Enforcing social situations?

[KezT]

DS is 11 now. We went to a big family Xmas meal last night and it was a disaster - culminating in me leaving him to sit in the car for the last 30 mins or so to ensure no-one murdered him!

 

He was much happier there, the rest of the restuarant was happier, and we could all enjoy our meal without constantly draggng him back to the table/telling him off/saving cousins from his "play" etc.....

 

My question is, should I carry on making him attend big family events? I know he finds them stressful - so do I when he comes with, but equally, he will be expected to attend a variety of major celebration events throughout his life. Am I better to keep dragging him along in the hope that he'll learn how to cope, or should I let him off on the principle that by the time he's an adult and has to attend, he may well have found other coping tsrategies?

 

My (undx'd) brother detests al familoy events, but manages to turn up to weddings, funerals and major birthdays, and behave (mostly) appropriately so there is an expectation that DS ought to attend

[sesley]

some people just can't handle social situations is there any particular parts he finds particularly stressful?next time you go to a venue,ask if there is a quite corner/p;ace for you son to de stress in,with a book or a dslite game what ever.

 

mine went to school dance last night,he wanted to go,but he needed a time out time so the school provided a doddle board for him and he did use it when things got a little stressful, it was enough for him to then go back and enjoy the dance.

[spam390]

Hi there,

 

Are you suggesting/assuming that he will force himself to attend future gatherings as an adult from a sense of family duty? At least that's how I understood it. Perhaps he WILL end up like your brother, but perhaps not. He may well avoid such gatherings as an adult, due to the stress they put him under.

 

The family must understand that he does and will view these gatherings in an entirely different way from them. For your son they are NOT filled with happiness, joy, etc but are maybe ear splittingly loud, completely confusing and fraught with opportunities to 'get it wrong'.

 

I am aware that children need to be 'prepared' for what they will have to face in life, and I teach my children how to cope in a multitude of stressful situations they will have to negotiate as adults, however I would ask my family to either be far more tolerant of my child during such gatheringsi.e. they should be encouraged to be supportive as they are aware of his difficulties (perhaps explaining exactly what it is he has difficulties with e.g. loud noises, smells, food, textures, following the conversation etc.), or ask them to visit in smaller numbers at your home where he may be better able to cope.

 

I sense your own stress with these gatherings too, and perhaps the feeling of being 'judged' by your family is dulling your own intuitions concerning these gatherings?

 

Trust your instincts and try not to be influenced by others opinions or expectations. You are the one who best understands both your son and your family dynamics, and I'm sure you can come up with a solution which will suit your family.

 

Merry Xmas X

[butterfly73]

When I read the word "enforce", my heart sank.. (I'm sorry..)

As a SALT I work with loads of kids who have different types of sensory issues.. In autism the primairy feeling is fear for they are overwhelmed..

Imagine, so to speak, putting yourself in your kids place: Would you like to attend a family dinner with new inlaws after a overly busy week & all normal daily issues, combined with the stress of not finding the right clothes and being in a traffic jam.. That's kinda stress level is how your kid feels.. Unknown territory, people, food, sound: Every noise, (sudden) movement, person, light, taste, smell can trigger some level of panic..

 

Be very aware that: Usually kids with autism have a keen sense of what one ought to do, and feel a great need to comply/conform as far as they can..

They would lóve to fit in.. and do there utmost.. (but for you or from within.. that is quite a different intention!!)

But it can rebound on them later.. So instead of forcing him, try and get him interested.. gradually, make it a theme!

 

I guess you'd líke him to attend and enjoy himself.. There are just too much things that he can not anticipate..

If you really think about it: You'd like for him to come to you and be interested in such a thing as a restaurant ;-) Thus how can you creatively get him interested in such?!

Also you'd need to knwo what calmes him down, does certain music work, or a quiet place, or a deep hug..?

It would help if he'd already been in that place, maybe even twice.. once when quiet, and once when busy.. You could ask the owner if he/she'd be interested to show him around (would make him feel highly special indeed, <glow!> Maybe help a cook a little.. Seeing what they make and how, can also decrease anxiety..

Discuss what is interesting and what is bit scary.. and try to work out together what you'd like to tackle.. Give him some responsability (could be a choice between two if an open question makes him close up..) and let him decide what he'd like to tackle..

 

Good luck and enjoy ;-)

Love, Bfly

Edited December 21, 2011 by butterfly73

[justine1]

Hi

 

I agree with some of the suggestions being made,like maybe doing things on a smaller scale. You don't have to take him to every social event in the year,I guess it depends on how social your family are and to weigh up whether you have/need to attend.

 

I would say from my experience distraction works well and can be used on a reward basis. So drawing or even a handheld console could help when things get out of hand,but the balance would need to be right in that he would need to engage for part of the event.

