Utterley horrified dont know what to do

[Paula]

I just dont know what to do and dont even want to post about it but im hopeing someone can offfer advice anything.

 

My son is 18 and his behaviour as always been a bit weird........dont want to go into loads of detailes but he wears femal underwear on a night in bed....i let him get on with it i attempted to put a stop to it but he just robbed it from his sister or the laundrey basket its been going on for years he says it makes him feel happy...........ive asked questions or tried to like are you gay he says no,do you feel like youre a boy/man yes he says i am a boy, do you want to wear full female dress,he says no just knickers on a night in bed.............Latley ive noticed him staring at me in a weird way ...........i feel utterly sickened........sometimes his dad my husband works away from home and last week my son said come and sit next to me mum i did he then proceaded to say would you like me to sleep in youre bed seem as dads away i immediatley said no youre a grown boy and its totaaly not appropriate he said but youll be lonely............i must admit i was scared and told me husband that i was frightened incase he entered the bedroom and my bed whilst i was sleeping..........today ive come home and hes been on the internet and has forgotten to clear his history...............i am utterley hrrified that hes been viewing sights talking about how to seduce youre mum and how to go about haveing a intimate relationsip with her............i dont know what to do im so shocked and disgusted.........ive not said anything to him i darent.............ive basically put a password on any sights that invovle sexual content so he cant look at these sights anymore............

 

Could it be hes confused...he has said he wants a girlfreind......could it be hes mixed up............i dont know but its something i dont know how to handle............

 

I understand that anone who wishes to advise or share there experiance of anything remotley like this may wish to do so in private so please message me.

 

I think i may have to go see the gp and speak to her about this behaviour..............

[oxgirl]

Firstly, I would advise don't panic!! I know it's disturbing but I do think this is a normal stage of development. I think that as a young guy matures and starts to awaken sexually they will inevitably 'look' at the females close to them in a different way. I know I have caught my 18 year old checking out my boobs and he could be imagining all sorts for all I know.

 

I think it would be helpful if you could try and stay calm and make sure that your lad understands where the boundaries lie between you and him. I do remember my husband saying something once about young teenage lads having 'strange' thoughts about their mums, don't know if he was speaking from experience, but I do think as a young guy grows up and becomes more aware then he's bound to see women in a different light and as sexual beings suddenly. I know one autistic lad who calls his mum sexy and likes to touch her boobs. He doesn't have the awareness to understand boundaries and doesn't know how inappropriate this is, though.

 

It's unfortunate that you saw the sites he was looking at as this is bound to have freaked you out but I would try not to over-react too much, if that's possible.

 

~ Mel ~

Edited June 26, 2012 by oxgirl

[A-S warrior]

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[darkshine]

My brother went through a weird stage with my sister, she refused to ever be alone in the same room as him, looking back I think he was sort of experimenting with his sexuality with her as girls at school would have nothing to do with him, and she was a "safe" person - it really scared her though as he'd try to kiss her all the time but not in a brotherly way...

 

He grew out of it... eventually.

 

I think Mel's opinions are very reasonable.

 

Having said that I'm sure it would freak most people out if they were in that situation because our society tells us it is wrong.

 

I'd continually explain the "rules" of behaviour within a family and keep boundaries very clear. I think he's probably doing something similar to what my brother did, I think my brother was confused, and you are a safe person to test things with - but he needs to know you are the wrong person, don't get angry, stay calm and stick to your guns. There may need to be some honest talks about this with him, and I would say get your husband on side with this one.

 

Exploring sexuality is a confusing thing for some young adults - when you have raging hormones, it seems possible to me that thoughts and desires get placed onto the wrong person - especially when things are confusing enough for young adults with an ASD.

 

But he really needs to understand that his affections for you in that way, are misplaced and not allowed, and if you can somehow either direct them elsewhere or reduce the fixation then that is step one.

 

Seeking outside help form a GP or other professional is an option to consider - that is your choice to make - what you don't want is him clamming up and continuing the fixation - and only you and your family can decide whether you want to try some talks with him first or whether to go to the GP straight away or not.

