TL;DR....

[Hughey]

This is a long thread. Sorry. I'm not very good at talking, and I'm constantly angry and anxious about stuff and I don't know what to think or do. I feel like my head is a cement mixer and my thoughts are all rumbling around inside. This has taken a long time to write down and it is hopefully a bit more insightful and less scattered. Also, sorry to anyone else I have argued with before due to this. I have to say, when I talk about this I do tend to lose my temper and probably will do again, all I can say is I'm sorry in advance because its just me being angry and irrational and not how I usually am when I'm angry. No nead here. If you want a context of speech, just read it in my deep, monotonous voice which I usually have.

 

Oh, and its important to note, I am in no way looking for sympathy or people trying to relate. I find the more I talk or write about things, the better I feel about things. I will admit that I still hate, hate, hate my AS, however, when I first found out I was so angry that I didn't sleep for about 4 days because the anger and rage and the sheer hate was so strong that I couldn't relax even close my eyes.

 

I find it uncomfortable when people when people describe what I'm feeling about AS as “suffering”. I never viewed AS as suffering as I'm sure most of you wont.

Lets look at it this way: Suffering would be having cancer, having a brain tumour, both arms violently ripped off, the Ebola virus, AIDS and so forth. The way I view AS is like a bad case of Crabs that are immune to any treatment and will continue to live and build in your ball hair for the rest of your life. Its like having a permanent itchy rash across your butt and so on. Its just pointless, unwanted and ununnecessary drama and difficulties, its just there to make something harder than it needs to be. I know kinda what my true nature is, but I don't like my true nature. They say I'm just wired differently, but the way I see it is that I'm wired incorrectly. Wire me correctly for god sake. But I get to go to the grave knowing that I'm like this.

 

I have a hard time trying to accept my AS. If I didn't have AS then I wouldn't be who I am, but I don't like who I am. I try so hard to not be who I am, to mask my personality and the way I usually think, I'm trying to find techniques and things to help me make myself as NT as possible, maybe one day I'll become as NT as possible and even though by then my youth will probably gone, this whole thing wont have been social awkwardness and weird obsessions. They say AS is a trade off, but its traded me the stuff I do want for the stuff I have never wanted. Just stuff I have never cared about. I (against my will) have traded my social skills, my confidence and my sex life etc, for a higher rate of concentration and abailities to notice patters and random other details. Wow, thanks... does anybody here want to trade thousands of quid worth of arborist equipment for a dull bread knife and a ball of wool?

 

With the way I look and the way I grew up, I actually have an idea how my life would have been if I was NT. I can't say for sure, but based on what I have seen with other people like me and I have an idea and it pi**es me off to no end. I feel like it has robbed me of everything: Friends, girlfriends, confidence, happiness, sex, jobs, mental health, good times, bravery, adventure, my green beret, my pride and not to mention my youth. Its cost me chances with women that I have liked, and I feel very demasculated because of it. I'm not a real man, I have never met a person with AS who is. All of this is due to the symptoms of AS.

 

I'm a big, tall, good looking, well built, athletic, northern lad. And despite my families heavy military background, a path I was supposed to follow in but can't because they don't want Autism in the military (gift my ar$e) We have always been raised to be nice, easy going people, although we are very protective and most people here are very competitive. I should be like my siblings and relatives. Chatty, confident, relaxed, enjoying social situations, but at the same time, adventurous and competitive. I know this because I'm the only one who's like this and I'm the only one in the family with AS. There is no other reason other than AS that I'm not.

 

I'm a big, tall, good looking, well built, athletic, northern lad. And despite my families heavy military background, a path I was supposed to follow in but can't because they don't want Autism in the military (gift my ######) We have always been raised to be nice, easy going people, although we are very protective and most people here are very competitive. I should be like my siblings and relatives. Chatty, confident, relaxed, enjoying social situations, but at the same time, adventurous and competitive. I know this because I'm the only one who's like this and I'm the only one in the family with AS. There is no other reason other than AS that I'm not.

 

I just don't understand people, the way they work and it frustrates me to no end. I really want to, I have put in so much effort and every day trying to figure out something that an NT just knows is like a huge mathematical equation. The things I say make people react in ways that I don't understand. I just want to know how to talk to people and make them like me. I don't complain like this in public, if I did then I wouldn't be here. I feel like slamming my head against a door when I'm trying to talk to people. I feel intimidated by people, mainly people my age because of the life experience levels of each of us, and because of how much wiser to the world they are than myself. I find crowds uncomfortable, I find leaving my comfort and routine zone quite distressing. I still hate crowds and places out of my comfort zone, but I go and try and it never really works, I just want to go home and do something time consuming with my headphones on. I'm 21 years old, I should love this stuff, but really I'm like a shy 15 year old. I don't want to let it beat me, and what I'm writing now is something I never let me tell myself, but I'm writing the truth that I don't like to admit. I'll keep going, trying new things and trying new people and places. I'm less shy when I'm drunk and I come out of my shell a lot, its a shame that I can't do it without making an ar$e of myself every time.

