's been said so far about firm boundaries, consequences and sanctions. Try to think of it in terms of 'concrete' boundaries, consequences and sanctions, as the word itself implies something solid, dependable and long-lasting (which are all reassuring - exactly what your child needs/is seeking) while 'firm' just sounds disciplinary. Only a minor mental adjustment, but something that could be majorly helpful in reassuring you, the parent, that you aren't being too hard on him and the guilt trip that implies.

One thing that stood out for me in the opening paragraph - and it may just be a matter of phrasing so ignore if that's the case - but you said:

 

i have a 6 year old boy, at xmas we got told that he has hfa. his anger towards us and life has got really bad.

 

Do you think that the way you have responded to his anger since getting the diagnosis at xmas has changed, and that that could be partially responsible for the escalation? Do the two things seem potentially linked?

For many parents, the dx stirs up all sorts of feelings, among them the ideas i've touched on above guilt trips, and the idea that you have been to hard because he couldn't help his behaviour because he has autism. If that, consciously or unconciously, has led to a relaxing of rules and expectations that were previously in place then it will be confusing, and testing the new boundaries to see how much extra environmental control could be gained would be a natural response for any child. All of which would lead to escalation and increased bahavioural issues until the status quo was reestablished.

 

Hope that's helpful

 

L&P

 

BD

 

 

[baddad]

Oh - meant to include in the above the importance of reward schemes and reinforcment for positive bevahiour too! You need carrot and stick of course! I guess for most people the 'carrot' comes easy/automatically, while we guilt trip ourselves over the 'stick' (not a real stick, obviously), so that's why carrots tend to get less emphasis in these kinds of threads.

I think the toughest bit with rewards, though, is consistancy again - keeping them as 'rewards' for good behaviour rather than as 'bribes' for non-bad behaviour. It's a subtle difference, but an important one, and quite a few more 'grey areas' than the discipline side of things.

 

L&P

 

BD

[sesley]

anger a difficult one. my 10 year old is ASD and explodes for what ever reason. Its working out what the triggers are. Often ifs caused by fear and anxietys,of not knowing whats happening next or worrying about getting something wrong.At such a young age of 6 too. Does your lad have commincation abilitys? Often if its late developing as well,understanding language and expression can be very confusing,like if you are suddenly in a foreign country and don't undersand the language or culture. Is there anything in partiuclar that causes the anger? does it happen after a while,which can be a result of built up anxietys .How much language does your child actually understand as well,often the comprehension of language can be immature,particulary if speech has been delayed.The keeping of a diary is a good idea,of when the explosion happened,what were you all doing? what did you and how did you say when the explosion happened. My 10 year old is getting better as they do with maturity,but he will still explose without warning and is terribly upset whne he calms down in fact i think he is very frightened when he does loose control,so its a matter of considering why. The NAS anger management courses if you can get on them are very good at discussing anger and how you might manage them.

[justine1]

Oh - meant to include in the above the importance of reward schemes and reinforcment for positive bevahiour too! You need carrot and stick of course! I guess for most people the 'carrot' comes easy/automatically, while we guilt trip ourselves over the 'stick' (not a real stick, obviously), so that's why carrots tend to get less emphasis in these kinds of threads.

I think the toughest bit with rewards, though, is consistancy again - keeping them as 'rewards' for good behaviour rather than as 'bribes' for non-bad behaviour. It's a subtle difference, but an important one, and quite a few more 'grey areas' than the discipline side of things.

 

L&P

 

BD

Forgot to add the same thing We use a jar and put marbles in for every good day,he doesnt have to be perfectly behaved,but overall "good" We add the marbles up at the end of the week and if he reaches his target he can chose a toy from the 99p store.It makes him so proud.It has worked wonders at home.

[puffin]

I agree with what has been said about positive re-inforcement - it is very easy to get into a negative spiral with a child who is behaving badly so that the only comments he gets on behaviour are negative ones - so if you see him doing something good really make a big fuss about it. Many parents (myself included) forget to do this sometimes feeling that the child ought to know how to behave - but when in a negative phase it is really important to emphasise the good things and helpful things so they are more likely to repeat things

- we did a lot of sticker charts with rewards for a certain number - I would make the first rewards really quick so that behaving well gets a quick reward - then you can gradualy set bigger targets

- with bad behaviour - especially dangerous behaviour you need to react quickly and immediately - we used to put M into immediate time out o think about what she'd done wrong - usually somewhere really boring

- It is a good idea to look for triggers - then you might be able to divert it

 

I would also for the time being lock up any dangerous objects that can be grabbed and used as weapons given his current behaviour - such as knives, tools and golf clubs etc

[kazjam]

From my own experience if you keep a close watch on what has happened before the anger .....you can usually pinpoint an underlying reason. Perhaps something that happened earlier in the day, an hour before...or even just a matter of minutes before.

 

With my son....it is usually an incident that happened at school, a change of routine to what was expected etc.

 

Once you have pinpointed this you have to make sure that you minimise situations like this happening in the future.

 

Now I have got really good at recognising that an anger outburst is going to happen......you have to try and divert away from it......try diverting onto another subject.......walking away to another room......and DONT react to it. After a while we found that just doing these things made anger situations much less of an occurence.

 

I will then raise the subject at a later more appropriate time and say how disappointed i was with the behaviour and then let it drop.

 

If I am too late to stop an anger outburst then I walk away immediately and now have a room in the house where I can lock myself into ......this stops me reacting and makes my son calm down much quicker.

 

I think if you react it makes the situation much much worse.