 

Over the weekend I took my four boys to a proper resturant something I have not done in at least two years because of how the behave and how stressed I get. I chose somewhere where I knew the catered for kids,they got an activity pack to keep busy.I played a game with Sam and Josh played with Dan,and they coloured as well. I knew when the food was about to come so asked them nicely to pack everything away and they did. They all ate everything they had ordered. They did become restless while waiting for their ice cream but it was after 1hr 40min of being there and they did listen when I told them to sit etc. I definatley agree with the comment about if you are stressed the child will be too, I have recently noticed when we go out shopping etc,if I am well organised and relaxed the kids appear to cope better.

 

So I would say if you have a plan like say you going at a certain time and have a time limit it will help. If you know where you are going to eat etc get him to chose what he wants before you leave and take something with to keep him occupied.

[Lynden]

I'm undecided on this one. L really struggles with social events - he gets unbelievably anxious and because he is very sound sensitive he finds it quite distressing. But, there are times where he will have to tolerate it to an extent so we try to find a happy medium. If we do go out we will try and find somewhere that will suit him, so a restaurant with a window onto a road for example so he can lose himself watching cars. We have my sisters wedding next year, which is going to be incredibly difficult for him for so many reasons, new people, completely new place, noise, different clothes etc etc. We are going to have a back up plan where his respite carer will come with us so that he can dip in and out of the day as much as he can tolerate, and the rest of us can still enjoy parts of the day too.

 

Butterfly73 I think it's a bit of a generalisation to say that usually kids with autism have a keen sense of what one ought to do, and feel a great need to comply/conform as far as they can. I think that hugely depends on the child, and on their level of functioning too. My son for example, has no concept that he is different from anyone else, and no desire to conform to any socially acceptable norm. I think it's fair to say a big majority of the autistic kids I know would be similar, but many would be considered lower functioning or classically autistic.

 

We do try and teach L, and gently increase his tolerance of social situations and it's working so now we can go out, but by the same note if he has been having a really difficult day, we wouldn't then expect him to be able to go out to a social function which would just end up being too much.

 

Lynne

[darkshine]

I used to hate going to family events as a kid- and I still hate going to them now - here's the thing though...

 

I hate it before the event, nearly every single time, but sometimes I enjoy it when I'm there, or enjoy a part of the occasion, I'd hate to be the one always left behind because I'm too much hassle... and sometimes I am left behind even as an adult and it totally sucks... even when I sometimes feel good for a bit that I got out of it - I still don't like being the only one who doesn't go along...

[KezT]

I used to hate going to family events as a kid- and I still hate going to them now - here's the thing though...

 

I hate it before the event, nearly every single time, but sometimes I enjoy it when I'm there, or enjoy a part of the occasion, I'd hate to be the one always left behind because I'm too much hassle... and sometimes I am left behind even as an adult and it totally sucks... even when I sometimes feel good for a bit that I got out of it - I still don't like being the only one who doesn't go along...

 

Darkshine - that's one of the things that really worries me - he has low enough self esteem as it is, without feeling that we don't want to take him out with us because he's hard work!

[Tally]

I do think you need to keep taking him to family events because he does need to learn how to cope with them and other stressful situations. He doesn't necessarily need to enjoy them, but he does need to cope with them.

 

But I think you also need to help him learn the skills. Most young children would find something like eating in a restaurant difficult, but they naturally learn as they get older how to behave. In ASD this learning does not always happen naturally.

 

If it's a case of not knowing how to behave, social stories might be helpful for teaching him how people behave in a restaurant.

 

If it's to do with becoming overwhelmed, you might look at coping strategies such as wearing noise-cancelling headphones, things to distract him, taking him outside for short breaks before he becomes overwhelmed (Lynden's idea of taking a carer so you can stay and enjoy is a good one). If you can get an understanding of what exactly are the difficult aspects, it will help you with this.

[Dijac]

Hi,

 

I do as the others suggest with my son, 12, and we bring his DS or his i pod with ear phones - that way, if things get too much, he can switch off a bit. I generally make sure he sits next to me too, so I can try and divert things if he seems to be getting stressed.

 

Also for him, he likes to have a calm place to walk up and down - it's his de-stress ritual, so I try to check put a place he can do that too.