 

Another thing its screwed up for me is women. I'm not a vain man, but I know that's I'm quite above average in looks, plus I'm a good height too (6'3), I usually score about a 7-8 for people who don't know me personally, but about a 3-4 for people who know me personally and know my aspie personality. I tried to make some money when I was 16 and thought I would sell out my beliefs on everything I hate about fashion and take a few promo shots and try some modelling. I got a job a month or so afterwards and hated the experience, and decided to withdraw my tiny and limited portfolio. I think you get the point though, I'm no Quasimodo. I could have had a few hot women I think. I would certainly not be on here, I would probably be in a crappy bed room with Nikki right now. I agree that beauty is in the eye of the beholder, I want to have a love, and I don't care what she looks like, I want to love somebody for who they are. But other than the rare gem like Nikki, at this point in my life, I don't really care about that stuff, all I care about is getting laid, all I care about are looks. My friend helped me out by wing manning me a few times to get some hot girls because I can't get them on my own, and these girls were just boring, vain people with dull personalities, the pulling was straining and one of the worst experiences of my life, but was the sex worth it?.... hells yeah! It only happened about 4 times, and because he was my wing man, he pretty much did all the work and when he realized that I'm mentally unable to return the favour, then he stopped doing it.

 

I have actually googled drugs and even chemical castration a few times to just remove my weird, fluctuating sex drive, because it's no good to me, and it just causes frustration and anxiety and a possibly expensive future porn or prostitute addiction. I have never pad for sex, and I'm worried that I one day will.

 

What I'm scared of it settling or being settled for. I don't want to be the guy that woman come to at 35 because they are desperate for a baby and a family and any half decent looking guy will do. Or the guy women come to at 55 because they don't want to grow old and die alone. I want to be able to do better. One thing that terrifies me is the thought of ending up with somebody on the spectrum!

 

Speaking of kids, that would never be fun for me. If a partner of mine found out she was pregnant and wanted to keep ot, the whole time I'll be hoping its a girl. Two reasons: Girls are less susceptible to inherting AS, and second, I wouldn't like to think that I'm that boy's father figure and he will grow up like me, AS or not. But AS doesn't stop there. Lets say my daughter is born a happy healthy NT girl, and I'm happy that she is, then when she is old enough to have kids, like a virus, her kids might inherit it. I will be a 60 year old man hanging out with my infant grandchild, not because I'm a good grandad, but because I'll be checking their behaviour to make sure they haven't got the same birth defect that I was born with. I have never wanted kids, I don't like kids, and I really hope it stays that way, because this might become depressing at a later age.

 

Food drives me insane. I hate food and constantly have to force feed myself. I for some reason, have a very high sense of taste and smell. I started smoking because I heard smoking kinda kills off your sense of taste and smell, it turns out it only works if you smoke a lot! I can't eat sloppy foods, I can't eat any cooked veggies, all veggies I eat are raw and they can't be mixed. I can't eat any other meats other than bacon, sausage and burger. I can't eat butter or margerine, I can't eat ketchup, mayonnaise or any other condiment other than BBQ sauce or I will be sick. I can't eat any creams or sandwiches. I don't know why. Food phobias are the biggest hastle because no matter how much I force feed myself this stuff, I'm still sickened by it. I should be thankful I have food on my plate, there are people out there that would need this food and for me to throw it away is bad, so I get a vegeatble pasta, and force every last mouthful down my throat and wretch. I wretch every single day a bunch of times. My weight fluctuates because I can't waste what I don't make, so I avoid food like the plague, and then I'm skinny and unenergised because I'm big and have a lot of weight to carry around, then I do eat but its all junk, thing that people usually indulge in, but the only stuff I can eat without trying to keep it in my body once its in, then I get a spare tyre, I have a spare tyre at the moment tbh, and a second chin. Spent last week at Maccy D's all the time. The usual, double cheeseburger, fries and a large banana milkshake. Tasty (at least I can find something that is.)

 

All over sensitivities drive me insane. Eating sounds make my skin crawl, they make me angry to hear them, they make my hair stand on end. I hate wearing stuff around my neck, I don't like anything touching my neck. I don't like things touching my knees, I like baggy pants because they don't touch my knees as much.

