been asked to keep a daily mood diary

[smileyK]

Nurse from adult community mental health team has asked me to keep a daily mood diary (with notes explaining further on basic description of how mood is!) based on Bi-polar mood shifts as I self-suspect Bi-polar type condition struggling to make sense of bumpy up and down moods! Esp because (time of month!)

[Shnoing]

Sounds professional and ok. I hope it helps you clear up those question you have.

[Willow-Tree]

It's a good idea - also make a note of what the weather was on each day Sometimes you may find certain types of weather impact your mood. To be honest, it might be an idea to keep track of what you eat aswell just incase certain foods are making you feel worse.

[Special_talent123]

Yes it's helpful I had to do that for psychiatrist so she got a clear idea of how my mood fluctuate

[smileyK]

Asks me for hours I slept that night! Scared to take meds incase crisis situation happens again!

[trekster]

Do your meds cause you to feel worse?

[robert7111a]

Love mood diaries - but I only tend to write down the low moods...

[Willow-Tree]

Love mood diaries - but I only tend to write down the low moods...

 

At least that's something though - you can assume the days you missed were good days

[smileyK]

I write an honest description of my moods bumpy up and down ride all time non-stop! Makes more tired drained! It's becoming more evident clear hope now physically show prove it is real and true to my everyday life! Swear no-one believes my ever-changing switching mood shifting patterns!

[Merry]

I think this will be very revealing for the people working to help you.....they might be able to understand a little better, what it's actually like for you. I hope so. It'll be well worth doing if it does help them to help you. Hugs.

[smileyK]

Hoping can find out maybe some reasons true and honest about why these mood changes are so on and off up and down makes my life so generally tiring /draining keep battling on when finding "everything" in general such an effort ,a chore just drags down further makes you feel more miserable within secretly trying to hide without any explanation needed to be given officially to "understand" the reasons behind how and why! Gr! ;(

 

*i looked in gym mirror today - felt well weird /strange didn't feel myself at all! Felt "out of body" also "not me" and felt 'pure ugliness and hatred for my skin/body image' circles around in my head like continious sharks looking for bait all time drag me down that bit more until I sinking,drowning in "bad thoughts"!

 

*forgot to tell you- the nurse asked me TWICE over ANY abuse which happened in childhood -i had two of types she mentioned! But I said 'NO' was scared/worried (confidentiality) if could "come back" on me! I think has 'scarred' me deeply what was done to me which was lot though denied deeply! Which true common factor abuse isn't currently present hasn't been for years! But always in back of mind scared it flare up chase down again! Terrifies me used to physically shake in fear hasn't "helped" my anxiety/ "issues" hate pointing finger of "blame" umm? Should come 'clean' tell her "everything" whole situations also told her didn't drink when came home thought used to drink to calm my anxiety down and stress/depression to 'numb me out' forgot! So do you think worth bringing it up? As report going to be written copy sent to me which hope can be corrected/adjusted!

Edited January 18, 2013 by trekster

[Merry]

SmileyK, I want to try to make a link between this post, and your thread "Feeling `out there`". I know what i'm trying to say but finding it hard to put into words...but i hope you can work out what i mean...

 

I know how much you desperately want someone to be able to see inside your world and your head to know how you feel and see what you've had to go through in this life....to know the pain that you experience.....

 

You are searching for someone who will reach inside you and go through it with you because you are desperate and afraid of being all alone in this fight. That's completely understandable....but you haven't found that person yet. The professionals don't seem to care enough, it's like they're only doing their jobs. Any family and friends who love you DO care deeply, but their patience runs thin all too often as they are busy with their own lives a lot of the time......

 

......and no one seems to understand the extreme pressure in your head and your desperation to escape your own mind and your own past. It feels urgent. It feels so desperate, and no one understands the gravity of it. Even if they see it, they either don't have the strength or commitment to stick it out, or even the knowledge to know how to help you.

 

I don't know if you, like me have spent your life observing other people and the world around you....but this is one way in which my observations have helped me in life and i'm going to try to pass on what i've learned only for the purpose of trying to help you. Here goes...

 

I'm sure you've heard people say that everyone's got their own issues even if they hide it well? That's the truth. It does puzzle me that most `neuro typical` types tend to be able to rush around, holding down jobs and living their lives as though they've got it all sorted and nothing can break them....but it's a mistake to think that these people are strong, like they can carry those of us who need help, in their arms and never fall. I had to learn this. Because I was kind of like a child for most of my life....I craved independence, but i also relied heavily on the people who love me, believing that everybody else was normal and stronger than I was. And whenever I couldn't cope, even after I'd pushed those people to their limits, I found i was still needing more. Nobody could help me to the extent that I needed.