 

Failing that, you could do the other thing that works for us, and move to another country - makes a good excuse for not coming to family gatherings. (Joke - sort of)

 

Diane

[cmuir]

Hi

 

Don't think there's an easy answer. My son is 10 now, but when he was much younger he used to behave abominably at soft play areas, parties, parks, etc. Clearly, kiddo struggled to cope, however, I felt that if I took the easy option and simply didn't take him to such places (subject him to such environments), then he was never going to learn how to cope with them - but rather, there was potential for him to gain enjoyment like most other kids his age. I used to have to force myself to take him (his behaviour used to draw attention to us, which I used to hate) and although it took around 8/9 months, it was something he was able to learn how to behave with guidance. Same used to apply to eating out etc. It's been a massive learning curve, and by no means easy. I think it's difficult getting a balance between assessing what kiddo can manage (what is realistic/achievable), taking baby steps if necessary, as well as what's just too much (could potentially be very damaging). Is is possible for you to chat to him and establish what it is that he finds difficult and then work out a plan of action? Might be worth breaking him in gently by:

 

- to start with eating out in restaurants at quiet times (so there's a few people around, but so it's not too noisy, busy, etc (sensory overload) where his favourite food is available

- specifically requesting to be located in a quieter area

- allow him to choose a friend (if he has one) or take something with him that will help distract him or keep him focussed e.g. ipod, PSP, etc

- set expectations as well as an action plan e.g. stay for however long, if it gets noisey/too busy we can sit outside, sit in car, etc etc - perhaps a clumsy analogy, but I try to encourage my son to taste food that he wouldn't normally eat and he now knows that at worst if he doesn't like it, he can spit it out and take a drink of water. If there's a 'get out' plan then that can sometimes provide reassurance to try something that's tricky as they know how they can get out of that situation if they can't cope

 

I obviously don't know how your son is affected by AS or anything else about him really, but could it be that things are particularly difficult for him at this time of year, and/or things are worsened because hormones are kicking in? Guess all of that needs to be taken into account.

 

Best wishes.

 

Caroline.

[darkshine]

Darkshine - that's one of the things that really worries me - he has low enough self esteem as it is, without feeling that we don't want to take him out with us because he's hard work!

I think you should take him when you can, for all the reasons other people have already said - but allow him that degree of "getting away" if he needs it - short stints in the car or a DS or whatever he's into that's portable and non-intrusive for everyone else - I still have a DS that I occasionally take out (yes at 30) and sometimes a book or mp3 player.

 

My parents made me go to every family gathering that happened - unless I was ill - and although I didn't enjoy them all that much, in fact I hated some of them! It probably has helped in the long run cuz I saw what families are, saw different people, went different places - and the biggest non-selfish reason is that the other people there really seemed happy to have me there - even if I wasn't always happy to be there

 

So yeah, I definitely think that benefits a kid, it taught me that sometimes there are just things that you have to do - even when they seem pointless - like learning that things have to be for someone else sometimes too - even when it doesn't make sense at the time - cuz believe me, when I used to be stuck in my boring grandparents house I couldn't wait to leave - but now, I regret not making more effort - so maybe its a lesson you have to do for years before you realise what it was all for.

 

Hope this makes sense

 

Best

 

Darkshine

 

PS - there was the odd occasion now and then that I enjoyed as a kid, once they'd dragged me there

 

Edit - plus I know I can go to a large gathering if required because I know I've done it plenty of times before - it kinda helps having that experience of noise, crowds, and not having one-to-one focus - because the world isn't quiet, its hectic - just like family events - they are like a stepping stone for learning how to cope, in a pretty safe environment - even if it takes some of us a lot longer to learn to cope well

Edited December 22, 2011 by darkshine

[trekster]

When I enter a social situation I have to arrive early and be near the door or the toilets (which I can hide in if the stimulation overloads me), I like to get used to the environment before the people arrive.

 

Also there needs to be a designated end time, if it's a meal for example that end time could be '10 minutes after we have finished eating', catching the bus home meant I had a reason to leave which was another necessity. Also a reason why I am going somewhere eg celebrating someone's birthday or having a Xmas meal together (which happens to be what I'm hosting tomorrow).

 

Are there any behaviours that your son does that could be accepted by the group? When I was a teenager puzzle books were the only thing that got me out to a meal.

[sesley]

I think everyone is different and react differently to whatever situations they are in. Its working out what works and what does not. Autism is such a complex things and so many different challenges to it and i think its cruel to make people who find things very difficult to just get on with it. You need to find out what parts upsets your lad. Is it the smells?does he dislike certain foods and smells the noise,the lights,crowds etc.any one of these things if he has difficultys with could make him on appearence misbehave,when in fact he is trying to make sense of it all. Put yourself in his shoes,by imagining you are in a foreign country,not knowing the customs,culture or language and then having to find your way around . How daunting is that?And thats what its like for a person on the spectrum being pushed into stressful situations. Before you go into anything again,Find out about the venue.the people and what happens and find away to prepare your child and have ready a quiet place,ear phones off a ipod perhaps and things like a doddle board,where he can distress if needed.Find away using social stories etc and prepare him for whats to come. No one likes to be put into situations unprepared the anxietys just build up.

[KezT]

Looking back on it, I don't thnk that the problem is eventhat he dislikes big events really - it's more that hs behaviour his totaly inappropriate for the situation, and he gets over-exited by the event and so his behaviour is even more inappropriate. In reality he was behaving like ay two or three year old in that situation - he started off OK, just moaning that he was hungry, but astime worse on he became bored of sitting still and started wandering around, then as time wore on and he became more excitable and started running around, souting, flapping etc....