 

There are up sides though, but like I said they are either useless or work related. I have retarded obsessions, and that's no fault of the AS, that's parts just mere misfortune, I just wish I could pick what I am obsessed with.

I'm not so much interested in enegineering, that I'm just good and interested in that kind of work in general. For some reason I can only learn visually, and I like working with my hands and being alone to concentrate and engineering seems like a good path for me. I was a trainee arborist until I lost my job due to AS, and I loved it. Everything was so noisy that you couldn't talk or do anything but work all day. I loved climbing because I'm up a tree all day... alone... with plenty of things to concentrate on. I have to admit, I love aboriculture and the great outdoors. Adore it. Aren't I an exciting and interesting chap?

What else? Over the past 7 years I have collected about £5000 worth of ###### from a band called Agoraphobic Nosebleed, mostly rare collectables and stuff, and I have obsessed over types of underground music and all that stuff since I was about 13. I have had other extreme interests but they tend to fade when I realize that I should be out with friends on a Friday night, and not at home learning about stuff.

 

That's all I have to say for now. If you actually read this far then I have to say.. Thanks.

[Mumble]

Another thing its screwed up for me is women.

Yes, I hear that's part of the diagnostic criteria.

[Hughey]

Yes, I hear that's part of the diagnostic criteria.

 

?

[Mandapanda]

Hi Hughey

 

I read the whole post.

 

In my humble opinion, it isn't AS ruining your life, it is your anger.

 

There are plenty of people with AS who have successful relationships, cope with their difficulties, and achieve loads of things in spite of AS and even because of it.

 

There are also many people who do not have AS who are hopeless with the opposite sex, who have rock bottom self-confidence, have a chip on their shoulder, can't join the military because of their eyesight or other problem, and as you say in your own post there are plenty of good looking people with unattractive personalities.

 

I believe one of the most off-putting things for women is an aggressive, angry personality in a man. And whether male or female, someone who obsesses about their faults is unlikely to give someone else the care and attention they are looking for.

 

I am sorry you feel like you do, it must be totally miserable for you. If only you could try and look at things you can do rather than can't do, and perhaps do some voluntary work with people less fortunate than yourself (ie severely disabled, suffering from cancer etc). It is possible to find something positive in AS but you have to be open to seeing it.

[Hughey]

Hi Hughey

 

I read the whole post.

 

In my humble opinion, it isn't AS ruining your life, it is your anger.

 

I already explained in the first part of the post that I didn't write this in anger and nothing I said implied anger, this is quite possibly the calmest thing I have ever written about my defect. And just because I call it my defect doesn't mean that I'm angry, I'm just not delusional enough to call it anything it's not.

 

I'm sorry, but (if you even give a damn) I think you might need to elaborate more on that.

 

There are plenty of people with AS who have successful relationships, cope with their difficulties, and achieve loads of things in spite of AS and even because of it.

 

Yeah? Well all its done for me is hold me back. I could have a good relationship? How boring. Its narrowed down my demographic and my abilities to have certain standards myself.

 

What are these achievements? They got a qualification and became head of a department... cool...

 

There are also many people who do not have AS who are hopeless with the opposite sex, who have rock bottom self-confidence, have a chip on their shoulder, can't join the military because of their eyesight or other problem, and as you say in your own post there are plenty of good looking people with unattractive personalities.

 

And my AS is the only thing making me one of them. I wouldn't be like that if I didn't have AS for reasons I explained. I would have certain problems and things about myself and my life that I don't like, but I would have confidence and personality to go with my looks and it wouldn't apply to me, so I don't see how I should care about other people like that. How does knowing that other people are like this supposed to help me find some kind of solution to this?

 

I'm perfectly healthy, so once again my AS steps in and takes something away from me. No physical problems, perfect 20x20 vision. Thanks AS, another thing you have taken from me.

 

I wouldn't care if I was ugly on the inside.

 

I believe one of the most off-putting things for women is an aggressive, angry personality in a man. And whether male or female, someone who obsesses about their faults is unlikely to give someone else the care and attention they are looking for.

 

Maybe in your own case. You might want care and attention, but I don't like women like that, I like women who can take care of themselves, not women who feel the need for somebody to care for them and look after them. I take it you are.

 

Who says that I'm an angry and aggressive person? This is the only place where I can even be like this, and just because I hate Aspergers and the subject makes me angry doesn't mean that I'm an angry person. I have no other reason to be angry at life other than what AS has done to me, so really this is just another fault of AS even if I was an angry person.

 

Its kinda hard not to when my faults affect about 90% of my daily life anyway. Its hard to not know my faults if I wasn't defective then I certainly wouldn't be where I am today.

