Behaviour and control?

[Mother in Need]

My AS son tells me that when he has a meltdown (he calls it being in a bad mood, but I can tell you that is somewhat of an understatement) he can still think clearly inside his own mind, and that he realizes that his behaviour is wrong while doing that behaviour. For instance, while he is kicking and punching his younger brother, he knows he shouldn't be doing this and he doesn't want to be doing this, but he cannot stop himself from doing it.

He always seems so totally irrational during his bad moods that I was very very surprised to hear this, but at the same time it gives me hope that maybe he can somehow learn to actually stop and control his behaviour.

Has anyone experienced this before and maybe have some tips that might be really useful?

[invent 10 things b4 breakfast]

Hi mother in need (love the name )

 

I'm sorry I don't have any advice to give as I appear to be in the same boat as you. My son, 8, also does the same kind of thing and tells me that his brain makes him do it and he can't help it. I would also love to hear of anyone with tips on this.

 

He also suffers with distinguishing between reality and fiction and is sometimes absolutely convinced something has happened when it clearly hasn't. This is quite disturbing for me as a parent although his consultant says she thinks it's quite normal at his age.

[nellie]

Hi folks,

 

You will find information on 'the rage cycle' posted by pennyindorset on this thread.

 

Violent Tantrums, How do you cope?

http://www.asd-forum.org.uk/forum/index.php?showtopic=27

 

Nellie xx

[Kathryn]

I sympathise with both of you as my daughter loses complete control during a meltdown and afterwards appears unable to remember what happened in the middle of it. She will sometimes ask, "Did I break anything?" and will be very contrite if she has. It is as if she becomes a completely different person for the duration.

 

I suppose the solution lies in helping children to recognise the early warning signs of anger or panic within themselves before it escalates out of control - but I have not yet found a way to do this - I am too busy scanning the room for anything breakable or throwable so that I can move it if necessary!

[KarenT]

I've noticed this in James many times, but as he's only six he can't see it in himself just yet. He knows all the social rules and how he should behave, but when he gets stretched too far emotionally he loses control of his thought processes and cannot think clearly enough to behave in the way he knows he should. I also think the resulting outbursts affect his memory because afterwards he has very little recollection of what has happened. Once I asked him if he still hated me (which he had said at the height of his rage, and I was asking him that to find out if it was safe to approach him 'normally' again) and he looked at me as if I had two heads. How could he possibly hate me?! He'd comletely forgotten that he'd said or even felt that.

 

We've talked this over and I recognise that James needs help to control his anger. We've looked at it and developed some strategies but it's very hard for ANY six year old to have that kind of control. I'm hoping that it will develop in time.

 

Karen

x

[invent 10 things b4 breakfast]

Thanks for that link Nellie, really interesting reading, especially the bit from pennyindorset about the rage cycle.

[Elanor]

The idea of a child knowing what he doing is wrong, but being unable to stop himself, is to me the essence of the autistic meltdown, and the fundamental difference between ordinary kids and autistic ones when it comes to difficult behaviour.

 

Nellie posted a link on the 'Rage Cycle' - there's much more on this in Smith Myles & Southwick?s �Asperger Syndrome and Difficult Moments', which is a book that I found incredibly helpful in finding ways to deal with my son's behaviour.

 

Although it looks like the rages come out of nowhere, I strongly believe that they are predictable. Most of my homelife seems to be spent observing my son's behaviour, reducing his stress, anticipating problems, reinforcing good behaviours, discussing coping strategies with him, and generally treading on eggshells. But it is really working!

 

Elanor

[Mother in Need]

He also suffers with distinguishing between reality and fiction and is sometimes absolutely convinced something has happened when it clearly hasn't.

Yeap, the same with my son and he's nearly 12. He can also not distinguish between tv programmes and what is real, same with computer games etc. Though it does very much depend on his mood at the time.

 

I also think the resulting outbursts affect his memory because afterwards he has very little recollection of what has happened

and afterwards appears unable to remember what happened

The same with my son too, but unfortunately he does not take this very kindly and is always accusing me (in a not nice manner) of lying and trying to make him feel bad, when all I want to do is help him (and protect his brothers in the process, they too have basic human rights...)

 

Is there some way we can 'connect' their 'knowing' with their 'actions'?

It seems as if they have two personalities at those moments, one who knows how they should behave but only looking on from within, and the other totally irrational and full of anger on the outside?

[Kazzen161]

The "AS and difficult moments" book is very good. When you look for signs you are looking not for just what happened immediatley before they lost it, but in the hours (sometimes days) leading up to it.

 

Once you can recognise your own individual child's signs (eg: they become childish and giggly/ they bark like a dog/ they get hot feet), you can say to your child "You need to go and chill out because you are giggly/etc". Gradually the child comes to recognise the signs for himself, and can chose to go and calm down.

 

Once the child has got to meltdown stage, there is no reasoning with them - they are out of it. You can do nothing to stop it at this stage, the child has to go through the meltdown to come out the other side. You need to see the signs and stop it getting to that point.

 

Karen