 

What I realized is that most human beings are at their happiest when they have no worries...no stresses, no changes. They try very hard to keep things that way. Their natural instinct is to pursue their own happiness and the happiness of those in their immediate circle. When anyone outside of that circle is in pain, people can be very empathic, very sympathetic, and very helpful to a point....but the moment it begins to interfere too much with their own happiness, they take a step back. Even when the person in pain is within their circle, they often can only go so far in their attempts to help. If they feel they don't know how to help, after a while they just ignore the problem, because it makes them feel powerless when they acknowledge it. They naturally continue to go about their lives trying to keep everything as normal as possible: (No worries, no stresses, no changes).

 

Why is this? Well it's the same reason people judge each other, criticize and put each other down. We are SEPARATE BEINGS. (Or at least we perceive ourselves as separate beings at our current level of awareness). We are cut off from each other somehow. We can only see the outsides of people. And as individuals, we are the only ones who can see our own insides clearly. (I'm talking about the mind, not guts!) I'm not going to get into why that is, but for me I think my aspergers made my brain connect with other people's feelings a lot more when i was little and that might be why i'm so sensitive to my own emotions and other people's...I also feel that the world should naturally be that way and maybe will be one day. For if we could truly experience the cause and effect of our actions by feeling the emotions of others, we would finally achieve peace. But people are generally good and have good intentions...they just can't escape their own minds, their own pasts, their own daily needs...their own dependencies, their own responsibilities and attachments....and their own need for security. And this is one way in which NT types and asperger types are the same. The main difference that I have found is that NT people have an enormous capacity for misery and stress....they are more likely to carry on regardless of what's going on around them, in an effort to avoid negative emotions and negative change. That doesn't mean they have no issues, but they are masters at ignoring them and never questioning the `why's` like we do. They feel the need to protect their little bubbles of `sameness` in any way they can. But they are not endlessly strong, they just seem to have a higher boiling point than we do. People will protect themselves by using that separation as a divide between other people's emotional states and their own.

 

I feel the urge to say these things to you and I hope it's the right thing to say. Basically, what i'm getting at, is that when it comes to our own minds and healing from the pain we experience, the brutal truth is that we are on our own inside our heads. As I said above, even people who care and want to help, are physically and emotionally unable to do enough because of their own minds, their own needs, their own lives.....and even with none of those things in play, they still can't reach inside your mind and be there with you. Professionals can be very caring, but they have to be careful not to care TOO much. They have heavy case loads and can't aford to take their work home with them. That's why you feel a very definite barrier in their presence. They are just protecting their space...their world as i said above.

 

At a certain point in my life, i did realize all of this and i believe it may have been my turning point. It was when i worked out for myself that i was symbolically on my own. I couldn't make anyone else know what I knew, I couldn't make anyone else see the things I had seen. I couldn't make anyone else feel the pain i felt or share my experiences with me. So if I wanted anything to improve, I had to find the tools to help myself. This meant for example, realizing that the professional people i was seeing, although very nice people, had no long term interest in my care and didn't need to hear every detail of my life. When I told them EVERYTHING, I understood that I was telling them for ME, not for them. My healing became more selfish at that point because I was using them purely for what they're there for...if that makes sense. THAT is the relationship you get with these people, not love, not true care....We have to use them because at the end of the day they are simply providing you with a service....they are a tool for you to use. They certainly don't want control or responsibility over any aspect of your life. They have their own lives to worry about. But you can use them to the full capacity of whatever their job description entails. And then there's family/friends who love you. You know that you end up pretending you're okay sometimes when you're not, just because you assume people must be fed up with hearing it, and you're so tired of needing help but finding that the people who love you keep getting upset when you talk about things, which only makes things worse? That's because of the whole `feeling powerless` thing, and needing to protect their own emotional states. You get so upset because deep down, you know that not one of these people actually has the power to protect you and make everything okay....and they can never know what's inside your own head....and they know this too. Again...they separate themselves from it for protection. We are all afraid. What are we afraid of? We're afraid of feeling the way you do right now. We hide from the negative and seek to fool ourselves with whichever form of positive we can surround ourselves with. It's so sad, but it's true. And it can be a very beneficial realization. You can certainly use it to your advantage.