 

As for the underwear, I'd probably try and get him his own underwear to reduce the connection to you or his sister - girls underwear can be very sensual, it might just feel nice - but it's still better if it's his own rather than anyone's in the family. That way it reduces the chances of things in his mind getting mixed up you know? Underwear is a personal thing for a lot of people - and wearing someone else's could increase the chance of other thoughts and stuff....

 

Best wishes

 

Darkshine

[LancsLad]

I support everything which has been said so far.

 

The underwear thing is that female underwear is of a far higher standard than what is available in mens lines, both in detail and in the quality of fabric. The answer here is for him to get his own and not pinch his sisters stuff.

 

When it comes to delaing with new emergent emotions things might be more difficult. I think a big element here is about restraint. Your son has a new layer of thoughts which have developed as part of the maturing process we all go through. What he is possibly finding difficult is to hold onto these thoughts until he finds an appropriate and importanlty willing individual to explore these new concepts with. Because restraint is difficult he may well have transposed his thinking onto someone who he is familiar with his mum. My imediate reaction was rather his mum than his siter in this instance.

 

I think in many ways this is something to start off having a conversation with alongside your partner, and then I very much feel it should be over to him to deal with it and acts as the role model in this. I would take a very firm approach with my son on this one but one grounded in a level of understanding.

 

Paula I can understand why you are shocked its a natural reaction, and I think you are pretty upfront coming onto the forum about it which shows a level of honesty which is going to be an important tool in dealing with your son. If you partner is away at the moment it is not right that you should be anxious about your own security for a number of days and I would be upfront with your son and explain your feelings, you are the mature one in this issue and your thoughts and actions need to take the lead in proceedings. I would also ask your partner to have a word with him over the phone and lay the boundaries down in a very firm manner.

 

Best of luck parenting is never easy.

[A-S warrior]

.........................

Edited June 26, 2012 by A-S warrior

[matzoball]

A-S Warrior - That is really, really inappropriate.

 

Paula, I can't even imagine how you must feel right now. But I think this is down to him not knowing what the right outlet for his emerging sexual feelings are. It would be natural for both you and your husband to overreact, but I think a situation like this calls for more patience than usual. I really do think you need to have him referred to adult psychological services, not because I think he is crazy, but they will hopefully give you the support you need to show him that this is unacceptable behaviour and to guide him to more appropriate avenues of outlet.

 

It's not anything you've done, please remember that - it could be that because you are the only woman he feels comfortable with and trusts, he thinks that's the right thing to do because he's a man, and you're a woman, and that's what men and women do. He seems to have taken the actual family side of things out of the equation and is going along a kind of logic in his head. I think re-enforcement by you and your husband in a firm but understanding way that it is unacceptable because you are his mother will eventually sink in and he will begin to realize that those feelings are meant to happen the way they happen for everyone else e.g. girls outside the family in an appropriate way.

[A-S warrior]

A-S Warrior - That is really, really inappropriate.

 

apon reflection you are right, its just darkshine and lancs are pepole i consider friends and we joke about.

[matzoball]

That's fair enough, just the wrong place to do it is all...

[Sally44]

I think it maybe worth a visit to your GP to talk about it and ask for a referal to a psychology service that has experience of working with young adults on the spectrum. I think you need some advice and re-assurance on how to handle this. However, in balance, you have come across what he was looking at on the internet because he was careless. I'm sure there are lots of other people looking at worse types of websites, or thinking things that we never get access to.

 

But I think some professional advice for you, and maybe some counselling for your son would be helpful because he needs to know what is appropriate and what isn't.

[Mandapanda]

Hi Paula

 

I think what the others are saying is right.

 

My eldest went through a phase of trying to touch my boobs (when stroking the cat on my lap, or hugging me). I just kept gently guiding his hand away without saying anything and it did pass.

