This is all new to me.....but this forum has truly opened my eyes!

[chunkymonkey]

Hello, I've recently joined and thought I should introduce myself.

 

Sorry in advance if this is long! I have a lot to get off my chest

 

I have been married to my husband for 4 years, we've been together for 6 years altogether. We're both in our 40s, this was our first marriage (although we both have grown-up children from previous relationships).

 

Since the first moment I met him, I knew he was 'special', very sensitive, almost child-like and needed someone to take care of him. Although he was very secretive about his past, I quickly gathered that he'd had a rough ride and a very chaotic life up to that point, going from bad relationship to bad relationship, never really having a home (he'd spent most of his life lodging with family members), he wasn't good at taking care of himself physically, it seemed like he'd never really been able to hold down a job for any length of time (he'd been self-employed for a few years when we met), etc.

 

I'm the total opposite - ordered, sensible, a bit straight-laced, I like to conform, I pay my bills on time, I've never been out of work, I've always made a home for myself, etc

 

I quickly fell in love with him - together, we seemed to compensate for each other's failings, I kept him organised and settled and he gave me a new child-like way of viewing the world and loosened me up (for want of a better phrase!).

 

After a while, I found out that he had mental health problems (I found anti-depressants in his flat) and when I dug around a bit, I learned that he'd quite recently been in the local psych. hospital after a suicide attempt. i was shocked when I found out that this period as an inpatient happened only days before we first met.

 

He was still secretive, but I gently persevered and learned a lot more about his past.....he confessed that he'd been making regular suicide attempts ever since he was 15 (he's now 47), occasionally wrist cutting but mostly overdoses of various chemicals and/or drugs.

 

I'll point out here that absolutely no-one who knows him would believe any of this to be true. He's a joker, the clown of any group, always smiling and apparently upbeat and a real people-pleaser, always the first to offer help.

 

Anyway, as time went on, I found out more about his illness.......I'll try to summarise......he basically can't cope with any kind of stress in his life. He described it as if his head is like a bucket; each stressful incident, no matter how trivial it would appear to other people, goes into his 'head bucket' and stays there. Eventually, the bucket overflows and the only way he knows how to make himself feel better is by attempting suicide. Normally, a suicide attempt relieves the stress and he carries on as normal, until the next time.

 

So we've been living on this knife-edge the whole of our married life, and for the most part, he's been coping. I think the stability of our lives together him has helped him a lot, and I also think that the fact I know all/some of his secrets and still love and accept him has kept him ticking along.

 

For about the past 18 months, though, things have been getting worse and worse. He thinks the main trigger was a difficult situation at work. He's made repeated suicide attempts, none of which have relieved the problem/improved his frame of mind. I've pretty much forced him to seek help (he's never sought help before, apart from when he was an inpatient), so he's been under the care of the local psych team (so far, he's seen his GP, three different consultant psychiatrists - as well as several others as part of the discharge process after his ODs - a couple of CPNs, a clinical psychologist and we've also had several visits to the crisis team). Most of the professionals just want to chuck drugs at him, and the only one that's really been a help is the clinical psychologist, who really was 'thinking outside the box' and coming up with some pretty radical ideas for treatment, but, sadly, the allotted 12 sessions have now ended.

 

Now, I'll get to my point....and the reason I decided to join an Asperger's forum! I've obviously been giving this loads of thought (it's the only thing on my mind most of the time) and I'm pretty convinced that my husband has Asperger's. I work with learning disabled adults, and many of them are also somewhere on the autistic spectrum or have Asperger's, so I'm pretty familiar with most of the classic traits. My husband has so many of the classic traits that I'm almost sure that he has the condition......

 

He's never really fitted into 'normal' society, he's not got any real friends and never has had (apart from being close to one of his brothers), he has no interest in his family (apart from said brother), he has a very bleak and negative outlook on life, he has absolutely zero empathy for others (for example, he's never cried at a sad/happy film in his whole life, nothing he sees on the news affects him, if people get upset in his company, he just ignores them, etc), until he met me, he'd never allowed a girlfriend to touch him/hold his hand/kiss him in public, he gets fixated on really trivial or strange/random things, he doesn't take care of himself physically, he's obsessed with outer-space and science but he has no real 'hobbies', he can't read a book (can't concentrate for long enough), everything is either black or white, there are no shades of grey in his mind, he is obsessive about some really insignificant (to me!) things and really couldn't care less about other things (which I'd consider to be vastly more important), he has to do everything at break-neck speed with absolutely no thought for the consequences, he has fixed habits and rituals (in fact, his suicide attempts are strictly governed by rituals), he can't have a 'normal' two-way conversation with another person because he's not in the slightest bit interested in other people's experiences, thoughts and feelings (he starts most of his sentences with "I").