 

For example......it can relieve the pressure all round, if you decide to no longer make other people responsible in any way for helping you emotionally. Then you can turn things around, and USE THEM to fulfill your needs in a specific way i.e tell them if you need help getting the dishes washed or cooking a meal or just asking for a cuddle... It makes them feel useful, because all they really wanted was to be given ways to help you...so tell them. Use the professionals as emotional punching bags...it's what they're there for....tell them everything....you're benefiting yourself not them. Then use your mood diary, use this forum, use things in a way that helps you. You might begin focusing on recovery instead of the point you've been stuck in lately....hopefully. Be selfish. Other people will notice a change in you. It will make them feel better as they see you feeling better. That's my sincere hope for you, as i've seen people either realize this and take charge of their own lives at some point, or just get completely lost in the darkness.....like a tramp i used to know and tried to help.....eventually, everyone who once loved him, he lost because of this very cycle...the false expectation that other people can really help you....and the bitterness one feels when they do not. He had opportunities to change his life, but because he didn't understand the way humans are, he just couldn't take responsibility for his own life...and is still homeless today. It's not people's fault that they cannot make things better for each other....they just don't know how and they can't escape their own separation and needs. That's okay, because we can see this, and we know that we have no choice but to do it for ourselves.

 

I can offer ideas for self help if you're interested? Your mood diary is a great start.

 

Oh by the way, this may be blindingly obvious to other people, and it may be to you too for all i know...it's just something which took me ages to figure out and when I did, it changed everything...but that might just be me....so if this is of no use, i apologize now. Hugs.

Edited January 18, 2013 by Merry

[matzoball]

Merry, while I completely get where you are coming from in regards to self sufficiency(which should be Smileys overall goal), right now Smiley is a bit far from that. She needs to start trusting the mental health team a bit more so they can help her, not moving away from them.

 

Smiley - keep doing your mood diary. Right now everything is relevant - so even if you told the nurse you weren't abused, write that down in the diary. When you told her you didn't drinkl - write that down in the diary too. Write down why you felt you couldn't say it to her face. You have to stop holding back from the people who are actual professionals who can help you properly.

 

Most importantly start taking your new medication. It will not start having an effect on you for a couple of weeks so don't worry if you don't start feeling better right away. They have told you to start taking it so please do it. You are scared in case a crisis starts again - well the last crisis happened because you stopped taking the medication. So kick yourself up the butt. You know what you need to do now, you just have to start doing it. We all are here for you, but I personally will keep kicking you up the butt if I think you are slacking off. Now is the time for guts, and gumption. You have loads missy. xxx

[smileyK]

End result is I know I selfish this just seems follow circle me around constantly I know I need "step up" in helping myself out of this -spinning cycle which sucks you in! I feel so uncomfortable right now in everything that crushes /surrounds me! Past issues has affected me quite lot! It has 'damaged' my self-esteem I was put down lot when younger! Which I feel hasn't helped me "move on" whatever I do I feel "totally trapped down" by it all! My past seems to "haunt" me! Makes me 'angry/bitter' towards my childhood! It deeply bothers me it went "too far" but was kept "under the carpet" under wraps!

 

@ matzoball - I haven't got any new medication I was waiting on phone call on monday from social worker( who involved in my case as was with the nurse when "interviewed" me over current mood states) as she was going to ask the nurse about current medication as explained to S/Wrker the real fear of possible emergency crisis occuring again! Worried about it suddenly catching me unaware again which scares me silly! But rang MHT service today asked for the nurse I saw but got told by receptionist nurse doesn't work on friday she back on monday receptionist going to leave a note saying I rang today and to get in touch ring me on my mobile on monday-( might try arrange face to face appointment again) so can further discuss current situation surrounding medication anxieties/fears behind taking it in the state I'm in! So confused as became resistant on them too! Umming and urring finding strength /courage to inform nurse of the 'childhood abuse' which still affects me to present too scared to open up talk about it! ;(

Edited January 18, 2013 by trekster

[Merry]

Merry, while I completely get where you are coming from in regards to self sufficiency(which should be Smileys overall goal), right now Smiley is a bit far from that. She needs to start trusting the mental health team a bit more so they can help her, not moving away from them.

 

Smiley - keep doing your mood diary. Right now everything is relevant - so even if you told the nurse you weren't abused, write that down in the diary. When you told her you didn't drinkl - write that down in the diary too. Write down why you felt you couldn't say it to her face. You have to stop holding back from the people who are actual professionals who can help you properly.