 

I am sorry you feel like you do, it must be totally miserable for you. If only you could try and look at things you can do rather than can't do, and perhaps do some voluntary work with people less fortunate than yourself (ie severely disabled, suffering from cancer etc). It is possible to find something positive in AS but you have to be open to seeing it.

 

I know what I can do, its the things I can't do that I actually want.

 

I do, I like helping out, mostly over xmas, I don't really have too many friends so xmas is a very lonely time for me so I volunteer as much as possible. I try to do some charity work every now and then but I don't usually get much time for it. Plus I do all the charity runs too and raise some money.

 

Its a sad day when you really have to search to find something good about yourself.

[philipo]

Its a sad day when you really have to search to find something good about yourself.

Oh it's such a wide and cold world when it mirrors.Thing is that we cant see what others see in us.The thing about women and sexual feelings is an asset,as it stops you marrying some drunk you met in a nightclub!When it comes to peole saying your angry i can relate to that,today a forum member diagnosed me as angry,but that person has the unique capability of intellectualising physical pain so I assume ,from another planet like the rest of us..people dont really understand what anger managment skills that can develop over the years,

When i was 16 and 8 stone and homless I went down to the army careers and wanted to join up.My familiy military record was outstanding,the recruiting sergant said 'what do you want to do,marines,artilleray etcc' I replied army bandsman,and he looked shocked and asked me why.I said that me dad,ex Cameron highlander and army conductor,said that i would'nt have to do morning parade as I'd be rehearsing and if anyone started any shooting I could be a stretcher bearer and not have to kill anyone!Obviously I did'nt understand how niave I was then.You did the right choice not joining,you'd probably be mincemeat in some foreign land by now.Your alive and definitly in control of yourselve.

You may have some great creative stuff going on but not realise it.I spent 20 years when younger working with musicians,pirate radio,all sorts of stuff but during all that time thought I was the 'thick one',reinforced by family and freinds who nicknamed me 'trigger'.

A very big thing about my experience that i've only just realised is how sapping it is to your confidence ,year in year out,as it becomes more obvious thats somthings missing,You need to work on feelings of doubt and worth,and as for dating you'll find that your emotional side will work wonders when seeking the kind of partner you need.Now you understand more whats going on in the 'cement mixer' you are in a far more powerfull situation to make the best of it and as you get older you'll understand yourself even more.Keep on it HUGHEY,its normal to be cheesed off(no dietry puns intended)but you must look to the future and that starts all the time from now,and laugh at yourself.p.s you might find that there's a creative streak in you that your confidence has'nt let out yet...Keep writing on this forum,its great and very tolerant, Keep on it hughey and don't be too hard on yourself ,its somthing to live with ,not die of. xphilipo

[KezT]

why can't you join the army? if that's what you want to do, go for it - AS is not a proscribed condition. I can see some ways AS recruits would be a bonus to the arm TBH

 

as for "settling" for a less than perfect partner - sorry to break it to you, bt NOBODY is perfect! there is no such thing as the perfect soulmate who will adore you for what you are in every way. Or who will not annoy you in some way... In the real world you look for a relationship that you can work with and that will grow over time. Stop worrying aboiut whether you ought to be able to get all the "hot"girls, and star thinking about what you actually want from a relationship. If itis a good looking girl on your arm, then you can't complain if it is only a short term thing. If you want a long term relationship, looks are not th best thing to look for IYSWIM

[philipo]

why can't you join the army? if that's what you want to do, go for it - AS is not a proscribed condition. I can see some ways AS recruits would be a bonus to the arm TBH

 

as for "settling" for a less than perfect partner - sorry to break it to you, bt NOBODY is perfect! there is no such thing as the perfect soulmate who will adore you for what you are in every way. Or who will not annoy you in some way... In the real world you look for a relationship that you can work with and that will grow over time. Stop worrying aboiut whether you ought to be able to get all the "hot"girls, and star thinking about what you actually want from a relationship. If itis a good looking girl on your arm, then you can't complain if it is only a short term thing. If you want a long term relationship, looks are not th best thing to look for IYSWIM

 

KetZ makes aload of sense HUGHEY,just relax a bit and all the good stuff starts pouring in ,except dont join the army,its mostly aimless and you'd soon find it boring as the army is'nt looking for thinkers or individuals.For me a big component is WORRYING,but worrying is just wasted time and energy,dont worry about the future just concentrate on enjoying today,and when it comes to relationships ,just enjoy your own company,you'll soon be in a relationship and then you'll crave all that time on your own,its a lovley warm day so enjoy it,cheers philipo.x

[Hughey]

why can't you join the army? if that's what you want to do, go for it - AS is not a proscribed condition. I can see some ways AS recruits would be a bonus to the arm TBH

 

Because I don't want to join the army, I want to join the Marines and they are much more picky than the army. A cousin of mine is in a similar situation. In your claf muscles there are two muscles that rub together when moving them and there is a protective sheath around those two muscles but he was born without them. It can put his calf muscles in agony after running and yomping for long periods of time and they kicked him out of training. A very similar issue was shown on a TV show called "Commando On The Front Line". The reason I told you that is because he is taking a different path in the Navy because they are less picky. When the Marines (the most elite infantry force) found out because AS is on my records somehow, I was told "I'm afraid we wont be taking your application any further".

