Sports Day Help

[penny]

In 2 days time it's my son's school's sports day. He is 5, aspergers with moderate Dyspraxic disabilities. Teacher (who has been great) told me yesterday that D is very noticabily the last in the race - they have been practicing all week. He's very aware that he "never wins". The actual day will be full of anxieties for him - it's held at a different site to where they have been practicing, all the parents will be there watching. Teacher says just to play it by ear. If he doesn't want to race, he doesn't have to. She also says that she will run with him and help with the props along the way ( he has to put on a t-shirt, pick up bucket and spade and put on a hat along the way). Oh, it's making me feel sick just thinking about it. Why should I put him through it at all? I don't want him to feel left out but I don't want him to be humiliated if he tries at the same time....Is skipping school for the day and going to the zoo instead an option?.......Any suggestions??????

 

Penny

[nellie]

Hi Penny,

 

I think a lot depends on how your son feels about this, would he be anxious on the day, will he feel embarrassed if he doesn't win, will he know if he's getting it wrong?

 

My son is autistic and dyspraxic, he was really bad at sports, but he loved sports day and didn't care if he looked out of place or came in last, he thought it was great fun.

 

Not an easy decision, but you know your son best. Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

 

Nellie xx

[penny]

Hi Nellie,

 

Thanks again for your fast reply. Yes, he does seem to be looking forward to it. He will probably be anxious. We'll go along and go-with-the-flow. No one will force him to participate if he doesn't want to.

 

Will post back with the results after the day.

 

Thanks again for your help.

Penny

[puffin]

I think you should go with the flow, play it by ear and let him run if he wants to - he may feel worse if you pull him out as it may give him the impression that he is not good enough to be with the others. It may be that the taking part and "being there" is important for him.

 

I've been through this with my AS daughter - she wanted to run in a local cross country series of races - and up to the age of 6 or so it went OK she was always among the last few - but then suddenly all the average and poor runners dropped out and she was fininshing a whole minute behind the next last - but still she wanted to do it - and it worked out OK we just focussed on the positive - the other parents were great giving her a big clap - then suddenly at about 8.5 she didn't want to do it anymore so we dropped it.

 

Do they have any other events that he could do as well - M was always great at throwing stuff - OK not always in any specific direction - but they had a "throwing the ball" event - and all the kids could have a throw. I was a bit worried as she sometimes threw right over her head and hit the people behind. The PE teacher stood on the far side of the sports field - out of range - saying stuff like "see if you can hit me" - not something to say to an Aspie as she took it rather litterally - the ball came flying out of her hand and PE teacher was sent scuttling out of the way as it landed exactly where he had been standing - - she got maximum points for her class and gave everyone a good laugh which made her day.

[phasmid]

We have a few children in my school who are unable to compete on equal terms with their peers due to various disabilities. They all have the option of NOT taking part if they choose - they always take part. They get the biggest bloomin' cheer of the day when they finish and are so chuffed with themselves. They could teach some of their more able peers a thing or two about determination and just 'taking part for the fun of it!

 

Play it by ear on the day. The school are doing the right thing - by leaving it to him to decide. If he wants to do it, I'd let him. If he does just be prepared for an overwhelming sense of pride.

 

My own sun cannot run for toffee. When he decided to do the 800m a few yrs ago we were horrified! He came in last, and was lapped by just about everyone - his whole school were stood their cheering him on as he crossed the line- more than just his mum and I had a tear or two running down our cheeks.

 

Let us know how he does

[Elouise]

Why not gently ask him which he would prefer to do.

 

Sam regards sports day as a way of torturing him if he has to join in the sports side of it.

 

His infant school never made him take part. they always asked him but never forced him.

Sam helped by keeping scores and using a stop watch which worked for him as he is so maths and science based.

 

Perhaps he could help by setting up some of the props for his teacher if he wants to help but not take part in the actual race.

 

Sams infant school was brilliant. The role model that staff gave the children was positive so that the kids with movement difficulties got roars of applause fromt heir class mates for finishing something they had found difficult even if they were last and way behind the rest.

The winners still got medals but there was also awards for the most steadfast athelete (the one who did their best) effort and achievement were acknowledged.

 

Keep talking with his teachers. It sounds as if you have found an inclusive school who are flexiable enough to make his day enjoyable rather than stressful and you could go along and support him and cheer him on and if it turns out he truly dislikes it you could take him home early .

[Hectorshouse]

T has virtually the same DX, and as such has never won any kind of race, he had sports day yesterday and was entered into the long jump, which for some bizarre reason he actually does really well at, and that was about it, but because he so desperately wanted to be a part of it the HOY made him official photographer for the Year 7's, he had an access all areas pass made and had an absolutely fab day (mind you that is according to T I haven't heard back from the SENCO yet about any problems) he wasn't bothered in the end that he didn't really compete or even aware if he had done well in the long jump. What worked for T was being made to feel useful and helpful, and surprise surprise they had a happy compliant pupil. I don't know if this helps, but it certainly made things easier for T and easier for those around him, and gave him some self esteem, much needed in his case.