 

Most importantly start taking your new medication. It will not start having an effect on you for a couple of weeks so don't worry if you don't start feeling better right away. They have told you to start taking it so please do it. You are scared in case a crisis starts again - well the last crisis happened because you stopped taking the medication. So kick yourself up the butt. You know what you need to do now, you just have to start doing it. We all are here for you, but I personally will keep kicking you up the butt if I think you are slacking off. Now is the time for guts, and gumption. You have loads missy. xxx

 

Yeah I think you're right Matzoball...even though I wrote loads, I didn't quite manage to get out exactly what i meant so it may well come across as me saying not to trust the mental health workers which is not what i meant....and in any case, I agree that SmileyK doesn't seem in the right frame of mind for that kind of thinking right now.

 

And SmileyK, Matzoball is also right when she says you need to tell them everything. They can only do their job properly if they have all the right information. They can only help you if you are completely honest with them.

[smileyK]

@ merry - what do you mean kind of self-help thinking??? Xxx

[matzoball]

Smiley - never mind that just now.

 

You need to focus on what the mental health nurse and the social worker are telling you to do.

[smileyK]

@ merry - i coming to realisation of not everyone can emotionally carry my 'load' ,'baggage' to take on their 'shoulders' i know it overwhelming to even ask even rude,cheeky of what i expect out of 'everyone' that how come to the conclusion of not everyone just there to the purpose to 'carry' me as i can't myself i ain't 'stable,balanced' in myself to be able to do it! i expect too much only just starting to see that even my close real friends aren't there to be my personal 'counsellor' 'pyschologist' and they can't manage to process my issues successfully to deal with them

 

i feel SO bad guilty that i acted been this way! that's why feel such burden on everyone's shoulders wish i could varnish disappear become invisible i know they can be there to 'fix' 'solve' my issues just because i can't on my own or can't work it out or haven't got an action plan to work through the long list of issues - my struggles with this i suppose down to 'problem solving' i find difficult as part of my A.S! i know if i don't understand any of it how can i expect others to be able to work round it! i don't know and people wonder why feel in a haze/fog of lost and confusion!

 

@ matzoball - that's the thing - what are they telling me to do? want me to do? you mean keep a daily mood diary then?

 

XKLX

[Merry]

Hi Smiley, Matzoball is absolutely right. Listen to your mental health workers, let them guide you through the process. Yes, use the mood diary. I think that all i meant to say was that unlike family and friends, it's their JOB to listen to you and help you, so you don't have to feel like you're putting too much on their shoulders. I meant that putting everything into the experience, telling them everything, being open and honest will help them to help you......that's what they do -that's what they're good at. But it's your experience. You're not being cheeky by taking full advantage of this opportunity....it can be easier than talking to friends and family, because you know that at the end of the day, these people can go home and have their own lives. So you have no need to feel guilty or selfish for using their help.

[smileyK]

but that's the outstanding issue of mine is all time feel surrounding by swamp of endless guilt,shame ,badness matches up to even professionals i see feel like 'wasting their time' could be seeing someone 'true' 'worthwhile' more needy or need it more than me feel i'm there just whingy moaning making 'excuses' so put downs keep coming strong non-stop! nurse even picked up on my low self-esteem shines through thick and fast by comment i made which was strong going! i felt "burden" drain on society ....!

 

XKLX

[matzoball]

Well since you are aware of this issue Smiley, why don't you try and push past the feeling so that you can get help?

 

The nurse is there to help you. The social worker is there to help you.

 

You wouldn't have been referred if you didn't need it. You have a great opportunity to finally sort all of this out so keep reminding yourself you are worth it. They don't see you as a burden, they see you as someone who genuinely needs help.

 

The more they help you, you will feel better about yourself.

[Suze]

Excellent adviceyou,ve been given Smiley , you need to take on board the help offered ,,,hugs suzex

[smileyK]

I know may sound like an "excuse" as such but for years I've tried push past the pure hatred I feel towards myself inside and out! The nurse 'n' s/worker are short term basis as being referred to independent source seperate to adult MHT but s/worker told have worked with ASC clients with MH issues they have (don't know what type of MH professional going to be) - counsellor or pyschologist! But waiting to hear back from S/Worker as she was looking into it getting in touch/contact with independent source! But if speak to nurse from adult MHT on monday then will ask her if S/worker told her any feedback on situation will ask her about about current medication!