 

There are loads of other 'traits', but I can't really think of them at the moment (my mind's a mush with everything that's going on). I know it seems unlikely, but we do have a laugh and a joke about his problems and 'strange' ways of thinking, we try to keep it light-hearted (it would be very easy for me to crumble too). He's a truly lovely, wonderful, kind, sensitive and thoughtful man. I know he loves me very much, as I do him. I actually love him more because he's quirky, and I just want to help him, but I'm at a complete loss. I'm currently encouraging him to talk to the doctor about my Asperger's theory.

 

So, that's a whistle-stop tour of my life with my husband! Browsing this forum has really opened my eyes, I've had so many light-bulb moments since joining, some of the posts could have been written by him, or even by me.

 

Thanks for reading my ramblings, you deserve a medal if you got to the end!

 

Chunkmonkey

Edited August 14, 2012 by chunkymonkey

[robert7111a]

Hi Chunkymonkey

 

What a lovely post and thanks for sharing. I have several AS traits which means I'm not as severely affected as your husband, but I do share some of his traits.

 

I have been married for 14 years. My wife is still learning things about me. She has an enormous ability to tolerate some of my quirks and wierdness but I do try and live life "normally" despite having poor social skills. Before I met my wife, I had little or no outlook on life and tried ending it twice.

 

I was going to say things will get better - until I read further down when you said things are getting worse. But you have managed 4 years and this clearly shows how much you love him. But there are some things that you won't be able to help with/or seem out of your control and this probably stems from this deep rooted problem(s) that your husband has had to deal with all of his years. Patience, love and support is the key. It sounds like you have really made a positive influence in his life. Don't give up now.

[darkshine]

Hello

[Mannify]

Well, I read it . I'm sure people will say much wiser things than me, but your portrayal of your relationship is lovely, and I can't help but wish the very best for you .

[chunkymonkey]

Hi Robert, many thanks for your reply. It is tough sometimes, as I know he's quite selective with the things he divulges. He'll only let me in so far, and then the shutters come down. I'm getting 'in' further and further as time goes on though, but, like your wife, I'm sure I'll be learning about him and the way his mind ticks for ever and a day.

 

You made me laugh when you mentioned "weirdness".....I say that to my husband all the time (I affectionately call him "my resident wierdo") but I wasn't sure if I'd be shot down in flames for using a word like 'wierd' on an AS forum!

 

I know I have very little control over his actions.......in his previous life, he really had no-one who gave a damn about him......no-one expected to know where he was, what he was doing, what time to expect him home, etc. But, now he's married to me, he has to 'answer' to someone else. Don't get me wrong, I'm not a control freak who wants to know his every movement, but when you're in a committed relationship, it's expected that you know roughly what the other person's doing and when, you have shared plans.

 

Part of his pre-suicide-attempt ritual is to plan meticulously and not tell anyone......he still did that until he had his sessions with the clinical psychologist. One of the psychologist's tactics was for my husband to either tell me when he was planning an attempt, or, if he found he really couldn't do that before the attempt, then he was to tell me straight after, so we could seek medical advice and/or treatment. He was doing that voluntarily until his most recent attempt (on Friday of last week), when I had to virtually force the information from him. So, things have taken a bit of a backward slide of late, and it's made me realise even more clearly that I'll never truly know what's going on in his head.

 

Chunkymonkey

Edited August 14, 2012 by chunkymonkey

[chunkymonkey]

Hello

 

Hello!

[chunkymonkey]

Well, I read it . I'm sure people will say much wiser things than me, but your portrayal of your relationship is lovely, and I can't help but wish the very best for you .

 

Do you need a cuppa and a sit down after ploughing through my waffle? LOL!

 

Thank you for the good wishes, they're very much appreciated.