 

HHxx

[LittleRae]

Hi

 

My DS is no athlete and usually comes last. He's only noticing this lately (he's 9).

 

I used to send him off to Sports Day with the usual 'winning isn't everything' 'the important thing is to take part & be a good sport'...etc. But it was getting to the stage where even other parents would comment on how he was always last or how clumsy he was (they don't know about dx).

 

For the last 2 years, however, Sports Day is great fun. D's school has decided on 'non-competitive' activities where no prizes are given and the emphasis is on fun and participation. The kids all have a great day and 'events' can be added to suit everybody.

 

 

I'm sure I prefer it!

 

A

[penny]

I am overwhelmed by all the responses. I'm getting emotional reading them. Thanks so much to all of you. I am printing all your responses out to give to his teacher in preparation for tommorrow.

 

School is an independent and tommorrow will be all about winning. But I will be there with with loudest cheer for D. I just hope nobody laughs at him like they did at the Xmas concert - there was a dance routine you see.....If so, I'll be grabbing the microphone off the head teacher and giving the crowd a lesson in empathy and understanding children with disabilities.

 

We don't think the school is a long term solution for D but his teachers to-date have been great. We are frantically looking for another more empathetic school but that's another topic.......

 

Will post after the day with what happened.

 

Thanks again for all your help everyone.

 

Penny

[Hectorshouse]

Best of luck Penny I hope he does well and enjoys the day, competition can be so hard for our children, and with you there cheering him on I am sure he will feel good about himself.

 

HHxx

[sarahjane]

Good luck,

 

My son who is 6 and as and dyspraxia is in the same boat and his sports day was last week. Last year was awful and he hated it came last in everything, could not even do some of it like skipping, he seemed unaware of being worst but just did not enjoy it or see the point. This yr (he got his diagnosis recently) i was quite anxious but he was not, he still came last in everything but seemed to participate more and enjoy it more, got plenty of stickers for taking part. I would leave it up to your son. Also judge the response to the races the struggling children were getting a big round of applause when they eventually made it.

Also H has no concept of winning or being competitive, when he did get ahead of someone he stopped and let them past.

We have his school concert tonight- another tricky time!

[penny]

Thanks Hector and SarahJane for the support. Good luck SarahJane at the concert.

 

I love this website.......

 

Penny

[Sallya]

D was in tears last year when they had sports day practice, so they put him in races with children of similar ability, and no tears on the day <'>

s

xxx

Edited June 23, 2005 by Sallya

[invent 10 things b4 breakfast]

My son is 8 and today was sports day. I too was really worried that he stands out with his Aspergers and his funny run. But the school's policy is not really that competative and they move from activity to activity in their own class groups and only complete against 3 other kids.

 

Of course he virtually came last in everything but there was no way he was going to miss it Even when they did the mini marathon he was last, by a long way, and when he went to bed tonight he did comment on how he came last but as we always say "it's not the winning it the taking part!"... and he did enjoy himself. <'>

 

I think it really does depend on how your child feels. I sometimes find that protecting him actually does more harm than good with his social peers.

 

Although your son is only 5 and thinking back my son at that age could not cope with sports day at all, so maybe things will get better

Edited June 23, 2005 by invent 10 things b4 breakfast

[Lorne]

We had our first brush with sports day yesterday, and TBH, I'm still quite annoyed at the school.

 

My wife dropped our DS off as usual in the morning, and asked his teacher if he would be taking part as we hadn't had any confirmation from the school. She just said they didn't think he would cope so no!

 

My wife rang me at work when she got back about it so I immediately rang up the school & spoke to the headmistress, who was VERY curt with me. In the end they said he could take part but ONLY if one of us was with him at all times AND we had to take him away as the slightest sign of him being a problem!

 

Well, come mid morning, my wife had to collect him for our monthly visit with the ADHD nurse, and we asked him if he still wanted to go to sports day (up until now he'd really been looking forward to it, and even winning some of the practice races), and his EXACT reply was "No thank you, I don't think I could cope with it. I won't be able to handle it". Please note the very adult use of language here, completely out of character for him.

 

Now, either he'd been coached by the school to say that, or they were talking about him within his earshot knowing full well that he always picks up on it when people are talking about him. So, end result, my DS has had his self-confidence knocked just cause the damn school didn't want their sports day disrupting, whilst actually saying it would be "cruel" to subject him to the stresses of sports day

 

My DS has a social communication problem. The ONLY way to help with that is to expose him to a varied range of social activities, and sports day is a very good one. He doesn't have problems with crowds, he doesn't have problems with loud noises (except the school fire bell). As long as my wife or I were nearby and told him what was going to happen at each step, he'd have been fine. Instead, the blasted school have taken away a chance for him to be able to prove he can cope. At the moment, I feel there's one way I'd LIKE to respond to the school over this ( ), but instead I'll guess I'll just write another letter instead.