 

Your son loves you and trusts you and feels safe with you. It is inappropriate, but it's understandable he would direct these emotions towards you initially. It might be difficult for him to cope with these feelings and you've always done your best to help him. In this situation it's a case of making it clear he can't do this but without making him feel disgusting (I appreciate how hard that might be!).

 

This will pass, try not to worry unnecessarily about it, look at any programme about the Romans and it was perfectly normal for them! He just needs guiding through this.

[LancsLad]

Mandapanda, just wanted to say brilliant point about the Romans!

 

Without doubt cultural perceptions play a massive part in our society. In other words we allow what other people might think, say or do play a very significant part in how we define what we do in our own lives. What we need to do is think for ourselves in trying to work things through at a basic human level and sometimes that might mean ignoring some cultural values because they simply do not fit the reality of what is happening.

 

We might say the culture of the Romans was bad or we might not, but we might also look to other cultures where there is likewise close bonds between mothers and sons which are maintained throughout their lives far more than in our culture. Some cultures for example breast feed to a much later stage than we tend to do in our society. When cutlral pressure gets twisted we get to situations as I saw on the national news last week where breast implants are an issue as a result of young mothers going for surgery because their 'boobs' changed following the birth of their first child, so maybee culture doesn't always get it right.

 

I for one am not too bothered about guys wearing womens lingerie as long as its their own, this might not be the cultural norm but I am not too bothered about that. In a similar way I was not too bothered about talking about and trying to help my mother when she had a mysectomy and had one of her breasts removed. In reality I think I might have been the one person who didn't within our family and being able to compare shape and form and weights of artifical units with my mothers natural breast form was I think of support both practically and importantly psychologically. Many people might have felt my approach was inappropriate but without such approaches how were two humans to get through a difficult time in their lives and make progress in a constructive way?

 

The point i want to make here is that within our society one or two reasonably small actions can easily lead to us flipping a switch in our heads and getting things out of perspective. We have to understand that individuals, and importantly individuals with conditions such as AS will have developmental delays in respect to maturity which can be out of phase with physical developments. Trying to square such things in our minds are difficult. For me it does not matter if I wear ladies underwear or have fantisised about my mother at times, I may have I may not, what is important is in thinking why might someone think this way, what would be the reason and motives and to get these thoughts and actions in some form of proportionate perspective in respect to the other elements of their lives. Often the answer might not be to adopt the cultural position as a knee jerk reaction but to sit down and talk things through at a human level.

 

Just a few thoughts.

[darkshine]

Paula,

 

I'd just like to know what you think about all this - I believe there's been some excellent points made - but it isn't me who matters, it's you and your family and your son. Have you found any of this helpful? Do you think that there's a way through it? Do you feel like you can cope? Can you see a light at the end of the tunnel (however small)? And do you feel any better about any of this by looking at it in different ways?

 

Regards

 

Darkshine

[bobbybaggio]

I was like your son when I was his age and it just took me longer to understand what was/wasn't appropriate. I still get some inappropriate thoughts and have just learned to have a quick think about whether it's something I should say or act out. So I think with some guidance and time he'll be ok.

[Paula]

Sorry its taken me so long to get back.............my computer was sent of for repaire.Youre advice has been very helpfull.My son has never treid to touch me ...............

[sesley]

mine is 12 and he is fascinated with my boobs. he has a a go at grabbing at them so i say a firm no definately never to anyone else because body parts are private.He still has a little go go but i make sure he understands no,he also likes to come up to me and bury his face in my chest and has a good sniff. You and your husband need to talk openly about sex with your lad a let him ask questions. Get him to understand what is appropriate and what is not. He is proberly very curious so its very important to treat him like any other child i know he is 18 but his mental age proberly does not match his chronological age and talk to him about human relationships and body parts and what they do, you can proberly get books about exlaining sex and human relationships to him from the National Autistic society.

Edited July 4, 2012 by sesley

[trekster]

http://www.autism.org.uk/living-with-autism/communicating-and-interacting/sex-education-and-children-and-young-people-with-an-asd.aspx

[darkshine]

Sorry its taken me so long to get back.............my computer was sent of for repaire.Youre advice has been very helpfull.My son has never treid to touch me ...............