 

Its annoying when toddlers do that in restuarants, but people accept that they are not going to sit at a table for two hours or more, but DS is 5'4 and nearly 11 stone - his runing around was more annoying, more dangerous (several other diners had their tables/chairs knocked flying) and less acceptable:(

 

Will definitely have to be a bit more organised in future and set some ground rules for escaping/DS playing etc. But the thing is, he CAN behave very well for a meal out on a one to one basis. so I naivily thought he would do so in a larger setting.....

 

Ho hum... I'm feeling less stressed now at least:)

[ASD-DAD]

Completley understand with what you go through. We always find there will be something sets him off, whether its the food, noise, seating, he also gets very impatient and what seems like a few minutes to us tends to get exaggerated in his head as being ages. He then gets anxious, and is then more likely to kick off, so it can be a viscous circle.

 

Tend to avoid any busy places these days, and either eat very early or sometmes takeaway. Doesn't directly address the problem, but maybe we will have to work on that gradually. Either that or we end up bribing him with sweets or something - which really isn't ideal.

 

It would be great if he could learn to hold it together so we could have a family meal, but I also think he's not really into the whole ambience thing, rather just sees eating as a function.

[trekster]

One social situation that needs careful preparation is Xmas sorry that this message might be too late for some.

 

We were 1 hour late to the Xmas dinner so the turkey and ham were put on late. This meant that 'top of the pops' started 5 mins after the Xmas dinner. Family knew about my routine of 'top of the pops' live and uninterrupted (ie no recording as not the same later on) beforehand so I collected my dinner and had it in the lounge despite protestations from people trying to get me to make last minute changes and eat with them. Xmas and last minute changes are a recipe for disaster.

 

A meal is a meal and provided it is edible and free from my allergies where I eat it should be irrelevant. My uncle later came in and offered me more dinner so that upset about being pushed to sit at the table (no telling me your would enjoy my company or missing me if im out the room for less than an hour will make sense) became minor.

 

My brother was referred to as 'better than me' because he was helping to clear the table even though I had just explained why I was unable to clear the table (combination of loud mother and heavy plates after I had damaged my shoulder moving her heavy food shopping the other day). I planned to do some drinks instead but mum stepped in and did them before I had a chance to do something I had just sat down.

 

Next was more social time except there isn't a definite end point to this, starting with presents which due to my HMS were very difficult to carry in. I have been in a pain scale of 9/10 most of today especially my shoulders, ankles and knees. Afterwards I attempted to start a game but my brother took over and started his which because it was aimed at more intelligent folk (so much for doing something just for fun) people were ignoring my 'next lines' game and avoiding mine. This got me very upset so I carried on pausing the track (the idea is you say or sing the next line but there is a quiz in there as well) with the Xmas music in one ear and my mum shouting at me and calling me pathetic, childish, insisting I tell her how long the game has to last (can't if the song is playing and I don't know how long they are going to be or when i am likely to end). All I was doing was going back to the beginning of the track because I kept forgetting to pause it.

 

My mum has been accused of ruining Xmas by my Gran for shouting at me, to which she shouted atb me more calling me selfish and all the negative labels you give to someone in an attempt to force autism out of them (this is the sort of person who insists you are cheeky for taking any saying literally).

 

I'm too scared to enter into trivial questions after the severe meltdown I had last year. In previous years we have had successful 'name that tune' games'. Everything about Xmas apart from where we sit (to a degree has to be planned out in order for me to feel safe. My mum has got me so on edge hating my autism and blaming me for it since I was a kid which is why it is so severe. I told her that tonight but her defence is that it is only mildly (which she uses for every autistic behaviour including the common ones). Anyone know of a professional that could re-diagnose me with ASD instead of 'so called' mild aspergers?

 

My mum is now lying down the phone to relatives that have just phoned or trying to exclude me 'we've had a lovely time' that's either a lie or she's excluding me in the we've part.

 

All I ask for Xmas is for my family to understand and accept my autism and HMS but they don't seem willing (or able in my Gran's case as she's quite badly affected by suspected HMS herself).

 

I am now hiding in the study away from the family, maybe I put too much pressure on myself by not disappearing for an hour or 2 after the present rush? I just feel so out of place in the present discussion part about what we got and how to thank the person and how long that discussion will last before the games part. I'm trying to end Xmas on a good note by playing games but it seems to be backfiring because if someone else gets a game that takes precedence apart from next year playing games before the presents? But then folk would be impatiently waiting for their pressies.

[shas]

My 26 yr old son, once a teenager, never went to any family do`s and to this day does not, not even funerals or weddings, as long as he is happy, that is fine.