 

I agree, but the Marines don't see it as a bonus, just as a birth defect that can make me clumsy and makes me socially awkward and different from the other Marines, so they don't want me.

 

In the real world you look for a relationship that you can work with and that will grow over time. Stop worrying aboiut whether you ought to be able to get all the "hot"girls, and star thinking about what you actually want from a relationship. If itis a good looking girl on your arm, then you can't complain if it is only a short term thing. If you want a long term relationship, looks are not th best thing to look for IYSWIM

 

I know. But right now I'm not interested in long term relationships, life is too short to waste this part looking for one.

 

What is IYSWIM?

 

KetZ makes aload of sense HUGHEY,just relax a bit and all the good stuff starts pouring in ,except dont join the army,its mostly aimless and you'd soon find it boring as the army is'nt looking for thinkers or individuals.For me a big component is WORRYING,but worrying is just wasted time and energy,dont worry about the future just concentrate on enjoying today,and when it comes to relationships ,just enjoy your own company,you'll soon be in a relationship and then you'll crave all that time on your own,its a lovley warm day so enjoy it,cheers philipo.x

 

 

uuuuuuuummmmmmmmm.... okayyyy?

Edited June 26, 2011 by Kathryn

[matzoball]

The biggest favour you could do for yourself right now is accepting yourself for who you are.

 

Once you accept and start to like yourself then everything else will follow.

 

Work on accepting your limitations and expanding on the things you can do. Confidence comes from knowing who you are, knowing your own faults as you see them and carrying on regardless and without apology.

 

AS is not sufferable like crabs - it's something that while difficult to deal with at times - is more liberating than you realise. We are not like other people thank god - we are loyal friends, we are hard workers, we are loving family members and spouses.

 

Speak to people on here - ask them about their lives and I am certain you will find out that it doesn't need to be this pariah producing condition that you think it is. It can be pretty freaking aweosome.

[dm2010]

Actually I agree with much of your post, with the exception of FOOD ! I'm a fine food junkie and just love a 3 course restaurant meal, especially when it's on expenses hehehe. As an engineer, machines are your friends. They have moods and a language all their own that no one else speaks.

 

 

A slightly out of balance rotor shaft buried deep inside a machine says "bet you can't find me" but I can.

 

A horrendously complicated manufacturing process that no one has yet cracked says "I've defeated you all" well not me you haven't !

 

Something that has never been measured accurately before says "I can keep my secrets from you". We'll see about that.

 

 

My expertise in engineering has been hard won, of all the professions I think it's the most egalitarian and open to those who are willing to work at it. As Thomas Edison said genius is 1% inspiration and 99% perspiration. People are fickle and hostile to those with AS. Machines welcomed me into their world from day 1. My parents said as much when they toured my factory, remarking that nothing had really changed - my toys had just got bigger and more expensive !

[dm2010]

On the Royal Marines issue -

 

I knew well for many years someone from 42 Commando so I got to know how the Marines work.

It's like any other branch of the services - they recruit to a narrow template and if you don't match it, you won't get in.

For officers it is even more restrictive.

 

So what if they don't want you ? Pursue your success elsewhere.

 

Incidentally, I did a Bleep running test many years ago with 10 serving Royal Marines in the training group. I beat them all, the last one dropped out at level 16.

[baddad]

We are not like other people thank god - we are loyal friends, we are hard workers, we are loving family members and spouses.

 

Sorry matzoball, that's divisive,judgemental and - more importantly - simply untrue. Autistic people can be all of those things and more, but so can non-autistic people. Autistic people are also capable of being disloyal, lazy, unappreciative and spiteful family members and spouses...

 

Autistic people are not 'better' than neurotypical people and they're not worse - they come in all the same colours, shapes and sizes and no more or less 'freaking awesome' collectively than the rest of the human race.

 

I do appreciate that you were trying to 'accentuate the positive' and I'm all for that, but to do so by making negative and prejuducial value judgements about everyone else isn't the right way to go about it. Two wrongs and all that...