 

I hope that the situation can turn around, for everyone's sake, if things don't improve or worsen you might have to seek further help or support for yourself, your son and your family

 

Best wishes

 

Darkshine

[trekster]

i think your sons naivety has been abused by those websites on the internet and im disgusted at their behaviour OP.

[Paula]

Theres been no weirdness this past week or so................i did speak to him in a round about way about it.........i mentioned that hed forgotten to wipe his history on the computer and id seen something worrying.he denied everything got quiete angry i didnt confront him anyfurther i just said that it wasnt appropriate and that if he was worried over anything confused ect then please speak to me or someone...........i left it at that.

 

As an added precaution ive reset all the passwords on the pc and he no longer as acess..........hopefully it will break him of the habit of viewing strange things or stumbling across weird stuff.............

 

Ive also stepped back a bit..by that i mean i kinda over saw his personal hygene ie made sure he was washed,shaved ect if left to his own devices he never washes or uses soap..........but ive kinda left him to it a bit more reduced my invovlement........in an ideal world his dad would sort out this part of his life but hes at work and my son is used to me being the carer............

 

Like people have said just because hes 18 doesnt mean hes 18 in the head hes looking for answeres maybe mixed up but the internet and its odd ball sites are not the place to find them...........i will try and find a book on the subject of aspies and sex......i get me books from that jessica kingsley place.............

 

Oh for the days when all i had to worry over were bowel problems..............

 

Thanks

[Mandapanda]

Hi Paula

 

 

Oh for the days when all i had to worry over were bowel problems..............

 

Thanks

 

I totally agree, and I do feel for you <'>

[darkshine]

Hi Paula,

 

As much as I think you can't withhold the internet forever, it may be a good move in the short term to break the habit, because some things can get addictive - at some point in the future it might be an idea to rebuild trust and access to the internet - possibly with you over-seeing or depending how clever your son is with computers you can install netnanny type programs that prevent certain content from being viewed.

 

I think confronting him could be a good idea too, so he's knows it isn't appropriate. And It also sounds like a good idea for him to take care of his personal hygiene requirements too.

 

 

The link Trekster put up has some information http://www.autism.or...ith-an-asd.aspx

 

But I am 100% certain I have seen a book on this mentioned somewhere - will just go and check that

 

http://www.jkp.com/c.../9781843101895/

 

This one seems to have relatively good reviews - but I haven't read it - you would need to research it more... and it isn't the one I had in mind but I really cannot remember what it was called.

 

 

I think you are right to remember that he may not be 18 in all aspects of his life, I remember when I was 18 and I honestly was a few years behind other people my age in many areas - it seems less of an issue the older I get - but at the age of your son and for people a little older or younger - even a couple of years of developmental difference can be a pretty big difference.

 

The hardest thing may well be trying to talk about things with him - as a society we can be pretty uptight, sex is not a subject that everyone is comfortable with, and there may need to be conversations about this as you guide him through this time - the thing is - sex isn't something shameful, it's a natural thing, possibly reading up on the subject more could help you with this - although your son may not wish to discuss it...

 

Here's a couple of links that may or may not be of interest.

 

http://www.myasperge...-sex-education/

 

http://www.myasperge...-education.html

 

I just want to say that I respect not only the fact that you have been able to talk about this subject when it has clearly been difficult, and I hope you feel less alone with it and more in control of the situation, it seems to me that it hasn't been easy for you to talk about all this, and I really admire your guts for doing so, because I think it was the right thing to do.

 

Best wishes

 

Darkshine

[matzoball]

I just want to say that I respect not only the fact that you have been able to talk about this subject when it has clearly been difficult, and I hope you feel less alone with it and more in control of the situation, it seems to me that it hasn't been easy for you to talk about all this, and I really admire your guts for doing so, because I think it was the right thing to do.

 

Best wishes

 

Darkshine

 

Hear, hear.