 

Chunkymonkey

[LancsLad]

Welcome to the forum, and thanks for an honest opening post.

 

As the person with Asperger's in my realtionship, its 28 years strong at the moment, it was very interesting seeing it from the other side of the fence. I have always thought it took a special person to be my life partner, at times I feel what can I offer back into the relationship, I am often told "I make life interesting" for some people that makes a relationship with someone with the condition worth it.

[chunkymonkey]

Welcome to the forum, and thanks for an honest opening post.

 

As the person with Asperger's in my realtionship, its 28 years strong at the moment, it was very interesting seeing it from the other side of the fence. I have always thought it took a special person to be my life partner, at times I feel what can I offer back into the relationship, I am often told "I make life interesting" for some people that makes a relationship with someone with the condition worth it.

 

Hi LancsLad, thanks for your reply.

 

Well, I don't consider myself to be particularly 'special'. In fact, if the truth be told, I occasionally find myself frustrated and annoyed by my husband, his unfathomable rituals, his illogical (in my opinion) way of viewing things and his random and erratic actions, and the suicide attempts make me feel disappointed, vulnerable and very hurt.

 

I've occasionally thought of leaving, but I remind myself that he really can't help the way he reacts and behaves.

 

But despite the annoyances, disappointments and frustrations, like you do for the people in your life, he does make life interesting for me. He makes me laugh every day, I always think he brings out the best in me and makes me a better, more accepting and tolerant person.

 

Chunkymonkey

Edited August 15, 2012 by chunkymonkey

[hollypoppy]

Hi

 

Thanks for sharing with us I was married to a man with Aspergers, and we have 2 children together. Unfortunately for us it didn't work out and it led to a divorce. Having said that, it was all very amicable and we still get on ok now. I think life can be a constant learning curve for both people in the relationship! I'm still learning now and we've been divorced a few years! I like how you say weirdness, we used the word "oddisms". not as a derogatory term, but a way of describing behaviour that either of us didn't understand about each other.

 

At times it can seem almost impossible, but keep doing what you're doing, you sound like you've got a really strong relationship x

[chunkymonkey]

Hi

 

Thanks for sharing with us I was married to a man with Aspergers, and we have 2 children together. Unfortunately for us it didn't work out and it led to a divorce. Having said that, it was all very amicable and we still get on ok now. I think life can be a constant learning curve for both people in the relationship! I'm still learning now and we've been divorced a few years! I like how you say weirdness, we used the word "oddisms". not as a derogatory term, but a way of describing behaviour that either of us didn't understand about each other.

 

At times it can seem almost impossible, but keep doing what you're doing, you sound like you've got a really strong relationship x

 

Hi hollypoppy, thanks for your message - it's reassuring to know that there are other people who've been through / are going through a similar situation.......all I get from my friends and family is "I don't know how you put up with it", which isn't really helpful or constructive!

 

I'm sorry to hear your relationship broke down. How did your ex husband cope with that?

 

You really hit the nail on the head when you said "at times it can seem almost impossible"....but then, out of the blue, another one of my husband's quirks/weirdnesses/oddities shows itself and we have a good laugh about it........and it's in those moments that I remember why I fell for him in the first place!

 

x

[Fudge]

Hiya ChunkyMonkey..

 

Welcome. Can i just say your welcome post was lovely and so very very honest. Your hubby is a lucky fella...

 

My son has Aspergers but I also have a friend who has a hubby on the spectrum and all you have said, she has said at some point..

 

cant really add any more than that but Welcome!,!

 

F x

[chunkymonkey]

Hiya ChunkyMonkey..

 

Welcome. Can i just say your welcome post was lovely and so very very honest. Your hubby is a lucky fella...

 

My son has Aspergers but I also have a friend who has a hubby on the spectrum and all you have said, she has said at some point..

 

cant really add any more than that but Welcome!,!

 

F x

 

Hi Fudge, many thanks for the lovely warm welcome! x

[trekster]

Welcome and really pleased you find the forum beneficial.

[rufusrufus]

Hi there. As others have said, you do sound lovely I can really relate to what your husband said about the bucket in his head. It's as though little things that other people just brush off make scars in my head that won't go away, and they all pile up. Welcome to the forum, I've just joined, myself