 

L&P

 

(The Freakin' Awesome) BD

[KezT]

IYSWIM is "if you see what I mean"

 

if you want hot grls with no committment you'll have to pay - that's how those girls do things at your age... b hey don't care that much about who you are, just what you loook like and what they can get out of you. sad but true, cos human nature is what it is, and if you can, you might as well take what you can get... If you were looking for a bit more commitment, then I would offer different advice;)

 

As you said, the marines are VERY picky - even if you didn't have AS they may not have taken you for any kind of reason. If you really want a areer in the armed services, chose a different service. Otherwise, accept that you won't be a marine and move on & look at what else you would like to do. I know lots of people who were turned down for their choice of service first time, and then went on to say how lucky they had been as they had to either do something different, or taken some time out and go back to try again the following year, making their lives infinitely better in various ways than if they had got their first choice !

[matzoball]

.

Edited June 26, 2011 by matzoball

[matzoball]

Baddad - while I take on board what you are saying - and in hindsight yes it was a bit of a misguided answer. However making jabs at me - not appreciated. I have asked you in the past to not address me in anyway whatsoever. That's not changed.

[Hughey]

The biggest favour you could do for yourself right now is accepting yourself for who you are.

 

Once you accept and start to like yourself then everything else will follow.

 

Tbh, I'm starting to accept it. Not in the kind of way where I embrace my defect, just in the way where I just don't give a damn any more. Kinda happened today really, its been really hot and I just kinda raged myself out. Years of trying to change who I am, and look where it has got me... nowhere... You have just witnessed a really huge turning point in my life right now. I have never embraced anything I see as weakness like AS, but if I was born to be weak and defective, then whatever, I just don't care any more... at all... I really couldn't give any less of a damn...

 

I wasn't born to get what I want out of life and if I'll die this way then whatever. Its not like after I'm dead anything I did here on this earth will matter. So I'll just coast through it because I wont ever get what I want out of it so once again, I don't care any more.

 

I accept my AS defect, I was born with an incorrectly working brain and will die with it. I have been given everything I will need in life and AS has taken a huge vital part that holds it all together and there is nothing I can do. I will never be a great socializer, I will never have any interesting relationships and I will never be a real man. But whatever, I simply don't care. I will settle for an ugly fat girl who is as boring a person as me, or another girl on the spectrum and she will settle for because she doesn't want to die alone and we will have a passionless swamp of a relationship and if that's what's supposed to happen then fine, I don't care. I'll be 30 before you know it, then 40, 50, 60, 70, then dead. I don't care.

 

Instead of just being able to live a normal life, I'm part of a subculture of people who's lives used to make me cringe because I can see myself heading that way, but they don't any more because I don't care in the slightest, its all pointless, why try fight or change anything? I have AS and I am doomed to be like this for life and there is nothing I can do. I have fully embraced nihilism, I don't care, there is nothing else there that I want... I don't care...

 

A slightly out of balance rotor shaft buried deep inside a machine says "bet you can't find me" but I can.

 

A horrendously complicated manufacturing process that no one has yet cracked says "I've defeated you all" well not me you haven't !

 

Something that has never been measured accurately before says "I can keep my secrets from you". We'll see about that.

 

 

My expertise in engineering has been hard won, of all the professions I think it's the most egalitarian and open to those who are willing to work at it. As Thomas Edison said genius is 1% inspiration and 99% perspiration. People are fickle and hostile to those with AS. Machines welcomed me into their world from day 1. My parents said as much when they toured my factory, remarking that nothing had really changed - my toys had just got bigger and more expensive !

 

I feel much the same about trees.

 

On the Royal Marines issue -

 

So what if they don't want you ? Pursue your success elsewhere.

 

I don't even know what I wanted success in (I don't want anything any more, I don't care). I didn't even want success. Like I said, there is more to life that success, I didn't want money or a high paid job, I wanted to make enough money to get by and just do what I needed to do. I like tree surgery, its a okay paid job, its outside, and when I'm in a massive lime tree and using a chainsaw that is running at about 100 decibels, I don't have to be chatty or social, I can be free to concentrate on my job. I get to pick my own tools (Husqvarna for life!, screw Stihl!) and I don't want to be a team leader, I don't want to run my own company or makes laods of money, I qould be happy as a pig in poop working as an every day climbing tree surgeon. I would use the money to do stuff with my friends and try to make life interesting, fund various things and have a good time with the missus. But that ain't going to happen so ###### it. Do... Not.... Care.... Any... More....

 

IYSWIM is "if you see what I mean"

 

Oh.