Edited June 28, 2005 by Lorne

[Helen]

Lorne,

 

I'm angry for you I'm sorry but I can't remember what your son's dx is - I did try looking through your profile and looking up your posts but there's an error with the board at the moment which is restricting this function.

 

If your son has an official dx of AS or Autism then I suggest you contact The Disability Rights Commission for some guidance on this matter. tel: 08457 622 633

[phasmid]

This simply should not have happened!

 

All children should have the chance to take part if that is what they want. For the school to do this is, as Helen is saying, discriminating against your son because he has a disability. That, is illegal.

 

I am sooo angry that a school has reacted in this way. If he was happy to take part, and you were happy to let him, they should have allowed him to participate.GRRR. Apart from encouraging you to follow this up by complaining I don't know what else to say to you...

[Lorne]

Hi Helen,

 

We don't have an "official" DX yet as we are still waiting for the appointment from the Join Communications Clinic to turn up, the psych we've seen has given a preliminary DX of ADHD, Social Communication Disorder, and elements of Aspergers. Definately on the autistic spectrum. He's also hyperlexic, and the brightest kid in the class, which doesn't help really as he spends most of the day bored. He already has the reading & writing level of a 7 year old so essentially he's being held back.

 

I've not written the letter to the school yet as I didn't want to do it whilst I'm still angry Generally the school "seem" to want to help him, but a mixture of him STILL only attending 2 full days a week, and the rest half days, in combination with this episode, make me think the opposite.

 

The ADHD nurse, on the other hand, is VERY supportive and proactive and is going to be contacting the school to push for an extra full day. TBH, seeing as he started last September, and the school year is almost over, he really should be full time by now...

[penny]

Hi all,

 

I've had lots of trouble accessing this site over the last week - broadband in my area? I posted last Friday, day of D's sports day, but it seems to have got lost somewhere.....

 

Anyway, D's sports day was a success! I felt really confident going into the day armed with all your advice and well wishes. Even managed to stay calm driving there in the morning when we were running a little late - a 'no anxiety' zone....

 

All the success goes to D's teacher who has been brilliant all year. She ran with/for him in all 3 races. Even putting his t-shirt on (boys size 7-8) and bending down so D could put his hat on her head. D flapped with delight! All parents were laughing as was I with tears thrown in. D has even mentioned since that 'it was a fun day' and he 'can't wait for the next sports day' which is success indeed!

 

However, the day was all about winning - only stickers for the 1st, 2nd and 3rd. The school could have at least given 'well done' stickers to everyone. D loves stickers. I also ignored the awkward silence by other parents around me after each event. I was enveloped in D's happiness.

 

Without his beloved teacher at school next year, I fear the school will be a different place for him - she was the school's inclusion policy. And no-one else seems willing to take up the challenge.

 

I agree with you Lorne that schools should strive to include our children in events as the DEFAULT. And as my son's experience at sports day shows, there are plenty of ways to adapt an event to suit our children. It just needs the will. This is the lesson I have learned from all of your advice and D's experience. I am hoping that D's school has that will for next year but alas, I fear not.........

 

Thanks again everyone....

Penny

[Hectorshouse]

How fantastic is that, I am sooooo pleased for you and yours that it was a success, and what a wonderful teacher it brought a lump to my throat. You must be so proud.

 

<'> <'>

HHxx

[puffin]

Lorne - this SHOULD NOT happen - I can see some parallels between your experience and the Buniak case where a child was excluded from school activities such as plays and outings because of a disability - I think that eclusion from sports day would fall into the same category http://www.ipsea.org.uk/buniak.htm - I think that you should contact IPSEA and get some advice. http://www.ipsea.org.uk

 

I'm also not sure of the legality of the school denying your child the right to full time education

Edited July 4, 2005 by puffin

[Lorne]

Hi Penny, glad you had a successfull day! You must be so proud of D Sounds like you've got a great teacher there!

 

Puffin, proving it is the hard part though. As for the full time, well, last time I tried pushing for extra days, I the following comment from his teacher.

 

"The law doesn't require him to attend full time until the new school year after his fifth birthday."

 

His 5th birthday was in May, so that would mean next September. Read into that what you will. I know what *I* read into it!

 

Rest assured, I'm keep a damn close eye on the school at the moment. It's all well them mouthing platitudes and saying they'll do this or that, but it's all in what *actually* happens. As the end of the school year is so close now, there's no point in pushing them anymore, but come September, I AM going to Mr Pushy Parent, cause they'll have no cause for excluding him from anything anymore as he'll be legally entitled to full time education then.

 

I've discussed this with my mother-in-law, who is a teacher herself, though a secondary school one, and she says I need to start pushing too! She was NOT amused when I told her about the above comment either!

[puffin]

Lorne - i agree that you ought to push for implementation in September - but September needs to be planned now - I would push for a meeting before the end of term to plan for next year.