 

if you want hot grls with no committment you'll have to pay - that's how those girls do things at your age... b hey don't care that much about who you are, just what you loook like and what they can get out of you. sad but true, cos human nature is what it is, and if you can, you might as well take what you can get... If you were looking for a bit more commitment, then I would offer different advice;)

 

I'm just not the real man that they want, so be it, my AS has stopped that and I don't care. I just want to be able to get laid, with the way I look I should be able to, but because of my weird, defective AS personality it makes it difficult for no reason, so I don't care.

 

As you said, the marines are VERY picky - even if you didn't have AS they may not have taken you for any kind of reason. If you really want a areer in the armed services, chose a different service. Otherwise, accept that you won't be a marine and move on & look at what else you would like to do. I know lots of people who were turned down for their choice of service first time, and then went on to say how lucky they had been as they had to either do something different, or taken some time out and go back to try again the following year, making their lives infinitely better in various ways than if they had got their first choice !

 

The Marines are the point. Its the toughest training to create tough people. Its supposed to put a boot in your butt and prepare you for the world, that's why my family are insistent that we all join. But I don't care any more so whatever. Let's just try and get through the next 50 years as quick as we can.

[baddad]

Baddad - while I take on board what you are saying - and in hindsight yes it was a bit of a misguided answer. However making jabs at me - not appreciated. I have asked you in the past to not address me in anyway whatsoever. That's not changed.

 

Matzoball - you can 'hide' my posts if you like using your 'settings' but you cannot expect me not to post replies to things you say when I disagree with the things you say. Neither the world, nor this forum, revolves around you. My post was not a 'jab' it was a reasonable objection to an objectionable post that suggested in no uncertain terms that autistic people are intrinsically 'better' than non autistic people. Had somebody made such a claim in the opposite direction I would have objected to that too, regardless of whoever posted it.

 

L&P

 

BD

[matzoball]

Matzoball - you can 'hide' my posts if you like using your 'settings' but you cannot expect me not to post replies to things you say when I disagree with the things you say. Neither the world, nor this forum, revolves around you. My post was not a 'jab' it was a reasonable objection to an objectionable post that suggested in no uncertain terms that autistic people are intrinsically 'better' than non autistic people. Had somebody made such a claim in the opposite direction I would have objected to that too, regardless of whoever posted it.

 

L&P

 

BD

 

i actually was okay with what you said baddad - but when you wrote '(the freaking awesome BD') - how could i not take that as anything but a jab? that's when you got my back up. i do hide your posts, but when it got pointed out to me that you are personally addressing something i have posted - i'll admit my curiousity got the better of me. more fool me i guess. and then to say something as hurtful as you just have about me being conceited enough as to think the world and the forum revolves around me? how could i not take that personally?

 

do you know what the really sad thing about this is? i actually like you. i think you have a fantastic sense of humour and i admire your take on life.

 

when i read back over what i said - yes it was a stupid thing to say, and i don't actually feel like that(we are all jock tamsons weans and all that) - but not everything i type on here is going to be perfect or well thought out. i'm only human.

Edited June 27, 2011 by matzoball

[baddad]

Hi Matzoball -

 

I've just noticed you edited your last post in a way that put mine completely out of context, so I've responded accordingly.

 

Considering the complete shift in emphasis you managed with that edit I feel completely safe in assuming that you knew/know exactly what you're doing...

 

read my first post again, and other than the humour (which you say you expect and anticipate and like in my posts) of the sign off tell me what you found objectionable, or what, indeed the helpful person who pointed out my post to you found objectionable.

 

From now on, if I see you've posted i'll wait a few hours until the 'edit' buitton will have disappeared because I really don't appreciate having someone go back and change something so completely that it looks like something has happened which has not. It's manipulative, pure and simple, and there really is no poliye way of dressing that up.

 

L&P

 

BD

 

 

L&P

 

BD

Edited June 27, 2011 by baddad

[matzoball]

The reason I went in and edited my post - was because I acted rashly and out of order. I literally posted, then immediately went back in and edited it because i was reacting out of anger and i did not want to take that out on you. It was in no way meant as manipulative. It wasn't meant to paint you in any kind of bad light.

 

As for expecting and anticipating - I did not say that. I said you have a fantastic sense of humour and admire your take on life - you are putting words in my mouth. I may have taken that literally but I do that.

 

You have jumped to conclusions without even asking me why I changed the posts - that's judgemental at best. I admit when I am wrong - I have done that twice in this thread - conceeding your very point - but you have taken that as me being conceited and manipulative.

 

You always have a problem with what I post on here - I accept and invite differing opinions, that's the point of a forum. There are ways and means of approaching someone when you feel what they say is wrong or have a different viewpoint to offer - I only have confrontations on this forum with you. If I really was this person that you think I am, then I would be having problems with everybody on here.

 

I work with 8 other people on the autistic spectrum - and I am on the spectrum myself - I deal with confrontations between them everyday and try to facilitate open and friendly communication which isn't easy - it frustrates me that I can't communicate in an open and friendly manner with you. That I will admit is a conceit that I have that I like to get on with everyone.

[baddad]

The reason I went in and edited my post - was because I acted rashly and out of order. I literally posted, then immediately went back in and edited it because i was reacting out of anger and i did not want to take that out on you. It was in no way meant as manipulative. It wasn't meant to paint you in any kind of bad light.

 

Then the 'painting in a bad light' was purely coincidental. You made an aggressive and accusatory post ending with the phrase (and I think it was in capitals but I'm not sure?): "Now Back Off...". Whether intentional or not, going back and editing that to leave something that was entirely 'reasonable' and innocuous was manipulative - it manipulated what people saw and put my reply (which I will add even after this was totally innocuous, merely stating that I would not be intimidated into not expressing my opinions) in a context which could be (and almost certainly if posted by me, on this forum by many would be) completely misinterpreted. To quote someone out of context is misleading enough - to 'destroy' the context in which they said it so they can't show the actual context goes one stage further.

 

As for expecting and anticipating - I did not say that. I said you have a fantastic sense of humour and admire your take on life - you are putting words in my mouth. I may have taken that literally but I do that.

 

You have jumped to conclusions without even asking me why I changed the posts - that's judgemental at best. I admit when I am wrong - I have done that twice in this thread - conceeding your very point - but you have taken that as me being conceited and manipulative.

In one post you said you were 'a bit misguided' and then went on to accuse me of taking 'jabs' at you, and implying - quite falsely - that at some point I have behaved so offessively towards you that you have been compelled to ask me not to 'address you in any way whatsoever'. If that is 'admitting you are wrong' or apologising in some way then it is so heavily disguised that i did not recognise it. The second time you 'admitted you were wrong' was in the very post under discussion that you (manipulatively) edited retrospectively!

 

You always have a problem with what I post on here - I accept and invite differing opinions, that's the point of a forum. There are ways and means of approaching someone when you feel what they say is wrong or have a different viewpoint to offer - I only have confrontations on this forum with you. If I really was this person that you think I am, then I would be having problems with everybody on here.

 

This is simply not true... to check I wasn't missing anything I've just gone back over every post you've made since November last year to see if I had inadvertantly been replying to stuff you posted without realising... I stopped at November (but feel free to trawl back further if that's not far enough), because the first thread I found where i had replied dirctly to you/one of your posts (other than in this thread) was one where you announced you had just got a new flat :

 

http://www.asd-forum.org.uk/forum/index.php?/topic/25689-i-got-a-flat/page__view__findpost__p__299283

 

hardly indicative of me having any 'problem' with you, is it?

 

And, again, in what way, other than your interpretation, was my original post 'confrontational'?

 

I work with 8 other people on the autistic spectrum - and I am on the spectrum myself - I deal with confrontations between them everyday and try to facilitate open and friendly communication which isn't easy - it frustrates me that I can't communicate in an open and friendly manner with you. That I will admit is a conceit that I have that I like to get on with everyone.

 

I'm sure you can communicate in an 'open and friendly manner' with me if you choose to do so, but to do that you will need to read what I write without taking offense at things that aren't there and without responding aggressively and in an accusatory or manipulative manner when you do take offense at things that aren't there.

 

And for the record, I've got no problem with aggressive posts from people who don't like what I have to say - I'm very VERY used to them! What I do like, though, is accuracy...

 

L&P

 

BD

Edited June 27, 2011 by baddad

[dm2010]

"The Marines are the point. Its the toughest training to create tough people. Its supposed to put a boot in your butt and prepare you for the world, that's why my family are insistent that we all join."

 

This is a very popular view, to a point where everyone thinks it is actually true including most of the media. Tough it certainly is and all credit to those who complete it but the mystique attached to it is in my view excessive.

 

One could argue that the getting a high level professional qualification is just as difficult if not more so. The dropout rate is very high and the willpower to do it has to be sustained over 6 years with you supplying all your own motivation, not the 9 months that it takes a Royal Marine to train with a drill instructor telling you what to do.

 

I would ask the question too - does being a Royal Marine really prepare you for later life ? Perhaps. But I would argue that professional training is more likely to earn you a consistent living.

[Kathryn]

Matzoball,Baddad, enough already!

 

Please take this confrontation elsewhere.

 

 

Thread closed